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AIBU?

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Original poster

DS breaking up with GF after trip

362 replies

Flutterflys · 13/06/2023 14:06

My eldest DS is 19, he’s at uni but still lives at home.
In October he started dating a girl who was the friend of one of his friends flatmates at uni (a party was hosted). She was about to turn 18 but in sixth form 2 hours drive/ hour on the train away. They’ve made it work long distance, either she comes here on the weekend or he goes there, lately he’s been going to hers more as he didn’t have an uni classes on a Friday so they got more time together.
They have a massive trip planned together, Netherlands, France, Spain, Switzerland and Italy, 14 cities, 6 weeks. They leave at the start of July, back mid august.
Their hotels are non refundable mostly as are flights/trains. She has paid more especially towards hotels than DS, her family is just far better off than we are she has savings funding much of the trip.
His GF plans to go to uni in London after summer. This would be 4.5 hour drive or 2.5 hours on the train from where we are. So I asked DS if he plans to keep going down on the weekends when she’s there. This is when he told me he actually plans to breakup with her after the trip. I asked why and he told me he still loves her but the travel would be too much every week and he doesn’t want a relationship where he hardly sees the other person. He said longer term he never wants to move to London and her planned career would almost require her to be in London so it wouldn’t work.
Now I think it’s awful that he’s going to go on a six week, romantic trip with her then break up with her once she has her A-Level results.
He thinks the alternative is worse as most of the trip is non-refundable so one of them would lose out on the trip and money and the other would probably have to go alone. He said he still loves her and enjoys being with her so a last trip to have some memories will be nice. He was upset talking about it but is adamant he will break up with her as he doesn’t see it being viable.

AIBU thinking this is awful? I’m so disappointed in him it feels like he is using her for a trip now?

OP posts:
Original poster
Flutterflys · 13/06/2023 14:29

Gracewithoutend · 13/06/2023 14:26

I think he should tell her and give her the choice to go with someone else. I'd feel so used to find out I'd funded someone else's amazing holiday because he had no money. But, then, you seemed quite happy for her to pay the lions share of the holiday out of her savings so maybe he's learned that's OK from you.

Gosh I wasn’t even consulted on the trip until hotels were booked and train tickets bought. I told him at the time I didn’t love that she was paying more but he said she insisted and told him “I’d rather pay more and both have a nicer time, don’t think about the money it’s not important”. The money for the trip isn’t on me!!

OP posts:
IsThereAnEchoInHere · 13/06/2023 14:29

*ashamed

aSofaNearYou · 13/06/2023 14:30

Oh and one more reason it's cruel - it's probable that "the future" will come up in conversation during this trip and they will end up breaking up during it, leaving her alone abroad. Recipe for disaster.

GettingStuffed · 13/06/2023 14:31

My ex boyfriend took me on holiday a d broke up with me when we got back. I think it was awful as he'd planned it all as a goodbye when I was blissfully unaware, I was 20 and we'd been together since I was 18

aSofaNearYou · 13/06/2023 14:31

TeaKitten · 13/06/2023 14:28

She might be thinking the same as him, she will no the facts of how far away London is as much as he does. 6 weeks away together will probably make or break them anyway. Just leave them to
it.

If that's the case then a conversation about it before hand would confirm this and make it reasonable.

TeaKitten · 13/06/2023 14:33

aSofaNearYou · 13/06/2023 14:31

If that's the case then a conversation about it before hand would confirm this and make it reasonable.

Show quote history

I agree, it’s not up to OP though unfortunately.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 13/06/2023 14:33

Yikes, please God don't let my daughter ever date someone like your son, nor my son turn out like yours!! I do feel really bad for the girl OP - do you? Sensible and realistic?! How - he's using this girl to fund his holiday, knowing he's going to dump her after!

OP - I think is so mean for your son to use this girls money like this, knowing full well he is going to dump her. He wants to make lovely memories?! Her memory is going to be a 6 week holiday that he used her for then dumped her. Maybe if he told her now, she can go with someone else, and actually have good memories from what sounds like an amazing trip?! Your son is being really really cruel here. Sorry OP.

Thebigblueballoon · 13/06/2023 14:33

aSofaNearYou · 13/06/2023 14:30

Oh and one more reason it's cruel - it's probable that "the future" will come up in conversation during this trip and they will end up breaking up during it, leaving her alone abroad. Recipe for disaster.

This is a good point. During such an intense holiday, surely the subject of the future is going to come up?Talk about their next holiday, how they juggle the distance etc... How is your son going to handle that? Outright lie? Or be honest and lead to a break-up mid-trip?

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 13/06/2023 14:35

I don't think he's being very kind.

He's using her to get a subsidised trip to Europe knowing he's going to dump her afterwards. That's nasty behaviour.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/06/2023 14:36

I think it's always good to consider (when lying to people) if their behaviour would change if they knew. So lying about a birthday present? Fine because the person would be fine. Lying to someone and using them to fund a trip, sleeping with them, being romantic with them knowing you are dumping them? Really really bad.

On some level he knows she probably wouldn't be sleeping with him and paying for the privilege of nice hotels to do it in if she knew. That's properly rank.

ZiriForEver · 13/06/2023 14:38

It is obvious to both of them that something will change in their relationship. And it is her university causing it, so it isn't some horrible surprise he would be guarding from her.

Maybe she feels in a similar way, maybe she hopes it will give them boost to overcome the distance for some time (which theoretically can happen).

Yes, they could have a conversation about enjoying the summer and seeing how it turns out after, but if they both have chosen not to discuss this elephant in the room, it is fine.

