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Original poster

To feel weird about meeting BIL’s new girlfriend

345 replies

vibecheck · 11/06/2023 00:45

I want to preface this with I know that I’m being unreasonable, but I just need to rant and hopefully get some advice from some women who’ve been through similar…

My BIL (husband’s brother) left his wife and twin girls 6 months ago, for another woman. It was a classic situation of he said there wasn’t another woman, and some people in the family (cough - MIL - cough) believe there wasn’t another woman, but he immediately started seeing a woman who he worked with and now they live together.

I know my BIL’s ex-wife more as a friend than anything else. She was bridesmaid at my wedding, we are very close. At the time of the split she told me a lot of things as a friend that have coloured my view of BIL and of his new girlfriend. It’s been hard to navigate being her friend and DH’s wife/member of his family during this time because of the complications of the split and crossover of women.

Anyway - we’re meeting BIL and his new girlfriend this week. I’ve been civil with BIL since the split despite my private feelings because he’s DH’s family, but I am dreading this meeting. I will be polite because I always am, but I just hate the idea of sitting having dinner with someone I know was the other woman and caused someone I love so much hurt (not to mention the disruption to my gorgeous nieces!) . I know I have to do it for DH and I will do it, it’s just going to be a difficult evening where I’ll be keeping my gob shut!

Anyone had to do similar and have any advice?

OP posts:
stayathomegardener · 11/06/2023 00:56

I personally couldn't sit there and make chit chat so hats off to you if you can.

Would it be worth suggesting a first meeting with less intense contact?
Family BBQ at MIL's say.

Uggggh I don't envy your position.

LifeIsPainHighness · 11/06/2023 00:59

I went through this OP and I can’t say I was welcoming the new addition with open arms. I was actually very off with them. And it was selfish of my family member to expect me to.

However 10 years on and the new addition is married with DC to my family member and it’s all forgotten - life goes on and people move on. So just remember the perspective and grit your teeth through it.

Original poster
vibecheck · 11/06/2023 01:01

@stayathomegardener honestly I’ve only posted on here because DH and I are fresh off the back of a row about it, I have warned him I won’t be able to hold back for any longer than it takes for us to get into the car.

A BBQ at MIL’s would be much worse for me I think, it’s so much more “happy families”. I think at least in this meeting I don’t have to see her treating new gf like family and pretending like they didn’t clearly didn’t have an affair

OP posts:
stayathomegardener · 11/06/2023 01:03

So difficult for you.

YukoandHiro · 11/06/2023 01:05

What does DH think about his brother's choices?

Original poster
vibecheck · 11/06/2023 01:05

@LifeIsPainHighness ugh, I’m sorry you’ve been through this as well - it’s a mine field. That’s a very interesting perspective though and is essentially what my DH has been saying to me, that she could be part of our lives for a long time and we have to be aware of that.

OP posts:
Original poster
vibecheck · 11/06/2023 01:08

@YukoandHiro its been a massive thing in the family - he’s very disappointed and we’ve taken the brunt of criticism from MIL for not being supportive enough and being too sympathetic with SIL (or ex-SIL, I guess). But he’s now at the point where he doesn’t want to cut his brother off for this and thinks we have to move forward accordingly, whilst still supporting SIL and nieces. I probably would be harsher, but it’s not my brother so easier for me.

OP posts:
DeeCeeCherry · 11/06/2023 01:10

I'd feel the same. I wouldnt sit there making chit chat at all. Why cant the 1st meet be in a group setting anyway? This is insensitive and just stupid.

Lefteyetwitch · 11/06/2023 01:11

I've been and am where you are but further along.
He left 3 kids. Completely. Walked out and never looked back. The mother is 'crazy' you see 🫥
He's been married to the affair partner for many years and they have kids now.

I used to think I could never be apart of anything like that. It's vile and disgusting.

But honestly I'm to exhausted for any drama now.
I want close to Ex SIL. Didn't even know the kids at that point so didn't feel any attachment.

I just go with the flow. Not my circus not my monkeys

We see him and his new family a few times a year and it's no bother to me.

HeddaGarbled · 11/06/2023 01:12

I’d be tempted to be strategically ill. Imagine how your friend must be feeling: airbrushed out of the family.

EvilElsa · 11/06/2023 01:17

Agree with others that I would really struggle with that and feel that a less intense group setting would be better where you can just exchange a hello and some pointless chat. BIL sounds like a right dick. I'd probably be getting a convenient bout of stomach flu to call off last minute.

