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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel weird about meeting BIL’s new girlfriend

345 replies

vibecheck · 11/06/2023 00:45

I want to preface this with I know that I’m being unreasonable, but I just need to rant and hopefully get some advice from some women who’ve been through similar…

My BIL (husband’s brother) left his wife and twin girls 6 months ago, for another woman. It was a classic situation of he said there wasn’t another woman, and some people in the family (cough - MIL - cough) believe there wasn’t another woman, but he immediately started seeing a woman who he worked with and now they live together.

I know my BIL’s ex-wife more as a friend than anything else. She was bridesmaid at my wedding, we are very close. At the time of the split she told me a lot of things as a friend that have coloured my view of BIL and of his new girlfriend. It’s been hard to navigate being her friend and DH’s wife/member of his family during this time because of the complications of the split and crossover of women.

Anyway - we’re meeting BIL and his new girlfriend this week. I’ve been civil with BIL since the split despite my private feelings because he’s DH’s family, but I am dreading this meeting. I will be polite because I always am, but I just hate the idea of sitting having dinner with someone I know was the other woman and caused someone I love so much hurt (not to mention the disruption to my gorgeous nieces!) . I know I have to do it for DH and I will do it, it’s just going to be a difficult evening where I’ll be keeping my gob shut!

Anyone had to do similar and have any advice?

OP posts:
Dazedandbemused0 · 11/06/2023 02:56

I honestly don’t think I’d go…

Dazedandbemused0 · 11/06/2023 02:59

Scrap that, I definitely wouldn’t go.

You don’t need to have cosy dinners with you BIL and his affair partner in order to be a good wife. If SIL was a friend of mine, especially a friend close enough to be my bridesmaid; there’s not a chance I’d go and meet BIL and AP. I’d consider it disloyal to my friend.

Your husband can meet his brother, that’s his decision. But you’re not being a bad wife if you don’t go. I don’t know about you, but my wedding vows said nothing about condoning awful behaviour, pretending everything is fine, and meeting up with siblings and affair partners for meals.

Grumpusaurus · 11/06/2023 03:01

Also, it doesn't really present your in laws in a very good light how they are happy to abandon their daughter-in-law and pander to the OW. That could happen to you down the line. Stand up for yourself and your friend.

Dazedandbemused0 · 11/06/2023 03:04

And honestly how dare your husband ‘never forgive you’ if you don’t go through with it? He’s putting you in a situation that you’re not comfortable with, and that will mean betraying close friend of yours. Guarantee he’s only making you go because he doesn’t want to go anyway, and if you’re there it will be less awkward. If not - if he genuinely thinks it okay to go and be all pally - I’d be a bit worried about his morals. Also as a PP said, it’s a bit worrying for you how quick the whole family are to banish an ex wife and welcome in the affair partner. At least know know how much they value you and SIL in the family now 😡 Ugh. I’m angry on your (and her!) behalf.

Borracha · 11/06/2023 03:06

I was the niece in this situation and how readily accepting and welcoming my dad’s family were to his ‘new’ girlfriend was honestly one of the hardest and most hurtful parts of the whole situation.

It really changed how I felt about my grandparents, aunt and uncle.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 11/06/2023 03:06

I personally wouldn't socialize with the ow out of loyalty to my friend.

Dontcareforthehaters · 11/06/2023 03:13

OP, you sound like a lovely and loyal friend. Everyone needs a 'you' on their team. I can totally understand where you are coming from and the fact that you find this situation difficult/awkward says a lot about you in a positive way. As others have said, you could come down with a terrible migraine or other illness the night before and then oh dear, you can no longer attend. Your BIL and his side piece may end up living out theirs lives together but only time will tell.

Either way, I definitely don't think that you are being unreasonable.

Gracewithoutend · 11/06/2023 03:17

Six months is quite a long time. You have to meet her some time. Your husband is never going to disown his brother. I know I wouldn't disown mine. So you have to move on. No matter how your in-laws handle it, you can still stay friends with your sil while socialising with your bil.
I think this is such a common dynamic of split families.

rosyvalentine · 11/06/2023 03:29

Dazedandbemused0 · 11/06/2023 02:59

Scrap that, I definitely wouldn’t go.

You don’t need to have cosy dinners with you BIL and his affair partner in order to be a good wife. If SIL was a friend of mine, especially a friend close enough to be my bridesmaid; there’s not a chance I’d go and meet BIL and AP. I’d consider it disloyal to my friend.

Your husband can meet his brother, that’s his decision. But you’re not being a bad wife if you don’t go. I don’t know about you, but my wedding vows said nothing about condoning awful behaviour, pretending everything is fine, and meeting up with siblings and affair partners for meals.

Exactly this.

