To feel weird about meeting BIL’s new girlfriend

[vibecheck]

I want to preface this with I know that I’m being unreasonable, but I just need to rant and hopefully get some advice from some women who’ve been through similar…

My BIL (husband’s brother) left his wife and twin girls 6 months ago, for another woman. It was a classic situation of he said there wasn’t another woman, and some people in the family (cough - MIL - cough) believe there wasn’t another woman, but he immediately started seeing a woman who he worked with and now they live together.

I know my BIL’s ex-wife more as a friend than anything else. She was bridesmaid at my wedding, we are very close. At the time of the split she told me a lot of things as a friend that have coloured my view of BIL and of his new girlfriend. It’s been hard to navigate being her friend and DH’s wife/member of his family during this time because of the complications of the split and crossover of women.

Anyway - we’re meeting BIL and his new girlfriend this week. I’ve been civil with BIL since the split despite my private feelings because he’s DH’s family, but I am dreading this meeting. I will be polite because I always am, but I just hate the idea of sitting having dinner with someone I know was the other woman and caused someone I love so much hurt (not to mention the disruption to my gorgeous nieces!) . I know I have to do it for DH and I will do it, it’s just going to be a difficult evening where I’ll be keeping my gob shut!

Anyone had to do similar and have any advice?

I wouldn't go , if it causes a row , tough.
Explain your side , why shouldn't your feelings count ?

Come on OP. Just be normal, friendly and polite. Relationships end and new ones begin. That's life.

You're not the judge and jury here. You will look ridiculous if you sit there with a face on.

Mumsnet will not be happy however until the OW is pilloried, feathered and tarred.

I have no advice but I wanted to say that just because affair partners stay together does not mean they are blissfully happy. There is tremendous pressure on these couples to make it work. They know others will judge them if not in a ‘I told you so way.’
Lots of couples are not happy but in this instance they have to try and make it work.

You have a dh problem. Mine wouldn't expect me to go. He'd probably be relieved because I'd be so loyal to my friend it'd be embarrassing. I doubt my dh would go either? Depending on how close the brothers are?

It’s too soon for me. I would go for a drink if I had too but would certainly not have a meal playing happy families.

“And lesson of how dis loyal your dh family is to non blood family”

Which shouldn’t be a particularly remarkable or shocking revelation.

I wouldn’t go but then my husband wouldn’t make me as he would be very disappointed in his brother if he did this.
in your position d always want to see less of your mil as she clearly wouldn’t care about you if your husband cheated on you.

Mil thinks that you are too supportive of the mother of her GDs?

Fuck me!

I hope they don't have to see her much she sounds awful.

Your husband not much better tbh.

Why is everyone so desperate to keep BIL on side?

6 months to me is nothing!

I disagree with most of these comments. At the end of the day, this is between BIL and ex SIL, it's not your battle and to become part of it will only cause ructions in your family. He is allowed to have a new partner, whether he went about it the right way or not.

You can still have a good relationship with your ex-SIL while being civil to BIL and his new partner.

Why are they desperate to keep him on side? Because he's their actual family? Don't most people not want to fall out with their brother/son?

The whole "mother of your grandchildren" thing is daft. He's the father of her grandchildren. I don't agree that OP is being "too supportive" but the idea that the primary relationship after a split with grandchildren involved should be the wife and not their other parent - your child - because she is "the mother of your grandchildren" is just bizarre.

It's none of your business though is it. You've been fed one side of a story via your sil so you think it's all him. Their marriage was probably going down the pan anyway, although it is painful for the ex wife to see her husband move on so quickly, it's not for you to judge. He may well marry this woman and have more kids, at somepoint you will accept her and their children. Your husband's brother will always be his brother and in his life but his ex wife might not always be your friend, he's still family she isn't, so no point being nasty to his new woman who has just fallen for someone. She hasn't done anything wrong, she may well become a permenant member of your extended family.

