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Original poster

To feel weird about meeting BIL’s new girlfriend

345 replies

vibecheck · 11/06/2023 00:45

I want to preface this with I know that I’m being unreasonable, but I just need to rant and hopefully get some advice from some women who’ve been through similar…

My BIL (husband’s brother) left his wife and twin girls 6 months ago, for another woman. It was a classic situation of he said there wasn’t another woman, and some people in the family (cough - MIL - cough) believe there wasn’t another woman, but he immediately started seeing a woman who he worked with and now they live together.

I know my BIL’s ex-wife more as a friend than anything else. She was bridesmaid at my wedding, we are very close. At the time of the split she told me a lot of things as a friend that have coloured my view of BIL and of his new girlfriend. It’s been hard to navigate being her friend and DH’s wife/member of his family during this time because of the complications of the split and crossover of women.

Anyway - we’re meeting BIL and his new girlfriend this week. I’ve been civil with BIL since the split despite my private feelings because he’s DH’s family, but I am dreading this meeting. I will be polite because I always am, but I just hate the idea of sitting having dinner with someone I know was the other woman and caused someone I love so much hurt (not to mention the disruption to my gorgeous nieces!) . I know I have to do it for DH and I will do it, it’s just going to be a difficult evening where I’ll be keeping my gob shut!

Anyone had to do similar and have any advice?

OP posts:
UsethisUsername · 11/06/2023 07:43

JennyForeigner · 11/06/2023 07:36

Integrity is not a zero sum game.

Show quote history

Amen!

PicaK · 11/06/2023 07:50

Noone has to stay in a marriage if they're unhappy
Your friend is hurting - support her.
But save your ire and wrath for your bil if he's a bell end about contact, financial support etc.

MzHz · 11/06/2023 07:56

well @vibecheck i think it’s a real eye opener to see what his family would do if YOU were the SIL in question. Your h won’t ever forgive you for standing by a close friend but allowing him to make his own decision about his brother? I think that’s really unfair of him.

I wouldn’t be able to go, not yet, not even sure if or when. But it IS too soon for you and that’s perfectly ok and your h and his mother need to respect that and be supportive of you.

MzHz · 11/06/2023 07:59

If you really can’t get out of it, then get it scaled back to a drink on a pub or something.

dinner is too much

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 11/06/2023 08:00

Ask him how the children are, in an "interested" way. Several times!

GoodChat · 11/06/2023 08:04

You're loyal to your friend, of course you are, but this woman is his girlfriend now. You don't have to like what she did but i think you should give her a chance for everybody's sake.

Toomuch2019 · 11/06/2023 08:06

Gracewithoutend · 11/06/2023 03:17

Six months is quite a long time. You have to meet her some time. Your husband is never going to disown his brother. I know I wouldn't disown mine. So you have to move on. No matter how your in-laws handle it, you can still stay friends with your sil while socialising with your bil.
I think this is such a common dynamic of split families.

Agree with this.

Also, are you 100% sure there was a crossover? Because it sounds from your op that it's speculative. And it whilst morally dubious and unwise to get with someone so close after a breakup she may not have technically done anything wrong.

I say she because your BIL sounds like he has been a jerk regardless so I'd save all my ire for him!

Tilllly · 11/06/2023 08:08

You have to go I think

As PP said, be polite and distant
Pleasant but cool

I'd imagine she's pretty terrified

And make sure you're friend knows you're going, and why. You don't want her finding out by another route

Juiceboxxy · 11/06/2023 08:10

Be mad at BIL but you have no idea what lies the new woman was fed. It's not black and white. Your BIL was the one who said vows etc.

Cut the woman some slack, she didn't just your SIL, he did.

PimpMyFridge · 11/06/2023 08:13

While your dh's view is understandable and you will meet this person eventually. No one should expect you to throw the sil on the scrap heap or forget the children.
So I hope your DH and you agree that if the conversation includes any criticism of sil you won't be silently condoning that, and if the conversation is saccharine about the new gf being such a great addition to bils life you will likely be balancing that with some reminder of the cost to his children...

PimpMyFridge · 11/06/2023 08:15

Popetthetreehugger · 11/06/2023 07:03

30+ years ago , my H left for the other woman . My FIL smiled and got a puppy that he named a very recognisable shortened version of my name 🤣 for 15 years he took delight in making a big fuss of his favourite dog ( had loads ) with lots of isn’t poppet the absolute best ? Seriously, keep at arms length , but the long game is making sure she’s a good step mum . You could in time play a blinder for your nieces and dear friend . Good luck x

Omg I love your fil!
How to make your feelings plain in style.

