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Original poster

To feel weird about meeting BIL’s new girlfriend

345 replies

vibecheck · 11/06/2023 00:45

I want to preface this with I know that I’m being unreasonable, but I just need to rant and hopefully get some advice from some women who’ve been through similar…

My BIL (husband’s brother) left his wife and twin girls 6 months ago, for another woman. It was a classic situation of he said there wasn’t another woman, and some people in the family (cough - MIL - cough) believe there wasn’t another woman, but he immediately started seeing a woman who he worked with and now they live together.

I know my BIL’s ex-wife more as a friend than anything else. She was bridesmaid at my wedding, we are very close. At the time of the split she told me a lot of things as a friend that have coloured my view of BIL and of his new girlfriend. It’s been hard to navigate being her friend and DH’s wife/member of his family during this time because of the complications of the split and crossover of women.

Anyway - we’re meeting BIL and his new girlfriend this week. I’ve been civil with BIL since the split despite my private feelings because he’s DH’s family, but I am dreading this meeting. I will be polite because I always am, but I just hate the idea of sitting having dinner with someone I know was the other woman and caused someone I love so much hurt (not to mention the disruption to my gorgeous nieces!) . I know I have to do it for DH and I will do it, it’s just going to be a difficult evening where I’ll be keeping my gob shut!

Anyone had to do similar and have any advice?

OP posts:
Grumpy101 · 12/06/2023 23:22

"Saying all this... personally I'd just go and say nothing and be invisible and then just bitch to the ex SIL when I got home 😆."

Pretty much this

SherlockStones · 12/06/2023 23:47

The situation sucks but what if they go on to have children together?

Will you treat them differently because they aren't the children of your friend?

You don't have to be her best friend but if she is there to stay you're just causing yourself long term issues if you can't bring yourself to be civil.

Michellelovesizzy · 13/06/2023 07:39

I wouldn’t entertain it at all Op. i would tell my partner you go out and met them. I am to old to be in situations or around people that make me uncomfortable fuck that. If you don’t want to do met them then don’t. You also should be brave and just tell your BIL that you just don’t want to met her tbh 6 months isn’t very long

Bunbuns3 · 13/06/2023 07:41

Sorry she won't be a nice woman. You already know this because she does not mind destroying a family. I couldn't do it.

SnozPoz · 13/06/2023 11:23

I can understand your allegiance with the ex, but remember if there was a crossover of relationships it was your BIL who was in the wrong... he knew he was married, the new girlfriend maybe didn't... so be angry with him, not her.

Mikki77 · 13/06/2023 14:38

What an awful situation.

Happened with my brother in law BUT he didn't stay with the 'affair' women. There were many women after that. I wish I'd put my foot down and said NO at the start. I met 6 different women before he settled down again. My sons think he is a joke, god only knows what his children think of him???
Personally I wish Id been more honest and said 'no Im not ready to meet the women you left your children for.'

LadyBird1973 · 13/06/2023 17:25

I've not read the whole thread yet, but when you see this play out in families it very clearly demonstrates who is real family and who isn't - if things went sideways with your husband, his mum and family would cut you out in a heartbeat! That bears thinking about when deciding where your loyalties lie.
^
You are your dh's wife - not an extension of him. If you think this family gathering is morally repugnant then exercise your right not to condone it! Your husband has no right to hold anything against you and if he would then I think you have the infamous dh problem!^

candlesflamesandbrooms · 13/06/2023 18:59

Bunbuns3 · 13/06/2023 07:41

Sorry she won't be a nice woman. You already know this because she does not mind destroying a family. I couldn't do it.

Buns as much as I agree with you re the women. But we don't actually know if this women knew this guy was married

However op does know factually that the husband knew he was married and broke his vows. The hatred solely on the women is reliably boring for a man who definitely is 100 accountable.

Women don't cast a spell and a married man sticks their dick inside of her and didn't know what they were doing.

