Fellow mum never reciprocates with play dates

[Voodoo43]

My dd is friends with a local mother’s kids. She is a nice woman. We have a lot in common & get on. I have invited her & her kids over many times but we never get a reciprocal invite. I have known her nearly 5 years now. I know she has some issue with people coming round. She has said her house is messy. Mine is too & we do not have an impressive lifestyle at all. The lack of reciprocation has got me down so I now tend to just suggest we only meet up outside my home. She is always keen to meet. She likes me. I am too scared to ask her why she doesn’t like people to come round in case it is due to some trauma. She is a very private person. AIBU in finding her lack of reciprocation unfair?

Leave it. If its been all this time she must have a very good reason, rational or otherwise. I wouldnt take it personally.

Some people like to host, others hate it

I've come home from work to ds and 5 mates in my house. Fed them, made them muck in tidying up and ferried them home. They're 12

They're at ours way more than anyone else's (some parents don't invite back at all) but I quite like having them all here and don't mind the noise.

Some of the mams are lone parents, some have other kids etc. Ds is an only and I choose to facilitate him having his mates round

She might mean hoarding level messy?

The other possibility that jumps to mind is DV. Or at least a very difficult home situation.

If you like her, and she seems nice, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt.

This is so lovely. Had a friend whose mother always made us feel so welcome. My mum did the same. It was always rather awkward when someone would have to make up reasons why we weren't allowed to go to their house to play or when older just hang out or for sleepovers. Even when little I remember knowing it was BS.

Why has the lack of reciprocation got you down?

Do you resent the cleaning up, cost of tea and biscuits etc in hosting?

Your kids must nearly be at the age when they don't need a parent on a playdate with a well known friend.
If you resent hosting this mum, you can just move to parent free play dates

Maybe she hates her home, is really self conscious about it. Maybe you've got nice toys and teas.

I'm the one who doesn't reciprocate. I work FT, my husband doesn't help around the house so it's messy, two of my kids have SEN. I'm burnt out and barely coping. But I'm still pleasant to chat with at the school gates, go for a coffee with etc.

I really wouldn't judge other people when you don't know what is going on in their home.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable.
She has been honest with you in that you know she is a private person, feels uncomfortable with guests at her house. As a friend that should be enough to understand there is a reason that you don't get invited.

That being said, I can see why you are annoyed that it hasn't been equal. Nothing wrong with meeting up elsewhere though. If she has issues and always wants to meet it sounds like it's appreciated at least.

Does it really matter? I am friends with a lovely lady and our DDs are friends and I tend to host almost all the play dates because my house is bigger and has a dedicated play room plus a big garden, so it makes sense. I enjoy her company, the girls play well together, so does it really matter if you don't go to her house? Presumably you get on well with her and enjoy spending time with her?

This wouldn't bother me personally, inviting people over is optional. I've often had friends over with their kids but I've never seen their homes. It benefits my son to socialise with other kids and sometimes it's less stressful to have people over than to go out at this age (toddlers). It never really occured to me that they should reciprocate by having me visit their houses.

I’d just meet out in future.

For those saying why does it matter, it’s beneficial for kids to spend time at other peoples houses and to learn that other families do things differently, practice their manners etc. So you can feel your child is missing out if you are always the one to host. It also sends a bad message to our kids about reciprocity and the need for give and take in friendships rather than it being a one way street

Also there is always the worry of what is wrong with me that they never invite me over. So it can be damaging to your self esteem.

Id have less of an issue if she suggested meet ups at the park etc. Otherwise it feels really unbalanced and it’s unsettling. So I completely get where you are coming from.

She’s probably exhausted and overwhelmed and doesn’t want you over. At that age, dd used to get invited over for lots of play dates, but I rarely reciprocated if it involved a parent too. I was busy in the afternoons, overwhelmed, had better things (like my job) to be doing other than tidying the house or entertaining another adult. I just met up with others at the playground. It was fine. Dd had and still has loads of friends and she has lots of play dates now (sans parents).

