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Original poster

To feel weird about meeting BIL’s new girlfriend

345 replies

vibecheck · 11/06/2023 00:45

I want to preface this with I know that I’m being unreasonable, but I just need to rant and hopefully get some advice from some women who’ve been through similar…

My BIL (husband’s brother) left his wife and twin girls 6 months ago, for another woman. It was a classic situation of he said there wasn’t another woman, and some people in the family (cough - MIL - cough) believe there wasn’t another woman, but he immediately started seeing a woman who he worked with and now they live together.

I know my BIL’s ex-wife more as a friend than anything else. She was bridesmaid at my wedding, we are very close. At the time of the split she told me a lot of things as a friend that have coloured my view of BIL and of his new girlfriend. It’s been hard to navigate being her friend and DH’s wife/member of his family during this time because of the complications of the split and crossover of women.

Anyway - we’re meeting BIL and his new girlfriend this week. I’ve been civil with BIL since the split despite my private feelings because he’s DH’s family, but I am dreading this meeting. I will be polite because I always am, but I just hate the idea of sitting having dinner with someone I know was the other woman and caused someone I love so much hurt (not to mention the disruption to my gorgeous nieces!) . I know I have to do it for DH and I will do it, it’s just going to be a difficult evening where I’ll be keeping my gob shut!

Anyone had to do similar and have any advice?

OP posts:
RudsyFarmer · 11/06/2023 09:34

You are in an impossible situation. Some situations are impossible. You can’t do right for doing wrong. If it helps I would try and look at it this way …. your lovely friends cheating husband has left abd made room for someone loving and kind to enter her life. At the point that she realises this and potentially meets someone who truly loves her, you will feel less upset and the ex BIL would probably have moved on leaving another shattered family behind him.

Dooopylally · 11/06/2023 09:35

Having dinner does imply a kind of acceptance, doesn't it? If you were meeting a new couple under normal circumstances there'd be talk of how they met etc, I hope they will have the decency not to be all loved up at the dinner at least.
I would find it easier to be polite to her, than to him.

fivetonap · 11/06/2023 09:36

MolkosTeenageAngst · 11/06/2023 09:30

Other peoples relationships aren’t your business. You don’t know the ins and outs of BILs relationship with his ex wife or his new partner and likely never will. You don’t have to become friends with this woman but it’s unfair to judge her and decide to dislike her before you’ve even met when you don’t know the full story. She might be in the family a long time, she and BIL may go on to marry or have children who will be your DHs Nieces/ nephews just as the twins are. This woman may be part of the family for decades so be careful not to act in a way now, whilst the hurt and anger is raw, that shapes the future relationship in a way you can’t come back from.

Exactly this.

My mil and sil didn't take lightly to me joining the family 6 months after my now husband split form his exgirlfriend.

We're not close now because of it.

aSofaNearYou · 11/06/2023 09:37

TheCheeseTray · 11/06/2023 09:23

I had similar but not family.

close friend and her husband - were having a few issues mainly cause by him moving his vile mil in on a temporary basis and then 3 years later she was still there and he refused to ask her to leave.

she wanted space and to repair the marriage (she was and did nothing wrong) she moved into a friends annex and did all the school runs etc and saw her children daily.

meanwhile - he slept with her best friend and moved her best friend in 🤦‍♀️within days - her best friend was actually someone who worked with her but wasn’t her direct line manager. My friend behaved with absolute dignity and never ever did anything to hurt the children or her ex but did stop talking to her friend Other than a needs must at work and always made sure she had other people around.

my friend struggled with the betrayal and has now moved an hour away back home and pays CMS not only for her child but her old step daughter too etc and has her child eow etc

my friends ex goes everywhere with his new partner - they are joined at the hip, parents evenings for children that aren’t hers, school fetes and so on.

I barely talk to him (he ex) but our children are friends and I will make polite conversation at the school if needs must but I can not bring myself to speak to his new partner and my friends ex best friend - I just cant.

so I avoid her and so do all the other parents. It’s a nice village but I cant see there is any way for them to be accepted.

I would not be forced by your DH to do anything. You are an adult. You choose.
No DH I will not meet your brother and his OW. I have a far stronger friend with Jane and a great deal more respect for her.

She's ostracised by the whole school community? What a misogynistic story.

FigTreeInEurope · 11/06/2023 09:37

I'd see this as compromising my moral integrity. I'd tell Dh "no", and refuse to engage any further. People might have their dramas, throw tantrums and argue, to coerce you into going, but is your own moral integrity bought so cheaply? A marriage where you would genuinely never be forgiven for this, is a marriage not worth having.

