To feel weird about meeting BIL’s new girlfriend

[vibecheck]

I want to preface this with I know that I’m being unreasonable, but I just need to rant and hopefully get some advice from some women who’ve been through similar…

My BIL (husband’s brother) left his wife and twin girls 6 months ago, for another woman. It was a classic situation of he said there wasn’t another woman, and some people in the family (cough - MIL - cough) believe there wasn’t another woman, but he immediately started seeing a woman who he worked with and now they live together.

I know my BIL’s ex-wife more as a friend than anything else. She was bridesmaid at my wedding, we are very close. At the time of the split she told me a lot of things as a friend that have coloured my view of BIL and of his new girlfriend. It’s been hard to navigate being her friend and DH’s wife/member of his family during this time because of the complications of the split and crossover of women.

Anyway - we’re meeting BIL and his new girlfriend this week. I’ve been civil with BIL since the split despite my private feelings because he’s DH’s family, but I am dreading this meeting. I will be polite because I always am, but I just hate the idea of sitting having dinner with someone I know was the other woman and caused someone I love so much hurt (not to mention the disruption to my gorgeous nieces!) . I know I have to do it for DH and I will do it, it’s just going to be a difficult evening where I’ll be keeping my gob shut!

Anyone had to do similar and have any advice?

People don't 'play captain moral'. Some people actually have morals and don't want to socialise with people whose behaviour they think is horrible.

I don't understand the loyalty to in-laws over friends. Friends are people you choose and in-laws are people you get no say in! And when push comes to shove, that family has made it clear from the treatment of the sil that it's blood relatives who count. If OPs husband left her, she'd not be getting any support from mil!

I think there is a big difference between being pleasant to the person say at a work do or school gate. About bland topics

And having to chat to them about their relationship with your bil and sound interested and enthusiastic.

As if you can't do that second one, a cosy double date is just awkward as hell.

I went through this. My elcheated and left me and our very young children for a woman he worked with. They very quickly went on to have a baby then split up.
I was completely outcast by his family for no reason, no doubt he made up some spiteful things to make them see him in a good light.
Please suppose his ex and do not become friendly with her. It's a very lonely time after something like this happens. She needs you in her court.

I think you should take the lead from your husband since it's his family. I agree with a previous comment that I'd be very annoyed if my partner decided to cut contact/refuse to see my sister because of a decision she made for herself about her own relationship, regardless of any friendship he had with her ex. That would cause problems between myself and him.

OP, I wouldn't expect you to cut ties with your friend (the ex) at all but I wouldn't expect you to take a stand on something like this where truthfully it isn't really your business at all. People split up and move on all the time.

Honestly you can just carry on as you are with his ex but also be fine with brother and gf too. It doesn't need to be drama from your side.

I think OP would be out of order if she was telling her dh to not spend time with his brother. But not to make that decision for herself. Even though people are married, they are still individuals, with their own thoughts and feelings and moral compass. No one should feel pressured by their spouse to tolerate situations they feel uncomfortable with.
If this was me and my husband felt strongly about something my brother had done, I'd probably expect my husband to be civil to my brother and not cause a row in my mum's house, but I wouldn't ask him to go for dinner and generally socialise if that made him feel conflicted or disloyal to the person who is actually his friend.
There's room to be civil without it tipping over into acceptance or endorsement.

I wouldn't go.

Friends are the family you choose, and ex-SIL is your family.

DH doesn't have to spend time with ex-SIL and you don't have to spend time with OW. Neither of you should have to force the other to pick sides.

And who cares about two little girls who have been chucked on the scrap heap by the DF.
No, no, just do as you please and sod everyone else.

I do agree in general but I think in this instance this is BIL introducing his new partner, so to refuse to meet her completely would be obviously hostile. It's not to say they have to socialise like this going forward.

OP has already said she'd rather not meet her at a 'family' occasion so this is the easiest way, and then going forward they can just be civil when they are thrown together.

Yes, well, one persons moral is someone else’s pain in the arse busybody.

‘Don’t want to socialize with people whose behaviour they think is horrible’ - Yet she’s socializing with the BIL, who did leave his wife.

I don’t necessarily have an attachment to my in laws over my friends, but I do for my husband and I wouldn’t be prepared to needlessly insert myself into someone else’s business and cause problems between us or with his family.

If OP considers that an acceptable consequence then that’s up to her, but I don’t think her taking one stance means it’s wrong for her husband to be annoyed by it, or that any other stance is wrong.

and lastly - no shit. That people would primarily support their own child/sibling/ parent is hardly a shocking realization.

I think your definition of busybody is different to mine. Opting out of socialising with someone whose behaviour has been hurtful to your friend is a valid choice. It's not "needlessly inserting" herself or interfering in someone else's business or dictating how they behave, which is busybody behaviour. It's just saying 'no thanks, this isn't for me'. And I don't think her husband has a right to pressure her to do otherwise - yeah, he might be annoyed by his wife showing loyalty to someone she's been friends with for years because that's inconvenient for the family who'd like to airbrush Sil out of the picture now, but his annoyance isn't more valid that OPs view.

Not all families will support their own blood relative if they have behaved badly. Some do support the person they feel was wronged, instead. Different values!

Not all families will support their own blood relative if they have behaved badly. Some do support the person they feel was wronged, instead. Different values!

Personally I hope my DPs family do support him rather than forsaking him for my sake if he leaves or wrongs me. People need their family, even people that make mistakes, and I have my own.

