DS breaking up with GF after trip

[Flutterflys]

My eldest DS is 19, he’s at uni but still lives at home.
In October he started dating a girl who was the friend of one of his friends flatmates at uni (a party was hosted). She was about to turn 18 but in sixth form 2 hours drive/ hour on the train away. They’ve made it work long distance, either she comes here on the weekend or he goes there, lately he’s been going to hers more as he didn’t have an uni classes on a Friday so they got more time together.
They have a massive trip planned together, Netherlands, France, Spain, Switzerland and Italy, 14 cities, 6 weeks. They leave at the start of July, back mid august.
Their hotels are non refundable mostly as are flights/trains. She has paid more especially towards hotels than DS, her family is just far better off than we are she has savings funding much of the trip.
His GF plans to go to uni in London after summer. This would be 4.5 hour drive or 2.5 hours on the train from where we are. So I asked DS if he plans to keep going down on the weekends when she’s there. This is when he told me he actually plans to breakup with her after the trip. I asked why and he told me he still loves her but the travel would be too much every week and he doesn’t want a relationship where he hardly sees the other person. He said longer term he never wants to move to London and her planned career would almost require her to be in London so it wouldn’t work.
Now I think it’s awful that he’s going to go on a six week, romantic trip with her then break up with her once she has her A-Level results.
He thinks the alternative is worse as most of the trip is non-refundable so one of them would lose out on the trip and money and the other would probably have to go alone. He said he still loves her and enjoys being with her so a last trip to have some memories will be nice. He was upset talking about it but is adamant he will break up with her as he doesn’t see it being viable.

AIBU thinking this is awful? I’m so disappointed in him it feels like he is using her for a trip now?

Oh come on! You're leaving out very significant context.

They are two young teens in their first serious relationship, presumably. They both know there will be a change come autumn - either they split up or they stay together, long-distance.

OP's DS seems nothing like some of the descriptions here - he's not callous or a user. He loves his GF & wants to spend time with her.

Where I think he's going wrong is not having the conversation about their future before they go. I think the idea that he will definitively break up with her, having had no meaningful discussion, isn't fair.

He definitely should talk to her. Not necessarily to break up, but to check where they are both at.

It may of course lead to a break-up, but he can deal with that if that happens.

And also - most adults find sensitive conversations hard to have so give this poor guy a break! It's not easy to put yourself in that vulnerable place.

He still loves her. He might well change his mind. My BF and I were adamant that we should split up before uni, but when it came to it, we didn’t and happily stayed together long distance. If we had split up, I still would have cherished the memories we made in the summer before uni. A special time that will be much better spent with a loving bf/gf than with a broken heart.

He sounds cold and hard hearted. And a user.
And that poor girl - for this shit treatment to be her memory of her first relationship.

I don't think that's true at all - loads of teenagers DO think they'll stay together long term. Obviously they usually don't but many think it.

And there's a massive difference between going away with somebody when you don't know if it will work out long term, than when you know for a fact you are planning on ending it.

@IsThereAnEchoInHere

Your posts are deeply unpleasant. You are writing about OP's son, a 19 yo young man. You can have opinions without being offensive

You clearly don’t know what love is but it’s certainly not what the OPs son is in right now.

It doesn't sound like she is funding it all. IF she is, then letting her take someone else makes sense but if he has money tied up in this then wasting his money isn't a good idea. He isn't using her for a trip. They planned the trip and paid all these non refundable fees when he thought they would still be together for the summer.

And the idea that if a guy or girl puts any money towards or spends any money on a partner makes them a cocklodger....then almost every girl I know is one as I know few who haven't let a guy pay for things for them.

This is very, very common in this age that they break up when one or the other moves away for school. She likely isn't thinking marriage right now.

THey like each other, they go on a fun trip, when they come back the distance becomes too much, interest wanes and they break up.

If every guy / girl who has broken up with someone due to them moving for school is a horrible human who was badly raised...then there are a high number of teens who are horrible. It happens pretty often.

I think you are over thinking this OP. They are teens going through normal stages of life and breakups are common at this age and stage.

I'm going to go against the grain with most people on this one I think. I think most people are thinking about this with their adult head on, but this couple are 17 / 18. It's not about building a relationship for the future, it's about having fun right now. And she's not going to be any more attached to him after a six week trip that she already is. If they're like any other 18 year olds, then they're already as much in love as it's possible to be, because that's how love works when you're a teenager.

