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AIBU?

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Original poster

DS breaking up with GF after trip

362 replies

Flutterflys · 13/06/2023 14:06

My eldest DS is 19, he’s at uni but still lives at home.
In October he started dating a girl who was the friend of one of his friends flatmates at uni (a party was hosted). She was about to turn 18 but in sixth form 2 hours drive/ hour on the train away. They’ve made it work long distance, either she comes here on the weekend or he goes there, lately he’s been going to hers more as he didn’t have an uni classes on a Friday so they got more time together.
They have a massive trip planned together, Netherlands, France, Spain, Switzerland and Italy, 14 cities, 6 weeks. They leave at the start of July, back mid august.
Their hotels are non refundable mostly as are flights/trains. She has paid more especially towards hotels than DS, her family is just far better off than we are she has savings funding much of the trip.
His GF plans to go to uni in London after summer. This would be 4.5 hour drive or 2.5 hours on the train from where we are. So I asked DS if he plans to keep going down on the weekends when she’s there. This is when he told me he actually plans to breakup with her after the trip. I asked why and he told me he still loves her but the travel would be too much every week and he doesn’t want a relationship where he hardly sees the other person. He said longer term he never wants to move to London and her planned career would almost require her to be in London so it wouldn’t work.
Now I think it’s awful that he’s going to go on a six week, romantic trip with her then break up with her once she has her A-Level results.
He thinks the alternative is worse as most of the trip is non-refundable so one of them would lose out on the trip and money and the other would probably have to go alone. He said he still loves her and enjoys being with her so a last trip to have some memories will be nice. He was upset talking about it but is adamant he will break up with her as he doesn’t see it being viable.

AIBU thinking this is awful? I’m so disappointed in him it feels like he is using her for a trip now?

OP posts:
CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 13/06/2023 14:45

Well, she either gets dumped, no trip, loses out on loads of money, has a miserable summer

OR

She has a great trip, great summer, then gets dumped after it

OR - he does the honourable thing, tells her before the trip and she can try and find a friend to take to with her.

tolerable · 13/06/2023 14:45

its utterly cruel to NOT tell her. hes hardly being some sort of hero-"one of them "not going-using her funds/savings is him-no question. surely

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 13/06/2023 14:45

He’s a user and a coward.
And I have an opinion of men who lie to women to get sex.
I can’t believe that as a woman, you’re just going to be silent.
Your son is revolting.
If you can’t get him to do the right thing and break-up with her now, then you should just text her, let her know.

LakeTiticaca · 13/06/2023 14:46

Just let him get on with it. It's not like he's dumping a wife and small babies. Chances are the relationship would have fizzled out anyway. 6 weeks together is a very long time and she also may decide she doesn't wish to continue the relationship. No point in wasting a holiday and if she offered to pay the bulk of it , that's down to her

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/06/2023 14:46

Well, she either gets dumped, no trip, loses out on loads of money, has a miserable summer...

OR

She has a great trip, great summer, then gets dumped after it.

OR

She takes a friend, has a few dalliances in Europe, has a great time, meets lovely people and snogs some French men. While eating ham and cheese and drinking wine.

OR

She meets someone in Italy who is also living in London, and marries him 10 years later.

The fact is he's removing your choices. He's making his based on all the information, but not giving her the same respect.

Parisj · 13/06/2023 14:46

I don't have a problem with what your son is doing. Also, really, he's talking to you about his feelings and his possible course of action, it's not set in stone. She presumably knows this relationship won't last forever and might feel the same. He doesn't need to pay half because it was her that wanted the extra spending on the trip, but he should perhaps offer something again, within his means, or try to cover more of the food costs while they are away. I doubt she could just find a friend to go and then he would lose all his money.

Gracewithoutend · 13/06/2023 14:48

Catspyjamas17 · 13/06/2023 14:44

Sounds pretty sensible and realistic to me. Who on earth thinks they will be together forever with someone they meet at that age? I had a boyfriend then but was looking forward to meeting good looking lads at university, I certainly didn't want to be tied to one person. And most going off to different universities do split up. They are so young and should both just enjoy the trip and not worry about what the future holds.

He certainly isn't thinking they're going to be together forever. Just as long as the trip, which she has paid most for, lasts. And he must have known this before they even booked the trip that he was comfortable with her paying the lions share of.

Catspyjamas17 · 13/06/2023 14:50

People are being melodramatic, they are 17/19 not 47/49 and married.

Gracewithoutend · 13/06/2023 14:51

LakeTiticaca · 13/06/2023 14:46

Just let him get on with it. It's not like he's dumping a wife and small babies. Chances are the relationship would have fizzled out anyway. 6 weeks together is a very long time and she also may decide she doesn't wish to continue the relationship. No point in wasting a holiday and if she offered to pay the bulk of it , that's down to her

She's only 17. Before he even booked the trip he must have been thinking of ending it. And he still let her use her savings to give them a nicer time.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 13/06/2023 14:51

Let’s hope she meets another bloke on day three and kicks OPs son out of the hotel room she paid for, and installs the new chap in his place
sauce for the goose 🤞🏼

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 13/06/2023 14:51

Catspyjamas17 · 13/06/2023 14:50

People are being melodramatic, they are 17/19 not 47/49 and married.

