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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for telling my MIL she can't go on a holiday?

248 replies

0MammaBear0 · 10/06/2023 18:39

I'm expecting my 3rd baby on late September, my other 2 children are aged 3 and 1.5 and I'm planning a homebirth. My MIL very kindly volunteered to take the children when I go into labour.

This morning she sent me a text asking if it would be okay for her to go on a holiday on mid September, and while my due date is for late September it wouldn't be unlikely that my baby could be born at 38 weeks. I told her I would rather if she didn't and I asked her if she could go on early September instead, which she said she can't.

I must add my previous 2 births were very quick, my first one was 8h and my second one was under 1h (!), and a woman who has had a very quick birth (under 3h) before is more likely for that to happen again. My husband works in the city and both him and the midwives would take 1h or so to get to me, while my MIL can get to me in half that time. Without her not only I wouldn't have anyone to take my children but also if my labour went as fast as my previous one while my husband is working I could be left all alone with 2 very small children. I don't have anyone else to rely on than her as my family are living in a different country. AIBU?

OP posts:
Stelmosfire1 · 10/06/2023 19:29

Sweetlily99 · 10/06/2023 19:23

Your midwives should be planning for this. Mine did with my history of fast labour. One came straight to me without any "stuff" the other picked up from hospital en route.

I also hired a doula who was v near for a) being close by if dh at work 2) entertaining my other 2 should it be in the day / collect / drop to school and nursery. 3) stay with children if I needed to go into hospital

But overall YANBU if MIL gives you peace of mind then I 💯 think its OK to say please don't

I think people forget that yes we all need to just get on and not pressure others but sometimes we should prioritise ourselves. Ops reason for HB is 100% valid.

I have an hour to get to my unit to meet my colleague and then we go together to the woman, during the day we may get there sooner but overnight unlikely be there in less than 60 mins, also we make it clear the woman needs to provide childcare in event of an emergency

Xmasbaby11 · 10/06/2023 19:29

YANBU. She's offered to be your birth support and you do really need her in the circumstances. It is a one off and you can be grateful and apologetic, but I think it's OK to say she shouldn't go on holiday. You will be in a precarious position without her around.

jannier · 10/06/2023 19:29

0MammaBear0 · 10/06/2023 19:01

My MIL lives very close to where she works, so no. Usually she's either working, at home or out locally, like the vast majority of not upper class super rich people? I don't know who goes very far away on an everyday basis for lucrative purposes.

It can take me 40 minutes to get a mile and a half in the traffic. It's always good to make a friendship group with nursery or school parents or from toddler groups etc.

FloweryName · 10/06/2023 19:29

Your posts have been all about you and your needs but you’ve given away little about the position your mil is in.

Why can’t she go earlier in September and what’s her situation? Is she genuinely at liberty to go on holiday with her chosen companion any time she likes or does she have any restrictions based on work or who she’s travelling with or anything?

Whatever the circumstances, I think you’re asking a lot.

QueenieMe · 10/06/2023 19:30

Why can't your mum come over and stay? Or your husband take unpaid leave? It's a lot to put on your MIL when she has to work – presumably she'll have to take unpaid holiday at a moment's notice to rush to your side – and perhaps this is her way of saying she doesn't actually want to do it. Did you ask her to help, did she offer or did you and your DH just assume she would?

QueenieMe · 10/06/2023 19:31

QueenieMe · 10/06/2023 19:30

Why can't your mum come over and stay? Or your husband take unpaid leave? It's a lot to put on your MIL when she has to work – presumably she'll have to take unpaid holiday at a moment's notice to rush to your side – and perhaps this is her way of saying she doesn't actually want to do it. Did you ask her to help, did she offer or did you and your DH just assume she would?

Sorry, just re-read OP where you did say she kindly volunteered.

NowZeusHasLainWithLeda · 10/06/2023 19:32

Puppers · 10/06/2023 19:27

I think a lot of the comments pointing the finger at DH are clearly coming from a place of privilege and being completely out of touch with reality for the majority of people. Ditto the "just take a week unpaid" like every family can afford it!

It's very possible that, rather than preferring to be at work and uninvolved in the arrival of his new baby, he doesn't have the kind of job or working conditions where he feels he can just take time off or apply for parental leave. I know people like to think it's just really easy and it's the law so it should be, but in reality workplace politics make it difficult for lots of people. He is the sole earner in the family. Maybe he feels his job is not secure. Maybe he is in the process of going for a promotion that will change the fortunes of the family and is desperate not to ruffle feathers. He probably is trying his best to put his wife and kids first. OP hasn't said anything to suggest he's not.

I think it sounds like he has to work to keep 3 kids and a SAHM, but on MN men who work when women don't, tend to be expected to do all the housework plus the night feeds when the poor fuckers come off shift.

My "position of privilege" was being alone, abroad with a husband whose family didn't speak to him. And one child. Because that was how many we could afford.

I'm afraid I do agree that if you can't afford 'em you shouldn't have 'em.

cestlavielife · 10/06/2023 19:32

Hire a nanny for september so you have someone ready

TheShellBeach · 10/06/2023 19:33

What use is an ambulance for a home birth?

Stelmosfire1 · 10/06/2023 19:34

They can deliver the baby and await midwives, in the event of an emergency though an adult still needs to be present to provide care for the children

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 10/06/2023 19:34

My inlaws did this having agreed to look after dc1 whilst I was in labour. Only they told me they were going away, didn't ask and I went into labour with dc1 at 38 plus 4. Luckily dc2 held on to 39 weeks exactly and they were home but it stressed me so much. Not sure I would have forgiven them if she'd come earlier.

My own mum was 2 hours away, doesn't drive and had lost my father 3 months before.

