Fellow mum never reciprocates with play dates

[Voodoo43]

My dd is friends with a local mother’s kids. She is a nice woman. We have a lot in common & get on. I have invited her & her kids over many times but we never get a reciprocal invite. I have known her nearly 5 years now. I know she has some issue with people coming round. She has said her house is messy. Mine is too & we do not have an impressive lifestyle at all. The lack of reciprocation has got me down so I now tend to just suggest we only meet up outside my home. She is always keen to meet. She likes me. I am too scared to ask her why she doesn’t like people to come round in case it is due to some trauma. She is a very private person. AIBU in finding her lack of reciprocation unfair?

Yeah you’re right. I have come to this conclusion. I don’t want to pry & you’re right that soon they will be teenagers. I don’t think I will ever get to the bottom of it.

My perspective - I don’t quite understand the constant need to socialise out of school. It’s nice sometimes, but not as a regular thing.

When my daughter was younger she was frequently invited to another friends home. The mum worked part time and was always home for school pick up. I work full time and was not back in time for school pick up - we had a childminder.

I know she was resentful that I didn’t reciprocate because she moaned about it to other mums - I’m not saying I didn’t ever, we had her child over plenty of times over the years, but I couldn’t do it regularly and tbh, I found the constant offers to have DD round to play quite intense. It was constant - something every week. And always mentioned in front of DD and she of course always wanted to go.

That’s just not for me. When I come home from work I don’t want to be hosting other peoples children. Maybe I should have said no to DD going round to hers more often but I felt quite pressured and DD of course was desperate to go. Had the mum not suggested a play date it wouldn’t have happened as regularly and I was fine with that. They saw each other in school every day and at clubs anyway.

I always did the "hosting"- although that does seem a bizarre word for cooking an extra handful of pasta. I had no anxiety or other MH issues, I was a SAHM, I had plenty of outdoor space, a super child friendly dog, children who loved to have other children in their space, a partner who enjoyed having people round. Why would I mind? Emergency child care is an entirely different matter, and there were parents I knew I could ring if I needed to. Having play dates is not building up credit for free childcare. It's letting your child have a nice time with a friend. And not having to entertain them yourself after school!

Her choice, if it is just messy then fair enough. I'd only be concerned if it is a result of coercive control from a DH/DP or to hide something illegal such as drugs.

I have crippling ocd and I can't have people here. Our besties we've been to hundreds of times over 5 years and they've been here twice. I explained when I first met her and she said she really doesn't mind hosting, but sometimes we meet out and I'll buy or bring take away coffees and snacks so that's me kinda reciprocating the tea and biscuits if that makes sense.
If you like her and she's a good friend please just accept the fact you don't go to hers. If you find it too much hosting then meet out.
She's probably extremely grateful for a friend like you xx

DD leaves school this week. She has a friend who we've known since nursery. She has come here, stayed over, been on expensive days out, never missed one of DD's events, etc. that we always paid for. DD has never once been invited there. She is DD friend and that's why we invite her.
The friend comes from a large complicated family with several step and half siblings. They don't have a lot of money. I realised ten years ago it wouldn't be a reciprocal arrangement, like with other friends. If I'd stopped it, the only ones losing out would have been this child and mine. She's a great kid and it's not her fault.

Also, although I've never really thought about it I always host my friends and family. I have the home and large garden set up to do so and I'm ill so far more comfortable here.
Yesterday a close friend (who lives 25 miles away) was here all afternoon in the garden. Her daughter and two grandchildren came later on. It was lovely to see them. A neighbour (of 10+ years) popped round to see how I am and I invited her to stay for coffee and cake. We had a really enjoyable afternoon, yet I'll probably never go to their homes. This is my social life. Not everyone's life looks the same.

The way i see it, playdates benefit my kid(and now that they're older me as well). So that's why I do it. It keeps DD happy ,entertained and she has a great social life. From about 8 the kids have been doing their own thing so i can get on with housework,watch a tv series, even doe some online training etc. Occasionally I throw snacks at them or the old timers know where they are and can help themselves/DD sorts them out.