Your son has two choices. Break up after the trip and ruin her first couple of months of uni, or break up now, lose a bunch of money and ruin the trip for her. It may be the case that she could go on the trip and not be miserable, but if that happens then she won't be miserable after the trip either.

And I think the her paying more thing is probably a red herring. I'd imagine that convo went:
Shall we stay in this hostel?
I'd rather get a hotel room.
Ok, but I can't afford that
No worries, I'll pay for it.

Stay out of it, there's a fair chance the trip will make one or both of them decide to finish it anyway. He sounds realistic.

They are teenagers so the idea they would have a long term future together is ridiculous. I wouldn’t be encouraging a child of that age to entertain the idea right before university. You should certainly not put pressure on him to stay with her.

But I agree that he should not be piggybacking on her generosity when she’s in blissful ignorance and presumably thinks she’s in love.

You clearly don’t know what love is but it’s certainly not what the OPs son is in right now.

Er, what? I don't know what love is? Well, thanks for your ridiculous opinion. How do you figure that?

I think it's absolutely possible for him to be in love with her now, but know practically, they don't have a future after September. The mistake he is making is not being open & discussing it. But he's young & it's understandable.

My gosh everyone! This girl might have her own agenda and want to spend one last summer travelling with her boyfriend before uni. She is not being used! She might want to break up with him too.

I went traveling with my teenage boyfriend before leaving him as i moved away for uni. Its nice to go away with a boy! It makes you feel safe. She might want that rather than going with a female friend.

Leave the kids to it and stay out of their relationship.

🤷🏽‍♀️ Tough.
I haven’t said anything that isin’t true.

He needs to pay his half.
If they break up - well that happens.

He still needs to pay his half, or at least have cash to pay for ALL of their meals etc to balance things.

He's being a bit of a shit to her doing things this way.

I'd tell him to tell her or I will.

I haven’t said anything that isin’t true.

You don't know what's 'true' not being able to see inside OP's DS's head or his GF's.

You can give opinions as we are all doing, without using repugnant, disrespectful phrases like getting 'pussy' 🤮

The last thing OP should ever do is get involved and tell her anything. Good grief that is nothing but meddling.

And do you tell your daughters they need to pay a man back for anything he spent on them during a relationship before they break up? Any trips or dinners or drinks etc. That they need to leave a relationship ensuring they didn't use him for any money and that everything was 50% paid for by them?

He loves his GF & wants to spend time with her

Yes - travelling around Europe on a lot of her dime.

He would have probably dumped her by now if they had booked a week in a caravan in Rhyl.

What's wrong with her paying more? I was way more well off than my uni boyfriend (now husband) and if I hadn't paid for the lion's share of our holidays we wouldn't have had such great summers

He needs to tell her now. My best friend was dumped by her boyfriend at the end of the holidays for the same reason and she was absolutely mindfucked when she realised he’d been planning it for weeks/months “but wanted to have a nice summer first”.

so selfish because really it means he - and your son - want to have a nice summer with a loving girlfriend and fun and sex and so on, and then be free as a bird when back at uni. I’m sure your son doesn’t realise what a toaster he’s being.

do tell him !

Tosser - unlike him she’ll be taking the toaster to uni with her

@EarringsandLipstick

That’s amazing!
I love that my use of a word is the thing you have a problem with!
🤣
Incredible!

@Flutterflys How would you feel if it was your DD dating a <cough> freeloader? Because that's essentially what he is.

I think MN refer to older versions as "Cocklodgers".

Something to mull over...

Because he could have stopped her. He knew he was finishing with her but he let her spend the money anyway. How do you even know she'd have gone on the holiday if he'd told her she was going to be dumped when she got back? In effect he got her to go on holiday because he wasn't honest. He's already said he doesn't want to tell her the truth because she might cancel the trip.

He'll have amazing memories from the trip because he got what he wanted. Maybe she'll feel pretty used and the holiday will feel pretty bitter. The only way to know is he fronts up and confesses his plans. And gives her the opportunity to take a friend instead.

😂😂😂 I was wondering if toaster was a polite way of saying tosser when you posted that.

I think I like toaster more. What a toaster. 😂

You’re right, I think part of me wants him to stay with her as his sixth form girlfriend was a nightmare, controlling, toxic, mean.
His current gf is lovely, intelligent, respectful. I’m terrified of what the next one may be like!!