AnotherpostAnotherQuestion · 11/06/2023 09:38

There is a half way point between "cutting off his brother" and socialising with him and the OW.

Why do you need to socialise with them, surely they should experience the gravity of breaking up a family?

GeekyThings · 11/06/2023 09:40

aSofaNearYou · 11/06/2023 09:37

She's ostracised by the whole school community? What a misogynistic story.

Show quote history

I know, right? I actually couldn't quite believe it when I read it - they'll be tarring and feathering her next! And the fact that they're polite to the guy who was in the relationship and therefore broke the vows, but her, even though she didn't make any promises to anyone? Yuck!

aSofaNearYou · 11/06/2023 09:42

AnotherpostAnotherQuestion · 11/06/2023 09:38

There is a half way point between "cutting off his brother" and socialising with him and the OW.

Why do you need to socialise with them, surely they should experience the gravity of breaking up a family?

Because that would cause a fall out. If it were my sister I would not feel the need to punish her by "showing her the gravity of breaking up a family". She'd be experiencing that with her dealings with her ex and not living with her kids anymore. It's not something I'd need or want to also dish out a punishment for.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/06/2023 09:43

TheCheeseTray · 11/06/2023 09:23

I had similar but not family.

close friend and her husband - were having a few issues mainly cause by him moving his vile mil in on a temporary basis and then 3 years later she was still there and he refused to ask her to leave.

she wanted space and to repair the marriage (she was and did nothing wrong) she moved into a friends annex and did all the school runs etc and saw her children daily.

meanwhile - he slept with her best friend and moved her best friend in 🤦‍♀️within days - her best friend was actually someone who worked with her but wasn’t her direct line manager. My friend behaved with absolute dignity and never ever did anything to hurt the children or her ex but did stop talking to her friend Other than a needs must at work and always made sure she had other people around.

my friend struggled with the betrayal and has now moved an hour away back home and pays CMS not only for her child but her old step daughter too etc and has her child eow etc

my friends ex goes everywhere with his new partner - they are joined at the hip, parents evenings for children that aren’t hers, school fetes and so on.

I barely talk to him (he ex) but our children are friends and I will make polite conversation at the school if needs must but I can not bring myself to speak to his new partner and my friends ex best friend - I just cant.

so I avoid her and so do all the other parents. It’s a nice village but I cant see there is any way for them to be accepted.

I would not be forced by your DH to do anything. You are an adult. You choose.
No DH I will not meet your brother and his OW. I have a far stronger friend with Jane and a great deal more respect for her.

People are judging the woman who’s jointly bringing up those kids while their mum has chosen to move away and see them EOW? What an interesting story.

JudgeJ · 11/06/2023 09:43

snitzelvoncrumb · 11/06/2023 01:37

You could have fun with this.
Be polite and try to get a few digs in when you can.

You're as wicked as me, I'd do that too as well as perfecting my finest Paddington stare! It's not necessary to actually say anything to purvey disapproval.

TallerThanAverage · 11/06/2023 09:48

At the end of the day it’s nothing to do with you. Your opinion isn’t required. Just be civil else you will come across badly with your DH family.

viques · 11/06/2023 09:55

Six months is still very raw. If SIL is your friend, which it sounds like she is, then I think the friendship comes first. I assume the new gf knew about the twins when she shacked up with him? Is he introducing her to them?

I think you are being used as the Trojan horse to get her in with the family. I would decline, or have a really bad attack of the runs so be unable to attend.

viques · 11/06/2023 09:57

Gracewithoutend · 11/06/2023 03:17

Six months is quite a long time. You have to meet her some time. Your husband is never going to disown his brother. I know I wouldn't disown mine. So you have to move on. No matter how your in-laws handle it, you can still stay friends with your sil while socialising with your bil.
I think this is such a common dynamic of split families.

Six months is about Christmas time I think. I bet that was a Christmas those twins will never forget.

Crumpleton · 11/06/2023 10:03

JandalsAlways · 11/06/2023 04:25

Agree with PP. Don't ignore, be civil and normal. You don't have to be besties with new GF, but you can be nice. Also remember you do only have ex SIL side of the story too.

I agree with these.

You're probably going to have to meet her at some time.

Is there a chance that your DH isn't exactly thrilled at the situation either but realises there's nothing he can do or say to his DB that's going to make him run back to your ex SIL and wants you there to support him?

Not a nice situation to be in feeling you have to either support your DH or your friend. So the choice has to be yours as this OW may be in the family for sometime.

