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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DS breaking up with GF after trip

362 replies

Flutterflys · 13/06/2023 14:06

My eldest DS is 19, he’s at uni but still lives at home.
In October he started dating a girl who was the friend of one of his friends flatmates at uni (a party was hosted). She was about to turn 18 but in sixth form 2 hours drive/ hour on the train away. They’ve made it work long distance, either she comes here on the weekend or he goes there, lately he’s been going to hers more as he didn’t have an uni classes on a Friday so they got more time together.
They have a massive trip planned together, Netherlands, France, Spain, Switzerland and Italy, 14 cities, 6 weeks. They leave at the start of July, back mid august.
Their hotels are non refundable mostly as are flights/trains. She has paid more especially towards hotels than DS, her family is just far better off than we are she has savings funding much of the trip.
His GF plans to go to uni in London after summer. This would be 4.5 hour drive or 2.5 hours on the train from where we are. So I asked DS if he plans to keep going down on the weekends when she’s there. This is when he told me he actually plans to breakup with her after the trip. I asked why and he told me he still loves her but the travel would be too much every week and he doesn’t want a relationship where he hardly sees the other person. He said longer term he never wants to move to London and her planned career would almost require her to be in London so it wouldn’t work.
Now I think it’s awful that he’s going to go on a six week, romantic trip with her then break up with her once she has her A-Level results.
He thinks the alternative is worse as most of the trip is non-refundable so one of them would lose out on the trip and money and the other would probably have to go alone. He said he still loves her and enjoys being with her so a last trip to have some memories will be nice. He was upset talking about it but is adamant he will break up with her as he doesn’t see it being viable.

AIBU thinking this is awful? I’m so disappointed in him it feels like he is using her for a trip now?

OP posts:
Newname2323 · 14/06/2023 21:32

Load of rubbish that he's upset and doesn't want her to lose out on money. She could take someone else and if the idea made you that upset you'd see how long distance goes before deciding when you're going to break up with her. Poor girl

chubbychopsticks · 15/06/2023 00:25

He sounds realistic and sensible. Things will no doubt change when she heads to Uni in London. Long distance relationship may not be what she wants either. Let them have fun and see what happens. Who knows it could work out.

KM123456 · 15/06/2023 00:33

I think it's kinder to break up with her after she has done her A levels--which is what he seems to be planning to do. Breaking up with her now, when she is going into her A levels, is mean.

Hawkins0001 · 15/06/2023 01:35

That's the thing with long distance it's a mix at times

JudgeRudy · 15/06/2023 03:25

What a dilemma for him....and you. Firstly what you need to do is nothing! Whatever he decides don't tell her, but there's nothing to stop you making suggestions.
Personally I sent think he should go on the trip for 2 reasons. If he's going to break up with her she'll be blindsided and angry....and likely heartbroken a few weeks before she embarks on uni. I also think given what he says that he may struggle to 'dump' her and drag things on. The fairest thing is to say he's not coming and give her the opportunity to find a replacement travel companion.
I wonder if part of his thinking is simple possessiveness. He doesn't want her but the idea of her having a Euro Romance with someone fills him with jealousy. It's niave of him to think that it will be nice to build some memories together to end on a high. I'm pretty sure if she new how he was thinking she wouldn't want them to go.
Ultimately though, it's up go him and I'd stay quiet however I'd make it very clear you won't be joining in with the deception and will be 'withdrawing' from your relationship with her.
BTW, I think it's sensible to call this one to an end.

MayThe4th · 15/06/2023 03:49

People are quick to jump to the conclusion that he’s going to dump her out of the blue and she’s going to be blindsided.

Assuming they have a decent relationship, and presumably they do if they planned a six week trip away together, there’s no way they won’t have discussed the pitfalls of a long distance relationship when she goes off to uni.

Assuming he hasn’t promised her marriage and babies and a bright future, she almost certainly knows that this relationship has no future.

He’s likely only going to do what they have previously talked about.

It’s possible to love someone and to be realistic about the future.

But hey he’s a man, so the automatic assumption is that he’s using her. Maybe he in fact doesn’t want to break up with her, but realistically there is no future in this relationship, and he’s acknowledging that.

When I was his age I moved from one country to another with my family. I was devastated to leave my then BF behind, but I had no choice, I didn’t have a job and there were very few prospects in the country I was living in. So we made the decision to wait for each other I would find work and qualifications and go back and we would be together. We loved each other.

But the reality was that it was never going to happen. And I spent a year trying to make my job work and to save the money, and having conversations about the promised future. And then he met someone else.

In hindsight I wish we’d just agreed to part ways when I left. It would have saved a lot of heartbreak and wondering and wishing, and would have given us the opportunity to move on with our lives so much sooner.

it wouldn’t have meant we didn’t love each other. We could have loved each other until I left. And then been realistic about the future.

RantyAnty · 15/06/2023 04:16

He's embarrassingly awful.

Then he sends her a message like that right before her exams.

Tis a shame her parents haven't warned her about funding a crap male she's been dating a few months.

DadBodAlready · 15/06/2023 14:29

I'm sorry, but I think your son is in the wrong. If he's already decided then he should tell her now or at the very least initiate an honest discussion about the travel distance his feelings, otherwise he's just stringing her along for his benefit. Does she see the distance as being a problem?

Notamum12345577 · 21/08/2023 11:49

Thepeopleversuswork · 13/06/2023 15:28

They are teenagers so the idea they would have a long term future together is ridiculous. I wouldn’t be encouraging a child of that age to entertain the idea right before university. You should certainly not put pressure on him to stay with her.

But I agree that he should not be piggybacking on her generosity when she’s in blissful ignorance and presumably thinks she’s in love.

why is it ridiculous? We met and got together at 19 and 17, and are still together 20 years later, 19 married. I know it’s not really relevant to the post, but still..

Izzabird · 21/08/2023 12:04

Notamum12345577 · 21/08/2023 11:49

why is it ridiculous? We met and got together at 19 and 17, and are still together 20 years later, 19 married. I know it’s not really relevant to the post, but still..

Well, it is ridiculous, and I say that as someone who also met her husband when we were both in second year at university. It frankly amazes me, as well as other people, that a decision made in my teens continues to be a good one 30 years on, and I recognise that my own experience is atypical, and in part lasted because we always let the other person free to follow their path, which involved living in separate countries for chunks of every year etc.

I'd be horrified if my DS allowed a teenage relationship to limit him.

Thepeopleversuswork · 21/08/2023 12:48

why is it ridiculous? We met and got together at 19 and 17, and are still together 20 years later, 19 married. I know it’s not really relevant to the post, but still..

I mean there are always outliers but as a general rule the partners that teenagers choose are not the best life partners. If I'd ended up with my boyfriend at 19 it would quite possibly have ruined my life, stopped me going to university etc. I would strongly discourage my DD from settling down before the age of 30. I just think most young people aren't equipped to make that sort of decision.

BlueGrey1 · 31/01/2024 18:51

Just wondering if they broke up or decided to make a go of the long distance relationship after the trip

They sounded like they loved and cared for each other

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