To intervene in DS's relationship?

[AlyssaHasAChaaaaild]

DS and his girlfriend are both 20. Met in 6th form and have dated ever since, now both at different Unis and keeping things going long distance.

She is from a strict religious background and made clear at the start there would be no sex before marriage. 2 years in they are being a bit physical but not even close to or considering having sex.

Her mum has got wind of this and is furious, and blames DS for "corrupting" her. There is no question around consent, it's just the religious principle that she can't accept that her daughter would do anything physical before marriage and so he is to blame.

Her mum has said the relationship can only continue if he agrees to go and have a sit down chat with her so she can explain why she is angry with him and set some ground rules. Girlfriend seems to agree this is a reasonable idea, DS is pretty horrified at the prospect but feels if he doesn't agree then the relationship will end.

I'm trying to bite my tongue because I know he adores her and I have seen how happy they are together. But FFS this seems insane to me and I want to tell him to run for the hills. I feel like even if he does this it's only a matter of time before the mum pipes up and interferes about something else.

TBH it's the girlfriend I'm most angry with as I feel like she has thrown him to the wolves and is letting this happen. I think she is a bit scared of her mum but that doesn't excuse her letting DS get painted as the bad guy.

But if I say this to DS am I being interfering too?

They are very religious but dont go to church and C of E sounds a bit whacky to me and why is their sex life anybodys business. I would be mortified if my sex life or lack of it,was discussed by my parents.
They are nor 15 they are old enough to make their own minds up. Jeeze some parents.

Absolutely perfectly put @WaterIris

Perhaps show your son some of these responses OP as I fear he maybe so blinkered by his love and devotion for his GF, that he can't see the wood for the trees.

If her mother is able to interfere into the level of intimacy her 20 yr old daughter has with a long term boyfriend, I dread to think what beholds them in the future where she is concerned! Probably expect to share the suite on their wedding night and go away with them on honeymoon! 😂

Joking aside, your DS does need to see all sides to this and how it may impact him in the future if he progresses with the relationship.

Completely agree, respect and boundaries work both ways, and religion or not, yours sons, girlfriends mother has no business talking to your sone about this, if she is unhappy with it then she needs to take it up with her daughter.

Also, strictly religious but doesn't go to church??

I would be very concerned that her mothers involvement is such that should they let loose, an accusation of coercion could be used against him to calm them down.

He sounds very very vulnerable and the mother sounds very controlling.

What if this is a level of involvement his girlfriend will be content with long term?

It sounds deeply unhealthy and I absolutely would be laying it all out for him.

He needs to protect himself IMO.

@AP5Diva on the better end of the scale I wonder if this might be something of nothing and a friendly mum wanting to just say a few words about her faith. Which would be a bit odd but fine.

But deep down I'm not sure this is it.

It's been billed as a bit of a dealbreaker, you have to come round and listen to her, she is angry, she wants to set you straight, we can't see each other out of the house until you do this, you'd do it if you loved me...... and the girlfriend is happy to force him into this. It doesn't feel relaxed and casual at all.

I was brought up pretty strictly by modern standards, including going to church. I'm still pretty straight laced on a lot of matters (things like lying, for example). But in thems of this issue, time, observation, and experience brings wisdom, and I now think it's little short of insane to contemplate marriage without making very sure that you are sexually compatible. Whilst, of course, taking all precautions against pregnancy or STDs.
People who attempt to interfere in their kids' sex lives on religious grounds rather than just giving advice on the health aspects of sex (if they really must chip in) are definitely religious bigots/extremists, by definition. And very, very unwise. Also, anyone adult enough to be contemplating marriage ought also to be adult enough to be able to tell their parents to mind their own business and not be laying down the law about such intimate things. I'd be very concerned about any adult still under the thumb of their parents to this extent- I certainly would not want one as a DIL or SonIL.

OP I would definitely push the point about the fact that his GF is supposed to love him as well. And if she really does care about him, then why would she want to lie to her Mum and blame it all on him? If her religious values were truly important to her, she wouldn't want to lie anyway, would she?

Ask him if the tables were turned, would be lie to you and blame it all on the GF to protect himself, and insist the GF has to come and have a lecture off you for 'leading him astray'?

I’d explain to him that the mother is being completely inappropriate. The girlfriend is throwing him under the bus to save herself - not very becoming.

After this issue, the mother will find something else to get involved in and exert her control. Long term, his life is likely to involve feeling like he’s in a controlling relationship with BOTH women, which will be stressful and unhealthy.

I’d also gently point out that healthy relationships in your 20s involve fun and sex. There should be no serious stress factors in your relationship at 20 years old. Fun, enjoyment, consensual sex, respect etc etc. Not control/jealousy/stress.

I’d try and make him see that his life and relationships could be fun, and there is nothing wrong with realising that you are with the wrong person and you’re ultimately not compatible

In his shoes I would explain to his girlfriend that as they are both adults, a discussion of their intimate life (or indeed their belief system) with a third party is wholly inappropriate.