Mirabai · 13/06/2023 14:38

Itsayscourage · 13/06/2023 14:18

He’s using her to partially fund an amazing travelling experience before dumping her out of the blue and leaving her with horrible memories of the whole trip she’s mostly funded. How awful. He should end things now and pull out of the trip so she can take a friend to help her get over it and still have the experience she’s planned and mostly paid for. He can plan and pay for his own trip with his own friend which fits his actual budget rather than being a user.

Yes. Pull out so she can take someone else.

aSofaNearYou · 13/06/2023 14:38

This is a good point. During such an intense holiday, surely the subject of the future is going to come up?Talk about their next holiday, how they juggle the distance etc... How is your son going to handle that? Outright lie? Or be honest and lead to a break-up mid-trip?

I would think this was near inevitable, he's being naive.

caringcarer · 13/06/2023 14:39

He's probably correct about very long distance relationships not working out. He needs to pay for his half of the trip though not let her subsidise him. I would be very disappointed if either of my son's treated their gf's like this and I'd be telling them so. He should have thought about this before planning the trip.

SimonsCow · 13/06/2023 14:40

are you sure she doesn’t know? I had a teen summer romance where we discussed that we liked each other but we’re going separate ways back to uni so it would end then. No horrible dumping and I still remember that summer fondly

caringcarer · 13/06/2023 14:41

Let's hope she doesn't get pregnant on the trip then.

Beautiful3 · 13/06/2023 14:41

He's just being honest and realistic. Let them have this nice trip away, before he breaks up with her. I think the long distance thing is a deal breaker, I couldn't do it. I hate London too, so wouldn't even consider moving there for a partner. There's nothing wrong with what he intends to do, as long as he does it a month after the trip, and explains that it's only because of the long distance.

CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 13/06/2023 14:43

I think he is doing what many people in a relationship at this stage do because it’s the pragmatic and realistic approach

I don't think 'many people' would allow someone to pay the bulk of a 6 week holiday and them merrily dump them afterwards.

He will probably be having lots of sex with her too, knowing that he's going to end it, with her totally oblivious.

It seems very cruel, greedy and selfish.

notokaywiththetropes · 13/06/2023 14:43

Flutterflys · 13/06/2023 14:17

Yes I think this way too. I asked if he’d even spoken to her about it and he said no, there’s no point she won’t change his mind, they might as well enjoy what time they have together.

Show quote history

Well, she either gets dumped, no trip, loses out on loads of money, has a miserable summer...

OR

She has a great trip, great summer, then gets dumped after it.

Either way she's dumped, I think I'd prefer the first option. The second is much worse. I get where you're coming from, but on a practical level, one way is clearly better for her. And she won't know anyway

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/06/2023 14:44

CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 13/06/2023 14:43

I think he is doing what many people in a relationship at this stage do because it’s the pragmatic and realistic approach

I don't think 'many people' would allow someone to pay the bulk of a 6 week holiday and them merrily dump them afterwards.

He will probably be having lots of sex with her too, knowing that he's going to end it, with her totally oblivious.

It seems very cruel, greedy and selfish.

This. The shagging aspect is grim.

Catspyjamas17 · 13/06/2023 14:44

Sounds pretty sensible and realistic to me. Who on earth thinks they will be together forever with someone they meet at that age? I had a boyfriend then but was looking forward to meeting good looking lads at university, I certainly didn't want to be tied to one person. And most going off to different universities do split up. They are so young and should both just enjoy the trip and not worry about what the future holds.

BlondeFool · 13/06/2023 14:44

Itsayscourage · 13/06/2023 14:18

He’s using her to partially fund an amazing travelling experience before dumping her out of the blue and leaving her with horrible memories of the whole trip she’s mostly funded. How awful. He should end things now and pull out of the trip so she can take a friend to help her get over it and still have the experience she’s planned and mostly paid for. He can plan and pay for his own trip with his own friend which fits his actual budget rather than being a user.

This.

She should go with a friend.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 13/06/2023 14:44

Honestly at that age on that kind of trip there is a high probability for a breakup to happen organically. (He should be prepared to travel solo cost wise) And it’s just as likely she’s thinking similar to your son as she gets ready to go to Uni.

As for her paying more it sounds like that was her choice so I can’t really see nefarious intentions on his part or him using her.

They should go, have fun, and see what happens.

Gracewithoutend · 13/06/2023 14:44

Flutterflys · 13/06/2023 14:29

Gosh I wasn’t even consulted on the trip until hotels were booked and train tickets bought. I told him at the time I didn’t love that she was paying more but he said she insisted and told him “I’d rather pay more and both have a nicer time, don’t think about the money it’s not important”. The money for the trip isn’t on me!!

Show quote history

But you're not critical of it, you've justified it.

She has paid more especially towards hotels than DS, her family is just far better off than we are she has savings funding much of the trip.

This girl is only 17 and you're ok with her making the holiday nicer by spending her savings on your son. Just because she comes from a family with more money, doesn't mean that she hasn't worked for that money.

But I apologise if you genuinely gave him a hard time for that. Maybe I read it differently to how you wrote it. Tone is difficult to judge in written messages.

Doormatnomore · 13/06/2023 14:45

Has everyone forgotten the boyfriend the spent the night then broke up with you in the morning leaving you in no uncertain terms that they used you for sex? Imagine 6 weeks of that.

I had a friend in this exact scenario, they broke up then went on the trip, a pretty weird time and they postcards were hilarious (old school), but it is possible.