So what?

His behaviour is horrible.

Equalitea · 13/06/2023 14:52

I wouldn’t be happy with my DS at all. He is using her to have a travelling experience that he would not otherwise afford.
mid actually be disgusted if my son behaved that way.
If they’d paid half and half equally then I still wouldn’t like it but it would least be pragmatic, because she’s paid more I don’t think it’s right at all, it’s very selfish.

Gracewithoutend · 13/06/2023 14:53

@MrsTerryPratchett

👍 Abso-flipping-lutely.

Maddy70 · 13/06/2023 14:53

I think he's being realistic and actually mature about this. Keep out

Original poster
Flutterflys · 13/06/2023 14:55

We have spoke a little more about it.
He has said he wishes he could talk to her about it and both know going in that after the trip things would come to an end but he’s worried she will just not want to go if he mentions. I asked if it was the thought of losing his money or something else and he said it would be annoying to lose the money but he’d be upset at missing out on a trip with someone he lives and enjoys spending time with.
I’ve recommended he speaks to her about it. Her last exam is on Friday so they can think it over during the next two weeks, if she doesn’t want him to go she can take a friend and try get him his money back or maybe she will be happy to have six weeks with him either as friends or still as a couple but atleast know where she stands

OP posts:
Delphigirl · 13/06/2023 14:55

He should go, enjoy the trip and see what happens. It might entirely change his mind about whether the relationship is viable long distance next year. I would say don’t get involved. A lot can change. She might dump him after the trip!

Ilovelurchers · 13/06/2023 14:55

One of my stepsons (not one I am especially close to) did something similar a few years ago - broke up with a girl after they had just come back from the trip of a lifetime - I felt it was cruel as it must have completely marred her memories of the trip, and made her feel really silly! And I am certain he intended to break up with her all along - he just wanted someone to go away with. I massively disapproved but everyone else seemed to think it was just her look-out and her loss.....

In your son's case, the fact that she is mostly funding it makes this even worse - not just kind of thoughtless but almost exploitative in a way?

I am sure he doesn't mean it like that, but if it was my daughter I would be very clear with her I didn't think she was being kind or decent.

Gracewithoutend · 13/06/2023 14:55

Catspyjamas17 · 13/06/2023 14:50

People are being melodramatic, they are 17/19 not 47/49 and married.

No it's worse. At 47, I'd expect women to have more foresight. At 17 you're still innocent. To have your girlfriend pay for most of the holiday while planning to dump her is horrible behaviour.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 13/06/2023 14:56

aSofaNearYou · 13/06/2023 14:12

I think if he wasn't adamant and was dithering I would agree with him. But if he's actually sure I do think he should do it now - she could take someone else on that trip and it could help her get over it. This way, she'll likely be blindsided.

Same.

If she knew she might decide to pay for a friend to accompany her. She might meet somebody knew etc... But now?

He's keeping from her that this relationship has a set end date.

He isn't considering a breakup. He isn't wondering about the impact of her living in London.

But he is sure. If I was her I'd want to break up ASAP and not go on a 6 week trip and not get even more attached.

And I definitely would not want to fund his trip!

RedHelenB · 13/06/2023 14:56

He may well change his mind again after the trip. Or she might decide she wants to dump him. I'd step back and let things play out.

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 13/06/2023 14:56

Let’s take the age out of this.

So all of you saying his being ’realistic & mature’ (wtf?) are you telling me you all would ve okey being taken for a fool, for weeks. And being used for money and sex, being lied to and then immediately being dumped once this parasite sucked everything they wanted from you?

Would you call that person smart and mature?

I do not believe you.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 13/06/2023 14:57

Oh dear, young love!

It's sad, but he's probably not in a position to commit long term at the moment/at his age, so he's just being realistic, and honest with you....I'd say nothing!

SirenSays · 13/06/2023 14:57

I'd rather go alone or with a friend than be paying for and sleeping with someone who already planned to dump me.

aSofaNearYou · 13/06/2023 14:57

Flutterflys · 13/06/2023 14:55

We have spoke a little more about it.
He has said he wishes he could talk to her about it and both know going in that after the trip things would come to an end but he’s worried she will just not want to go if he mentions. I asked if it was the thought of losing his money or something else and he said it would be annoying to lose the money but he’d be upset at missing out on a trip with someone he lives and enjoys spending time with.
I’ve recommended he speaks to her about it. Her last exam is on Friday so they can think it over during the next two weeks, if she doesn’t want him to go she can take a friend and try get him his money back or maybe she will be happy to have six weeks with him either as friends or still as a couple but atleast know where she stands

That's really, really unfair. He knows she probably wouldn't go along with it and she knew so he's taking the choice from her. Tbh, it's the way a cheater would think.

Original poster
Flutterflys · 13/06/2023 14:57

Gracewithoutend · 13/06/2023 14:51

She's only 17. Before he even booked the trip he must have been thinking of ending it. And he still let her use her savings to give them a nicer time.

Show quote history

She’s 18 now (her birthday was not long after they met).
I asked if he’d always been planning to break up with her. He said no, he hadn’t really thought about how it would work when she went to uni when they planned the trip (March time).

OP posts: