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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS breaking up with GF after trip

362 replies

Flutterflys · 13/06/2023 14:06

My eldest DS is 19, he’s at uni but still lives at home.
In October he started dating a girl who was the friend of one of his friends flatmates at uni (a party was hosted). She was about to turn 18 but in sixth form 2 hours drive/ hour on the train away. They’ve made it work long distance, either she comes here on the weekend or he goes there, lately he’s been going to hers more as he didn’t have an uni classes on a Friday so they got more time together.
They have a massive trip planned together, Netherlands, France, Spain, Switzerland and Italy, 14 cities, 6 weeks. They leave at the start of July, back mid august.
Their hotels are non refundable mostly as are flights/trains. She has paid more especially towards hotels than DS, her family is just far better off than we are she has savings funding much of the trip.
His GF plans to go to uni in London after summer. This would be 4.5 hour drive or 2.5 hours on the train from where we are. So I asked DS if he plans to keep going down on the weekends when she’s there. This is when he told me he actually plans to breakup with her after the trip. I asked why and he told me he still loves her but the travel would be too much every week and he doesn’t want a relationship where he hardly sees the other person. He said longer term he never wants to move to London and her planned career would almost require her to be in London so it wouldn’t work.
Now I think it’s awful that he’s going to go on a six week, romantic trip with her then break up with her once she has her A-Level results.
He thinks the alternative is worse as most of the trip is non-refundable so one of them would lose out on the trip and money and the other would probably have to go alone. He said he still loves her and enjoys being with her so a last trip to have some memories will be nice. He was upset talking about it but is adamant he will break up with her as he doesn’t see it being viable.

AIBU thinking this is awful? I’m so disappointed in him it feels like he is using her for a trip now?

OP posts:
InSpainTheRain · 13/06/2023 14:58

I think he's realistic to be honest! It's his business I wouldn't get involved. Maybe she also feels she wants a trip but he's not long-term for her either.

CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 13/06/2023 14:58

Catspyjamas17 · 13/06/2023 14:50

People are being melodramatic, they are 17/19 not 47/49 and married.

Teaching young men to be respectful to women is not bloody melodramatic.

There is no age that is too young to learn this ffs.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 13/06/2023 15:00

Gracewithoutend · 13/06/2023 14:55

No it's worse. At 47, I'd expect women to have more foresight. At 17 you're still innocent. To have your girlfriend pay for most of the holiday while planning to dump her is horrible behaviour.

Show quote history

I agree. And she will most likely get so much more attached even more attached to him during a 6 week trip!

OP's son should either break up before the trip or tell her that he will break up with her as soon as she moves to London.

That way she could make an informed choice about whether she wants to go on this trip with him (and fund it!).

And she could use the trip to make new memories, get over OP's son and prepare for a fresh start in London.

Chickychoccyegg · 13/06/2023 15:01

I don't think he's doing anything wrong, he's paying what he can, she obviously was happy to pay the rest.
There's a reasonable chance she's thinking the same thing, but if either of them bring it up now, it'll ruin the holiday.
Let them carry on as they are without giving your opinion and see what happens.
People on here are being ridiculously harsh about your ds.

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 13/06/2023 15:01

Flutterflys · 13/06/2023 14:55

We have spoke a little more about it.
He has said he wishes he could talk to her about it and both know going in that after the trip things would come to an end but he’s worried she will just not want to go if he mentions. I asked if it was the thought of losing his money or something else and he said it would be annoying to lose the money but he’d be upset at missing out on a trip with someone he lives and enjoys spending time with.
I’ve recommended he speaks to her about it. Her last exam is on Friday so they can think it over during the next two weeks, if she doesn’t want him to go she can take a friend and try get him his money back or maybe she will be happy to have six weeks with him either as friends or still as a couple but atleast know where she stands

This is one of the defining moment where you can try and raise him to be a decent person or one of the scumbags so many women have had to suffer.
Tell him to do the right thing.
Tell him to be honest with her.

Cap89 · 13/06/2023 15:01

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 13/06/2023 14:56

Let’s take the age out of this.