This. He's allowed to have boundaries as well and frankly this sound like control not religion.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Toxic-Laws-Susan-Forward/dp/0060507853

Probably citing IL it not quite appropriate nor is:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Games-People-Play-Psychology-Relationships/dp/0141040270

But might help him see what he is up against.

I'd also suggest he asks some questions about what his GF has said to her Mum - at 20 still at uni she may just be riding her Mum's behavior out but I;d worry she willing to throw him under the bus at slightest pressure from her Mum and that may be ingrained.

Ultimately though he's 20 and you can only advise and ask some pointed questions.

If that was my son I'd be advising him to tell this woman politely that they are adults and it is none of her business.
He will have to deal with difficult people in life and as such may as well start now.

how do you get on with ds best mates? it'd probably be better coming from them, than you

I think you support him as an adult, reinforce the notion that their "intimate" behaviour is their own business and nobody else's and point out that mother interfering at this stage doesn't bode well for the future if they stay together.

I would anticipate that mother wants them to get married and if it was my son, I would be very concerned about that happening when they are so young and at 2 different universities. He needs to be 250% certain that is what he wants if he does.

I almost think you should be there as a silent witness when this rather alarming "chat" takes place.
If it does.

It would never be casual. A little anger isn’t anything to be afraid of, personally. If your DS is going to bin his girlfriend of two years because he’s afraid of having a conversation her mother about the nature of their relationship, then he’s not mature enough to have a serious relationship with anyone.

Jesus wept they are 20 years old!
@AlyssaHasAChaaaaild well done for being calm and reasonable, I think I'd want to go round and headbutt the mother.
Obviously I WOULDN'T because that would be ridiculous ....almost as ridiculous as the mother.

Why does an adult need to discuss the relationship of another adult as a third party?

I'm also very concerned about potential repercussions for DS

I can't help feeling that maybe girlfriend is regretting some of the physical intimacy, for religious reasons maybe and is now deferring to her mum's views to hide behind? Or maybe she is just feeling guilty about what Jesus saw? 🙄

But seriously, it makes me think that if things move forward could he be accused of coercing her and then would girlfriend stand up for him?

Healthy relationships in your 20s can also be marriage and children. There’s more than one type of healthy relationship - casual ones of “fun and sex” are not the only ones.

be there as a silent witness when this rather alarming "chat" takes place
I agree with this if her mother is there, then you should be there op, on what grounds could they possibly refuse 🤷
I would go along and tear this woman a new arsehole, luckily op seems to be better than me in that respect😇

At 20 years old the GF should be making her own choices. If her beliefs aren’t in line with her upbringing and parental beliefs than that’s between her and her mum. She’s clearly told her mum that she’s having some consensual physical contact and has then laid the blame for that squarely at your feet rather than stand up to her. For her mum to be trying to interfere in the relationship of her adult daughter is a massive red flag, and I’d be telling my son to run for the fucking hills. It’s controlling and narcissistic behaviour on the mothers part and not a healthy relationship. I’d feel deeply sorry for the girl but wouldn’t want my child entangled in a mess that is likely to get worse over the years.

Although I'm not in favour of the other mothers stance, I think this sounds sensible. To be honest, I think the 20yo son's attitude sounds the most sensible and mature of the opinions expressed on this thread.

I would tell my son he should not go for this 'sit down chat' and explain to him how controlling this behaviour is from the mother.

He is in a relationship with his girlfriend not her mother. It's upto his girlfriend to manage her mothers expectations and trust in her. Or run for the hills herself away from this controlling environment she's in.

The family should be making an effort to welcome him into the family and demonstrate trust and faith in their relationship, it's been two years not 2 two weeks.

Why does an adult flee from any such conversation with their girlfriend/boyfriends parents? They are hardly a disinterested 3rd party because guess who will be picking up the pieces if the relationship goes to shit- the parents of these 20yr olds.

He's 20!! He's not a baby. He doesn't want his mum following him about, letting other people know what they can and can't say to him. 😂😂

If your DS is going to bin his girlfriend of two years because he’s afraid of having a conversation her mother about the nature of their relationship, then he’s not mature enough to have a serious relationship with anyone.

I met DH at 18 he was 20 - we had lots of future talks making sure we were on the same page long term and now - but what we didn't do was talk to our parents about our relationship - we met them were polite but it was none of their business beyond that.

I think both sets of parenst are shocked we are still together in our 40s because that wasn't their plans for us - my DP thought I'd never meet anyone and never have kids despite me wanting the, - IL wanted just one GC decade later than we had ours - and wanted someone else for DH someone hes never been able to stand - and for us to live down the road waiting on them. Their plans were not ours and it took along time for them to realise and accept that and at 20 they'd have just tried stream rolling us.

I have a son of twenty and if this was happening to him I would definitely be saying something! I’d be telling him to run as this is just the tip of the iceberg. Her mother and her deference to her mother is going to rule him for his entire future with her. Run!!! 🏃‍♂️🏃‍♂️🏃‍♂️🏃‍♂️