PimpMyFridge · 11/06/2023 08:19

I really hope if mil is being welcoming to the new addition she is also recognising that there is an abandoned women raising her GC or there and isn't simultaneously turning her back on sil.

I too would give sil warning that you were in this situation, so she isn't caught by surprise, and reassure that the only reason you are there is because you have no choice but you hope you will be able to represent her and her children's interests in this situation now and in the future, and that is the only benefit as you see it.

DoubleTime · 11/06/2023 08:19

I don't think you are BU. I wouldn't go OP. Sure, be polite when you encounter them and don't bring anything contentious up, but I wouldn't join them for dinner. Its concerning that your husband doesn't see why you would be uncomfortable with the situation.

Importantly, how does your friend feel towards her ex/about what has happened? Won't it be upsetting/depressing to her if you do go ?

MayBeee · 11/06/2023 08:19

Is your sil aware this meet up is on the cards ?
I think I could handle the get together but would feel a bit like a traitor if she was in the dark about it . I don't mean I would be running to her afterwards to give a blow by blow account , but would as others have said , would be civil and then you can say to her you've met , and she's not a patch on her and you had been feeling very uneasy about it .

W1h · 11/06/2023 08:21

You're being rather unfair to his new girlfriend, you don't even know if she was the 'other woman' and if she was, he's the one who was married, you have no idea what she's been told - even if she'd know she had been the other woman.

SauceForTheGoose · 11/06/2023 08:21

Six months in is very recent and raw to he expected to move on. Ex Sil is your friend and I think it is insensitive of the family to expect you to be able to sit through a dinner with the couple who have devastated her life. I wouldn't be able to sit and be civil to you other of them.

UsethisUsername · 11/06/2023 08:22

I strongly disagree with posters saying “he’s the one who broke his wedding vows” and not to blame the OW. Of course the cheating spouse has behaved appallingly but (knowing) affair partners are also utter turds. They shouldn’t take all the blame but they don’t get to sidestep it either. Morals of fucking ally cats.

My2pence2day · 11/06/2023 08:23

GoodChat · 11/06/2023 08:04

You're loyal to your friend, of course you are, but this woman is his girlfriend now. You don't have to like what she did but i think you should give her a chance for everybody's sake.

I agree, some of these responses are really immature. Everyone has the right to leave a relationship and meet someone new. Who really knows what was going on in their marriage anyway.

Bluetrews25 · 11/06/2023 08:26

You're being a great friend.
How to deal with this?
Compartmentalise
She is your friend
BIL is your friend
But they are separate, imagine they were never together
Don't tell tales in either direction.
One day you will accept the situation (and it's not really 'your' situation, is it?) - can you let that day be today, so that you can manage not to be snide or go to battle for your friend?

Climbles · 11/06/2023 08:31

Are you feeling okay OP? Do you have a bit of a headache? Need a day in bed? Terrible timing to come down with a 24 hour bug of some sort.

lalaloopyhead · 11/06/2023 08:32

I think I would go with an open mind and see if you actually like gf when you meet. I totally understand you having bad feeling towards Bil and Gf but surely it will be exhausting in the long run to maintain the moral high ground position and be permanently offhand/avoid them.
If you are a direct person you could make your feelings clear 'i think you have both , particularly you Bil, treated ex sil terribly and I am honestly struggling with that at the moment' and then see where dinner goes.

pictoosh · 11/06/2023 08:32

I agree with you @My2pence2day .

Some very silly, childish responses here. Who are you to tell people who to love?

No one knows if there was even an actual affair. It seems likely of course but sometimes one having their head turned is enough to put paid to a stale, unhappy marriage. He didn't have his cake and eat it, he did the right thing and ended the marriage.

No one has to stay just because. Grow up people.

Maddy70 · 11/06/2023 08:33

Keep out of the drama. He's your bil. You don't have to approve of what he's done , but it's done. Be polite. Make small talk. Eat your dinner and go

christmastreewithhairyfairy · 11/06/2023 08:34

OP I've been through exactly the same. A few years on now and we're expected to have big happy family weekends with OW and her kids.
OW is very over the top "oh it's so lovely to meet you and let's all be great friends" which MIL had lapped up of course.

I avoid it when I can, or if not I get through it with a polite but distant smile, regularly messaging ex-SIL about how irritating it all is. It helps that ex-SIL has moved on and is now living a great life

ColadhSamh · 11/06/2023 08:34

You have to do what is right for you. Remind your husband and MIL of how quickly all have moved on. 6 months is nothing but already BIL is living with another woman, MIL and your husband arranging meet ups while no doubt other members of the family are hurting badly.

Little consideration given to daughter/SIL or indeed granddaughters/nieces. Picture of the future should you and your husband's relationship run into difficulties. Tread carefully.