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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU for telling my MIL she can't go on a holiday?

248 replies

0MammaBear0 · 10/06/2023 18:39

I'm expecting my 3rd baby on late September, my other 2 children are aged 3 and 1.5 and I'm planning a homebirth. My MIL very kindly volunteered to take the children when I go into labour.

This morning she sent me a text asking if it would be okay for her to go on a holiday on mid September, and while my due date is for late September it wouldn't be unlikely that my baby could be born at 38 weeks. I told her I would rather if she didn't and I asked her if she could go on early September instead, which she said she can't.

I must add my previous 2 births were very quick, my first one was 8h and my second one was under 1h (!), and a woman who has had a very quick birth (under 3h) before is more likely for that to happen again. My husband works in the city and both him and the midwives would take 1h or so to get to me, while my MIL can get to me in half that time. Without her not only I wouldn't have anyone to take my children but also if my labour went as fast as my previous one while my husband is working I could be left all alone with 2 very small children. I don't have anyone else to rely on than her as my family are living in a different country. AIBU?

OP posts:
Julimia · 11/06/2023 19:12

Surely she's the one being unreasonsble. You've asked her she's agreed and now she's back tracking.MIL or not thats not good.

Whinge · 11/06/2023 19:24

Julimia · 11/06/2023 19:12

Surely she's the one being unreasonsble. You've asked her she's agreed and now she's back tracking.MIL or not thats not good.

Where has the MIL backtracked? Confused

She asked OP if she could go on holiday, weeks before her due date. OP said she'd rather MIL didn't, so MIL has accepted this without argument.

Mummabear89 · 11/06/2023 19:35

I don't have any advice about your childcare predicament during labour but I do want to say as another woman who labours fast that the whole thing of the next labour being even faster isn't always true. DD13 was about 4 hours from first contraction to birth. DS11 was 3 hours. DS6 was less than 3 hours. DS2 was 4 days. I had a homebirth with DS2 and the paramedics got to me super fast when I went into active labour and stayed with me until the midwives turned up, they were actually pretty sad to leave as they don't normally get to attend homebirths. I hope whatever happens you find something that is right for you and your family. It can be very daunting facing a fast labour alone so I can't imagine how you feel with your younger children being there too.

Lollipop81 · 11/06/2023 19:59

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. She’s the grandmother, giving birth is a big deal. Even if your husband took time off work you would then be on your own for the birth. I don’t think it will hurt for her to delay the holiday by a few weeks, it’s not like you ask to do this all the time.
Im sure you will show her grateful you are, don’t feel bad about it.

Poppingmad123 · 11/06/2023 20:39

It’s not your MILs responsibility and it sounds like she’s being a bit flaky. Your husband should take some leave, paid or unpaid for such an important event. Or if work is more important, get a local doula & babysitter in place.

T1Dmama · 11/06/2023 21:24

rightioly · 10/06/2023 19:05

Yes but he could have taken unpaid parental leave

Who can afford to take unpaid leave? No one I know that’s for sure

T1Dmama · 11/06/2023 21:42

Of course you can ask her not to go on holiday @0MammaBear0 .
Don't feel bad about it either… she literally has 5 weeks now that she could go away before the summer holiday prices, or could book for the end of October as many places are still hot then.. You however need her to keep 2 weeks each side of your due date free. She offered and it will be amazing for her to be with you when you give birth, then to be able to help by taking the other children as soon as DH gets home.
I can’t believe the comments on here, of course husband doesn’t want to take unpaid leave before baby is born. He will obviously want anytime he is entitled to having off to be with you AFTER the baby is born. Are people really this clueless?!
The only thing I would ask is could your family come over to help? But again I’m guessing they want to keep their annual leave and book flights for when baby is here too…
Do you have any local friends that could get to you faster?
My friend was like you, super fast with her first, so when she went into labour with her second she dropped her daughter at mine as I lived on the way to the hospital, had she elected for a home birth I would’ve been able to get to her within 15 minutes. (like yourself she had no family living locally). I left work to take her to hospital once too when she thought she’d gone into labour 3 months early.. thankfully she hadn’t. I just made up the hours at work later. But I do realise not everyone has friends that can or are willing to do that.
Honestly I wouldn’t feel too guilty at her not being able to have a holiday, she can holiday literally any other month…. And I’m sure she’d be equally as gutted if she went away and missed the birth!

Tessabelle74 · 11/06/2023 22:46

Hmm1234 · 11/06/2023 18:11

She sounds like my mother very much selfish and off living her life but you can’t stop her unfortunately

Selfish to have brought you up but not want to bring YOUR kids up? I am always telling my Mum to be off spending my inheritance and enjoying her retirement, she deserves it! In no way would I try to guilt trip her into looking after MY children, how entitled are you to expect your mum to?