So all of you saying his being ’realistic & mature’ (wtf?) are you telling me you all would ve okey being taken for a fool, for weeks. And being used for money and sex, being lied to and then immediately being dumped once this parasite sucked everything they wanted from you?

Would you call that person smart and mature?

I do not believe you.

I agree. I don’t think age should be a factor here. They sound like intelligent young people, he knows what he wants and is just trying to take the easy (and more fun!) park. This is really cruel and selfish of him. I’d be appalled if a friend of mine was treated this way and horrified if it was me. He needs to end it now.

Gillbil · 13/06/2023 15:01

I'd agree with him, if it wasn't for the fact she's spending more money than him, so yanbu.

Cap89 · 13/06/2023 15:02

Path*

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 13/06/2023 15:03

InSpainTheRain · 13/06/2023 14:58

I think he's realistic to be honest! It's his business I wouldn't get involved. Maybe she also feels she wants a trip but he's not long-term for her either.

Maybe she should be honest about that.

And if she realised that she feels the same... good for her.

If she realizes that she doesn't, she might decide to go alone or fund the trip of a friend to go with her etc...

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 13/06/2023 15:03

*he should be honest about that.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 13/06/2023 15:06

Flutterflys · 13/06/2023 14:57

She’s 18 now (her birthday was not long after they met).
I asked if he’d always been planning to break up with her. He said no, he hadn’t really thought about how it would work when she went to uni when they planned the trip (March time).

Show quote history

🙂 I’m guessing neither of them had really thought about it then.

She might be now as she’s preparing, IME girls like having the LDR when starting Uni, but it soon becomes not ideal when the practicalities come into play. Like leaving to see the boyfriend the same weekend as the cool party, or having the BF visit and trying to integrate them into their Uni life and friends.

It’s different when one goes away as the other is still in the life they knew.

Your son has more experience than her in this regard and I suspect that’s why he is thinking about it now.

With your last discussion he doesn’t sound like a user or a parasite. Just a normal kid who both cares about her and can’t see farther than his nose how his actions may affect someone.

Daisydu · 13/06/2023 15:08

Doesn’t sound like he’s doing it to get a trip out of it, it sounds like he genuinely loves her and loves spending time with her so wants to go on the trip with her, however he realises he can’t see it going anywhere because they are going in different directions. I actually think he sounds quite mature about it

Pigeon31 · 13/06/2023 15:08

For all you know, she's had the same thoughts and is planning to break up after the trip too ;)

silverbubbles · 13/06/2023 15:09

Stay well out of this. How do you know that this trip might not end up being the making of them and they stay together forever....

Also how do you know that his thoughts are not based on things she has said to him? maybe she has indicated they probably won't last long term etc etc.
Maybe he is protecting himself??

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 13/06/2023 15:09

I really don't understand all the people saying he's being mature and realistic.

Would you be happy to book and pay for you and your partner to go on the trip of a lifetime, only to be dumped on your return? Really? Because I very much doubt it.

And if you came on here and posted about how upset you were because your DP had planned to dump you all along, I don't think anyone would say "YABU, your ex did the right thing by stringing you along for six weeks".

Honestly, this place is ridiculous sometimes.

bjrce · 13/06/2023 15:10

Beautiful3 · 13/06/2023 14:41

He's just being honest and realistic. Let them have this nice trip away, before he breaks up with her. I think the long distance thing is a deal breaker, I couldn't do it. I hate London too, so wouldn't even consider moving there for a partner. There's nothing wrong with what he intends to do, as long as he does it a month after the trip, and explains that it's only because of the long distance.

But that's entirely the point - he is absolutely not being honest.

If he was being honest, he would have a conversation with the GF about his plans after the Summer and she can make a fully informed decision.

There is every likelihood she may be thinking the same way, but he isn't doing that.

I don't agree with posters stating, he is very mature and realistic.

In actual fact he is being dishonest! If he was in any way decent he would tell her the truth.

As it stands he's not thinking about the fallout after the holday and how she'll feel once she finds out he used her to go on the holiday, planning all the time to break up afterwards.

