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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS breaking up with GF after trip

362 replies

Flutterflys · 13/06/2023 14:06

My eldest DS is 19, he’s at uni but still lives at home.
In October he started dating a girl who was the friend of one of his friends flatmates at uni (a party was hosted). She was about to turn 18 but in sixth form 2 hours drive/ hour on the train away. They’ve made it work long distance, either she comes here on the weekend or he goes there, lately he’s been going to hers more as he didn’t have an uni classes on a Friday so they got more time together.
They have a massive trip planned together, Netherlands, France, Spain, Switzerland and Italy, 14 cities, 6 weeks. They leave at the start of July, back mid august.
Their hotels are non refundable mostly as are flights/trains. She has paid more especially towards hotels than DS, her family is just far better off than we are she has savings funding much of the trip.
His GF plans to go to uni in London after summer. This would be 4.5 hour drive or 2.5 hours on the train from where we are. So I asked DS if he plans to keep going down on the weekends when she’s there. This is when he told me he actually plans to breakup with her after the trip. I asked why and he told me he still loves her but the travel would be too much every week and he doesn’t want a relationship where he hardly sees the other person. He said longer term he never wants to move to London and her planned career would almost require her to be in London so it wouldn’t work.
Now I think it’s awful that he’s going to go on a six week, romantic trip with her then break up with her once she has her A-Level results.
He thinks the alternative is worse as most of the trip is non-refundable so one of them would lose out on the trip and money and the other would probably have to go alone. He said he still loves her and enjoys being with her so a last trip to have some memories will be nice. He was upset talking about it but is adamant he will break up with her as he doesn’t see it being viable.

AIBU thinking this is awful? I’m so disappointed in him it feels like he is using her for a trip now?

OP posts:
MumoftwoGirls11 · 14/06/2023 18:25

aSofaNearYou · 13/06/2023 14:25

Yes I think this is it, too.

And it's all well and good saying "they might as well enjoy their time together" - that would be fair enough if they'd spoken about it and agreed that's what they would do, but different with him withholding that information from her.

I think he's doing it for the trip, too, which is pretty cruel given that
A) the trip would be the perfect opportunity for her to take somebody else and get over the break up
B) it will likely make her feel like their relationship is stronger than ever and feel more blindsided
C) it will totally sour her memories of the trip when she finds out he was planning to dump her the whole time

Show quote history

Second this. It looks like he's using her to have some nice memories when he's already emotionally distanced himself from her. It's deceitful. If he's honest he should tell her that he plans to break up with her and that he's looking forward to making some memories with her before that and if she's up for it, then yes. Otherwise she will feel that he has used her.

Put yourself in her shoes. How would you feel if someone went on a holiday that you paid more into, knowing that they were going to break up with you? Would you not feel cheated? She might not even want to spend the time with him if he isn't planning a future with her.

ActDottie · 14/06/2023 18:37

They’re teenagers excited to go away, your son is also being very realistic about it. They’ll enjoy their time away.

you’re taking it very seriously

UpaladderwatchingTV · 14/06/2023 18:47

Sorry, haven't read the full thread, but I'd like to know how much time they've actually spent 24/7 together before, as from past experience, just spending 1 full week together, all day and all night, can really make or break a relationship, let alone 6 weeks. They could have a major falling out after just 5 days, and the rest may be a disaster anyway, but as so many others have said, they're teenagers, and at the stage in life where they are learning about serious relationships. If they get through the 6 weeks and are still friends, she'll be VERY lucky anyway, and if not, well, she'll have learned that you don't fund other people's holidays, which at that age I think is pretty silly anyway.

H007 · 14/06/2023 18:55

YANBU He needs to have that conversation with her, they can then decide how they wish to go forward. If they want to have one last summer blow out great, if not she can take one of her besties.

Summerfun54321 · 14/06/2023 18:55

You are putting adult emotions onto a teenage scenario. I went travelling with a boyfriend that age and we broke up mid trip and carried on traveling together. Totally bonkers if adults did this but we still had a great time. Don't encourage your DS to dump his GF and create drama during exams.

Buffs · 14/06/2023 18:57

Normal teenage stuff. Moreover you don’t know what his girlfriend is thinking, she wants to go to London which you say is a long way from your son. Your son may make a wonderful, safe traveling companion she can trust.
Stay out of it and leave them to it.

anon666 · 14/06/2023 19:00

A lot of people when faced with a long distance relationship back off.

If he had said he wasn't in love with her any more that would be grabby.

But he does love her, he just doesn't envisage it working out with the distance and at their ages.

He's right. It's very unlikely that one of them won't cheat on the other when they go separate ways. University is like one big dating pool. Loads of single young people all mingling with each other. Add alcohol and being away from home into the mix and it's no surprise it's hard to be faithful.

He's being pragmatic. It doesn't mean he won't miss her etc. Maybe he's just trying to rip the band aid off in one?