That is what I get from "hosting " so in my eyes it's definitely worth it just for that. Invites back are just a bonus, and DD does have some friends that never invite her but because of the way I framed it in my mind it never bothers me.

I stand by there being an expectation for a level of reciprocity. It doesn't need to be equal, it doesn't need to be identical, but it does need to be something. Because otherwise if there's never anything in it for me, it won't continue.

My DC seeing their friend, yep, worthwhile. But if they have a number of friends and this one isn't a bestie then I doubt I would prioritise, but I wouldn't stop it.

Me spending time with a friend, again, there is something in it for me, spending time with someone I like.

Them picking up my DC from school and spending an hour playing at the park, brilliant.

Them including my Dc by taking them out on excursions, even if just a picnic at the park, again, it's some form of reciprocity.

Even then just buying me a cup of tea when we collect our DC from an activity as a thank you goes a hell of a long way!

If they have an issue then I would hope they could share it with me so that I could be understanding, but if they don't share how do I know if there is an issue or whether they just can't be arsed?

My life is hard enough that I don't have the bandwidth to carry the responsibility for others.

@OrderOfTheKookaburra "Because otherwise if there's never anything in it for me, it won't continue."

Fair enough. I would find keeping a tally chart exhausting, personally. All those complicated calculations. And I don't want my child growing up thinking that you only do things for your own benefit.

She is a CF to keep expecting you to host her.

Now is perfect weather to keep all meet ups outside.

If she asks again asking for her dd come to yours, just say the house is messy but dd would love to go out with her dd.

The other thing is, my kids always loved being invited to other kids’ houses to play with their toys.

My DD, now 16, had one particular friend from nursery to end of primary school, who lives less than 1km from our house; I probably had her over 50 times over the ten years including a couple of sleepovers, and my DD never once saw the inside of her friend’s house. I’ll never know why and I have no problem saying I think it was poor form on the parents’ part to not participate in the exchange of hospitality, even occasionally.

It’s also modelling good friendship behaviour to the children, though. Relationships have to have give and take, and children can learn about fairness this way.

@SarahDippity "I’ll never know why and I have no problem saying I think it was poor form on the parents’ part to not participate in the exchange of hospitality, even occasionally."

Have the posts on this thread not given you even a hint of a clue of why it might have been?

I’m another who doesn’t tend to reciprocate on a regular basis. I’m a single mum, 4 kids, two with SEN, chaotic home. Often messy.

I will reciprocate if I can get childcare for the others while one of my children has their friend round. Or i will take them both out somewhere fun, especially if I haven’t had chance to tidy up. But I don’t really like having extra kids round when I have all of mine at home.

I’d also add (I’m surprised no one else has said it, unless I missed something) - there are two of them! I’m a parent of twins, I absolutely don’t assume that my two are equivalent to anyone else’s singleton in terms of hosting. Makes it even less fair imo.

DS had a friend at primary school whose mum rarely reciprocated. In that case, I understood the reasons why (single mum, other children to see to, worked full time and more) but the reasons why didn’t really matter to me. My DS got a lot out of his friendship with the other child, and actually having the child here made my life easier as I never saw them, they played so well together and had a great time. He’d often sleep over here and they’d both go off to school together the next day. It was no bother at all. I’d often be the one who dropped off and collected her DS from class parties, as we’d be passing their house anyway. It was quite one sided. But as time went on, she did reciprocate - when she had annual leave over the summer, DS would go over for the day, or she would take DS out with them for the day.

And I think that is the difference - she found ways to reciprocate when it did become easier for her. I didn’t know that this is how it would work out though when I was having her DS round, taking and fetching etc. I didn’t know that a time would come when it would be more reciprocated. But I’d already decided that the benefit my own DS was getting far outweighed the impact that doing this had on me. I do have space though, and a garden, which is probably why the impact was minimal.

