Fellow mum never reciprocates with play dates

[Voodoo43]

My dd is friends with a local mother’s kids. She is a nice woman. We have a lot in common & get on. I have invited her & her kids over many times but we never get a reciprocal invite. I have known her nearly 5 years now. I know she has some issue with people coming round. She has said her house is messy. Mine is too & we do not have an impressive lifestyle at all. The lack of reciprocation has got me down so I now tend to just suggest we only meet up outside my home. She is always keen to meet. She likes me. I am too scared to ask her why she doesn’t like people to come round in case it is due to some trauma. She is a very private person. AIBU in finding her lack of reciprocation unfair?

Its what YOU do.

I'm not inhospitable, at all. I just host who I want to, when I want to. And I don't want to host small kids and/or their parents who I don't even know.

We don't need a very good reason not to host you, we don't need any reason at all. It's really simple: if you want playdates in your house, have them. If you don't, don't. If you only want them when they are strictly reciprocated, say that in the first place. It's not a given and its weird to expect it to be.

I’m glad you’ve decided to stop. Yes you were a mug for 5 years but look in the bright side, this could have gone on for longer!

Out of interest, what has her reaction been to you no longer having kids over? Have you got the impression she is annoyed or bewildered by it?

Your time is not worth more than anyone else’s.

If you also allow your kids to harass another child’s parent for a play date like this woman does, then stop.

Don't host and only meet up outdoors/at organised activities?

She clearly doesn't want to host for whatever reason and you're clearly getting fed up with hosting.

Organise to meet up outdoors and wait for her to organise the next get together.

Different scenario but I hate hosting-I’d happily pay to take others out but absolutely hate having people over. I am hoing to have to do it this summer but dreading it.

We live in a very naice area but we are definitely at the bottom of the pile financially. We have a tiny thatched cottage, DD’s 2 best friends live in £2m+ very grand country houses, ours is a lowly £500k in comparison.

Of course it is...to me!

As I said, my kids only went on playdates when asked to do so because it suited others. I was clear that there would be very little reciprocation, and why. But you are entirely missing the point!

Good on you for setting a boundary, it's absolutely fair enough that you feel used and aren't willing to keep on being the giver in this situation. It's also up to her how she acts - you can't control her behaviour and she may think you don't have any right to impose your expectations on her. You could have stopped offering invitations years ago. I get why you didn't and you were trying to be nice, but it was a choice you made. She either can't or won't reciprocate. It's like that old saying, don't keep going to the hardware store trying to buy bread.

You're very lucky to have grown up in a casually social household, not everyone does, and you might not understand how something that isn't a massive deal to you could be a massive deal to someone else, and vice versa. I'm sure you have some other baggage from your childhood that someone else would wonder why you don't just get on with x y z and find your behaviour inexplicable to them.

My dd had this - other child came for so many play dates, never invited back.

Dd eventually brought it up - the other mum basically said she felt the house had to be super tidy and she couldn’t be bothered.

The joke is, dd’s house is almost always chaos and carnage, mess everywhere, but she’s always got friends round - adults and children - and evidently nobody cares. I suppose the difference is that dd doesn’t care, either.

Well, it's not how I view things but whatevs.

Clearly, but we're not all martyrs who think we have to do things we don't want or need to because other people expect it.
Stop feeding that notion for others, even if you can't break out of it for yourself....

It would be kind of weird to say to someone straight up initially 'look here, I am only going to have your child over if you have my child over'. Like really rude. I just assumed that there were unspoken social codes. That you don't need to say to people things like that. Obvs not!!

Yeah, but if someone said to you 'right i am only going to have yr kid over if you have my kid over' you would think them v weird and rude right?

Not in the slightest. I'd find them honest and straightforward. It's what I would say if I was interested in playdates at all. It's not hard. Why wouldn't you?

Have to say you sound pretty terrifying. Jesus.

Er...I would find it v v weird. Do you mind me asking - are you English? Because maybe I am very English or something, or overly polite or a martyr as you say or a sap, but I would never say something straight out like this. I would find it so weird and rude.

Yeah probably I do. No doubt I am a complete pain in other ways. But basically I just find this sort of behaviour just really really tiresome and it makes me turn away, towards ppl that are open and friendly and easygoing. I wish my dd would make friends with kids that don't have a mum like this but you can;t chose who yr kids make as friends, you can only mitigate things as best as possible for yourself. And set boundaries. Which I am now doing. Far too late. But the situation crept up on me.

@Voodoo43 "but I do get fed up with people not being socially normal"

With all due respect OP, you are not the boss of the world, and you don't get to decide what is "socially normal" and enforce it on other people.

I, personally, don't think it's normal to make 50+ posts about how you're fed up that you've kept flogging a dead horse for five years and now you're upset that it's still dead 😂

I get that you want a different outcome, but it's very controlling to expect this other woman to do what you want, or to explain herself to you. Focus on your behaviour and how you choose to respond, that is your business.

No reaction that I can discern. She is a total closed book. But she prob knows why i have stopped. she is not stupid. she is just q hard and boundaried i think, with a veneer of pleasantness. i dont dislike her, but equally i will never really like her because she is not giving. I like people who give as I give. I can't be bothered with ppl who don't ultimatley. what is the point. You reap what you sow. Her kids are always hassling to come over. Hassling me when we are out together. And my dd is always hassling me for them to come over. I might allow one of them over at some point but I am not doing 2 any more.

I am going to delete this thread cos i cant be bothered with it any more. And i have got too much on. Thank god we dont know each other IRL

Is Mumsnet always this unpleasant!! Christ in heaven. Am getting off here quick! It's worse than Twitter pretty much.

You're being a bit bossy yourself, missus. Anyway, have a lovely afternoon. Byeeeeee...don't make any more friends now...

She won't want to. If she does then I'll reassess.

OP, ignore the vicious responses, it’s not just your thread, there’s a bunch of nearly every thread.

If she is allowing her kids to harass you for play dates in her presence then she really is a using CF.

Just keep having meet ups outside until she gets the message. And don’t allow her to browbeat you into having both DC. She is very manipulative to moan that both need to come.

What a load of crap.

Thank you. I honestly have been amazed by the unpleasant reaction to what I thought was a v innocuous post really. I was merely musing on the matter. I’d never been on mumsnet before. Cannot believe how weirdly critical ppl are & assuming I’m some sort of awful person. Just weird. I think I will hide this whole thread tho.