In practice he might find it harder than he is making it out to be. Time will tell.

It's not your place to get involved 🫣

ZenNudist · 14/06/2023 19:13

If she's highly intelligent I'm sure she's thought about it and drawn her own conclusions from his lack of plans to move to London.

I think he's in the clear here.

Pinkfluff76 · 14/06/2023 19:17

Hope she’s not reading this…

Caelan2018 · 14/06/2023 19:20

Tell him to break up with her now and she can bring a friend on the 6 wks trip

AscensionToCheese · 14/06/2023 19:23

Caelan2018 · 14/06/2023 19:20

Tell him to break up with her now and she can bring a friend on the 6 wks trip

Or he can.
Just saying.

BaconChops · 14/06/2023 19:28

furrywombat · 13/06/2023 14:11

He sounds sensible and realistic.

I agree

LillyoftheMountain · 14/06/2023 19:31

Tell him to enjoy the trip. I doubt anyone is expecting teenagers to stay together when one moves further away for uni.

Twiglets1 · 14/06/2023 19:32

I think he is being realistic.

It's a bit cold, don't think I could do it but I can see there are reasons it could be even worse for her if he dumped her now. Maybe he will change his mind, who knows? But it is up to him how he handles his relationships, if you come across too judgemental he will stop confiding in you in future.

Thelnebriati · 14/06/2023 19:36

If my DS told me this, I'd remind him that sexual consent is not valid if one person conceals information that might make the other person change their mind.

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 14/06/2023 19:41

Don;t get involved, and don't put pressure on him (or her) to do anything differently. He sounds quite sensible. She's got access to more money than him and has chosen to spend it on certain things that would have been out of his sole budget - it doesn't sound like she's being exploited and subsidising the entire holiday.

It'd be unrealistic to expect them to stay together forever - it's extremely normal for teenage couples to split up when they move to study in different places - isn't necessarily as dramatic and awful for either party as PPs have made out. I had a bf for my last 18 months at school - we were in love - we split up the week before going off to uni - it was completely un-traumatic for both of us, and meant we could get on with building new lives in new places, without juggling the demands of a long-distance relationship, intensive course and brand new flatmates/ social scene.

The only thing worth discussing with him would be safer sex. An unplanned pregnancy at this stage in their lives would introduce a whole new level of stress that they'd be better off avoiding. Is this something you've been able to talk to him about?

Nic1435 · 14/06/2023 19:44

If he really wanted too he would. I met my partner in Greece 8 years ago! We lived about 3 hours from each other. We saw each other every 2 weeks and we too it turns to visit. We done long distance for 5 years before I fell pregnant and then I moved! So honestly if he wanted he would make the effort! Xxx

Blueblell · 14/06/2023 20:17

You are overthinking this! They are both very young and can a wonderful 6 weeks trip together without having to commit forever more. Whilst on the trip they may work out that they don’t have a future but still have a great time. She maybe thinking the same. They may split after the trip or they may be married in 50 years time. He is doing nothing wrong here.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/06/2023 20:20

Thelnebriati · 14/06/2023 19:36

If my DS told me this, I'd remind him that sexual consent is not valid if one person conceals information that might make the other person change their mind.

This in spades. Checking her understanding is all that's needed.

canigetitmyself · 14/06/2023 20:24

If he breaks up with her now, she could go with a mate instead

LadyTemperance · 14/06/2023 20:33

I would advise him not to break up with her. By the end of freshers week every girl on my floor who arrived with a boyfriend at home had broken up with them.

gov · 14/06/2023 20:50

I went on a round the world trip with my boyfriend, expecting that we’d probably break up on our return because we were at the age where we should be putting down roots/ making commitments & I wasn’t convinced. We’re celebrating our silver wedding next month- and very happy. You lot who are saying he shouldn’t go would have insisted that I called off our trip beforehand on the basis of how I felt then. Let him be - he’s young, life is fluid. He still loves being with her, he’s still her boyfriend now.

LaDamaDeElche · 14/06/2023 20:51

He’s not planning to break up with her because he has another girl, or is fed up with her and just stringing her along. He still loves her, but he realises that he’s young and not ready for an LD relationship. They can still have a fantastic trip and good memories. Both of them will move on fast starting uni. Some people are looking at this with a very adult mindset. This is not a long term relationship which is going to lead to marriage and kids. It’s young love.

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 14/06/2023 21:20

LadyTemperance · 14/06/2023 20:33

I would advise him not to break up with her. By the end of freshers week every girl on my floor who arrived with a boyfriend at home had broken up with them.

Cunning. 🦊

mamamamamamamamamamachameleon · 14/06/2023 21:28

sevenbyseven · 13/06/2023 14:09

I think it would've much worse to break up with her before the trip.

Spending 6 weeks together will really help to cement in his mind whether he wants to be with afterwards or not. He might change his mind, or he might not - he's right long distance relationships are difficult, so he's probably just being realistic.

This

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