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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for telling my MIL she can't go on a holiday?

248 replies

0MammaBear0 · 10/06/2023 18:39

I'm expecting my 3rd baby on late September, my other 2 children are aged 3 and 1.5 and I'm planning a homebirth. My MIL very kindly volunteered to take the children when I go into labour.

This morning she sent me a text asking if it would be okay for her to go on a holiday on mid September, and while my due date is for late September it wouldn't be unlikely that my baby could be born at 38 weeks. I told her I would rather if she didn't and I asked her if she could go on early September instead, which she said she can't.

I must add my previous 2 births were very quick, my first one was 8h and my second one was under 1h (!), and a woman who has had a very quick birth (under 3h) before is more likely for that to happen again. My husband works in the city and both him and the midwives would take 1h or so to get to me, while my MIL can get to me in half that time. Without her not only I wouldn't have anyone to take my children but also if my labour went as fast as my previous one while my husband is working I could be left all alone with 2 very small children. I don't have anyone else to rely on than her as my family are living in a different country. AIBU?

OP posts:
MiddleParking · 10/06/2023 18:41

You can’t make her do anything but I would be absolutely gutted about this.

Ffsmakeitstop · 10/06/2023 18:41

I think you are. If you need to ring for an ambulance.

Partyatno10 · 10/06/2023 18:43

Can't DH take some holiday from work whilst she's away, so he's local if you do go into labour?

Finefinefine · 10/06/2023 18:43

Yeah , maternity taxis 🙄

rightioly · 10/06/2023 18:43

Your husband can apply for parental leave for the time your mum is away and then paternity leave once baby is here. Job done.

toomuchlaundry · 10/06/2023 18:43

Do you have neighbours? Where is your nearest maternity unit?

toomuchlaundry · 10/06/2023 18:44

Can your DH WFH?

rightioly · 10/06/2023 18:44

Partyatno10 · 10/06/2023 18:43

Can't DH take some holiday from work whilst she's away, so he's local if you do go into labour?

Yeah that's the obvious answer really.

GoodChat · 10/06/2023 18:45

Ffsmakeitstop · 10/06/2023 18:41

I think you are. If you need to ring for an ambulance.

And the children?

OP I think your DH should book annual leave while she goes on holiday. Bless her for asking - she sounds fab.

toomuchlaundry · 10/06/2023 18:45

Is your MIL not intending to go anywhere further than 30 minutes away in the latter part of September?

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 10/06/2023 18:45

I think it depends when your other 2 were born. So, for example, all 3 of mine were 42 weekers. I didn’t stop work with number 3 until 39+6 because I knew the chances of them being born before their due date were unlikely.

so, if you’ve had 2 children born at 42 weeks, I think that massively reduces your chances of having one at 37 weeks. Both at 38 weeks? Not so much.

rightioly · 10/06/2023 18:46

Is there a reason your husband has decided he can't take the time off?

MiddleParking · 10/06/2023 18:48

GoodChat · 10/06/2023 18:45

And the children?

OP I think your DH should book annual leave while she goes on holiday. Bless her for asking - she sounds fab.

Show quote history

No she doesn’t Confused she sounds like she’s flaked on a really important agreement.

TidyDancer · 10/06/2023 18:49

Well you can be disappointed but of course you can't tell her what to do or not do. It would make sense for your DH to either take annual leave or work from home while she's away. Can he do that?

Original poster
0MammaBear0 · 10/06/2023 18:49

I haven't prohibited from going anywhere, I told her I'd rather if she didn't and suggested that she could go at another date. She said she understood and didn't get upset.

OP posts:
Hollyppp · 10/06/2023 18:50

I would be honest and say she can but it might fray your nerves a bit and could leave you in a tricky spot. Otherwise I would suggest leaving children with husband / childcare and going to hospital to have a hospital birth

PaigeMatthews · 10/06/2023 18:51

rightioly · 10/06/2023 18:46

Is there a reason your husband has decided he can't take the time off?

Presumably he is waiting for her to give birth to start jus paternity leave

Original poster
0MammaBear0 · 10/06/2023 18:52

Last time my daughter was born in under 1h, we rang both the midwives and the ambulance and neither of them were able to get here on time. Luckily it was late at night and my husband was with me otherwise I'd have been completely alone to deliver her. And I'm at a higher risk for it to happen again, which I'm not risking either getting in a car and having to give birth in the middle of a motorway.

OP posts:
Original poster
0MammaBear0 · 10/06/2023 18:53

No, he can't. We already planned on the premise my MIL would be available and he's already asked days off around the year

OP posts:
Maloneyb · 10/06/2023 18:53

I’d be asking husband to work from
home while MIL goes on holiday.

Original poster
0MammaBear0 · 10/06/2023 18:54

His company only allows paternity leave after the baby is born, not before

OP posts:
SophieStew · 10/06/2023 18:55

My DM did this to me and it meant I didn’t get to have the home birth I had dreamed of with DS. I never forgave her as she did it deliberately.

Anyway, agree with PP. all you can do is get DH to cover the time MIL has flaked on.

SunbathingDragon · 10/06/2023 18:55

Given your birth last time, you’d do better to fully prepare to give birth alone this time anyway. Even if your MIL doesn’t go away, she might well not be able to get to you in time anyway.

An ambulance won’t take you in unless there are complications and you’d still need childcare for your younger two.

The other answer is, as above, for your DH to make sure he is available during your last few weeks whether he takes annual leave or works from home.

What home preparations do you have?

Original poster
0MammaBear0 · 10/06/2023 18:56

I have neighbours that, assuming they're at home, I could ask them to care for my kids in an emergency. But they're not family nor friends and could perfectly refuse to do so. And my nearest hospital/maternity unit is over 40 min away with good traffic. We only have one car and my husband takes it to go to work, and even then I wouldn't get in a car knowing that I could very likely give birth on my way there.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 10/06/2023 18:57

So mil is never going to be more than 30m away for last 2w of sept

Unless she moved in for those 2w there is always a chance you may not have someone to have the kids

She could be in the shower when it happens and not get to uou in time

Unless you pay for childcare for those 2w while she is away and dh at work