Considering there are DC involved, your MIL's GC at that she really needs to keep neutral on this and remember they have feelings to.

RunAwayTurnAwayRunAwayTurnAway · 11/06/2023 10:04

beachcitygirl · 11/06/2023 01:52

I think I'd go and ask awkward (that seem pleasant) questions.

"So tell me - how did you lovebirds meet"
"When was that again"
" who made the first move "

And so on and so on

This would be sublime!

Nevermind31 · 11/06/2023 10:05

I think you need to separate the two - your BIL leaving his wife and children is none of your business (even though she is your friend).
this new woman might become family at some point too, and it is your BIL st fault, not her.
That doesn’t mean you cannot be supportive to your friend.
however, you don’t have to become friends with this woman, you can talk about your nieces etc.

Hoppinggreen · 11/06/2023 10:05

I wouldn’t actually say anything but it would be very clear what I thought about the pair of them and anyone who had an issue with that could F off.
They would get politeness but no more

ilovesushi · 11/06/2023 10:07

I think I would cry off and not go. I don't think I could swallow the dishonesty of trying to be polite. What do you gain by going? I think potentially more damage and hurt could be caused by being there.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 11/06/2023 10:07

I'd keep out of other people's marriage business. You don't know his side of the story. And there's no reason why you should do.

It's a tricky situation. Nobody knows how long the new woman might be around for.

Go to dinner, no need to get pally with her, see how it pans out over time.

Truestorypeeps · 11/06/2023 10:12

vibecheck · 11/06/2023 01:24

God I’m so glad everyone feels the same as me.

I just can’t not go though. My DH would never forgive me.

Surely he shouldn't force you to do anything against your wishes/will?

RoseDeWittBukatter · 11/06/2023 10:17

I would find this very difficult too. If DH expects you to sit there and be perfectly fine with with it then he's out of order.

The thought of it all makes me feel sick and they've both got some bare faced cheek to come and sit at your table and pretend she wasn't the other woman. What bullshit.

I'm a fiercely loyal person and my face and attitude would tell how I felt so therefore I wouldn't have them to dinner. I'd see them out and about or whenever but not in a dinner date setting.

Good luck & let us know how it goes.

whumpthereitis · 11/06/2023 10:23

JudgeJ · 11/06/2023 09:43

You're as wicked as me, I'd do that too as well as perfecting my finest Paddington stare! It's not necessary to actually say anything to purvey disapproval.

Show quote history

Does this actually make anyone feel awkward? The ‘OW’ (if she is indeed one) is a grown ass woman, not a child being disciplined by a parent. I can’t imagine not laughing at someone being petty and passive aggressive in such a way tbh. Rather than feel awkward I’d just think the person doing it was a bit of a dick.

aSofaNearYou · 11/06/2023 10:26

Rather than feel awkward I’d just think the person doing it was a bit of a dick.

Me too. And it would make me hold them at arms length long term, which would have consequences when children were born and for the whole family.

ShandaLear · 11/06/2023 10:30

Treat them like colleagues - they’re part of the family firm. Be pleasant, make small talk, find something else to distract you - kids, lunch, whatever - go home and don’t give them another thought until you have to see them again. That I think is the most I could manage.

GlasgowGal82 · 11/06/2023 10:35

JennyForeigner · 11/06/2023 07:35

We were also in this position as kids. My grandmother chose my mum. She never didn't have a loving and close relationship with my dad and saw his partners, but to the end of her long life was as much ex-MIL and nanna as she was a mother.

And she was very open about how she saw my dad's actions. She lost nothing by it, but kept her integrity, and probably a more secure genuine relationship with him over time.

OP: I think you can push back with your MIL if she pushes you. Why does it all have to be happy families before people have a chance to heal?

My Gran did this too. I don't think there even was an OW but my Uncle walked out on my Aunty and her two small kids and my Gran stuck by her because she was the mother of her grandkids and she obviously had a lot of love and respect for that. She did maintain a relationship with her son and his eventual new family, although I am sure at the start he was clear she wasn't happy with his behaviour. When it came to family events she invited everyone including the ex and expected the grown ups work it out between themselves who was comfortable attending. When she died she left the same amount of money to step-grandkids as she did to blood grandkids and a substantial amount to the ex-wife even though they'd been divorced for 20 years by then and the kids were grown! She was an absolute role model for blended families, although I am sure because of her religious beliefs she would have preferred that everyone just stuck it out in their marriages.

In your situation OP I'd probably go along and be civil but not friendly. To be honest though my beef would be with BIL rather than the OW because he was the one who had the commitment to your friend. Good luck!