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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To intervene in DS's relationship?

414 replies

AlyssaHasAChaaaaild · 13/06/2023 12:07

DS and his girlfriend are both 20. Met in 6th form and have dated ever since, now both at different Unis and keeping things going long distance.

She is from a strict religious background and made clear at the start there would be no sex before marriage. 2 years in they are being a bit physical but not even close to or considering having sex.

Her mum has got wind of this and is furious, and blames DS for "corrupting" her. There is no question around consent, it's just the religious principle that she can't accept that her daughter would do anything physical before marriage and so he is to blame.

Her mum has said the relationship can only continue if he agrees to go and have a sit down chat with her so she can explain why she is angry with him and set some ground rules. Girlfriend seems to agree this is a reasonable idea, DS is pretty horrified at the prospect but feels if he doesn't agree then the relationship will end.

I'm trying to bite my tongue because I know he adores her and I have seen how happy they are together. But FFS this seems insane to me and I want to tell him to run for the hills. I feel like even if he does this it's only a matter of time before the mum pipes up and interferes about something else.

TBH it's the girlfriend I'm most angry with as I feel like she has thrown him to the wolves and is letting this happen. I think she is a bit scared of her mum but that doesn't excuse her letting DS get painted as the bad guy.

But if I say this to DS am I being interfering too?

OP posts:
Highlyflavouredgravy · 13/06/2023 12:24

Church of England???
But doesn't go to church?

This sounds like an excuse to be controlling

Original poster
AlyssaHasAChaaaaild · 13/06/2023 12:24

"You really shouldn’t be turning different religious beliefs about sex before marriage into something that is abnormal or unreasonable. That’s their religion.

@AP5Diva He isn't questioning the religious beliefs. I'm questioning why her mum needs to be involved.

OP posts:
AP5Diva · 13/06/2023 12:25

AlyssaHasAChaaaaild · 13/06/2023 12:23

I did want to ask if she'd like to come and talk to DH about sex too? Confused

I didn’t get the impression they were going to talk about sex, I think it is more likely to be a what are your intentions concerning my daughter discussion and gauging whether they’d be thinking about marriage.

AP5Diva · 13/06/2023 12:25

AlyssaHasAChaaaaild · 13/06/2023 12:24

"You really shouldn’t be turning different religious beliefs about sex before marriage into something that is abnormal or unreasonable. That’s their religion.

@AP5Diva He isn't questioning the religious beliefs. I'm questioning why her mum needs to be involved.

I didn’t say your DS was? That comment wasn’t directed to you or him.

HowcanIgetoutofthisalive · 13/06/2023 12:26

AlyssaHasAChaaaaild · 13/06/2023 12:15

She actually said to him, If you love me then you'd be happy to listen to what my mum has to say. Which seemed incredibly controlling to me.

And I would be saying to her 'if you loved my son, you would understand and respect boundaries'.

AliceInTheMoon · 13/06/2023 12:26

I would also hope this fizzles out, which the chances are, it could as they've been together since teens.

I would be there for advice and, if asked, I'd urge caution in any sit down session whilst this woman attempts to force her own views on him. I'd strongly advise against any such conversation, frankly it's none of her business if her daughter is consenting to anything.
Red flag city, opening the door to this interference will likely mean the mother continues to have no concept of boundaries in her adult daughter's relationships.

pimplebum · 13/06/2023 12:27

If they were 16 I'd be more on crazy mums side but at 20 - no fucking way

Mum is unwell, do not mix that up with religion

Daughter will be forever affected by mums MH issues, unless daughter distances herself from mum there is no future
Even if they get married there would be drama about the christening or Xmas or something FOREVER!

Thebigblueballoon · 13/06/2023 12:27

AP5Diva · 13/06/2023 12:21

You really shouldn’t be turning different religious beliefs about sex before marriage into something that is abnormal or unreasonable. That’s their religion.

Show quote history

Ah, OK then. But it’s completely fine for her frankly controlling mother to be screeching about all physical contact/sex to be totally abnormal before marriage. And he certainly isn’t at risk of getting a very skewed view of sexual contact at his age, is he.

lysozyme · 13/06/2023 12:27

Ultimately its his choice, but nothing wrong with giving him advice. Being with someone whose mum things she can control her daughters love life seems like a mess.

Original poster
AlyssaHasAChaaaaild · 13/06/2023 12:28

It's specifically meant to be a chat about sex and boundaries and the fact that sex should only happen in marriage. But if it happens earlier then the mum will consider them to be married and DS will be expected to treat her like a wife.

(This is what girlfriend has said)

Girlfriend has mentioned that her mum is angry but we aren't sure what about.

DS and I don't really know what this means seeing as they don't live together, he has 2 years of Uni left and it's just a bit confusing tbh.

OP posts:
AP5Diva · 13/06/2023 12:30

Thebigblueballoon · 13/06/2023 12:27

Ah, OK then. But it’s completely fine for her frankly controlling mother to be screeching about all physical contact/sex to be totally abnormal before marriage. And he certainly isn’t at risk of getting a very skewed view of sexual contact at his age, is he.

Show quote history

I didn’t say that, and that’s quite an imagination you have regarding something that has not happened.

Lindy2 · 13/06/2023 12:33

I'd be encouraging him to cool this relationship. Do you think he is actually happy with how things are?

At 20 he needs to point out that he is an adult and leads an independent life. His girlfriend's mother can not tell him what he can and can't do.

To want to sit him down and lecture him is at best patronising and at worst controlling. Not many 20 year olds want to be treated like a primary school child.

WeightInLine · 13/06/2023 12:34

I would be speaking to my son about adult boundaries.

