Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for telling my MIL she can't go on a holiday?

248 replies

0MammaBear0 · 10/06/2023 18:39

I'm expecting my 3rd baby on late September, my other 2 children are aged 3 and 1.5 and I'm planning a homebirth. My MIL very kindly volunteered to take the children when I go into labour.

This morning she sent me a text asking if it would be okay for her to go on a holiday on mid September, and while my due date is for late September it wouldn't be unlikely that my baby could be born at 38 weeks. I told her I would rather if she didn't and I asked her if she could go on early September instead, which she said she can't.

I must add my previous 2 births were very quick, my first one was 8h and my second one was under 1h (!), and a woman who has had a very quick birth (under 3h) before is more likely for that to happen again. My husband works in the city and both him and the midwives would take 1h or so to get to me, while my MIL can get to me in half that time. Without her not only I wouldn't have anyone to take my children but also if my labour went as fast as my previous one while my husband is working I could be left all alone with 2 very small children. I don't have anyone else to rely on than her as my family are living in a different country. AIBU?

OP posts:
Signalbox · 10/06/2023 20:29

Can't your DH move his holiday? Maybe his work would allow this for something so important.

rightioly · 10/06/2023 20:29

5128gap · 10/06/2023 20:22

There's something that doesn't sit right with me about your H using all his holiday entitlement as you and he please, leaving nothing left for the birth, then expecting your MiL to lose her holiday. However that was the plan she agreed to, and was after all only asking if it was OK, not announcing her intention to renege. Sounds like if you tell her no she won't go.

Exactly. That didn't sit right with me either.

UpaladderwatchingTV · 10/06/2023 20:29

0MammaBear0 · 10/06/2023 18:49

I haven't prohibited from going anywhere, I told her I'd rather if she didn't and suggested that she could go at another date. She said she understood and didn't get upset.

I don't understand why the OP even bothered to post, having said what she has above. If her MIL isn't upset having been asked not to go away, then I don't see the point of the post really.

However, having said that I still think OP needs to have someone to call in addition to MIL, as it is of course possible that MIL could be ill, or even involved in an accident close to the time, and so still be unable to be on call for the little ones.

rightioly · 10/06/2023 20:32

UpaladderwatchingTV · 10/06/2023 20:29

I don't understand why the OP even bothered to post, having said what she has above. If her MIL isn't upset having been asked not to go away, then I don't see the point of the post really.

However, having said that I still think OP needs to have someone to call in addition to MIL, as it is of course possible that MIL could be ill, or even involved in an accident close to the time, and so still be unable to be on call for the little ones.

Show quote history

Maybe she's second guessing and will ring MIL to tell her actually no that's fine

IDontWantToBeAPie · 10/06/2023 20:32

My MIL went from labour to baby in 45 mins. Plan without an extra person who doesn't live with you

Prettypaisleyslippers · 10/06/2023 20:32

I birthed quickly. How do you feel about a home birth?

Winederlust · 10/06/2023 20:39

OP please explain why how quick your last labour was is relevant in any way? You are asking your MIL to lose out on a holiday (which we have to believe she can't do any other time as she has indicated) on the off-chance you give birth 2 weeks early. But you've not said whether your other children were born early/late/on time. This has far more relevance surely?

It's foolish to have one plan and no back up in this situation. I also don't accept that your DH cannot take emergency leave. You two decided to have a child so if that's what needs to happen in an emergency, tough.

Chances are your MIL will enjoy her holiday and will be back in time to support you. But it would be prudent to have a plan B even if she didn't go away.

Tophy124 · 10/06/2023 20:40

You should plan a hospital birth and your husband needs to take annual leave. Otherwise you risk birthing at home alone anyway and traumatizing your children. Giving birth at home is a privilege not a right.

CovertImage · 10/06/2023 20:41

Whinge · 10/06/2023 19:48

YANBU, MIL made offer and you accepted. She then changed her mind. This is quite unfair and has put you in a difficult situation.

The OPs MIL hasn't changed her mind. Confused She asked if it would be ok to go on holiday before the due date. OP said no, and her MIL understood and didn't get upset. Nothing unfair about it. The OP is in a difficult situation because of her lack of childcare options and DH's work, not because her MIL asked if she could go on holiday and then accepted OPs answer when she said no.

The woman bloody works too! DH can't get time off to help out but MIL is going presumably.

CovertImage · 10/06/2023 20:41

"...is DOING..."

