To feel weird about meeting BIL’s new girlfriend

[vibecheck]

I want to preface this with I know that I’m being unreasonable, but I just need to rant and hopefully get some advice from some women who’ve been through similar…

My BIL (husband’s brother) left his wife and twin girls 6 months ago, for another woman. It was a classic situation of he said there wasn’t another woman, and some people in the family (cough - MIL - cough) believe there wasn’t another woman, but he immediately started seeing a woman who he worked with and now they live together.

I know my BIL’s ex-wife more as a friend than anything else. She was bridesmaid at my wedding, we are very close. At the time of the split she told me a lot of things as a friend that have coloured my view of BIL and of his new girlfriend. It’s been hard to navigate being her friend and DH’s wife/member of his family during this time because of the complications of the split and crossover of women.

Anyway - we’re meeting BIL and his new girlfriend this week. I’ve been civil with BIL since the split despite my private feelings because he’s DH’s family, but I am dreading this meeting. I will be polite because I always am, but I just hate the idea of sitting having dinner with someone I know was the other woman and caused someone I love so much hurt (not to mention the disruption to my gorgeous nieces!) . I know I have to do it for DH and I will do it, it’s just going to be a difficult evening where I’ll be keeping my gob shut!

Anyone had to do similar and have any advice?

As for you OP, yeah you have to go...she' your bil's partner now. However sour you feel on your sil's behalf, you don't get to choose them for him.

Of course it's deeplu upsetting for your sil...but so is being married to someone who'd rather be with someone else.

I wouldn’t go. There’s absolutely no need for it. Civil at family occasions is one thing, actively socialising with them on their own-no chance, not yet. Maybe in a decade if you decide you like her but otherwise they can jog on.

If you don’t have that agency in your marriage I’d say that was a bigger issue tbh!

But its not about telling people who to love is it ? Its about the OP rightly not wanting to spend an evening having dinner with two people who have hurt her close friend. She clearly would prefer not be put into that situation and would choose not to go if it wasn't for the family connection. OP is already being polite with them. Why should she have to do more than that and appear friendly and visit their home for dinner too ?

If I have learnt one thing about extended families - swallowing your feelings to help ensure cordial relations has a detrimental effect.
In my opinion you should ask to have a coffee with b'n'law - tell him how you feel and tell him that you want to move forward and will move forward for the sake of your husband - but that you need to get this off your chest or you would forever just be pretending around him.

It is a difficult situation and I can understand why you feel like that. At the same time, you've managed to be civil to your BIL. It was HE who betrayed his wife. The new woman isn't as guilty as he is. If you can be civil to him perhaps you can be civil to her.
Assuming you're British, us Brits are masters at hiding our feelings, being polite to people that we really dislike! I'd try and be breezily pleasant and just get through it.

Well DH can’t tell you how to feel about people.

I appreciate it’s difficult, and I would probably have to get on with tolerating OW as time went on (she might not be around for long though) but DH is asking you to be disloyal to your friend.

In all honesty, I don’t know why you have to have this double date meet up. It’s all very contrived. I would probably feign illness last minute, but I’m quite old and tend not to do things I don’t really want to do.

"But its not about telling people who to love is it ? Its about the OP rightly not wanting to spend an evening having dinner with two people who have hurt her close friend."

Yes I know but life has a funny way of chucking curveballs left right and centre...and in this instance it's her dh's brother, with whom her dh has a close relationship, so the compromise is required.
We do a lot of this in the real world of the the grown ups and actual stuff that happens. It's not like on the telly.

That’s why I said “save” BIL should have received some of this hostility before.

I'd probably go and fondly talk about ex-SIL and my nieces/nephews as much as possible, as long as I was 100% sure the new gf knew she was part of an affair and chose to date BIL anyway.

I think you have to be grown up about it. The new woman may well end up being a part of rhe family long term and go on to have kids with your bil. She will remember how you treat her and it could cause issues down the road between your family and theirs, affecting your dhs relationship with his brother. Your ex sil might well move on and find a new partner and your friendhip might dwindle.

I would be polite and welcoming. I would also be kind to your ex sil but not share details about the new woman or engage in chat about her or your bil They are separate entities now and I'd treat them as such. I wouldn't want to cultivate a friendship though and I'd make that clear.