I've seen the other side of it - my aunt had just left someone when my Nan died, and it had put a real strain on their relationship as aunt's ex had clung on to my Nan after the split and turned her against my aunt. It haunts her to this day, whereas the ex has moved on with her life. At the end of the day, that relationship is generally just not as crucial.

Clearly.

OP has had no problem socializing and being civil to the brother. The one that actually did leave her friend.

Like I said, I would be annoyed if I were in her husbands shoes and my husband decided that my brothers new partner was his hill to do on, especially when it’s not clear that the new was the OW/has done anything wrong. These are people she could very well have a relationship with for decades to come. He’s not asking her to be best friends with either one, just to be civil and normalize family relationships.

I wouldn't advocate cutting off your own family member, even if they've done a shitty thing that you wouldn't condone from a friend. But, I also wouldn't support an in law at the expense of a friend if the friend was wronged. That's the difference for me - sil isn't 'just' a sil, she's a friend too. I'm also someone who doesn't really see in-laws as my family, but I appreciate that others take a different view on that.

Eventually yes, relationships will have to be normalised if bil stays in his new relationship, but I'd be inclined to wait and see and would give a a lot more time for the dust to settle. Id want to be loyal to my friend and I would think any pressures from dh to be unfair. I'd want to see what kind of ex husband bil becomes to my friend because that's an important part of normalising the bil aspect to me.

But difference is - rarely do people outside the marriage (even op) know the ins and outs of a marriage. Peering through the glass is rarely the fully story

You cannot definitely say there was a ow. Even if there was, it's not about you or your feelings about it or even op's. It's simply between wife and husband.

I say this as someone who literally had this happen to her. I would never expect my exs family to chose me over their own flesh and blood. Humans make mistakes and since it wasn't a illegal type of mistake and giveit time and the family won't think about it because it's not relevant in the present moment

It's not to say you can't voice your opinions (if asked) or hold your own opinions. But no one is asking op for her opinions or to make a stand on her behalf. And since she she knows the "facts" via a second party you don't know actually know for certain the actual facts.

And people are free to stick their noses in affairs that aren't to do with them and be morally scandalised. But don't be shocked if one day you get punched in the nose.

@namechangenacy I guess we can all go through life completely ignoring things that don't directly affect us. And if OPs friend doesn't care if OP socialises with bil and his new gf, then that's an easy out for the OP. I think she might mind though - I would. I'd But maybe OP just doesn't want to. And that's okay. I don't remember saying she should loudly express her opinion to all and sundry, even if not asked. But mil (and dh) are asking her to express some level of endorsement. And I think if she's uncomfortable or feels it clashes with her loyalty to her friend, then she shouldn't be pressured into doing it anyway. It's okay to say she thinks it's not appropriate yet or would be hurtful to sil and decline, without getting hassle over it.

@LadyBird1973 I mean it's not completely ignoring things that aren't to do with you.

It's about not inserting your emotions or feeling on to a situation that you factually know nothing about and aren't to do with you.

Their marriage and end of marriage is nothing to do with anyone else. No one's asking them to host a party at ops house welcoming them into her home. She's being asked to attend a family gathering. Asked being the key word there. She's not in control of the guest list as she's not hosting. If she was the hostess sure, she can invite who she wants. But she's not. Because it's not about her.

She can opt out sure, but she's got no higher moral standing than her dh (who chooses to attend) and that may have a impact on her marriage. That's her choice.

It's amazing I can say I have been the ex wife in this situation and somehow my actual life experience on this apparently doesn't count 🙄 and your fighting with nearly every poster that offers a different opinion is based on your assumption on a hypothetical feelings of a situation that you know nothing about bar what op has said and everyone else is somehow morally defective. Okie dokie.

Opinions are like arseholes everyone has one, but they are just that. Opinions not facts

My father remarried less than a year after my mum passed away. To his therapist. Who he had only know for about 6 months. Against the advice of every person he loves and trusts.

I am never anything other than exquisitely polite to her. But I also share nothing of myself with her at all. I'm not British, but I lived there long enough to learn how to talk endlessly about absolutely nothing (that's not throwing shade, by the way, it's a life skill that's incredibly useful), so that's what I do. Given her profession, I'm assuming she's aware of what I'm doing (although given that she behaved incredibly unethically in starting a relationship with my dad, maybe I'm overestimating her commitment to her profession) but there's not really anything she can do about it. I'm an expert at changing the subject to something inane. I don't love the situation, but I do love my father, even when I don't agree with his choices, and this is the best I can make of this situation without compromising my own values/moral code/integrity.

I'm replying to posts that are directed to me. That's kind of how conversations work @namechangenacy

But yeah, I do think leaving your wife and kids and taking up with someone else 5 minutes later is grim (if he waited at all) and if sil is your friend then it's okay to not want to take a business as usual approach. Especially if your friend has shared information with you about bil that affects how you feel about bil generally.
I also don't remember saying your personal experience didn't count . But equally one size doesn't fit all. What you feel isn't necessarily what other people in your position would feel.

The OP was about dh and mil believing that OP should do something she isn't entirely at ease with and that there was potential conflict with both if she didn't. It was this that I have issue with really - I don't believe her dh should pressure her or give her grief if she doesn't want to do it. Mainly because sil is her friend and her loyalties are conflicted in a way that dh's aren't.

But OP hasn't come back to clarify anything, which might have helped us to help her.

Can you spit in BIL and side pieces drink?

@ToThineOwnSelfBe 👌👌👌