Christ alive

whynotwhatknot · 13/06/2023 21:04

i wuolnt have a cosy meal with them no

but then again i wouldnt be talking to my bil either hes the one that done this

LadyBird1973 · 14/06/2023 08:54

@candlesflamesandbrooms even if she didn't know initially that the guy was married, she knows now!
They are both scummy and I wouldn't be pretending I'm alright with it. I get that dh doesn't want to cut off his brother and I have sympathy with that - I'd love mine even if they did shitty things. But I wouldn't expect other people (including my spouse) to love them or endorse shitty behaviour.
You're his wife, not his spare rib - do what you think is right, but what your husband tells you to do!

aSofaNearYou · 14/06/2023 09:05

LadyBird1973 · 14/06/2023 08:54

@candlesflamesandbrooms even if she didn't know initially that the guy was married, she knows now!
They are both scummy and I wouldn't be pretending I'm alright with it. I get that dh doesn't want to cut off his brother and I have sympathy with that - I'd love mine even if they did shitty things. But I wouldn't expect other people (including my spouse) to love them or endorse shitty behaviour.
You're his wife, not his spare rib - do what you think is right, but what your husband tells you to do!

If she didn't know it was an affair while he was still with his ex (if it was an affair, which we don't know) then she is no more a bad person for forgiving him for that deception than somebody whose spouse had an affair and they decided to stay with them would be.

LadyBird1973 · 14/06/2023 09:28

@aSofaNearYou that's not really a fair comparison - a wife who forgives her h is forgiving a great wrong done to her, a betrayal of years of history and meaningful commitment. Often with children in the mix too. It's a huge thing to forgive. I don't see that as comparable to a woman forgiving a man for a few months of lies, where they have no history together.
Don't get he wrong, I think she's a fool for forgiving such a lie - if this is how he starts a relationship it doesn't bode well for the future. Men who are so comfortable lying are not a good bet. But the ow is forgiving a minor wrong done to her when compared to the greater wrong of deceiving their life partner, to whom they have legal and moral commitments and shared children.

aSofaNearYou · 14/06/2023 09:35

LadyBird1973 · 14/06/2023 09:28

@aSofaNearYou that's not really a fair comparison - a wife who forgives her h is forgiving a great wrong done to her, a betrayal of years of history and meaningful commitment. Often with children in the mix too. It's a huge thing to forgive. I don't see that as comparable to a woman forgiving a man for a few months of lies, where they have no history together.
Don't get he wrong, I think she's a fool for forgiving such a lie - if this is how he starts a relationship it doesn't bode well for the future. Men who are so comfortable lying are not a good bet. But the ow is forgiving a minor wrong done to her when compared to the greater wrong of deceiving their life partner, to whom they have legal and moral commitments and shared children.

Yes, but surely it's even more natural to forgive someone for wronging someone else you don't even know, than for wronging you? I'd find it strange to expect otherwise.

Yes there are minor differences, including the length of the relationship, but essentially they are both forgiving a man for cheating behind their back. Neither is more morally repugnant than the other.

whumpthereitis · 14/06/2023 09:36

We don’t know there was an affair at all. The wife assumes there was, but people can and do start new relationships quickly after ending another.

obie1 · 14/06/2023 09:44

whumpthereitis · 14/06/2023 09:36

We don’t know there was an affair at all. The wife assumes there was, but people can and do start new relationships quickly after ending another.

Pull the other one 🙄

LadyBird1973 · 14/06/2023 09:52

Well of course there's a difference. A wife is forgiving a wrong done to her by the man. The ow is also forgiving a wrong done to the wife by the man!

Being cheated on and colluding in the cheating by being the ow are not the same thing.
Personally I consider it scummy to have sex with someone else's spouse and I couldn't build a life with a man who was happy to cheat on his wife and leave his children in these circumstances.

whumpthereitis · 14/06/2023 09:53

obie1 · 14/06/2023 09:44

Pull the other one 🙄

Show quote history

What other one?

We don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don’t know that he didn’t any more than you know that he did, so i’m not going to assume either way. Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t. If he didn’t though, then what exactly did the ‘ow’ do other than start a relationship with a single man?

Of course affair or not you can consider someone an arsehole for leaving their wife shortly after the birth of their children, but that’s something he did, not her.

namechangenacy · 14/06/2023 09:57

LadyBird1973 · 14/06/2023 08:54

@candlesflamesandbrooms even if she didn't know initially that the guy was married, she knows now!
They are both scummy and I wouldn't be pretending I'm alright with it. I get that dh doesn't want to cut off his brother and I have sympathy with that - I'd love mine even if they did shitty things. But I wouldn't expect other people (including my spouse) to love them or endorse shitty behaviour.
You're his wife, not his spare rib - do what you think is right, but what your husband tells you to do!