I think you need to take a view on this basically. Either you care and feel hard done by because you are doing all the hosting, or (and I suspect at this age it's the latter - they are five or older I guess?) you're happy to have both kids because they basically entertain one another at this point, and you can have a coffee in peace before throwing a pizza at them.

With kids that my daughter gets on with and I like, it's basically a standing invitation here.

I would absolutely love to be in a position to reciprocate playdates and it makes me sad that my child's social life is even more affected by the fact we live in shit housing because we can't invite people round so they stop inviting us after a while. We don't even have a sofa. It wouldn't physically fit in the shoebox of our living room.
It really breaks my heart that my child can't have friends over but IDK what to do aside from meeting at other people's houses, the park or soft play.

I think you are unreasonable. If you don’t like her and don’t want her to come then of course don’t invite her. But don’t do it because she’s ‘unfair’ for not inviting you back. There’s a thousand reasons someone may not be able to host. I would continue to invite (I did with some of my kids’ friends) because of the possibility that this is a bad home situation. The only thing worse than being a kid growing up in a chaotic home is being excluded from society because of the chaotic home situation.

But I assume OP's kids haven't just had playdates with one family for 5 years and never gone anywhere else.

If you resent it then definitely meet out. I just don't think that it's worth getting upset about if you enjoy each other's company otherwise and it's just an 'on principle' thing. Plus I would find always meeting out and about to be more hassle so it's also a cutting your nose off to spite your face thing IMO. She is your friend so assume the best of her, not the worst.

I have a friend who has a grim house in a not very nice area of the city and never invites anyone to hers.

I understand why as I would probably feel much the same and she is always welcome to come round here for a playdate. I don't expect her to reciprocate

Play dates aren't reciprocal child care (although it's a fantastic bonus if they are. They are an opportunity for your child to play with their friends. There are a million reasons why she doesn't invite people round. She might be cripplingly anxious. They might have a problematic dog. They might have a relation living with them who might react badly. She might be too tired. She might be ashamed of her house. She might have a night shift working partner who needs to sleep. As I said, I said, a million reasons.

Loads of people hate hosting & just can't be bothered.

My neighbour almost never invites anyone in. Her house is very normal/tidy, she just doesn't like hosting and only does it for people she has known donkeys years who aren't really like guests.

@Rainbowqueeen "For those saying why does it matter, it’s beneficial for kids to spend time at other peoples houses and to learn that other families do things differently, practice their manners etc. So you can feel your child is missing out if you are always the one to host."

Presumably there are other children the OP's child goes to tea with?

Thanks for your help. Our kids are aged 8. She has twins so it is knackering for me to host them as our flat is small and we have no garden. I think she is just exhausted as she is a single mum and works full time. I think she has drawn certain boundaries about what she can deal with. I am skint but in a couple so I guess I do have more support but i also work full time and am knackered but my job is less full on than hers. It’s just odd & I don’t understand it. I could just ask, I suppose, but it would feel like prying and I figure there is some ‘issue’ but I don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable. I think it’s just I’m a hospitable person and I don’t understand why other people aren’t. It’s not a DV issue as there’s no man in the picture.

Btw though op i 100% get your point and it slightly irritates me too, i now don't invite the types who never reciprocate as i want my DC to experience playing on other kids turf as well as hosting their friends at our house, otherwise its all very one sided.

Yes there are other kids she is friends with but these kids are her best friends.

We have this with a couple of my son's friends. Two boys have been round to our house dozens of times yet have never invited my son back. We've heard that one of the boys has never had a friend to his house (so we don't take it personally). I'm quite curious as to why they don't have friends back. I think it's either a messy/dirty house or they simply lack confidence.
I don't mind. My son is incredibly shy and I'll do anything to help him socialise. I'm happy for the boys to come to ours even if we never get a return invite.

It’s not to do with a dog or anyone else living with her or working nights. I do know her pretty well as I’ve spent a lot of time with her. I think it is just she is knackered and doesn’t like hosting.