Whinge · 10/06/2023 19:36

she either continues or tells you that you need to find someone else.

Isn't this the problem. There isn't anyone else. OP seems adament that her partner can't take any time off or WFH, and there's been no mention of any friends or other family members who could help out. It seems as though OPs main problem is her over-reliance on her MIL.

PaigeMatthews · 10/06/2023 19:37

After reading op’s other thread im left wondering wtf they were thinking.

NumberTheory · 10/06/2023 19:37

If your MiL agreed and knew you were relying on her to the extent you indicate here, then I don’t think you were unreasonable and it sounds like she must have realized it might undercut her original offer or she wouldn’t have bothered asking.

However I think you’re in a pretty precarious position and you should be looking for some alternatives. You can’t expect your MiL to never be more than 30 minutes away from you for the entire month plus that you may give birth. She may have her own things to do during the day - go to the doctors, get her hair cut, see a friend - you need more than one person you can call at any particular time or to be closer to NHS services.

MyFaceIsAnAONB · 10/06/2023 19:37

rightioly · 10/06/2023 19:08

He gets 18 weeks’ leave for each child up to their 18th birthday.

Four weeks for each child per year and must be taken in whole weeks unless child is disabled.

So if he applies now he can get the week off if it fits with business need.

This OP. A bit of planning and budgeting before September and hopefully you’d be able to cope with unpaid leave. It’s a great scheme!

cestlavielife · 10/06/2023 19:37

You going to need a back up
Dh will gave to drop everything at work in the event
Get a family member to stay
Hire a local childminder
You have few months to sound out local people

KarmaStar · 10/06/2023 19:39

0MammaBear0 · 10/06/2023 18:49

I haven't prohibited from going anywhere, I told her I'd rather if she didn't and suggested that she could go at another date. She said she understood and didn't get upset.

Read your thread title.
Yabu.
Your dh helped make the baby he can help when it arrives.
This should not be on your mil.she should enjoy a holiday before she's weighed down looking after your children.

Smartiepants79 · 10/06/2023 19:40

SunbathingDragon · 10/06/2023 19:20

Probably because the dates between now and then are the school holidays.

Show quote history

And after those dates??
There are 11 other months in the year. This due date has been know for some time. She could have gone this month? Or in October depending on where she wants to go.
As I said, it’s her call but I just don’t really get it.
If you love your family, have good relationships, have offered in the first place, then why would you do this like this?? Plan differently! Or don’t offer!

MakeupTable · 10/06/2023 19:42

YANBU, MIL made offer and you accepted. She then changed her mind. This is quite unfair and has put you in a difficult situation.

I have been there; when my eldest DC was starting school IL’s begged and pleaded to do the school run 3 days a week whilst I was at work. They then proceeded to book a last minute holiday for the first two weeks in September leaving us completely in the lurch.

Lesson learnt.

Now we rarely ask them for help and support. They are lovely really but 100% put themselves first, regardless of the impact on others.

Amuseaboosh · 10/06/2023 19:43

0MammaBear0 · 10/06/2023 18:39

I'm expecting my 3rd baby on late September, my other 2 children are aged 3 and 1.5 and I'm planning a homebirth. My MIL very kindly volunteered to take the children when I go into labour.

This morning she sent me a text asking if it would be okay for her to go on a holiday on mid September, and while my due date is for late September it wouldn't be unlikely that my baby could be born at 38 weeks. I told her I would rather if she didn't and I asked her if she could go on early September instead, which she said she can't.

I must add my previous 2 births were very quick, my first one was 8h and my second one was under 1h (!), and a woman who has had a very quick birth (under 3h) before is more likely for that to happen again. My husband works in the city and both him and the midwives would take 1h or so to get to me, while my MIL can get to me in half that time. Without her not only I wouldn't have anyone to take my children but also if my labour went as fast as my previous one while my husband is working I could be left all alone with 2 very small children. I don't have anyone else to rely on than her as my family are living in a different country. AIBU?

Change your birth plan.

Tell your husband, the father of the baby, to book time off.

Pay for a nanny/doula/au-pair.

Your choice to have a baby as well as a home birth is YOUR choice. Your MIL has every right to live her own life without having to cater to yours.

YABU and very entitled.

WellTidy · 10/06/2023 19:45

At least she asked so that you could have that discussion now.

PIL offered to have our older DC when I went into labour with our youngest. All sorted in advance. I dutifully went into labour on my due date, a Friday, DH phoned PIL to ask when he should bring DC over/would they like to come here etc, and they said that they were going away for a long weekend! Which they then did.

Thankfully DSIL stood in to look after DC1 and DC2 was born the next day. PIL came to see us in hospital on the Sunday - I expected them to be quite sheepish, but no.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/06/2023 19:47

0MammaBear0 · 10/06/2023 18:58

Do you realise not everyone can WFH?

You've specifically said on your other thread that your dh does work from home some times. So clearly he can.

Whinge · 10/06/2023 19:48

YANBU, MIL made offer and you accepted. She then changed her mind. This is quite unfair and has put you in a difficult situation.

The OPs MIL hasn't changed her mind. Confused She asked if it would be ok to go on holiday before the due date. OP said no, and her MIL understood and didn't get upset. Nothing unfair about it. The OP is in a difficult situation because of her lack of childcare options and DH's work, not because her MIL asked if she could go on holiday and then accepted OPs answer when she said no.

HewasH20 · 10/06/2023 19:50

This ^

Rainbow1901 · 10/06/2023 19:51

It's not unreasonable to ask if she can change her dates but having twice been in the position of cancelling holidays to be available on said dates for my daughter - that in the end was not necessary because the hospital changed her operation dates!! We cancelled willingly but were a bit peeved when it ultimately proved not necessary.