To intervene in DS's relationship?

[AlyssaHasAChaaaaild]

DS and his girlfriend are both 20. Met in 6th form and have dated ever since, now both at different Unis and keeping things going long distance.

She is from a strict religious background and made clear at the start there would be no sex before marriage. 2 years in they are being a bit physical but not even close to or considering having sex.

Her mum has got wind of this and is furious, and blames DS for "corrupting" her. There is no question around consent, it's just the religious principle that she can't accept that her daughter would do anything physical before marriage and so he is to blame.

Her mum has said the relationship can only continue if he agrees to go and have a sit down chat with her so she can explain why she is angry with him and set some ground rules. Girlfriend seems to agree this is a reasonable idea, DS is pretty horrified at the prospect but feels if he doesn't agree then the relationship will end.

I'm trying to bite my tongue because I know he adores her and I have seen how happy they are together. But FFS this seems insane to me and I want to tell him to run for the hills. I feel like even if he does this it's only a matter of time before the mum pipes up and interferes about something else.

TBH it's the girlfriend I'm most angry with as I feel like she has thrown him to the wolves and is letting this happen. I think she is a bit scared of her mum but that doesn't excuse her letting DS get painted as the bad guy.

But if I say this to DS am I being interfering too?

If it does end because of those it won't have ended for no good reason though. It will have ended because despite him respecting her boundaries, she has now changed those boundaries and devolved the decision making to her mother. Meaning the relationship is no longer a happy and respectful consensual one.

As others have said, it's not about advising your child, it's about discussing what healthy relationships look like - the way you would with a friend or sister.

Goodness this is a relationship I would be encouraging my child to run a mile from. Sex before marriage is not a sin that’s her opinion & forcing that upon someone else (your son) is appalling behaviour

I would be having a very, very big conversation with my son about this. I would absolutely encourage him to run like his arse is on fire. It would ultimately be his choice, but he needs to hear how sick and controlling this all is and how badly it bodes for his future.

It's also quite OK not to. Why would abstaining always be about "hang ups"?

It kind of doesn't matter if she wants to "consider them married" because it's meaningless unless they actually get married.

I would be concerned in this scenario about your ds being pressured into actual marriage before he is ready, simply because he doesn't want to lose this girl.

He needs to be very clear about his own boundaries. The girlfriend is responsible for hers.

My advice to your son is this:

Your GF is saying "if you love me you'll do this".

My response would be "if YOU love ME then you would be honest with your Mum. You have been an enthusiastic and willing part of everything we have done together. If you aren't prepared to be upfront with your Mum, and you think that it's fair to let her blame everything on me, then I don't think this is going to work."

He doesn't want to lose the relationship - that's clear. But he needs to take a step back and think about what this puts on him. That his GF is prepared to throw him under the bus, carry on pretending to be the sweet innocent religious girl who got led astray and lay 100% of the blame at his feet.

You've said take away religion and they are compatible. The problem is that you cannot take away the religion - it's intrinsic to her life. She'd have to walk away from it, and by the sounds of it her family, which doesn't sound likely. So unfortunately they are not compatible.

This. The girl and her family Obviously have a very different belief system and culture from your family. Your son needs to decide if this is something he can deal with. Ignoring cultural differences won’t make them go away.

I am C of E - my MIL (sat next to me) is a C of E priest, and we both think that this woman is out of order. The Anglican Church does not preach this (heck's sake even MIL has been divorced and remarried and they still ordained her, and DH and I lived together way before we were married). GF mother is indoctrinating her, and your son should steer well away.

I hope for your sons sake that this relationship dies a death very soon, it's never going to end well with his girlfriends mother so much in control. She's going to stick her oar into every aspect of their lives and think she has a say.

Girlfriend was clear from the beginning and DS accepted her stance. I'm sure it's frustrating at times, but he knows what her views are and was prepared to go along with that.

As her boundaries have softened a bit he's happy to go along with that too, but I've talked to him so much about consent and boundaries and he is clear that it's all about the two of them agreeing things between them, that's all that matters.

It's the fact the mum wants to make him hear her opinion and rules that's worrying. Plus the fact that the girlfriend is happy with this.

Red flag is they claim to be extremists when it comes to religion but are big standard C of E And don't go to church - 🚩

Absolutely OK not to. I was referring to hang-ups regarding any sort of physical relationship due to her mother’s extreme and controlling behaviour. I don’t think abstaining necessarily relates to any hang-ups.

He's 20. Let him live his own life and make his own decisions about what is right. If you get involved, you're no better than the girls mother.

But it is abnormal and unreasonable. And a key element of patriarchal religion has always been controlling women’s sexuality. The fact that a 20 year old young adult woman is letting her mother and a deity dictate her sex life is abnormal. Even leaving aside the Jesus-freakery, it is ridiculously infantilising that Mummy ‘won’t allow’ two adults to visit one another at university, and that the daughter is going along with that. Bad news all round. I’m not surprised you’re alarmed, OP. Your son is sleepwalking into allowing his own life to be closed down.

Abstaining because god is always watching is a hang up I don't think anyone should have personally.

My mum was deeply religious too. No sex allowed before marriage too. To be honest the mum wants to ask what his intentions are with her daughter, are they going to get married soon? She is reminding him not to have sex with her before marriage. It's not going to work is it? They're in a 2 year relationship without sex unless they're married. He's best off moving on or proposing to her.

I see no issue with just hearing her out. Listening to another person say their opinion doesn’t mean you have to agree with or obey them. I’ve had very religious relatives and in amongst the religious forest of verbosity, there were usually simple messages about love and respect that I could find common ground with. There’s no reason to fear this woman from what you’ve said so far.

"He doesn't want to lose the relationship - that's clear. But he needs to take a step back and think about what this puts on him. That his GF is prepared to throw him under the bus, carry on pretending to be the sweet innocent religious girl who got led astray and lay 100% of the blame at his feet."

@WaterIris Completely agree with this.

I'm CofE and I don't think CofE vicars should be trying to break relationships of others up when they have absolutely no idea of what the full truth of the situation is. I really don't think that is within the faith.

They are both adults Nothing to do with parents on both sides.

The daughter is an adult. It is 2023. Parental intervention about ‘honourable intentions’ was last appropriate many years ago, before women got access to the vote, the professional world, and reliable contraception.

My mother is also deeply devout, and strongly anti-sex before marriage. Within marriage, no contraception. That was my upbringing. Fortunately, I grew out of this long before the age of 20.

How ridiculous! How can mum possibly control where she is all the time?

That’s your opinion. It is a different set of equally valid values. While religious shouldn’t impose their beliefs on others, neither should the nonreligious mock their beliefs as “abnormal” or “infantilising” or call it “Jesus-fakery”

This isn't about religion it's about control.

She sounds incredibly controlling.
If your DS and GF want to continue their relationship then they together need to stand up to the MIL.

Now it's much easier for your DS to stand up to her as he doesn't live with her the GF presumably does and needs to face the consequences every day.

She sounds like she's always been controlled and now MIL is trying to control him too.