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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS breaking up with GF after trip

362 replies

Flutterflys · 13/06/2023 14:06

My eldest DS is 19, he’s at uni but still lives at home.
In October he started dating a girl who was the friend of one of his friends flatmates at uni (a party was hosted). She was about to turn 18 but in sixth form 2 hours drive/ hour on the train away. They’ve made it work long distance, either she comes here on the weekend or he goes there, lately he’s been going to hers more as he didn’t have an uni classes on a Friday so they got more time together.
They have a massive trip planned together, Netherlands, France, Spain, Switzerland and Italy, 14 cities, 6 weeks. They leave at the start of July, back mid august.
Their hotels are non refundable mostly as are flights/trains. She has paid more especially towards hotels than DS, her family is just far better off than we are she has savings funding much of the trip.
His GF plans to go to uni in London after summer. This would be 4.5 hour drive or 2.5 hours on the train from where we are. So I asked DS if he plans to keep going down on the weekends when she’s there. This is when he told me he actually plans to breakup with her after the trip. I asked why and he told me he still loves her but the travel would be too much every week and he doesn’t want a relationship where he hardly sees the other person. He said longer term he never wants to move to London and her planned career would almost require her to be in London so it wouldn’t work.
Now I think it’s awful that he’s going to go on a six week, romantic trip with her then break up with her once she has her A-Level results.
He thinks the alternative is worse as most of the trip is non-refundable so one of them would lose out on the trip and money and the other would probably have to go alone. He said he still loves her and enjoys being with her so a last trip to have some memories will be nice. He was upset talking about it but is adamant he will break up with her as he doesn’t see it being viable.

AIBU thinking this is awful? I’m so disappointed in him it feels like he is using her for a trip now?

OP posts:
Lacucuracha · 13/06/2023 15:14

I think it’s fine, a pragmatical approach to just one of those things.

Maybe they’ll realise they make better friends and retain their friendship.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/06/2023 15:16

Daisydu · 13/06/2023 15:08

Doesn’t sound like he’s doing it to get a trip out of it, it sounds like he genuinely loves her and loves spending time with her so wants to go on the trip with her, however he realises he can’t see it going anywhere because they are going in different directions. I actually think he sounds quite mature about it

Then he can say that to her. And she can make her own mind up.

Because regardless of his pure and lovely sentiments, she may look back on it as manipulative and exploitative.

SpareHeirOverThere · 13/06/2023 15:16

His choice may be for the best for her. It may not be. She may wish - after the trip and he has ended it - that she wishes she had not gone. She may be glad that she went, regardless of the relationship ending. It's impossible for any of us to say.

So... stay out of it. It's his call, and it's not clear which choice is better.

The best time, for her, may be about a month or so after she starts uni. She'll be settled into her new exciting life at uni, surrounded by single men her age, the trip will seem a lifetime ago, and the connection between the trip and the break-up will be less obvious. No time's good for heartbreak, but that's a less-bad time.

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 13/06/2023 15:16

Maybe they’ll realise they make better friends and retain their friendship.

Yes, because lier, user, fuckboy, leech, scumbag makes such a good friend!

MorrisZapp · 13/06/2023 15:17

I put off dumping a guy for two weeks because my hoover broke and he had a Henry.

Payday finally came and I binned him, I wasn't 18 either 😬

aSofaNearYou · 13/06/2023 15:17

Daisydu · 13/06/2023 15:08

Doesn’t sound like he’s doing it to get a trip out of it, it sounds like he genuinely loves her and loves spending time with her so wants to go on the trip with her, however he realises he can’t see it going anywhere because they are going in different directions. I actually think he sounds quite mature about it

He has said he wishes he could talk to her about it and both know going in that after the trip things would come to an end but he’s worried she will just not want to go if he mentions. I asked if it was the thought of losing his money or something else and he said it would be annoying to lose the money but he’d be upset at missing out on a trip with someone he lives and enjoys spending time with.

It very much does sound like he doesn't want to miss the trip. And that he knows she would not want to go with him if she knew. This is far from mature.

Gracewithoutend · 13/06/2023 15:17

saltinesandcoffeecups · 13/06/2023 15:12

I thought they are both paying for the trip… She is paying more because she wanted better hotels.

Show quote history

Because she thinks they're going to be together. Would she have done the same if he'd told her he was dumping her afterwards? We won't ever know because he kept that from her in case it meant him missing out on a nice holiday.

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 13/06/2023 15:17

Nobody at 18 is assuming their current partner will be there forever, she will be well aware she likely won't be walking down the aisle with him.

If you can't go on holiday with a partner unless you're 100pc certain you'll be staying with them forever well, we'd all have missed out on some great holidays.

Also ending relationships isn't that easy. He may end up bottling it and letting her dump him when she gets fed up with a long distance relationship next year.

I hate to break it to you but his next GF probably won't be the one he stays with forever, either, or the one after that.

They're kids, they'll have a great time and have some happy memories.

If the concern is money, can't you pay his share as a gift and make that problem evaporate.

Rainallnight · 13/06/2023 15:17

I can kind of see how he’s got into this situation because teenagers aren’t known for their long term thinking.

But now that he has realised, I think he needs to do the decent thing, tell her how he feels, and give her the option to go with someone else.

For me, honestly, it’s the sex thing. Assuming they’re having sex, and it’s a newish thing, then there’s every chance she’ll just feel dreadful getting dumped after a summer of possible shagging around Europe. She could feel so used.

