AIBU for telling my MIL she can't go on a holiday?

[0MammaBear0]

I'm expecting my 3rd baby on late September, my other 2 children are aged 3 and 1.5 and I'm planning a homebirth. My MIL very kindly volunteered to take the children when I go into labour.

This morning she sent me a text asking if it would be okay for her to go on a holiday on mid September, and while my due date is for late September it wouldn't be unlikely that my baby could be born at 38 weeks. I told her I would rather if she didn't and I asked her if she could go on early September instead, which she said she can't.

I must add my previous 2 births were very quick, my first one was 8h and my second one was under 1h (!), and a woman who has had a very quick birth (under 3h) before is more likely for that to happen again. My husband works in the city and both him and the midwives would take 1h or so to get to me, while my MIL can get to me in half that time. Without her not only I wouldn't have anyone to take my children but also if my labour went as fast as my previous one while my husband is working I could be left all alone with 2 very small children. I don't have anyone else to rely on than her as my family are living in a different country. AIBU?

Yup. One week salary. It can be planned for now if you get application in ASAP.

He can do both

Im not advising anybody on any medical issues at all. Maybe you, though, calm down 🙄.

op and her dh need to sort childcare for their third child. Child could come early. Child could come late. Expecting someone other than her dh to be at her bedside immediately for 5 weeks is unreasonable.

Seriously look at parental leave. Not enough people use it. Yes it's unpaid. But it is for situations just like this.

Or perhaps you think nobody except the wealthy should be having babies

I think people having multiple babies should be able to afford it, yes. And being able to access a small reserve of emergency money to cover a short emergency (an hours childcare while her dh travels home from work) shouldn't be something that should break the bank if you are planning on adding another child to your family.

Maybe a doula for you and dh looks after the children?

OP says in her first post that she is planning a home birth

My MIL lives very close to where she works, so no.

So what if your MIL is at work? Is she expected to drop everything instantly and take holiday or unpaid leave?

@MiddleParking I disagree. The OP isnt due until half a month after the holiday.

Unpopular maybe, but agree. When you're on your third child, you know how these things are with childcare. And it's definitely a lot more expensive to choose to have three than one.

This really.

Holiday aside (and given the situation where she is already probably aware she's going to be basically free childcare for lord knows how long with 3 very small children, a SAHM and a father that works outside the home, she probably thought she'd have a nice break before duty calls) the whole situation of expecting her to be there when he's not is unfair on her. Even if she says it's fine. It's really not.

It sounds like a vicious circle to me. One wage, 3 small children understandably needing lots of childcare. Husband unable.

I think you are not being unreasonable to ask and to explain the impact it could have on you, her son and her grandchildren.
She offered.
I therefore think it’s very odd to decide that she’s going to do this.
Why these particular dates? Can she not have a holiday at any other point??
She can, of course, do as she pleases but I find it hard to understand why she would deliberately make the lives of so many people she love that much harder at an already stressful time.

Probably because the dates between now and then are the school holidays.

My MIL did this, camping with no signal so I had no help with our DS while I had cesection

I presume as op’s MIL is working, she has to fit in with other people and company need. However, yes, it seems like a strange idea seeing as she’s on standby. I voted yanbu op.

You literally said “homebirth is needed” 🤣

Your midwives should be planning for this. Mine did with my history of fast labour. One came straight to me without any "stuff" the other picked up from hospital en route.

I also hired a doula who was v near for a) being close by if dh at work 2) entertaining my other 2 should it be in the day / collect / drop to school and nursery. 3) stay with children if I needed to go into hospital

But overall YANBU if MIL gives you peace of mind then I 💯 think its OK to say please don't

I think people forget that yes we all need to just get on and not pressure others but sometimes we should prioritise ourselves. Ops reason for HB is 100% valid.

If your family finances don't allow for your DH to have one week off then, and I don't mean this unkindly, that really really needs working on. I think it's recommended to have 3 months of income minimum in savings. Which I know is tough. I'm assuming you've already ditched holidays and have small Christmases etc but you need that buffer.

What about her son?

Well it sounds like she’ll be having one either way, if her labours are shorter than the transfer time to the nearest hospital. So makes sense to plan for it?

From what I read, your MIL is your birth support and although you would quite like your DH present in reality the person who will be present first is your MIL.
Whilst your aim isn't for MIL to be there holding your hand whilst you birth, she will be the first person there with regards to childcare and advocating until your midwife arrives. Your baby could be born before midwife arrives given your history.
Your DH has work commitments that risk him not being your birth support at all.
I think you're being very realistic to remind your MIL that September is not the best time to go away. If she's committed to being your birth support in this capacity she either continues or tells you that you need to find someone else.

She said she’d be there for you.
So, she should. YANBU, I say.

thats the op’s plan already

I think a lot of the comments pointing the finger at DH are clearly coming from a place of privilege and being completely out of touch with reality for the majority of people. Ditto the "just take a week unpaid" like every family can afford it!

It's very possible that, rather than preferring to be at work and uninvolved in the arrival of his new baby, he doesn't have the kind of job or working conditions where he feels he can just take time off or apply for parental leave. I know people like to think it's just really easy and it's the law so it should be, but in reality workplace politics make it difficult for lots of people. He is the sole earner in the family. Maybe he feels his job is not secure. Maybe he is in the process of going for a promotion that will change the fortunes of the family and is desperate not to ruffle feathers. He probably is trying his best to put his wife and kids first. OP hasn't said anything to suggest he's not.

Can't your mum come over from abroad and stay for a week?