I really hate people coming to my house. It is a large house and we have a large garden, but it needs alot of maintenance and DH does that himself for a range of reasons, including financial. So it is shabby and rundown. I am embarrassed to have people around as what amazed me is how rude people can be about it. When my older DS turned 3 we had a party for him and I came inside to see that some of the other parents had actually gone upstairs for a nosey and as they were coming down the stairs were busily commenting negatively on it. There have been a few incidences like that and so now my default is that no-one comes here. I'd probably not have my kids go over to other palces all the time- I would suggest meeting in the park though.

YABVU. I don’t have people round because I don’t want them in my house. I will take up the offer from other people because I assume they would only offer if they were happy to.

If you’re not happy to, then don’t.

You don’t need to “get to the bottom of it”. It’s really none of your business.

I stand by there being an expectation for a level of reciprocity. It doesn't need to be equal, it doesn't need to be identical, but it does need to be something. Because otherwise if there's never anything in it for me, it won't continue

When mine were younger, one mother asked one of my sons for playdates all the time. Her son was an only child, she used to tell me how bored he got and how she needed the playdates. I had 5 children, I did not need any more in my house, and playdates were not on my radar.
I used to send my son to her house, for her. It didn't suit me, it added more work for me due to pick ups etc, but I thought well the kids like it and she wants someone to entertain her kid, its fine.

Then I found out after ages that she was slagging me off to all and sundry because I was not reciprocating the playdates....that I never really wanted anyway! I had no clue that she was expecting me to, apparently she was saying how unfair it was and how I was taking advantage of her. She wanted me to have her son so she would get a break......

Playdates ended.

Im this mum I don't reciprocate as I've got really bad anxiety and 2 dogs that bark constantly at anything . We did let dd have 3 friends over to sleep for her birthday last year I spent a week gutting my house even re decorated parts 🤦🏻‍♀️ made sure it was spotless and put the dogs away from everyone . Spent the whole
Time they were here anxious and on the verge of tears and then they trashed the downstairs of my house in the mean time . Snacks were stamped into the carpet and someone through donuts at the wall so I made it clear it was never happening again .
I think it stems from
The fact that my kids seemed to have made friends with the posh well off kids with lovely massive houses and we live in a council house 🤦🏻‍♀️ it's a nice council house but they probably still think it's scruffy

It’s no big deal if she’s nice. But maybe once in a while go to the park or something like that so you aren’t hosting all the timeZ

I would be really pissed off if her kids were trashing my home. I would give them a final warning on that - if they did it again they could clear up the mess and I'd only see them in the park after that.

I would personally leave it, as many have said some people like to host others don’t.

in 7 years of primary I’ve been to one of my DDs friends houses once, it wasn’t even a play date I think I was invited in after dropping her dd off. This mum always criticises dirty houses, goes on and on about how obsessive and clean she is, I know she have plenty of money, even her house in a very expensive area worth a fortune was free (inheritance). After visiting I’m glad I was never invited round, the furniture was older than me (almost 50), the carpets threadbare, and it definitely wasn’t clean, tidy maybe because there was nothing in it to show she had 4 children other than an old trampoline in the garden. Not even a cup of tea offered.

Id had similar at a play date years ago, the house was absolutely filthy, the mom kept saying it was ok for dd to go in the play room, but the floors looked like they hadn’t been hoovered or mopped in months and all the toys was covered in food, dd was just crawling at the time. I couldn’t get out fast enough.

Im certainly not a clean or neat freak, in fact my house is messy 99% of the time but it’s fairly clean, the basics are done, clean bench tops, clean floors, wipe sticky toys… it’s what I’ve been told is lived in, kids toys everywhere, washing baskets with piles of clothes waiting to be put away…

I’ve also been on play date where not even a cup of teas been offered or if my DDs say they are thirsty it seems like a chore to give them a cup of water, let alone give any kid of food or snacks. I’ve brought cakes & biscuits only for them to be put away 🤔

I now prefer to host 99% of the time. It’s very obvious when I’m not in the mood to host as I will suggest the park. And it’s usually with the parents who take the piss and turn a play date into 10 hours with me feeding their kids lunch and dinner on top of the abundance of snacks and teas and coffees I make.