Thebigblueballoon · 13/06/2023 15:17

One other point OP: if your son breaks up with her immediately after this trip of a lifetime, she’s going to wonder what the heck she did wrong during that time. He’s at risk of giving her a complex! And she’ll feel double upset and humiliated if she later learns she “wasted” her summer holiday before university. It’s living a lie on her dime, and if you condone it in any way, you’re teaching him some pretty dodgy lessons about trust and honesty.

AgnesX · 13/06/2023 15:18

Have to say it comes across as he's using her to find a nice holiday. Not nice.

Bet the odds that if he told her this she'd find an alternative to going with him. At it stands it's a crap way for her to start university life.

Regardless of how "realistic" he (and other posters who aren't on the receiving end) think they are I guarantee she won't feel the same way.

Guiltridden12345 · 13/06/2023 15:18

This isn’t your issue or your decision so yabu to try to intervene. He is being realistic and pragmatic. They are incredibly young and 99 per cent likely to break up shortly afterwards anyway as they both forge ahead with uni life. I don’t think she’ll be traumatised by the trip if he does break up with her due to practicalities. I broke up with a boyfriend when I went to uni for the same reason, and again at the end of uni when I moved cities for work. It’s life. He sounds like he has his head screwed on to be honest.

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 13/06/2023 15:18

He's a teenager, he's not mature.

Gracewithoutend · 13/06/2023 15:18

MorrisZapp · 13/06/2023 15:17

I put off dumping a guy for two weeks because my hoover broke and he had a Henry.

Payday finally came and I binned him, I wasn't 18 either 😬

Did you get him to spend his savings on buying you a new hoover and then dump him?

saltinesandcoffeecups · 13/06/2023 15:19

Thebigblueballoon · 13/06/2023 15:17

One other point OP: if your son breaks up with her immediately after this trip of a lifetime, she’s going to wonder what the heck she did wrong during that time. He’s at risk of giving her a complex! And she’ll feel double upset and humiliated if she later learns she “wasted” her summer holiday before university. It’s living a lie on her dime, and if you condone it in any way, you’re teaching him some pretty dodgy lessons about trust and honesty.

We’ll clearly he should just marry her right here and now so that she doesn’t get a complex 🙄

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 13/06/2023 15:19

It doesn't really matter what anybody here thinks. He will do what he wants. His mother is disappointed and he, like teens immemorial, is self-absorbed.

MorrisZapp, Shock You Henry Hussy, you!

FlibbedyFlobbedyFloo · 13/06/2023 15:19

Poor girl, she is going to feel sooooo used!

blueshirt · 13/06/2023 15:20

This reply has been deleted

We're taking this down whilst we have a look behind the scenes.

aSofaNearYou · 13/06/2023 15:21

Guiltridden12345 · 13/06/2023 15:18

This isn’t your issue or your decision so yabu to try to intervene. He is being realistic and pragmatic. They are incredibly young and 99 per cent likely to break up shortly afterwards anyway as they both forge ahead with uni life. I don’t think she’ll be traumatised by the trip if he does break up with her due to practicalities. I broke up with a boyfriend when I went to uni for the same reason, and again at the end of uni when I moved cities for work. It’s life. He sounds like he has his head screwed on to be honest.

I was absolutely devastated by a break up at that age, full on depressive mental breakdown. If it had been serious enough for us to have just spent six weeks abroad with them, I can't imagine how I'd have felt.

A lot of young people feel things very strongly. She could well be very traumatised.

Lacucuracha · 13/06/2023 15:21

Gracewithoutend · 13/06/2023 15:18

Did you get him to spend his savings on buying you a new hoover and then dump him?

Show quote history

How do you know DS ‘got her’ to spend the money? Sounds like she wanted to pay.

She’ll have an amazing trip with a companion, and the hotel would have cost the same for one traveller.

MinionsHooray · 13/06/2023 15:22

Eugh he’s using her to get a trip he couldn’t afford on his own and then he’s going to dump her. What a loser. Future cock lodger in the making.

He should dump her before and let her take someone else.

Thebigblueballoon · 13/06/2023 15:22

saltinesandcoffeecups · 13/06/2023 15:19

We’ll clearly he should just marry her right here and now so that she doesn’t get a complex 🙄

Show quote history

😂😂😂 Good point, well made.

movein · 13/06/2023 15:22

I think he’s sensible. They may as well enjoy the summer. he may change his mind he may not. They’re young. I’d be far more upset about trying to have a long distance relationship at that age

crazyaboutcats · 13/06/2023 15:22

She is likely thinking about it as well, even if not I doubt he's going to dump her on the tarmack

I think he should be paying for half the trip though

Gracewithoutend · 13/06/2023 15:23

Guiltridden12345 · 13/06/2023 15:18

This isn’t your issue or your decision so yabu to try to intervene. He is being realistic and pragmatic. They are incredibly young and 99 per cent likely to break up shortly afterwards anyway as they both forge ahead with uni life. I don’t think she’ll be traumatised by the trip if he does break up with her due to practicalities. I broke up with a boyfriend when I went to uni for the same reason, and again at the end of uni when I moved cities for work. It’s life. He sounds like he has his head screwed on to be honest.

He certainly got his head screwed on to get himself a nice holiday. He's approached getting that very pragmatically.

  1. Discuss going on amazing holiday.
  2. Accept his younger partner using her savings for some nice upgrades.
  3. Dump her.

Yes, very practical of him.