To intervene in DS's relationship?

[AlyssaHasAChaaaaild]

DS and his girlfriend are both 20. Met in 6th form and have dated ever since, now both at different Unis and keeping things going long distance.

She is from a strict religious background and made clear at the start there would be no sex before marriage. 2 years in they are being a bit physical but not even close to or considering having sex.

Her mum has got wind of this and is furious, and blames DS for "corrupting" her. There is no question around consent, it's just the religious principle that she can't accept that her daughter would do anything physical before marriage and so he is to blame.

Her mum has said the relationship can only continue if he agrees to go and have a sit down chat with her so she can explain why she is angry with him and set some ground rules. Girlfriend seems to agree this is a reasonable idea, DS is pretty horrified at the prospect but feels if he doesn't agree then the relationship will end.

I'm trying to bite my tongue because I know he adores her and I have seen how happy they are together. But FFS this seems insane to me and I want to tell him to run for the hills. I feel like even if he does this it's only a matter of time before the mum pipes up and interferes about something else.

TBH it's the girlfriend I'm most angry with as I feel like she has thrown him to the wolves and is letting this happen. I think she is a bit scared of her mum but that doesn't excuse her letting DS get painted as the bad guy.

But if I say this to DS am I being interfering too?

I'm not sure it's helpful to tell him to run for the hills, although I understand the urge. Might be more helpful to make clear to him that what she is asking is not reasonable or normal and that he is entitled to consider how he wants to proceed.

No, he shouldn't do that. That would be allowing her to control him and that's a very unhealthy dynamic. That woman has no sense of boundaries.

Nope. Just no. I’d tell him to run too.

They’ve been in a relationship for two years and like it or not, it seems to be serious. Your DS was going to meet her mother at some point, so I do not see the issue with him meeting and reassuring the mother that he is serious about her daughter and respects their religion in terms of not pressuring her for sex.

Theres also nothing wrong with this girls mum wanting to meet the boyfriend she’s been seeing for two years and laying down ground rules per their religion if the relationship continues to get more serious and potentially become marriage.

She actually said to him, If you love me then you'd be happy to listen to what my mum has to say. Which seemed incredibly controlling to me.

I would hate for my dc to be in a relationship with someone who has no autonomy over their body or decisions concerning their own desires. At 20 it’s not for her mother to set ground rules however as daughter clearly seems to be going along with this I would urge your ds to seriously rethink this relationship as this will not be the last time that religion or her mother interfere with her life, decisions or choices.

Wouldn't it be better to advise him to act as an adult.

In his shoes I would explain to his girlfriend that as they are both adults, a discussion of their intimate life (or indeed their belief system) with a third party is wholly inappropriate.

And leave it to his girlfriend to deal with her interfering and intrusive family member.

Mum has met him many many times.

They aren't allowed to visit each other at Uni - mum's rules - so he has often been to her house and spent time there (not overnight obvs).

She is 20 not 12

Wow that’s hard. I think it’s not interfering to offer support by agreeing this is not normal and it’s ok for him to feel uncomfortable about his ‘MIL’ wanting to give them both boundaries around their sex life! And also ok to talk about your view that ‘if you love me you would…’ can be a concerning tactic. Beyond that though he has to make his choices. Poor guy!

I wouldn’t tell him to run for the hills or encourage him to dump her because he’s only going to resent you for that, and possibly cling on further. I would, however, point out how unreasonable her mum is being, and stress how normal it is to be having sex with a partner at his age. He shouldn’t be getting any hang ups about it.

So if you were the OP then you would lay down ground rules for the girlfriend? But object to the girlfriends mum doing the same?

One of my concerns would be whether the
mother is trying to split them up. If it got the point of marriage would she go along with that or would she try and stop her DD marrying someone from a different faith? What if there were children? It’s all a very complicated situation and it will take a lot of maturity for these young people to find a way forward but that may not be impossible.

How on earth, did the mum ‘get wind of this’? But, you might consider talking to him about boundaries and to encourage him to think of what his boundaries are. The girlfriend may be scared of the mother, but this is not reasonable at all.

What the hell?

Yes i would be having a chat with him and asking " is thus really what you want?'

What religion is it?

That's not what is being said at all.

I would tell him…
you do not need to listen to the mother. You do not need to understand where she is coming from.
you need to respect your girlfriend and her boundaries - regardless of whether these are religious or personal. She consents to physical aspects, you are fine.
she doesn’t, you stop.
have you asked her why you need to be in charge of her religious believes? SHE needs to be in charge of setting her boundaries.

You really shouldn’t be turning different religious beliefs about sex before marriage into something that is abnormal or unreasonable. That’s their religion.

I’d be there for him for support and advice if he asks for it. But ultimately, let him make his own decisions about how he handles this and if it goes wrong, be there to support him then, too.
He is an adult and it’s up to him to make his own choices, and sometimes, mistakes, on how he handles the relationship.

FWIW, I would be annoyed at GF and her DM too - they are being ridiculous.

They are English and C of E. They don't actually go to church but their faith is extremely important to them.

DS is totally non religious but he and girlfriend don't seem to have any conflict over that. He respects her values and appreciates the comfort she gets from religion even if he doesn't go along with it.

Perhaps the girlfriend could have have a sit down chat with you while your son speaks to her mother?

I don't think you should attempt to intervene in any way, or tell your ds what to do, but I do think you should offer him a listening ear to help him work out how he wants to respond.

I did want to ask if she'd like to come and talk to DH about sex too?

It's inappropriate. That girl isn't ready to be in a serious relationship.

I would also encourage him to to think about what her religion might mean for them if they stay together long term. How it would impact on any children they might have etc...