Blondeshavemorefun · 10/06/2023 20:41

What was the point of this post

You asked her not to go

She said she wouldn't

Have you not got any friends at all who can come over - on a rota is need be

A mon
B tue
C wed
A thur

Etx

You have a 3yr surely they go to pre school so you must have some mummy friends

If not as I said previously you pay for childcare

Pasithean · 10/06/2023 20:42

Amuseaboosh · 10/06/2023 19:43

Change your birth plan.

Tell your husband, the father of the baby, to book time off.

Pay for a nanny/doula/au-pair.

Your choice to have a baby as well as a home birth is YOUR choice. Your MIL has every right to live her own life without having to cater to yours.

YABU and very entitled.

Show quote history

This ……: You are very entitled.

MathsNervous · 10/06/2023 20:43

rightioly · 10/06/2023 18:43

Your husband can apply for parental leave for the time your mum is away and then paternity leave once baby is here. Job done.

I was going to suggest that too. There isn't any other way really.

Tophy124 · 10/06/2023 20:45

Pasithean · 10/06/2023 20:42

This ……: You are very entitled.

Show quote history

100%!! Very entitled. Your husband needs to take time off, it’s HIS child. Or pay for childcare like everyone else has to.

Goldbar · 10/06/2023 20:45

In your situation and with your history, even if your MIL didn't want to go on holiday, I'd be lining up neighbours as back-up assistance. Ideally a few who you could send a group message to and hope one was home if you really needed them. They're the ones who are likely to be on the scene if things kick off and then don't go according to plan (baby coming very quickly, MIL phone on silent or can't be contacted). If things are happening very quickly, you may not have 30 minutes or more for your MIL/DH to get to you. So I'd definitely be asking any you know with kids (and trust, obviously) if they might be willing to grab yours and hold onto them for an hour until someone arrives to take over.

Whattodo112222 · 10/06/2023 20:45

Op, do you have any friends? I wouldn't rely on your MIL solely, you need a back up plan if she isn't around.

2bazookas · 10/06/2023 20:46

September; students not back at uni yet.

In your shoes I'd advertise for a local student to come every day in that last fortnight, do a bit of helping round the house /play with the kids, and just "be there" in case you go i9nto labour. Then at least you 'd have someone entertaining the kids while you DIY deliver .

Pollyputthekettleonha · 10/06/2023 20:47

I guess it depends on how long she was planning to go away for, if it's a couple of days then should be fine but if it was two weeks then it would get very close to your due date. Did you go overdue last time or deliver early?
I also think you need to look for more local support as you deliver so quickly; realistically you could have delivered or be nearly there by the time she gets to you as it takes her 30 mins to get there. How well do you get on with your neighbours? Are there any mums you know who live very nearby who would come over? They would only need to look after your kids for 30-40 minutes until MIL gets there so it's not a massive ask.

Wibbleswombats · 10/06/2023 20:54

I was the MIL figure in this scenario. I ended up at family member's house for weeks whilst they carried on doing normal things.

To this day, they have no understanding how disruptive to my life this was. Kid was finally born & their DH moaned about losing money as he had to take leave for the birth...and how untidy the house was when I'd spent ages cleaning.

Get a good plan with people nearby, more than one, it's not fair to lump this on one person, who isn't even that close.

jajajajaja · 10/06/2023 20:57

@GoodChat OP I think your DH should book annual leave while she goes on holiday. Bless her for asking - she sounds fab.

Fab how exactly? Volunteering to do something important then backing out or making it quite possible things will go tits up is far away from fab in my books.

gamerchick · 10/06/2023 21:00

Fighterofthenightman1 · 10/06/2023 20:28

That's very dramatic

Show quote history

It isn't factually?

Whinge · 10/06/2023 21:03

Volunteering to do something important then backing out or making it quite possible things will go tits up is far away from fab in my books.

But she hasn't pulled out. Confused

Once again she asked if she could go on holiday before the due date, OP said no, and OPs MIL has accepted this without argument.

I'm sure some posters on here hate MILs, and are happy to change or even make up a completely new story just to portray the MIL as the villain.

Babsexxx · 10/06/2023 21:05

Yeah yabu your planning a home birth doesn’t really matter if the kids are present there both very young!

Iammetoday · 10/06/2023 21:08

I think dh has to step up here, dont rely on mil abd let her go on hols whenever she likes. This is a you and dh issue- get him to take leave when your due.

Oliotya · 10/06/2023 21:09

YANBU. She'd said she'd help and she can go on holiday literally any other time of year. I don't think it's too much to ask that she doesn't go on holiday that exact month.
Also, people suggesting unpaid leave, nannys etc. What planet are you on? Who really has 24/7 help on hand just in case they go into labour?