AIBU for telling my MIL she can't go on a holiday?

[0MammaBear0]

I'm expecting my 3rd baby on late September, my other 2 children are aged 3 and 1.5 and I'm planning a homebirth. My MIL very kindly volunteered to take the children when I go into labour.

This morning she sent me a text asking if it would be okay for her to go on a holiday on mid September, and while my due date is for late September it wouldn't be unlikely that my baby could be born at 38 weeks. I told her I would rather if she didn't and I asked her if she could go on early September instead, which she said she can't.

I must add my previous 2 births were very quick, my first one was 8h and my second one was under 1h (!), and a woman who has had a very quick birth (under 3h) before is more likely for that to happen again. My husband works in the city and both him and the midwives would take 1h or so to get to me, while my MIL can get to me in half that time. Without her not only I wouldn't have anyone to take my children but also if my labour went as fast as my previous one while my husband is working I could be left all alone with 2 very small children. I don't have anyone else to rely on than her as my family are living in a different country. AIBU?

Op could your mum visit for a bit?

What other family does DH have, FIL, Aunties, Uncles, siblings, cousins?
Have you not made any friends at baby groups. I'm sure if you ask around your mum friends someone may be willing to help if you are stuck

Yes, but in another thread, you mention that your DH sometimes does WFH, so why can't he WFH during those times?

So, you think it’s reasonable to expect your MIL for a whole month it so to remain no further than 30 minutes away, not have any alcohol (what if she’s just had 2 glasses of wine when you call that you’ve gone into labour?), drop everything and come a-running, even though she works. Are you expecting her to take unpaid leave? And this is all because the Jan who made this child has such a Very Important Job that he can’t possibly take any time off before the baby is born. It’s all to suit him. You’re married to a selfish idiot.

What’s your plan if your MIL is ill? Or her car won’t start? Or she is somewhere where she can’t use her phone such as a cinema or theatre? Does she have to put her life completely on hold because of your husband? What was the plan sith the first 2 children? Why aren’t you equally annoyed at your own parents for not coming over?

I don't hate MIL at all. My MIL was a lovely lady. My mum was a lovely MIL to my dh. He adored her. Sadly they have MM both passed. Why do you think MIL asked permission? It's because it's obviously risky to go away at 38 weeks for a 3rd dc. Who does that? Books a holiday two weeks before a 3rd dc is really not very sensible. So great, she's not going. She still doesn't come out of this sounding fab.

Why use up holiday (or paternal leave) if you can avoid it. I think your MIL is letting you down.

How is MIL letting her down?

YABU your labour isn’t her responsibility.

I think you have to accept you need to make other plans at that point . We used friends as we have 2 kids and our parents were both 1.5 hours away . I was 2 weeks late so having them here for a month was not good

Tell your husband to take that week off work. Simple. Why should your MIL be on standby for a whole month but not your husband?

By offering to look after the children and then saying she will be away. But I gather that she's not going away any longer?

She sounds like my mother very much selfish and off living her life but you can’t stop her unfortunately

I think you are totally reasonable. You have let her know that you would rather she was around. You would be unreasonable if you made her feel guilty for not being around. It is totally fine to state your preference and also fine for her to do as she sees fit in the knowledge that you would rather she was nearby. Don't worry!

She was never going away. She only asked if it would be ok and OP said no.

That isn't selfish. She's brought up her kids and she's entitled to her own life.

I think she's being selfish actually. I can't believe my mother (or r MIL) would want to be abroad at such a crucial time in her family's life

It's just one holiday and she can book something as soon as baby arrives

Agreed. If anything the OP and her DH are the selfish ones, for expecting the poor MIL to stay at home and put her life on hold for a month.

tell her of course she can go whenever she pleases but you will have to make other arrangements for the imminent arrival of her grandchild due to what has happened previously bt understand if she cant be there, better offer blah .... my mum also planned a holiday just before i was going to give birth, only changed her mind when a neighbour pointed out what a stupid thing she wanted to do!!
Can you get anyone else in the family etc onside?

@Chocolate23

What would you do then? Hire a nanny for 2-3 weeks?

I actually don't know how anyone manages the birth of their second child if close family are not able to step in and help with child one

@canigetitmyself I looked after a friend's DC whilst friend was in hospital having second baby, and another friend took over the second day, as labour was prolonged so her DH was in and out of hospital. Both sets of grandparents lived a long way away and worked so couldn't come down on off chance of friend going into labour.

Yes.

What provision would you have made if MIL didn’t near?

Tbh I think DH needs to step up here, he needs to talk to his DM or his employer. Legally they have to be accommodating for childcare issues. Maybe he could take annual leave or WFH or if all else fails call in sick.

Regardless of the holiday you need to have a back up plan. MIL could be ill and not able to come, in the event she couldn’t (aside from the holiday) what would you do?

If you can afford it see if you can find a birth Doula who lives near to you. They can be on call the week your MIL is away and up until you give birth. They are not medically trained but help with lots of births. Then you have peace of mind that someone will be with you quickly when you go into labour.

It’s not like you haven’t got enough time to make alternative arrangements.
you don’t get to dictate when others go on holiday.