Tessabelle74 · 11/06/2023 22:47

T1Dmama · 11/06/2023 21:42

Of course you can ask her not to go on holiday @0MammaBear0 .
Don't feel bad about it either… she literally has 5 weeks now that she could go away before the summer holiday prices, or could book for the end of October as many places are still hot then.. You however need her to keep 2 weeks each side of your due date free. She offered and it will be amazing for her to be with you when you give birth, then to be able to help by taking the other children as soon as DH gets home.
I can’t believe the comments on here, of course husband doesn’t want to take unpaid leave before baby is born. He will obviously want anytime he is entitled to having off to be with you AFTER the baby is born. Are people really this clueless?!
The only thing I would ask is could your family come over to help? But again I’m guessing they want to keep their annual leave and book flights for when baby is here too…
Do you have any local friends that could get to you faster?
My friend was like you, super fast with her first, so when she went into labour with her second she dropped her daughter at mine as I lived on the way to the hospital, had she elected for a home birth I would’ve been able to get to her within 15 minutes. (like yourself she had no family living locally). I left work to take her to hospital once too when she thought she’d gone into labour 3 months early.. thankfully she hadn’t. I just made up the hours at work later. But I do realise not everyone has friends that can or are willing to do that.
Honestly I wouldn’t feel too guilty at her not being able to have a holiday, she can holiday literally any other month…. And I’m sure she’d be equally as gutted if she went away and missed the birth!

So it's ok for the MIL to use HER holiday to be around for the birth but not anyone else?

AmberMcAmber · 11/06/2023 23:10

She’s an absolute AH for planning a holiday when she said she’d take the kids

that being said, see if your local/district midwife team have a home birth unit, if so, make them aware of the situation

are there any trusted services that might be able to do some sort of baby sitting with you present (until dad comes home)? Maybe if your eldest is at nursery they can advise? Or check local Facebook groups (obvi do your research once you have names of companies/people)

I really hope you have a peaceful home birth with dad present so that he can be part of it & also make sure other LOs are ok

BaconChops · 12/06/2023 00:52

How can you even question this? your children or you are not your mil responsibility. Be grateful for the help and support she gives. Who are you to tell her she can’t go away as it’s inconvenient to you, your husband and children…?!

Fiddlefall · 12/06/2023 02:54

Hmm1234 · 11/06/2023 18:11

She sounds like my mother very much selfish and off living her life but you can’t stop her unfortunately

That selfish vagina vessel, how dare she ever think she has a life of her own that she is allowed to live

Cammac · 12/06/2023 05:37

Hmm1234 · 11/06/2023 18:11

She sounds like my mother very much selfish and off living her life but you can’t stop her unfortunately

Why is your mother selfish for living her life? Is she not entitled to a life of her own?

Absolutelyridiculous · 12/06/2023 09:20

Stop pressurising mil. It's yours & hubbies responsibility. She will more than likely be back from her holiday to help you out. Is she expected to hang about 2 weeks each side of your confinement date. What would happen if she was ill? You & hubbie sort it out. There must be a solution. How do other parents manage? I had 3 & didn't rely on my parents.
You do what you have to do!

Sugargliderwombat · 12/06/2023 09:37

So many suggestions! OP I think you're fine to ask her not to go on holiday, doesn't sound like she minded.

MeandT · 12/06/2023 09:54

@0MammaBear0 you haven't said anything about how remotely you live - whether market town, village, or farmhouse with neighbours across the fields. Whichever it is though, presumably you knew this was the situation when you conceived (with other DC 3 & 1.5? is that right or did another poster pick that up from another thread of yours?)

I want to remain sympathetic as the run up to birth is stressful - but relying on MIL as your only option for first person to reach you for over a month is grossly unfair on her! She is entitled to a life & the freedom to have a day out with a friend, an hour shopping inside the big steel box at tescos where mobiles don't work well - whatever!

If you have two children that age and are a SAHM, you must have other friends, acquaintances & people living near you in your support network? (If not, what on earth were you thinking having a 3rd child under 5?!?) So NOW is the time to rally that whole network, regardless of whether MIL goes away or not.

It's basic risk management if you think you're going to drop that quickly.... if midwives won't be out under an hour, you can't get to hospital in under an hour, ambulance may take up to an hour, MIL lives 30 mins away and works, shops, and you know - has a life of her own - even she can't be your sole point of reliance for getting to you in time!

Map out - in time and location - who your options are... neighbours X are home M-F but erratically. Parent friend Y doesn't work Fridays. Parent friend Z doesn't work Tuesday & Thursdays. Old lady at the end of the village who always smiles at DC might be worth tapping up for a phone number so she could be emergency entertainment your 2 DC for an hour until next person arrives home to help etc. etc.

