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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS breaking up with GF after trip

362 replies

Flutterflys · 13/06/2023 14:06

My eldest DS is 19, he’s at uni but still lives at home.
In October he started dating a girl who was the friend of one of his friends flatmates at uni (a party was hosted). She was about to turn 18 but in sixth form 2 hours drive/ hour on the train away. They’ve made it work long distance, either she comes here on the weekend or he goes there, lately he’s been going to hers more as he didn’t have an uni classes on a Friday so they got more time together.
They have a massive trip planned together, Netherlands, France, Spain, Switzerland and Italy, 14 cities, 6 weeks. They leave at the start of July, back mid august.
Their hotels are non refundable mostly as are flights/trains. She has paid more especially towards hotels than DS, her family is just far better off than we are she has savings funding much of the trip.
His GF plans to go to uni in London after summer. This would be 4.5 hour drive or 2.5 hours on the train from where we are. So I asked DS if he plans to keep going down on the weekends when she’s there. This is when he told me he actually plans to breakup with her after the trip. I asked why and he told me he still loves her but the travel would be too much every week and he doesn’t want a relationship where he hardly sees the other person. He said longer term he never wants to move to London and her planned career would almost require her to be in London so it wouldn’t work.
Now I think it’s awful that he’s going to go on a six week, romantic trip with her then break up with her once she has her A-Level results.
He thinks the alternative is worse as most of the trip is non-refundable so one of them would lose out on the trip and money and the other would probably have to go alone. He said he still loves her and enjoys being with her so a last trip to have some memories will be nice. He was upset talking about it but is adamant he will break up with her as he doesn’t see it being viable.

AIBU thinking this is awful? I’m so disappointed in him it feels like he is using her for a trip now?

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 13/06/2023 14:08

Well I think he's being entirely realistic

And he might change his mind if they get closer or more attached on the trip

Either way I think you should say nothing

CrackerAndPudding · 13/06/2023 14:09

If he were fully funding his own half this would be rubbish but I could see his argument that its his choice to go. Since she is funding most of it he seems to be a selfish sod out for a subsidised holiday.

sevenbyseven · 13/06/2023 14:09

I think it would've much worse to break up with her before the trip.

Spending 6 weeks together will really help to cement in his mind whether he wants to be with afterwards or not. He might change his mind, or he might not - he's right long distance relationships are difficult, so he's probably just being realistic.

furrywombat · 13/06/2023 14:11

He sounds sensible and realistic.

aSofaNearYou · 13/06/2023 14:12

I think if he wasn't adamant and was dithering I would agree with him. But if he's actually sure I do think he should do it now - she could take someone else on that trip and it could help her get over it. This way, she'll likely be blindsided.

TheSnowyOwl · 13/06/2023 14:16

I think he is doing what many people in a relationship at this stage do because it’s the pragmatic and realistic approach.

Original poster
Flutterflys · 13/06/2023 14:17

aSofaNearYou · 13/06/2023 14:12

I think if he wasn't adamant and was dithering I would agree with him. But if he's actually sure I do think he should do it now - she could take someone else on that trip and it could help her get over it. This way, she'll likely be blindsided.

Yes I think this way too. I asked if he’d even spoken to her about it and he said no, there’s no point she won’t change his mind, they might as well enjoy what time they have together.

OP posts:
Itsayscourage · 13/06/2023 14:18

He’s using her to partially fund an amazing travelling experience before dumping her out of the blue and leaving her with horrible memories of the whole trip she’s mostly funded. How awful. He should end things now and pull out of the trip so she can take a friend to help her get over it and still have the experience she’s planned and mostly paid for. He can plan and pay for his own trip with his own friend which fits his actual budget rather than being a user.

LIZS · 13/06/2023 14:20

Presumably she is awaiting results so her uni place is not definite.

billy1966 · 13/06/2023 14:21

TheSnowyOwl · 13/06/2023 14:16

I think he is doing what many people in a relationship at this stage do because it’s the pragmatic and realistic approach.

Absolutely this.

He still really likes her so why shouldn't he follow through on the trip.

Lots of young relationships break up because of distance.

Stop making him feel worse.

He is obviously sad about it, but realistic.

Poor lad.

Izzabird · 13/06/2023 14:23

I think you're taking this waaay too seriously. They're teenagers. They've been dating since the autumn, and it was probably an act of minor teenage insanity to plan a long trip for the summer, but I couldn't get that het up about it, to be honest.

I went Interrailing for part of the summer about the same age with my boyfriend of about eight months, and two friends, and broke up with my boyfriend after five days on a train between Munich and Prague, and a couple of days later got together with one of the other friends we were with. He had a brief fling with a Belgian woman we met on a train in Poland. No one was unduly heartbroken. It's normal teenage stuff.