Ok but that's a false equivalency.

Look I have been the wife (now ex obviously) and I save up my venom for the man who cheated on me and our living child at the most painful time of our lives (he cheated after the loss of our son). Yes I left him while I was pregnant with my now dd and yes I had pregnancies back to back. I found out what he was doingwhile I was pregnant with dd.

A stranger doesn't owe me the same amount that my husband did.

The ow is no more at fault than my ex for doing what they did. However he is more at fault because he made choices in the moment with the full facts and was able to fully consent. She was not.

I latterly found out that my dd now sm (the ow) didn't even know about my son. My ex hadn't told her, my daughter mentioned visiting her big brothers grave with me in passing. She was horrified but she consented based on limited information and I don't begrudge her that. He knew. He knew it all.

She is also far to good for my ex imo and kindly to my dd. That's all I ask. Targeting all your venom at the ow is letting a man who had all the information off the hook.

Side note - Has anyone realised that maybe the ex wife, just wants the drama to end and actually since her world has just shattered, people saying "I take your side" and pulling this type of crap is making her have to not only her emotions but theirs as well ?

I can tell you it's exhausting and humiliating people forever reminding you one way or another that this thing happened.

Fml

aSofaNearYou · 14/06/2023 10:01

LadyBird1973 · 14/06/2023 09:52

Well of course there's a difference. A wife is forgiving a wrong done to her by the man. The ow is also forgiving a wrong done to the wife by the man!

Being cheated on and colluding in the cheating by being the ow are not the same thing.
Personally I consider it scummy to have sex with someone else's spouse and I couldn't build a life with a man who was happy to cheat on his wife and leave his children in these circumstances.

But you've reverted back to talking as if she knew. We're talking about if she didn't know.

There is no reason why it would be more of an issue to forgive someone for hurting somebody else, than for hurting you. You are forgiving the same act and both hurt parties are equally worthy and should not have been treated that way.

LadyBird1973 · 14/06/2023 10:12

I certainly wouldn't hold the ow as more responsible than the husband. Absolutely not. But I stand by my view that it's scummy to sleep with a married man . And this woman does know now that he was married and had children. It's different to starting a relationship with someone who has ended their marriage honestly and with dignity. If he was okay with lying about them to the ow, then she deserves better and in staying with him is setting herself up for life with a liar and a cheat. And if she did know, then she's colluded in the cheating, which is skanky behaviour.
Either way I don't think bil or his new gf can reasonably expect other people to endorse their relationship.

LadyBird1973 · 14/06/2023 10:18

I guess this does come down to whether you believe that the man left his wife and children and by sheer coincidence just happened to meet his new gf immediately after!

whumpthereitis · 14/06/2023 10:57

LadyBird1973 · 14/06/2023 10:18

I guess this does come down to whether you believe that the man left his wife and children and by sheer coincidence just happened to meet his new gf immediately after!

I don’t think it’s outside the realm of possibility, no. Hell, he could have been interested in her but instead of cheating he did what people advise - leave his current relationship before starting a new one.

What I ultimately think is that I don’t know these people, and assuming/believing something is different to actually knowing something.

LadyBird1973 · 14/06/2023 11:28

I would be very surprised if there was no crossover, but even if he did leave his wife before starting a new relationship, it doesn't change the fact that OP is friends with her sister in law, and doesn't want to endorse this new relationship and play happy families. And she shouldn't have to, just because her dh and mil want her to. The OP has a right to do what she feels is morally right.

BorneoBound · 14/06/2023 11:36

Not with family members but been through this with friends. It was awkward as hell, but 10 years on it's all forgotten and we get along ok.

whumpthereitis · 14/06/2023 11:45

LadyBird1973 · 14/06/2023 11:28

I would be very surprised if there was no crossover, but even if he did leave his wife before starting a new relationship, it doesn't change the fact that OP is friends with her sister in law, and doesn't want to endorse this new relationship and play happy families. And she shouldn't have to, just because her dh and mil want her to. The OP has a right to do what she feels is morally right.

Obviously OP can do what she likes, but she has to weigh up potentially upsetting her friend, and upsetting her husband and in-laws.

Personally I would be annoyed at my husband deciding to play captain moral with my brother and family, especially if he had already demonstrated his ability to be civil with the person who actually left the marriage.