But he won't need to deal with the fall out - he'll be at the other end of the country in his university- not his problem.

Leaving her with entirely different memorise - not like the ones he plans to have.

I have to say OP - your son is a little selfish bastard! I'd be ashamed of him treating some one like that! Its even worse the fact she's been to your home and formed a relationship with you and your family.

VivaLesTartes · 13/06/2023 15:11

Just from a different point of view: My ex did almost the exact same with me on a trip before I went to uni. Not such a long trip or so expensive but the trip was awful as he had already made the decision to end it after, but hadn't told me. However it was very clear something was wrong but we weren't talking about it and it really cut me up.
It felt horrible. Obviously I can't say if it would have felt worse to find out earlier and miss out on the trip all together but being sort of "strung along" really hurt.
In the end it was the right decision to split as I had a fab time being single at uni and not long after fell for my now DH. I just wish the split had been handled differently.

Panama2 · 13/06/2023 15:12

Maybe she is planning on dumping him?

EmpressSoleil · 13/06/2023 15:12

Many years ago I was dating someone long distance and we spent weekends together. One weekend he came up on the Friday as usual, we had a lovely time, then Sunday just before he left he broke up with me!

I asked him why he didn't do it on the Friday and he said "I wanted us to have one last good weekend together". I was furious!!! I was more upset about the way he did it than the actual break up. How dare he, is what I kept thinking.

So yes, they might have a nice last few weeks, but he's running the risk of her hating him afterwards. I felt bad enough based on just one weekend and no money spent! Imagine how much worse she'd feel!

Whattodowithit88 · 13/06/2023 15:12

So her trip of a lifetime is actually going to be a complete lie!!!
God my heart is breaking for her already

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 13/06/2023 15:12

Daisydu · 13/06/2023 15:08

Doesn’t sound like he’s doing it to get a trip out of it, it sounds like he genuinely loves her and loves spending time with her so wants to go on the trip with her, however he realises he can’t see it going anywhere because they are going in different directions. I actually think he sounds quite mature about it

😆
No one is this nàive! No way.
Really loves her?
Please, he wants (almost) free vacation and six weeks worth of pussy.
He’s not mature, he’s a user and a common player. Dime in a dozen of a man.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 13/06/2023 15:12

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 13/06/2023 15:09

I really don't understand all the people saying he's being mature and realistic.

Would you be happy to book and pay for you and your partner to go on the trip of a lifetime, only to be dumped on your return? Really? Because I very much doubt it.

And if you came on here and posted about how upset you were because your DP had planned to dump you all along, I don't think anyone would say "YABU, your ex did the right thing by stringing you along for six weeks".

Honestly, this place is ridiculous sometimes.

I thought they are both paying for the trip… She is paying more because she wanted better hotels.

CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 13/06/2023 15:14

Everyone saying 'oh I bet she's thinking the same thing', well we have no clue whether she is or not, but he has blatantly stated that he is.

He should tell her so the ball is in her court.

It's sneaky and underhand to not mention it.

I'd be mortified if I was the OP that a male I had brought up thought that it was totally fine to treat a woman like this.

Gracewithoutend · 13/06/2023 15:14

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 13/06/2023 14:57

Oh dear, young love!

It's sad, but he's probably not in a position to commit long term at the moment/at his age, so he's just being realistic, and honest with you....I'd say nothing!

Honest with his mother but not honest with his girlfriend. So it's OK to take a holiday she's paid most for when he's planning on dumping her as long as he tells his mummy?

And, to be fair to the op, even she's dismayed by his actions.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 13/06/2023 15:14

She might well turn the tables and break up with him after the trip. That would be a good outcome. If I were her, I would definitely have this in view because, let's face it, her earning potential combined with family money-in-hand outstrips his.

He's not doing anything particularly wrong but it's not particularly right either. He should - at the least - find a way to make up his side of the money and give that to her; all fair and square then.

I would argue though that when you have plans of breaking up, you don't love the other person. Your son is being entirely self-serving, OP but, he's young and he'll no doubt find out what it's like when the boot is on the other foot.