To intervene in DS's relationship?

[AlyssaHasAChaaaaild]

DS and his girlfriend are both 20. Met in 6th form and have dated ever since, now both at different Unis and keeping things going long distance.

She is from a strict religious background and made clear at the start there would be no sex before marriage. 2 years in they are being a bit physical but not even close to or considering having sex.

Her mum has got wind of this and is furious, and blames DS for "corrupting" her. There is no question around consent, it's just the religious principle that she can't accept that her daughter would do anything physical before marriage and so he is to blame.

Her mum has said the relationship can only continue if he agrees to go and have a sit down chat with her so she can explain why she is angry with him and set some ground rules. Girlfriend seems to agree this is a reasonable idea, DS is pretty horrified at the prospect but feels if he doesn't agree then the relationship will end.

I'm trying to bite my tongue because I know he adores her and I have seen how happy they are together. But FFS this seems insane to me and I want to tell him to run for the hills. I feel like even if he does this it's only a matter of time before the mum pipes up and interferes about something else.

TBH it's the girlfriend I'm most angry with as I feel like she has thrown him to the wolves and is letting this happen. I think she is a bit scared of her mum but that doesn't excuse her letting DS get painted as the bad guy.

But if I say this to DS am I being interfering too?

Saying "if you loved me then you would do X" is such a massive red flag. Even without the issue of the mum, that alone is enough to suggest your son really would be better off leaving this woman.

Yes, it's good that he respects her right to believe, but he doesn't have to respect her belief.

Personally I just couldn't do it. If my partner told me they believed in the magic sky daddy and baby cheeses. I would find it as ridiculous as if they told me they believed in Santa Claus. How can you respect somebody as a life partner who believes in fairy tales?

It's a bit harsh to call religious belief fairy tales.
While you might not believe in the creator god, plenty people do.

Science has never been able to explain what caused the big bang or how single cell organisms manged to evolve into multi organed species.

Male / female and reproduction to my head is far to complicated for it to have happened by chance.

Being fair to most mainstream religions, they are basically a code of conduct for a civil society.

I think you both sound over involved in 2 adults lives. You both should mind your own business.

Just a wild idea.

How about you suggest he and GF talk to YOU ?

I very much suspect the GF is so repressed she will decline to discuss with you, the nitty grittyof their physical contact.

DS can then say to her "Now you know why I won't discuss my sex life with your Mother. That is the end of it as far as I'm concerned and you must tell her so.".

This is a huge concern to me too.

After all, how many boys have tried the line, if you loved me then you'd agree to have sex?

@Ferferksake DS really thinks religion is nonsense but he and GF have talked about her belief a lot and he is understanding of what it means to her.

The fact that she and her mum never go to church is quite significant. Their belief has always been a very personal thing, a moral code, a source of comfort and inspiration etc that made him think it wouldn't be a big divide between them.

Her religion has never impacted any aspect of her own life or decisions before IYSWIM it's just now regarding sex that it has become an issue. She swears, she laughs at religious and other rude jokes, she is not prudish. She doesn't think Sundays are holy days, she doesn't observe any religious traditions eg Lent. Her life and personality have been entirely free of religious influence. Until now.

I think the real issue is control and not religion and “permissivenesses”.

The mother’s life since she was about 20 has been her only child, but this child is now an adult and could leave the nest at any time, going to University, having an adult relationship, starting work etc. Her daughter goes to Uni (but is unhappy) so rather than encourage her to join societies, make friends and attend social events she encourages her to come back home every weekend so she is missing out on a big slice of Uni life. Daughter has a boyfriend, but it’s getting more serious, so Mama lays down the law and tries to exert her control so she is in charge of the relationship and they need her permission. “My religious belief is paramount”.

Even if your DS and his girlfriend get married, to be able to have sex, then her mother will become the MIL from Hell insisting they live close by (or even in the same house) and still keeping control. Her mother must be about 40ish and she could easily live another 40+ years. Does your DS want to spend most of his adult life under his MIL’s thumb?

This GF is going to wake up in a few decades and wonder why she is single and with no DCs.

I agree. This mother is terrified of losing her daughter and being 'alone'. So she is trying to bring OP's DS firmly under her 'control' to prevent that from happening. She wants to 'gain a son' before she 'loses her daughter'.

Maybe you could insist you his-mother😂 ,attends too!!!!

A Facebook friend of mine who does believe in this stuff just shared a quote and it fits perfectly here:

Christianity is about helping others and controlling yourself. When it becomes about controlling others and helping yourself, it's not Christianity.

The mother has no right to be angry, because nothing happened without consent. It is not for her to dictate what happens, but for her daughter and your son, who are both adults. She is controlling them (or at least trying to). Helping herself? As others have said, I suspect she's helping herself to her daughter's youth and life in her attempts to keep her tied to her apron strings.

He needs to take a very long hard look at her mother, because at the end of the day, that'll be who he's really marrying if that's where it leads. He'll be living under her matriarchy.

The mother isn't actually religious at all, is she? She's just using religion as a structure to keep her daughter (and any boyfriend) under her control, consciously or otherwise.

I can see how it happened, I can see why she's scared. But Jeeze, that's one incredibly unhealthy mother and daughter relationship that he's going to be caught up in for the foreseeable future..

And yes, "f you love me you'll..." is the biggest red flag to exist in a relationship. Your DS really needs to recognise that and be very clear with his GF that it's unacceptable.

How are they getting on @AlyssaHasAChaaaaild