And yes, agree with others that he's being sensible and realistic. Their lives are going in different directions, and tying themselves down in their student years is unnecessarily limiting.

erikbloodaxe · 13/06/2023 14:23

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thaegumathteth · 13/06/2023 14:24

So is she paying part of his holiday? That's crucial I think.

Izzabird · 13/06/2023 14:24

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He hasn't 'turned out' to be anything. He's a teenager. A work in progress.

aSofaNearYou · 13/06/2023 14:25

Itsayscourage · 13/06/2023 14:18

He’s using her to partially fund an amazing travelling experience before dumping her out of the blue and leaving her with horrible memories of the whole trip she’s mostly funded. How awful. He should end things now and pull out of the trip so she can take a friend to help her get over it and still have the experience she’s planned and mostly paid for. He can plan and pay for his own trip with his own friend which fits his actual budget rather than being a user.

Yes I think this is it, too.

And it's all well and good saying "they might as well enjoy their time together" - that would be fair enough if they'd spoken about it and agreed that's what they would do, but different with him withholding that information from her.

I think he's doing it for the trip, too, which is pretty cruel given that
A) the trip would be the perfect opportunity for her to take somebody else and get over the break up
B) it will likely make her feel like their relationship is stronger than ever and feel more blindsided
C) it will totally sour her memories of the trip when she finds out he was planning to dump her the whole time

Puzzledanddissatisfied · 13/06/2023 14:25

So she’s paying more than half the trip and partially subsidising him. Sorry OP, you have an international cocklodger on your hands. (I’m being lighthearted, don’t give me a kicking)

Original poster
Flutterflys · 13/06/2023 14:25

LIZS · 13/06/2023 14:20

Presumably she is awaiting results so her uni place is not definite.

Both her first choice (AAA required) and insurance choice (BBB required) are in London and she is very likely to get the AAA she is extremely intelligent and got mainly 8s/9s at GCSE. The chances of her not getting into either of the unis is very low.

OP posts:
Thebigblueballoon · 13/06/2023 14:26

Tough one. On the one hand, he genuinely likes her. He might even reevaluate his feelings after a long trip away together.

But is he is adamant this relationship is living on a timer, the right thing to do would be to break it off now and let her go with a friend. It would be miserable to get back from a trip and instantly be given the boot.

If she’s very into him, is under the impression the relationship will continue into university days, and she’s shelling out a lot more money than him, it would be very cruel to keep this facade up.

motherstongue · 13/06/2023 14:26

My DD had a boyfriend last year who was heading off to study in the USA whilst she was attending Uni in Scotland. They discussed that they would enjoy their time together over the summer in the full knowledge they would break up when they went their respective ways. It was honest and up front. I think that’s what they need to do, be upfront about the future and decide if they BOTH want to do the holiday knowing it’s just precious time together and nothing more. She might be thinking exactly the same as your DS but he won’t know if he doesn’t discuss it. I appreciate I do have quite a mature DD though 😁

Gracewithoutend · 13/06/2023 14:26

I think he should tell her and give her the choice to go with someone else. I'd feel so used to find out I'd funded someone else's amazing holiday because he had no money. But, then, you seemed quite happy for her to pay the lions share of the holiday out of her savings so maybe he's learned that's OK from you.

Modernmuse · 13/06/2023 14:27

It's his decision , and who knows she maybe thinking the same.
I stay well out of my sons relationship with his girlfriend,unless he specifically asks He doesn't need my interference.

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 13/06/2023 14:27

What an asshat he is!
What, his going on this trip, get laid for six weeks and then dump her like she means nothing!?
Only a sociopath can do that.

Awful.
YANBU.
Poor girl, getting used in so many ways.

TeaKitten · 13/06/2023 14:28

She might be thinking the same as him, she will no the facts of how far away London is as much as he does. 6 weeks away together will probably make or break them anyway. Just leave them to
it.

Gracewithoutend · 13/06/2023 14:28

Izzabird · 13/06/2023 14:24

He hasn't 'turned out' to be anything. He's a teenager. A work in progress.

Show quote history

He's certainly is a piece of work, that's for sure.

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 13/06/2023 14:29

Itsayscourage · 13/06/2023 14:18

He’s using her to partially fund an amazing travelling experience before dumping her out of the blue and leaving her with horrible memories of the whole trip she’s mostly funded. How awful. He should end things now and pull out of the trip so she can take a friend to help her get over it and still have the experience she’s planned and mostly paid for. He can plan and pay for his own trip with his own friend which fits his actual budget rather than being a user.

☝🏼This one here.
You really need to talk to your son and make him a decent human being.
You must feel so shamed.

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