It isn't up to you to pass judgement yet I agree it's a horrible situation to be put in and hard not to feel loyal towards the injured party.

Good post @Sceptre86

I agree.

YANBU to be sad for your friend but ultimately YWBVU to be rude to her whilst being polite to your BIL.

I also agree with others that she might end up part of the family, so I wouldn't ostracise her. If your MIL treats her like part of the family, it makes no difference to whether ex SIL is still your friend. Going forward, ex SIL will be your friend and his new gf will (possibly) become family. There's no reason to be personally upset about that change.

I’d be grown up about it… but not yet. If my Dh expected me to go to a dinner he’d know he’d bloody well better make sure there was no dinner for the first year.

it does tell you a lot about how your mil would react- if my mil accused me of not being supportive in this situation I’d say I’m supporting the mother of your grandchildren, who now has primary custody of them. It’s a tough situation for a mum and my close friend and she has ALL my sympathy right now.

this Is always really awkward.. if it was me, I’d be honest with new girlfriend in a very sympathetic way and say you’re sorry if you’re not your normal chatty happy self, and that you feel like you’re being pressured into being okay with something that you’re not really okay with because of how close you are to SIL, say you’ll probably feel better as time goes on but it’s too soon at the moment for you to feel okay with it.

I wouldn’t EVER sit there and pretend to be fine, but I also wouldn’t be a dick, as ultimately you don’t know the full situation with BIL and ex SIL, no one ever does.

just be honest, but DO NOT allow your emotions to draw you into an argument, matter of fact is the way to go.

Might as well just start an argument - people will know what she's doing and it will be perceived as confrontational.

Getting together with someone quickly after ending a marriage doesn’t actually mean he was cheating. People may assume, but they don’t know what really goes on in someone else’s relationships. It may be that he did what is advised - if you’re not happy and find yourself looking at someone else, don’t cheat - leave.

Either way I just wouldn’t insert myself into, and add to, the drama. Your husband may not approve of what he did, but he loves his brother and understandably doesn’t want to cut him off (I wouldn’t either). He can’t change what his brother has done and holding onto it like a dog with a bone doesn’t help anyone.

No, its not like on TV is it ? Not all brothers are close, and its not possible to tell whether they are from the OP's post. But it is possible to tell that OP and her friend are close. Not sure why people think OP has to attend a dinner just with BIL and new partner if she has reasons not to ? Different if it was a family gathering or special event, but it doesn't seem to be.

I probably wouldn’t go. I’d delay meeting her for as long as possible and I wouldn’t be particularly nice.

I agree, some of these responses are really immature. Everyone has the right to leave a relationship and meet someone new. Who really knows what was going on in their marriage anyway.

And if people have affairs, they should expect there will be consequences from that.
I wouldn't go OP. And seeing how welcoming the family is to the OW, would make me think a lot less of them. Wonder how quickly they'd welcome the OW if your husband cheated on you

A short coffee or quick drink sounds a better bet than a long awkward dinner.

I'm separated from ex-partner (cheating the past but actual separation not related to that) and I think of it like this if it helps with your ex-SIL - I feel like I am no longer a part of the close family unit so don't expect others to treat me like that but I do catch up every so often with my ex in laws as I want my children to continue their relationship with them. However I wouldn't expect my ex in-laws to refuse to meet a new partner.

And seeing how welcoming the family is to the OW, would make me think a lot less of them. Wonder how quickly they'd welcome the OW if your husband cheated on you

Of course they're welcoming her, whoever he dates is only family because of their connection to him.

I wouldn't be at all surprised if my DP's family welcomed his new girlfriend if he cheated on me. He's the one that is their family, not me.

I would have more anger to bil than other women. You don't know what he told her about his marriage. If you can be cordial to bil then definitely be cordial to her and maybe give her the benefit of the doubt. She may not be a bad guy in this but rather another victim. I agree you should be clear sil is your friend and will continue to be regardless of what anyone thinks. And lesson of how dis loyal your dh family is to non blood family

My DP would know better than expect me to attend,never mind not forgiving me if I refused.

"I wouldn't go OP. And seeing how welcoming the family is to the OW, would make me think a lot less of them."

One day your son might leave his wife for another woman. I think you'd support him.