Kitkatcatflap · 11/06/2023 01:18

Nah - it would be too soon for me. As you said, his wife is more of a friend than a SIL.

I would have a migraine/sore throat come on and stay at home. If the MIL questions the timing, I would tell her she is not being very supportive.

fireflyloo · 11/06/2023 01:19

I wouldn't do it. I am very friendly with by sil and after only 6 months not a chance I'd sit with my db and his new gf, especially when kids involved. When things like this come up I look beyond family ties and look to the moral and just situation,

Original poster
vibecheck · 11/06/2023 01:24

God I’m so glad everyone feels the same as me.

I just can’t not go though. My DH would never forgive me.

OP posts:
StartupRepair · 11/06/2023 01:28

Polite and distant is the way. You don't ever have to be their friend but you probably will have to keep seeing them.
It also might help normalise things for their poor children if you are at future family occasions making chitchat.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 11/06/2023 01:31

I agree with you in principle but not in practice.

I would hate it & think very little of them both but for your husband's sake I would go. He's probably not thrilled about it either but it's his brother.

In the grand scheme of things he's a cheating asshole but he's not a murdered or rapist etc. & your husband can still want him in his life, even if he has treated his ex badly.

The only reason you would do this is to support your husband- reframe it that way to make it easier.

whumpthereitis · 11/06/2023 01:35

It’s all very well taking the moral stand, but you will be perceived as the problem, not her or BIL. That isn’t necessarily a problem, but it’s for you to consider whether it’s worth causing problems in your relationship with your husband and his wider family.

AtrociousCircumstance · 11/06/2023 01:36

He’d never forgive you if you said you were ill and didn’t go? For failing to protect the special precious feelings of his cunt of a brother? Fuck that. You can make that choice and he can go alone.

snitzelvoncrumb · 11/06/2023 01:37

You could have fun with this.
Be polite and try to get a few digs in when you can.

LifeIsPainHighness · 11/06/2023 01:41

snitzelvoncrumb · 11/06/2023 01:37

You could have fun with this.
Be polite and try to get a few digs in when you can.

This is what I did when I had the same situation. 10 years on when BIL is now married to SIL and they have kids, and he’s a staple part of the family, I look back and feel embarrassed (but felt good at the time 😂)

IreneGoodnight · 11/06/2023 01:51

Is anyone taking your feelings into account? Your close friend and her children are going through a major crisis and you're supposed to play nicely with the two people responsible?
Personally I'd not allow anyone to pressurise me into meeting the OW until I was good and ready (if only to avoid a scene if she put ĵust one foot wrong in my eyes !) DH and MIL should respect your relationship with your friend as much as you respect theirs with BIL.
I'd tell DH to meet the new couple on his own until things have settled down and feelings are less raw. I'd expect him to back you up on this.
You'd think MIL would be really upset about the split and mad at the OW - if only for her GC's sake. Must be a bit of an eye opener for you.
I wish your friend the strength to get through this rotten time and hope something good happens to her very soon.

beachcitygirl · 11/06/2023 01:52

I think I'd go and ask awkward (that seem pleasant) questions.

"So tell me - how did you lovebirds meet"
"When was that again"
" who made the first move "

And so on and so on

ToeJammed · 11/06/2023 02:12

I had the same but with my brother and his new g.f.
He had been married to my sister in law for almost twenty years and she was very much part of the family.
He left her for another woman who he subsequently married and is still married to.
His former wife remained close to my parents and she still visits them weekly, some fifteen years post divorce.
I just shrugged my shoulders and made small talk with his new g.f.

I actually like her a lot and we became very good friends.
There's no point in making a drama because it won't change anything.
All you're doing by avoiding it now is storing it away for another day.

Grumpusaurus · 11/06/2023 02:12

Nah, I would not be welcoming and would not talk to her or in fact your BIL.

VerasRaincoat · 11/06/2023 02:26

After reading that your “ husband would never forgive you”. My advice would be to not go. How dare he decide you must meet his trash brother and his cheap side piece.

BIL will have to learn that behaving the way he did, disrespecting his wife and mother of his children, that it has consequences. Considering it looks like your mil enables this behaviour, he’s going to find it a bit of dose of reality if you and others don’t want to socialise with him and his cheap tart.