Does he want to discuss his relationship with this woman? If not, then he doesn’t have to.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 13/06/2023 12:34

If he does agree to go and talk to the mum, he could adopt the broken record technique, and just keep repeating, don't worry, I respect your daughter and her boundaries, and I won't do anything without her full consent.

Phos · 13/06/2023 12:35

I think that your son needs to sit down and make what may be a hard decision. He loves the girl but she is controlled by her family and is trying to control him. The fact they were both consenting to some physical intimacy and he respected her not wanting to have sex before marriage but now her mother is "angry" is a massive red flag. Why on earth does the mother know about their private lives anyway? This is a concern for the future, will she run to mummy about every little detail, it sounds like it. Will their kids be brought up in such a controlling atmosphere with granny's prudishness trumping their own bodily autonomy?

I hope for your son's sake he can find it in himself to end this.

Original poster
AlyssaHasAChaaaaild · 13/06/2023 12:39

He's just so sad because if you take the mum
Out of the equation they are really happy and so compatible. They are so good together.

But now this has come up it it such a big obstacle and I do fear that it won't be the last time mum interferes.

He's seriously considering agreeing to the big talk because he can't believe their relationship could end for no good reason, and if he doesn't agree that is the most likely outcome as DD won't stand up to her mum.

OP posts:
BigShoutyRaven · 13/06/2023 12:39

CofE but they don't actually go to any church... is this actually about religion or about control?

IkeaMeatballGravy · 13/06/2023 12:41

I would also encourage him to to think about what her religion might mean for them if they stay together long term. How it would impact on any children they might have etc...

This!

I would worry that the mother will want your DS to 'make an honest woman' out of her daughter. Tell him not to feel any pressure to do so, it is a massive gamble to marry someone without seeing if you are sexually compatible first. I was raised in a conservative Christian home and friends who married very young in order to have sex have unhealthy marriages.

MintJulia · 13/06/2023 12:42

AlyssaHasAChaaaaild · 13/06/2023 12:24

"You really shouldn’t be turning different religious beliefs about sex before marriage into something that is abnormal or unreasonable. That’s their religion.

@AP5Diva He isn't questioning the religious beliefs. I'm questioning why her mum needs to be involved.

This is the point. The only way the mother could know is if the girl has discussed it with her mother.

The girl now knows her mother has no hesitation in interfering in something that is very personal. How she deals with her mother indicates whether she is mature enough for a grownup independent relationship or not.

ExtraOnions · 13/06/2023 12:42

If they have sex he would be “expected to treat her like a wife” WTF does that even mean ?

If your son wants a life controlled by his partners mother, his partners mothers “religion” (it’s nothing to do with a spiritual belief, it’s about control), with (seemingly) very little attention paid to his needs.. then this is the relationship for him.

Honestly, I would just be encouraging him to do more stuff away from her… sports, hobbies, friends etc. A gradual pull away …

Original poster
AlyssaHasAChaaaaild · 13/06/2023 12:43

Jesus gets mentioned a lot. Girlfriend has in the past passed on some of her mum's comments but previously she didn't seem to really agree and even saw it was a bit over the top.

For example earlier in the relationship her mum reminded her that sex before marriage was a sin and that God was always watching her.

She's also been told that if she makes bad choices even if she can justify them to herself Jesus will hate her.

So yes, religion/control is a bit of a blur here isn't it?

OP posts:
Marths · 13/06/2023 12:43

AP5Diva · 13/06/2023 12:21

You really shouldn’t be turning different religious beliefs about sex before marriage into something that is abnormal or unreasonable. That’s their religion.

Show quote history

Just because it's their religion doesn't make it unreasonable.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/06/2023 12:44

AlyssaHasAChaaaaild · 13/06/2023 12:28

It's specifically meant to be a chat about sex and boundaries and the fact that sex should only happen in marriage. But if it happens earlier then the mum will consider them to be married and DS will be expected to treat her like a wife.

(This is what girlfriend has said)

Girlfriend has mentioned that her mum is angry but we aren't sure what about.

DS and I don't really know what this means seeing as they don't live together, he has 2 years of Uni left and it's just a bit confusing tbh.

Consider them married? That’s strong.

I’d be tempted to ask your tell ds how his gf would respond if he said, yes to his gf, that’s fine. He will go along but will be taking his mother too. If she loves him, she’ll respect this decision.

Original poster
AlyssaHasAChaaaaild · 13/06/2023 12:45

ExtraOnions · 13/06/2023 12:42

If they have sex he would be “expected to treat her like a wife” WTF does that even mean ?

If your son wants a life controlled by his partners mother, his partners mothers “religion” (it’s nothing to do with a spiritual belief, it’s about control), with (seemingly) very little attention paid to his needs.. then this is the relationship for him.

Honestly, I would just be encouraging him to do more stuff away from her… sports, hobbies, friends etc. A gradual pull away …

I'm really encouraging him to do other stuff because at the moment he can't imagine his life without her in it. He used to be in a band and loves music so im encouraging him to revisit that interest.

Treating her like a wife - goodness knows what that means!!!!!!

OP posts:
Simplyfedup · 13/06/2023 12:46

AP5Diva · 13/06/2023 12:14

They’ve been in a relationship for two years and like it or not, it seems to be serious. Your DS was going to meet her mother at some point, so I do not see the issue with him meeting and reassuring the mother that he is serious about her daughter and respects their religion in terms of not pressuring her for sex.

Theres also nothing wrong with this girls mum wanting to meet the boyfriend she’s been seeing for two years and laying down ground rules per their religion if the relationship continues to get more serious and potentially become marriage.

The "girl" is an adult who is old enough to have been married with children by now if she wished.
It's up to her to set "ground rules" according to her religion, and nothing to do with her mother!