Fellow mum never reciprocates with play dates

[Voodoo43]

My dd is friends with a local mother’s kids. She is a nice woman. We have a lot in common & get on. I have invited her & her kids over many times but we never get a reciprocal invite. I have known her nearly 5 years now. I know she has some issue with people coming round. She has said her house is messy. Mine is too & we do not have an impressive lifestyle at all. The lack of reciprocation has got me down so I now tend to just suggest we only meet up outside my home. She is always keen to meet. She likes me. I am too scared to ask her why she doesn’t like people to come round in case it is due to some trauma. She is a very private person. AIBU in finding her lack of reciprocation unfair?

Honestly I believe it’s quid pro quo for hosting. It’s like a social contract - you are hosting her two, and taking on the load for the few hours, and it’s not really fair for her to not attempt some sort of reciprocating.

I don't think you need to ask her. You know she isn't inviting you over so either continue to invite her anyway or suggest meeting elsewhere.

Just accept she doesn't want to invite you.

my kid is an only child and v sociable so I do want to facilitate her social life especially as she loves this woman’s kids. They are her best friends.

Full time working, single mum of twins. I think that’s probably your answer there OP. She probably really doesn’t have the time or headspace.

Looking at it another way, the play dates you host are probably a bit of an oasis to her if she feels like she’s drowning at home (and also possibly lonely for adult company). You are being a good friend to her as well as enabling your children’s friendships to flourish.

The lack of reciprocation has got me down because I get knackered from hosting & her kids are quite wild & I do feel as another person said that it is a quid pro quo situation, that it’s breaking an unspoken social contract. I’ve had to withdraw a bit at times because I have felt resentful. I am coming to accept the situation though. But I just find it odd and inexplicable.

I would be totally happy not to be invited myself, it’s more that my daughter doesn’t get invited over there & I don’t see why I should always be the host to her two kids. I have moved to just meeting up outside the house but my daughter and her kids are always hassling me for them to come round. I think I do just have to accept it though. I think it is that she doesn’t have the headspace and is just more private about her flat than I am. I don’t really care if my flat looks a mess. But it does get me down when my flat is made even more messy by her kids.

I only have one mum friend where I live but I'm sure she wonders this too. Our daughters are good friends.

In my case I don't reciprocate because because my DS has severe autism and his needs would completely dominate the play date. He's very loud, boisterous and very territorial of "his" things. His meltdowns can be upsetting and would be hovering around them the entire time trying to prevent one. It wouldn't be fun for anybody.

DD's play dates with her friend at the park and at her friends house / the hobbies they do together is the only time she gets to just be her iykwim? She misses out on alot, being the Sibling of a significantly disabled child and really benefits from the odd day out without DS.

I've also got some very unpleasant neighbours who object to any and all children's noise, so there's also that.

That has crossed my mind.

Fair enough. I think I’m just used to reciprocal hosting with other friends.

I’ve been that mum and I’m still that mum. We live in a tiny, cramped house with too much stuff and we are bursting at the seams. Not due to hoarding, just that the house is so small. My son and daughter have to share a room. It really embarrasses me as I can’t help but view my home over critically, especially as many of my children’s friends are pretty affluent

But it's not her sole responsibility to do this for you. She's not obligated to have you over and you're not obligated either.

It’s more that she doesn’t invite my daughter over. I don’t necessarily want to be invited over. Sometimes I just want a break and for her to host my kid as I’ve hosted hers a lot.

I would reciprocate too and I'm happy to host but she hasn't and you need to let it go tbh. She doesn't need to have your daughter over and you need to stop if it's bothering you. You can't undo what you have done before.

She doesn’t want to though. I understand that you want her to, but she either doesn’t want to or feels she can’t host at her home. If you can’t tolerate that, you can decide to keep meeting up outside the home so your child can see her friends. Or not meet them at all. But for whatever reason she can’t take your child to give you a break.

Fair enough. We’re in a small cramped flat. She’s prob in a small cramped flat too. She actually has a better job than me so it’s not like I’m richer and have a much more fancy lifestyle at all. My lifestyle is very modest. But I think it is just she doesn’t have the headspace.

If you value her friendship, I’d drop it.

I really, really get your point. It is important to remember we all have our soft spots.

I grew up in a really unclean, messy and disorganised home. I was embarrassed to have friends over. As an adult I cannot afford to make my home perfect and I have extreme stress over people being in my home despite it being clean and tidy (yet not perfectly decorated and needs new furnishings) it’s hard to break down that wall. We all have our sticky points. For many different reasons

Yeah I have come to that conclusion. It is annoying though from my point of view! Like I do wish my daughter could be best friends with a mum who is more reciprocal but you can’t choose who your kids make friends with and I guess I have to just be glad she has got a pair of best friends that she really loves.

I'm not sure it's unfair. It would be extremely unfair for you to insist someone who doesnt want to host invites you round. If you don't like to host then dont, but don't impose your choices on others.
If you say you'll only host if she does, she'll say fine, let's meet outside.

Let it go, she has her reasons and I can guarantee it is not her just trying to be awkward. There will be a legitimate reason, almost like this unspoken thing between you. She knows that you are aware she doesn't invite. Believe me.

I struggle to keep on top of the house - we are four naturally messy people and everyone just dumps stuff everywhere - and as a result I don't like having people over. Most of my friend's houses are immaculate and newly renovated. Ours is tired and cluttered (unless I spend days tidying and cleaning). Ironically I feel like clearing up is all I bloody do!

I think there is a socially contract that invitations should generally be reciprocated, but as examples in this thread have shown, there are plenty of understandable reasons why people may not feel able to meet that expectation.

I’d find it irritating if there were zero reciprocity though. Eg she doesn’t invite to her house but would take all the kids to the park, or offers to walk yours home from school occasionally, that kind of thing. Friendships do need some balance.

I don't reciprocate because I have a small home and 2 silly bouncy dogs. Could be something like that.

Yeah, I think you’re right. She’s not stupid. She’ll be aware that I’m aware. It is this unspoken thing between us now & it’s gone on so long that it makes it even harder to ask why. There is obviously a legitimate reason. I will let it go.

of course I can’t impose my daughter on her if she doesn’t want to invite her. It’s just odd, that’s all. It isn’t something I’ve ever encountered before.

There is some reciprocity. She has sometimes taken my daughter out alone with her kids & I’ve appreciated that.