I think this is tricky all round, because he may not be your family, but he is your husband's family, and your ex-SIL isn't and never was. So really it was probably a mistake to get that close to her in the first place as there was always a reasonable chance that they'd have finished, whatever the circumstances - nearly half of all marriages end in divorce, it was basically 50-50 from the start!

But as you did that's probably made it more awkward than it would have been otherwise. It's hard to detach yourself from negative feelings towards someone you think has hurt one of your friends (I say think because unless you're in a relationship, you don't really know what goes on behind closed doors - you certainly don't actually know his perspective, and you've never met his new partner so you couldn't possibly know hers either).

You know that your husband would never choose someone who is not a sibling over one of his siblings, even if the relationship finishing is their fault. So you know although you're not obligated to go to this meal, you also kind of are, because your husband is YOUR family and this is his family, and he would be unhappy if you didn't. Probably in the same way you would be unhappy with him him if the roles were reversed and he didn't come with you to support you.

In the end though it's your choice, you can either go, or not go. If you choose to go then you know you'll need to suck it up and be polite. If you can't do that, then it's probably better if you don't go, but you'll have to deal with the fact that your husband will be unhappy, and it may make your position in his family untenable, which could harm your relationship in the long run.

Whichever way you go at least you know you won't be making the same mistake of getting too close to the in-law of an in-law again. Even an in-law should be avoided as a mate, if you and your husband split it would just make life uncomfortable for everyone, so best avoided - keep it simple, polite, and at an arm's length!

You have no proof that this woman was the OW - just speculation and gossip. She may have done absolutely nothing wrong.

You also have no idea what was going on in BIL/SIL marriage. Anyone is entitled to leave a relationship in they are unhappy.

You would make an absolute twat of yourself sitting there asking passive aggressive questions about his children.

This new girlfriend may be in his life long term now. You can be civil to her and still friends with your SIL. You may, shock horror, end up friends with both of them.

It's really not a big deal to go to dinner with your DH brother and meet her. How would you feel if it was your brother? Because if it was mine I wouldn't tolerate DH refusing to meet up with him again or being a cock to him at dinner. Is it worth your own relationship suffering as well?

I had similar but not family.

close friend and her husband - were having a few issues mainly cause by him moving his vile mil in on a temporary basis and then 3 years later she was still there and he refused to ask her to leave.

she wanted space and to repair the marriage (she was and did nothing wrong) she moved into a friends annex and did all the school runs etc and saw her children daily.

meanwhile - he slept with her best friend and moved her best friend in 🤦‍♀️within days - her best friend was actually someone who worked with her but wasn’t her direct line manager. My friend behaved with absolute dignity and never ever did anything to hurt the children or her ex but did stop talking to her friend Other than a needs must at work and always made sure she had other people around.

my friend struggled with the betrayal and has now moved an hour away back home and pays CMS not only for her child but her old step daughter too etc and has her child eow etc

my friends ex goes everywhere with his new partner - they are joined at the hip, parents evenings for children that aren’t hers, school fetes and so on.

I barely talk to him (he ex) but our children are friends and I will make polite conversation at the school if needs must but I can not bring myself to speak to his new partner and my friends ex best friend - I just cant.

so I avoid her and so do all the other parents. It’s a nice village but I cant see there is any way for them to be accepted.

I would not be forced by your DH to do anything. You are an adult. You choose.
No DH I will not meet your brother and his OW. I have a far stronger friend with Jane and a great deal more respect for her.

This. Honestly, OP, I get that you’re heartbroken on behalf of your SIL, but it helps no one for you to be performing outrage at a sibling dinner, especially as you can’t know what really went on. And a lot of marriages end, often in complex circumstances. It’s unlikely to be the only time you’ll have to deal with this, and next time, the person you love and are closest to may be the one who had the affair, or ended a marriage out of the blue.

