Fellow mum never reciprocates with play dates

[Voodoo43]

My dd is friends with a local mother’s kids. She is a nice woman. We have a lot in common & get on. I have invited her & her kids over many times but we never get a reciprocal invite. I have known her nearly 5 years now. I know she has some issue with people coming round. She has said her house is messy. Mine is too & we do not have an impressive lifestyle at all. The lack of reciprocation has got me down so I now tend to just suggest we only meet up outside my home. She is always keen to meet. She likes me. I am too scared to ask her why she doesn’t like people to come round in case it is due to some trauma. She is a very private person. AIBU in finding her lack of reciprocation unfair?

Thank you. Yeah I feel some people just don’t get it. Like I have done a lot of hosting of her kids - 8 year old twins - without her in my v small flat and there has been little reciprocation & I am knackered. And no explanation from her except her flat is messy. I work, I do not have a nanny, I do not have much money. My job is badly paid. She has a good job. She is a single mum. I do have a partner but he works all weekend thus I host the kids alone. I don’t always want to meet up outside. She does sometimes take them all to the park without me and she has taken my daughter on one trip out with her kids. I find it weird that so many people think I am the bad person in this situation. The other mother is not a bad person but I do not understand why she is so odd about having anyone else back & I can only assume it is some sort of neurosis and/or extreme boundary setting. I do not keep a tally, but after 5 years I am tired of it even though I do find her nice to chat to. She is not a close friend, prob because she won’t let me in, so to speak. Emotionally or literally. And no she is not neuro diverse. And nor are her kids. She does not have a violent partner or someone else living in her flat that is problematic.

For those of you who don’t like to have children in your homes on play dates, what do you intend to do when your children are older eg early teens and want to have friends over? Will they be allowed to do so?

Sorry about my wording; yes, I meant the other mum’s nanny

I don’t have a nanny! The other mum has an occasional nanny. Two afternoons a week.

I think 3 play dates is max I’d do at our house without a return invite. I like hosting, but I don’t want to be the only one arranging and then tidying up after.

Having said that, one of the mums we know is in an very unpleasant marriage. She can only have other children over when her husband is away. Otherwise she takes it in turn to ask if we want to meet them at the park and then she usually brings biscuits or muffins she’s made for everyone. That I don’t mind, as I know the situation and she makes an effort too to keep up the friendship.

Yep. The mum is not in that situation. I have done a lot more than 3 play dates. I’ve not been given a good explanation of why my daughter is not allowed at hers except a vague excuse about messiness. I have known the mum for 5 years now. I feel like a mug for allowing it to carry on so Iong

i let her kids come round as my daughter likes them. They are twins. They are quite wild. My flat is small. I have said could she just drop off one but that was too upsetting for the other twin. They take ages to go home. Like an hour or so. I can’t take it any more so I don’t let them come round any more. My daughter hassles me endlessly for them to come round. We do meet up outside pretty much every weekend. I do not always want to have to spend my time sitting in a park. Sometimes it would be nice if this other mother could invite my daughter over. She earns decent money, her flat is not rented like mine. I get that she has boundaries and is knackered and can’t be bothered and has some neurosis about visitors but it seems unreasonable to me and I wish my daughter was not so fixated on her kids.

No we both live in small flats. Hers is owned, mine is rented. She earns more money than me. I do not have an impressive lifestyle by any means.

Yeah, take all your points but sometimes when people maintain their boundaries so very firmly it can come across as basically somewhat uptight/ungenerous/tiresome/neurotic

@Voodoo43 Perhaps so. I can definitely see how it might come across and, in my case, I'm definitely neurotic and have debilitating anxiety.

My twins and I have sensory processing differences, so we all find it hard to cope if there is more than just us and the cats.

I think I read above that the Mum had once said to you that both her twins need to be invited and I did think that was really unfair pressure on you. And, if her two are pretty much trashing your flat anytime they are over, that must really wear thin. I think you've done well to cope as you have.

I think, with us, we tend to see people out and about, as we are all pretty hyperactive (although I've got impaired mobility and some other health stuff), so we're just known for seeing people around parks and events etc. I definitely see that other parents most likely see me as odd, but we've got a circle who accept (tolerate?!) my eccentricities.

Children don't care if their friends houses are small or untidythey don't judge they.just want to play with their friends.
Parents should make an effort for their children . It's what you do when you have kids, you have their friends over.