Mommyofvikings · 11/06/2023 04:12

Have you asked the ex SIL/friend what she would want you to do?

I couldn't go there and be nice. I'd make my husband very aware of this (however, he knows me very well and wouldn't even try to get me to be)

I'd speak to my SIL and see what she says. You can discuss it as mates and you never know, she might want you to go. It could be very informative 😊

Yiayi · 11/06/2023 04:19

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

standardduck · 11/06/2023 04:20

I wouldn't go and my DH would not force me.

I think your DH is being unfair. You don't have to have a close relationship with your BIL and his new GF.

JandalsAlways · 11/06/2023 04:24

Gosh that's hard given ex SIL is your friend. Just keep it civil and limit contact to necessary group visits. Normally I'm not judgemental in these situations but I would find it difficult being close to his ex.

JandalsAlways · 11/06/2023 04:25

Agree with PP. Don't ignore, be civil and normal. You don't have to be besties with new GF, but you can be nice. Also remember you do only have ex SIL side of the story too.

Pyewhacket · 11/06/2023 05:59

There's no point in making a drama out of it because it won't change anything and you'll just embarrass yourself. At the end of the day, it is his brother, and he hasn't broken the law or farted in church. I'd be careful being too partisan over somebody else's matrimonial warfare - as ppl have said, not your circus, not your monkey.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 11/06/2023 06:40

I didn’t mean to select YABU, because you definitely aren’t.

you’re a better woman than me, because I’d refuse to sit there and make small talk!

let us know how it goes. Good luck x

Babsexxx · 11/06/2023 06:49

Sorry op but I’d be opting out of this one why would your husband never forgive you? I suggest he redirects his energy your mil sounds a absolute delight too! I can’t say that if my boys done that they’d have my full backing infact they would have the exact opposite and people giving examples of how they’ve remained with these partners many years o yes they can do but best believe when I say there will be a lot of problems behind closed doors!

My grandad done it and left for another woman was with her many years but it was very much a show there was absolutely no trust! So they pretty much stayed together for a front and to prove it worked even though it was miserable.

BuddhaAtSea · 11/06/2023 06:51

I would go. And then talk about the twins. Oh, BIL, did you see them recently? They grow so fast.
Tired? Oh it must be so hard with the twins, do you know, do they synchronise their sleep yet?

Got any holiday plans? Oh, the girls would love a week in the sun, I’m sure.

New girlfriend, do you plan on having children?

And then pause.

If they snap at you, just very sweetly say: those kids are part of our family, are very much loved, I don’t understand, why can’t we talk about them?

If it was my brother he wouldn’t fucking dare bring her, we’d all shred him to pieces. It’s not the girlfriend’s fault.

Popetthetreehugger · 11/06/2023 07:03

30+ years ago , my H left for the other woman . My FIL smiled and got a puppy that he named a very recognisable shortened version of my name 🤣 for 15 years he took delight in making a big fuss of his favourite dog ( had loads ) with lots of isn’t poppet the absolute best ? Seriously, keep at arms length , but the long game is making sure she’s a good step mum . You could in time play a blinder for your nieces and dear friend . Good luck x

RedRiverSun · 11/06/2023 07:09

It's not worth it. Just go and be polite. You'd be causing drama that will only hurt your DH. It won't help ex-SIL one bit. I don't understand people who think they get to be judge and jury of other peoples lives.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 11/06/2023 07:25

I’d be very quiet, extremely cool and offer nothing to the conversation except answers to questions.

Your MIL having a go at your for not being supportive enough to her cheating cunt of a son, and too supportive to the woman and twin daughters he ditched, is fucking obscene.

What a family.

RedRosette2023 · 11/06/2023 07:31

I don’t know why you’ve saved this for the OW. It was BIL who was married.

JennyForeigner · 11/06/2023 07:35

We were also in this position as kids. My grandmother chose my mum. She never didn't have a loving and close relationship with my dad and saw his partners, but to the end of her long life was as much ex-MIL and nanna as she was a mother.

And she was very open about how she saw my dad's actions. She lost nothing by it, but kept her integrity, and probably a more secure genuine relationship with him over time.

OP: I think you can push back with your MIL if she pushes you. Why does it all have to be happy families before people have a chance to heal?

JennyForeigner · 11/06/2023 07:36

RedRosette2023 · 11/06/2023 07:31

I don’t know why you’ve saved this for the OW. It was BIL who was married.

Integrity is not a zero sum game.

UsethisUsername · 11/06/2023 07:42

At some point you will need to meet her if they stay together but it doesn’t have to be now. I think you should be firm with your DH and say you aren’t ready to meet her yet and if you’re forced to do so you certainly won’t be on your best behaviour. He can meet up with his asshole brother if he likes. You don’t have to.

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