At the moment, you have all of your eggs in one basket with poor MIL - regardless of whether she has a holiday or not. What if her car breaks down day of labour? I'm not usually a fan of mumsnet what-if-ism.... but in this case, it's entirely reasonable to need and actively create a plan for alternatives that reaches far beyond just your MIL. And that will mean she can enjoy a well earned holiday before a glut of time supporting you, and be back, well rested, for when you are actually MOST likely to need her. And will probably still be the person that actually gets to you first in the overwhelmingly likely odds anyway!

I understand the DP bashing - it doesn't sound like this is the best thought through 3rd child if finances & his employment situation are precarious enough to not be able to take flex/unpaid leave to support this - but your wider network should be able to support the gaps with a bit of thought & extra work at developing your local connections.

You do sound like you're a long way out on a limb in terms of not much parent/friend network around you so far though, if MIL was your one & only plan to date? Work hard on building this wider support around you - and dare I say it, try to keep up a career option in the background as well. If DP lost his job or bailed in 12 months time, you are in quite a precarious position & need to work on all your other support & backup - beyond just his Mum. For many reasons!

Good luck with the birth, but do use these next 3 months to connect more deeply with your community around you - most people would be fine with knowing they are emergency option 5 of 8 on a list to collect your 2 DC for a few hours because of childbirth! And you'll have far better cover and peace of mind that way - as well as a much stronger support system around you for the coming 5 years til bump starts school.

toomuchlaundry · 12/06/2023 10:30

If you have history of quick labours relying on one person being your childcare is pretty foolish, especially as MIL works. It’s not like she can just sit at home and wait for the call

Mydietstartstomorrow · 12/06/2023 14:02

So what would you have done, when you decided to have another baby, if your mil was not around or available? Did you plan having this child thinking of the implications of having 2 other young children around another birth? I think it’s unfair for you to expect her to sit around and wait. It’s your and your husband’s responsibility. She sounds lovely and accommodating tbh

JediNinja · 12/06/2023 14:10

It seems to me that some posters are missing the fact that even if MIL went ok holiday, she's planning to come back for the due date. So she's not flaking, nor pulling out.

MIL is working, she knows she will be babysitting after the birth for we don't know how long, so she might be trying to squeeze 4-5 days mid September, when the birth is at the end of September. OP is focussed on how quick her labours have been but hasn't confirmed if they were late, early or on time. If the previous two were late, it's reasonable for MIL to think there will be probably be some time to go away before being on nanny duty. OP has suggested to her to go early September instead, but hasn't mentioned any offer of October, so I'm assuming that MIL is expected to babysit and help for a while until mum and baby feel ok, so this September holiday might be the only one MIL can take.

I don't understand how DH has already taken all his leave. If you have some still planned for summer, I would cancel a week and keep it for around the due date. Maybe ask work if you could "connect it" to your paternity leave. My DH did that, kept two weeks of holidays "in the pot" and asked if he could add them after the paternity, which would be around x time, but dates where finalised in the system nearer the time.

My first was slightly late. I was told the second comes earlier. I asked MIL to help a week before due date just in case. DH had asked for leave but his job makes him travel in the region and I didn't want to be alone. Due date came and went, MIL had planned to stay for 12 days so she left after that. I still had to wait another two weeks for DC2 to arrive, right on induction date, super late but naturally at the end. It was pointless to have MIL standing around earlier as that meant that she wasn't available to help later.

T1Dmama · 13/06/2023 18:11

Tessabelle74 · 11/06/2023 22:47

So it's ok for the MIL to use HER holiday to be around for the birth but not anyone else?

Maybe you should learn to read… she isn’t taking a/l … she lives and works close by so can be called at short notice and will only need to take a short period off from work…. Unlike others who would have to take time off ‘just encase’ but might not happen!

Tessabelle74 · 13/06/2023 18:21

T1Dmama · 13/06/2023 18:11

Maybe you should learn to read… she isn’t taking a/l … she lives and works close by so can be called at short notice and will only need to take a short period off from work…. Unlike others who would have to take time off ‘just encase’ but might not happen!

Yes I can read. You literally just said she'll need to take "a short time off work" is that not A/L then, maybe even unpaid time off? Ergo, my point is valid and clearly you're hard of comprehension.

Mysteriousgirl2 · 13/06/2023 18:42

Tophy124 · 10/06/2023 20:40

You should plan a hospital birth and your husband needs to take annual leave. Otherwise you risk birthing at home alone anyway and traumatizing your children. Giving birth at home is a privilege not a right.

What utter bollocks.
How the hell is birthing at home traumatising children?
It’s totally natural.
Do you realise the vast majority of women across the world technically ‘home birth’ and would you describe it as a ‘privilege’ for them?

Cammac · 13/06/2023 20:05

Does your MIL have a partner who will accompany her on a holiday at any given time of the year? Or is she looking at joining her friends for a holiday?

It makes a difference

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