@Voodoo43 You seem very focused on this other person's behaviour and trying to figure out their feelings behind it, like you're trying to prove they are wrong, but what stands out to me is that you've made over 40 posts without talking about your own feelings. This has obviously gotten under your skin but why? How does it make you feel?

This mum is not ND nor her kids. And she’s never explained why her flat is out of bounds and I’m too scared to ask as it’s clear it’s an issue she doesn’t want to talk about. If it was a genuine medical issue I would be understanding as I am not an unkind person & I have had MH issues myself.

I honestly think the point her is not lack of reciprocity. It's the behaviour of the twins. No way should you let any child, your own or someone
else's trash your flat. I am a firm believer in "your house, your rules" for visiting children.

Yep. I don’t think I had quite articulated to myself the problem until now. It’s because there’s two of them and they are not well behaved. And they come as a pair. I can cope with the girl, she is more well behaved but the boy doesn’t listen to me when I ask him to stop doing stuff. And when the mum comes to pick them up it can take about 45 minutes for her to get them to leave. It is really wearing.

As I get older I have realised that we can’t control how other people behave. If she doesn’t want to do it, she won’t do it. You can’t change that. The only thing you can change is what you do. If you find it too exhausting having her kids over so much then don’t do it.

I genuinely think she probably just can’t find the emotional or physical energy to consider hosting other children - you’ve said she has a well paid corporate job, is a single mum and has twins. I think that says it all.

She won’t say no to play dates because they make her life easier.

I don't tend to reciprocate playdates. I have three kids and one of them has something on every evening of the week except Fridays - and by then I'm knackered and don't want to host.

DH also works from home three days a week and doesn't clock off until 6pm, so it's difficult to have friends back on those days because I have to manage noise and it's stressful. Our house isn't very big so wherever we are, DH gets interrupted.

When they're teenagers and don't need close supervision/won't fight over toys/won't scream when they get over excited/can get their own drinks and snacks; then I'll be more than happy to have a houseful.

If she's a knackered single parent to 8 year old twins I'd put money on her being ashamed of the house. I hated having people in as however hard you try there is never enough time to clean properly, never enough cash to replace shabby only broken, seeing nice homes only makes your's seem worse.

I had an open door policy for my son's mates once parents didn't need to join them and now my lad is 18 I have a constant stream of his mates checking on me.

Yeah. It's just v tiring for me. But yes.

She's got money, more than me. But I think she has uptight standards. Like I honestly don't give a F. But that's me. My house looks like sh*t & is chaotic.

Yeah, that's what I have decided. So I haven't. I just can't deal with them. My dc whinges all the time as she loves them, but I have now set my boundaries. If there was just 1, if they just went home on time, if they didn't create havoc, then fine, but it is not like that. I have been v laidback for a long time but I have reached my limit.

@Voodoo43 I reckon if shit tip and chaotic became acceptable the world would be a much nicer place. Set your boundaries

Like a mug. A sap. Irritated. Frustrated. I am amazed at how so many people on this thread think it is fine to be so inhospitable. I had no idea. I've never met inhopsitable ppl before this woman. My parents were hospitable. My extended family. My other friends. I just thought it was 'what you do'. I get it if there is some v good MH reason or other serious reason, like some of the reasons mentioned, but, as far as I can tell, there is no good reason apart from her being knackered. But I am knackered. I am totally knackered. I work & have zero money & a rubbish house. Also, if you are a hoarder, then get some help. Sort yourself out. If you are really messy, then just clear up. This woman has enough money to get a cleaner in. I dunno. I think a lot of people are weirdly soft on themselves about this. But I am quite a casually social person. And I grew up in a casually social household. We just had ppl round and did not make a massive deal out of it. And when kids come round I don't make a massive deal. They do their thing, I read the paper or whatever, and then they go. I am certainly not there like a children's entertainer. Anyway, I better get on with some work.

Teens are different. They don't need any minding and in my experience are not messy, noisy or rude. I can throw nachos and salsa or pizza at them and they are happy.

It's a whole different world from playdates.

Thank you! Yeah, I am always competley happy if I go round to someone's house and it is even more chaotic than mine. Makes me feel better about myself! Unless i am making a real effort or it is a real special event i do not bother to tidy up before ppl come round.