😂All of this is so true

I'm old so have lived through the break up of many marriages of friends and family. YANBU to feel awkward - it's always tricky meeting a new partner especially if you have opinions about the break up or still maintain a strong relationship with the ex.

HOWEVER - no one knows what goes on inside someone else's marriage largely because it's none of our business. We might have gut feelings or negative opinions but it still doesn't make another persons relationship choices our business.

I think your initial decision to turn up and be cordial and polite to the new partner is the correct one. She might be nice. They might turn out to be happy for the rest of their lives together and his first marriage was the mistake.

My own mum left her first husband (my bio dad) when I was a year old and ran away with one of his friends. This was in the 1960s and her Irish Catholic family were scandalised, very few of them spoke to her or the new man for years. She ended up marrying the friend who adopted me. He became my much loved dad and they were very happy together until his untimely death 30 years later. Luckily mum's family came around when they saw how happy they were and what a wonderful man he was. Sadly my new dad's family never accepted it, he had committed the double whammy of not just taking up with a married woman but a papist married woman - but that's another story!

You're just going to have to accept what is done is done. Don't punish the new girlfriend if you're still OK seeing BIL. Be civil. The new girlfriend might stick around and be a really positive person to have in the neices life I expect she's feeling very nervous about it too. Imagine she's just one of those awkward clients at work

I was NOT the OW but one of my now SIL was very cool with me when I met my DHs family because she was still friends with exW.

Fast forward a few years, she's no longer friends with exW and wants to play nice with me. It's a no from me. I'm perfectly polite but totally uninterested in spending time with her one to one. That's on her. She was rude and showed me her true colours early on. So tread carefully in terms of future relationships...

Completely this.

Other peoples relationships aren’t your business. You don’t know the ins and outs of BILs relationship with his ex wife or his new partner and likely never will. You don’t have to become friends with this woman but it’s unfair to judge her and decide to dislike her before you’ve even met when you don’t know the full story. She might be in the family a long time, she and BIL may go on to marry or have children who will be your DHs Nieces/ nephews just as the twins are. This woman may be part of the family for decades so be careful not to act in a way now, whilst the hurt and anger is raw, that shapes the future relationship in a way you can’t come back from.

It’s lovely to read messages like this. I’m in the same situation as the SIL in this story , my husband walked out on me and his three kids to be with OW after 20 years of marriage.

He sees his kids about 6 times a year for a few hours. He doesn’t pay child support. But his family have apparently welcome his affair partner with open arms. It’s awful for my kids, they are devastated that none of their aunts / uncles/ cousins / GP have contacted us since he left.

Its a difficult one to navigate, especially as you have grown close to the former partner. DS1 and his wife of 10 years separated in 2021. It had taken a lot to get to know my DIL but we ended up quite close and I was very fond of her.
Last year he introduced a new girlfriend to us, I am at all times polite she is quite nice, but again I don't really know her. She is obviously very serious about DS and she has asked him to marry her when his divorce is finalised!!
Its obvious she is going to be part of my family and I will try to get to know her better, but I do miss my former DIL, and do keep in touch with her.
I would suggest OP that for the sake of family harmony you are polite, bide your time and see how things go.
Do you still keep in regular touch with your former SIL and your nieces, if so is your BIL aware of this?

Why are they desperate to keep him on side? Because he's their actual family? Don't most people not want to fall out with their brother/son?

The whole "mother of your grandchildren" thing is daft. He's the father of her grandchildren. I don't agree that OP is being "too supportive" but the idea that the primary relationship after a split with grandchildren involved should be the wife and not their other parent - your child - because she is "the mother of your grandchildren" is just bizarre.

Yes you are right & I have worded it badly.

It's just that they sound so dismissive of SIL.

If your loyalties are with SIL, try to remember the new woman doesnt know what BIL is like yet anday well be in for a rough ride. She could be a nice person who has also been caught up in lies.

She could be a future close friend, despite her poor judgement of BIL for his behaviour.