Fellow mum never reciprocates with play dates

[Voodoo43]

My dd is friends with a local mother’s kids. She is a nice woman. We have a lot in common & get on. I have invited her & her kids over many times but we never get a reciprocal invite. I have known her nearly 5 years now. I know she has some issue with people coming round. She has said her house is messy. Mine is too & we do not have an impressive lifestyle at all. The lack of reciprocation has got me down so I now tend to just suggest we only meet up outside my home. She is always keen to meet. She likes me. I am too scared to ask her why she doesn’t like people to come round in case it is due to some trauma. She is a very private person. AIBU in finding her lack of reciprocation unfair?

I don't think has to be an exact match but it is unfair if one person puts a lot more effort in than another, whether that is hosting, money, asking questions/listening, time however it works

So yes and can feel unfair if one person is doing all something another isnt

Yeah I take all this on board. My flat is pretty messy but I don’t care. People can take me as they find me when it comes to my flat. I guess I grew up in a sociable home and my parents were always inviting people over so I don’t understand when people don’t want to do that & I’ve not encountered this sort of behaviour before.

of course I can’t impose my daughter on her if she doesn’t want to invite her. It’s just odd, that’s all. It isn’t something I’ve ever encountered before.

I agree it's not the norm but I know lots of people who don't like visitors. I'm one of them. I also know people who want everyone to come to their home. It's maybe like being left handed....not the norm but definitely not rare.

You said you don't understand it, but then have explored it might be down to the fact that she's a single parent with quite full on sounding twins and a full on sounding job. You've also mentioned that she's a private person, who may not have the headspace to host.
So, I can only speak from my experience, but as a single parent to full on (and ND) 5 year old twins, a pretty run down flat in a pretty run down area, my home be shabby, but it's my safe space that I can retreat to from the world. The only place.
I don't host play dates ever. Never have and never will. I also don't regularly share exactly why I don't 'do' them. But, it's my personal boundary across the board and, actually, it's perfectly fine that I don't feel the need to explain this to anyone.
Good on your friend for maintaining her own boundaries.

I feel like my house is a total shit hole compared to other peoples so I'm embarrassed to have people over

Sadly though her attitude will have an effect on her DC because people DO expect some reciprocity! As you say, it's tiring and also can financially affect you being the one hosting all the time.

You could try asking in advance if she could have your DD over for the day as you and your DH are going somewhere. See what happens? If it's because the house is a mess that will give her time to sort it. If she says a straight out no then sadly I would have to rethink it, myself.

And I say that as someone who struggles with getting my crap sorted but would always have a tidying blitz to enable DC's friends to come over.

My friend is a hoarder, on level with those you see on tv. Her children are never allowed anyone back and now are aware after being at other childrens houses, that their house is different. It's really sad. Your friend could be similar, or living in bad conditions?

@OrderOfTheKookaburra "Sadly though her attitude will have an effect on her DC because people DO expect some reciprocity! "

Only not very nice people with no imaginations, though.

This.

I "hosted" (which in normal people's lives means "Can X come and play" "yeah" X and Y play. I throw a biscuit round the door every so often) more than dd's best friend looking back. When DD went to her friend's it was full on organised FUN! Mother had done a deep clean, bought craft supplies and baked.

Nice if you have time or inclination. I have neither.

Another friend spent every single afternoon of every school holiday at mine. Including having her tea most nights. Win-win. DD was happy with the company. I didn't have to think about glittery shit and going into full on hi-de-hi yellowcoat mode.

Of course you are being unreasonable - she isn't obligated to host you. If you like to host, good for you. If you don't, don't.

I like to be able to leave playdates when I've had enough, which is much easier to do at someone else's house or a park than if you've got people in your space that you have to ask to leave.

All these people suggesting reasons (DV, hoarding etc) are probably the same people who would tell this woman "no is a complete sentence - don't explain why you don't want them over"

(I think when this stuff used to be called "going round to your friends to play" it caused a lot less stress and antagonism. Now it's a "playdate" and "hosted" it brings out the zillas on both sides)

Oh god I’m that parent. House is a mess I’m afraid. Older kids / adults leave mess. Kitchen clean for eating but messy. Sitting room tidy, study awful dumping ground. Dining room, more stuff dumped, as garage full. Upstairs, bedrooms messy .
Could never invite people, as hardly ever get it sorted. Need a thousand trips to the tip, but then they damn want to go through and recycle aggghh.

Maybe we are accidental hoarders, and it’s hard to get rid of all our accumulated stuff now

I did try asking once and she said no because the house was a mess. It will have an effect on her kids. And it is tiring for me. I do understand that she has boundaries as per what other people are saying & I empathize that she’s a single mum and knackered but when people are so unwilling to share hospitality it is wearing on the other person and you end up withdrawing and turning away towards people who are hospitable. I’m not expecting her to be hospitable to me but to my daughter but yeah I’ve given up expecting and will just accept she is as she is.

yeah I agree. Kids don’t care about mess. I don’t really do any hosting anyway. I just sit and read and let the kids get on with it and occasionally throw snacks their way. I don’t tidy up beforehand. Play date is an American concept I think.

Kids don’t care about mess. Im not expecting to get invited over & even if I was I’d be relieved if her flat was as disorganized and messy as mine.

I’m not expecting to be hosted myself. Just a bit of back and forth letting each others’ kids come round. But it’s not going to happen. I’m afraid it does just come across as weird to me.

When I host I just let the kids get on with it. I don’t do any actual hosting. But my flat does get trashed. Which is tiring for me.

I never invite adults to my house these days. it’s tiny, messy and falling to bits, it’s embarrassing when everyone else lives in a instagram worthy home these days.

And people will say ‘normal houses are messy’ etc - yes, a nice house that’s a bit messy /cluttered is fine but when you live in a pokey council house with falling to bits kitchen, bathroom and doors that’s also prone to being a bit messy it’s completely different.

my kids also share a bedroom which makes having friends over difficult for them. In the summer they often have friends over to play and they mostly play outside, I always offer to drop kids back home after to avoid the parents coming to my house.

No, just people with a normal level of back and forth. It’s tiring to always be the one who has their flat trashed by rampaging kids.

Fair enough. Our flat is tiny and we all share a bedroom but I don’t care, it is what it is.

My flat is no way instagramable btw! It’s rented and pretty battered.

I am now wondering this. She owns her flat though & earns decent money & she’s well turned out/groomed, as are her kids. Her nanny is allowed in just no one else. But yeah I think maybe it is messy in a way that she’s embarrassed about.

You said she's a very private person and there will be a reason for that. You might never get to the bottom of it. I'm sure she really values you as a friend though if she's got something going on in the background and you are not prying too much.
I'd just let it go. Time passes so quickly, it'll all change again in a few years time when they're all teenagers

DCs had friends who's mums did not work, they had all day to plan play dates, clean their house, make cupcakes etc ready for after school. I always felt stressed, rushed from work and inadequate when ever I hosted.

Yeah I have asked and it was a flat no. And I asked another time. Again a fiat no. Because house was messy. I realised she had an issue. I withdrew a bit but my kid adores her kids so I can’t deny her playing with them.