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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed I'm being blamed for the rift.

236 replies

KP1993 · 10/06/2023 10:16

This is my first time posting, so will try and be concise, but apologies in advance, but could do with other opinions.
This happened last Sunday. We generally visit my husbands grans on a Sunday for a few hours, most Sundays so kids can see her, and his mum, her partner and his sister commonly appear during the day, and depending on work commitments his uncle, aunt and cousins may stop by.
His mum and partner do collection for ironing lady on a Sunday afternoon, and they use her partner's van as the run can be quite large.
So past Sunday, they go out, van won't start, I go out expecting it to be battery, it's not even turning. (Turns out it was starter motor.)
Her partner contacts RAC, hubby asks if he alright to run his mum home to pick up a car to start the run. I say yeah. (He is only named driver on the insurance, and we have both interpreted that he needs permission to use said car.)
What should have been maybe 25 minutes/half hour turns into and hour and half. Txt him, no response, ring him - he's helped his mum with the first few collections in our car, she asked. A few collections being enough to fill the back of our estate and the back seat.
This is where the issue starts, our insurance is SD&P only. I did rip him for not letting me know what was going on. I am an anxious person, coupled with he only got his license back February just gone ( he lost it driving with no insurance 10 years ago, stupid teenage stunt, he admits so please don't slate him). The entire family know we don't have business insurance, so in my opinion she shouldn't have even asked, considering she won't risk her own car and license (they have 2 cars - one with business and one without). He didn't realise that had he been pulled over using the car for business without appropriate insurance the car would have been impounded (expect it would have cost at least £400-£500 to get back - we really don't have anywhere near that sort of money spare), fines, court and because he had previous the possibility of loosing his license again, as he wasn't officially insured, similarly had there been an accident. There would have been no offer of assistance as 'it's not their problem' as she has said in the past.
Fast forward to the late afternoon/evening, we had words, I went out to cool off as I was still livid. When I got home, I sent his mum a message on WhatsApp. I wasn't rude, but I was direct and it's obvious that I am pissed. I have since been told, that because I sent a message I have caused a rift in the family, I am over reacting, 'the likelihood of being pulled over is very low' (to me not the point), and should learn more 'tact' (without recognising that I have been biting my tongue for weeks as she runs down 'council' estates and the people that come off them, knowing full well that I grew up on council estate), and because I can say no to use of the car I am manipulative (this coming from his gran). I maintain that the rift was caused when his mum risked hubby license and our insurance, he admits had he known the implications he wouldn't have done it, but is owning his part. He is nieve with regards to insurance, I have dealt with car insurance for about 12 years, as well as pet insurance etc, so probably didn't go through his head. I have taken it that her behaviour is unacceptable, but I have to deal with it and shouldn't say anything, but when I call her out, she gets pissed at me, and instead of telling her her behaviour wasn't acceptable, her mother (his gran) is coddling her. When I met my husband, his mother made a big deal out of him driving without insurance, and now it's acceptable if it benefits her. In my opinion NO.
We have solved any concerns over manipulation, he has standing permission to use the car within the confines of the insurance, and if he is unsure to ask.
YABU - just let it go, he didn't get caught and it is your fault
YANBU - shouldn't have taken that risk with someone else's car/insurance/license, you are within your right to be pissed, and it isn't your fault

OP posts:
TeaKitten · 10/06/2023 10:22

You shouldn’t have messaged his mum, your partner is an adult and it was his decision. There’s no valid reason to blame her rather than your DP, so you did cause a rift…

WunWun · 10/06/2023 10:25

You shouldn't have messaged his mum. You'd spoken to him about it, it wasn't your place to speak to her. I wouldn't have expected anything other than a rift from messaging her.

DailyMailHater · 10/06/2023 10:29

I think you took it too far by messaging his mum. It was something to discuss wit your partner which you did and that should be of been the end of it.

Lovingitallnow · 10/06/2023 10:30

Your issue is 100% with him. You shouldn't have texted his mum. Dh and I are named on each others insurance- we don't have to ask each other permission to use the car, fair enough we'd say it out of courtesy but there's no power dynamic there. He should have texted you or rang you to say I'm going to be longer than 25 mins.

Whinge · 10/06/2023 10:33

There was no need to message his mum. The issue was with your partner, you should have just discussed it with him and then moved on. So yes, you were the cause of the rift.

Sunnyfeelgood · 10/06/2023 10:34

I think the fact that you are 'an anxious person' is the main problem here. If we follow the fear to the end.

Who is stopping the car?
The police?
If the police stop the car would they care about lots of clothing in the back seat?
If they cared would they then contact the insurance company to find out the kind of insurance?
If they found out it was SD&P and not business would they care?
If they cared they would then need to prove the clothing was part of a business and not just someone moving house.
Where would the evidence be?
Do the police (who see horrific extreme crime on a regular basis) really want to be such a jobsworth that they try to take down a middle aged woman doing a bit of ironing?

There are real criminals in this world and the police are stretched enough trying to sort them out.

The thing is, you are making a huge deal out of nothing, which is why it has caused a rift, as no one else can understand the issue (apart from your DP as you have caught him up in your anxiety).

booktokbear · 10/06/2023 10:43

YABU op. Can't believe you text his M about it!

If you're mis-using insurance and not declaring business insurance then that's bad, if you're just doing a one off drive to help someone out, you're not actually making money off it are you, it's not your business.

Also, like another op said, no one was going to care why they had some used clothes in the back of the car.

Sorry op, this one is on you.

PossiblyNotOne · 10/06/2023 10:45

I think you’re massively over reacting about this. I can’t imagine the police would give two shits about you using the car to carry some washing around. You’ve made it an issue.

gettingoldisshit · 10/06/2023 10:48

You sound like a control freak tbh!

5childrenand · 10/06/2023 10:48

Massive overreaction op

Changingplace · 10/06/2023 10:51

Yabu and completely over the top, the issue (if you even want to describe it as that) is with your partner not his mum, the likelihood of him being stopped and the police giving two hoots about some bags of clothes is minuscule, and didn’t didn’t happen so you’re being quite crazy!

RJnomore1 · 10/06/2023 10:55

I’m still at the point where your partner has to ask explicit permission every time he uses the car. Bonkers.

Floralnomad · 10/06/2023 10:59

You shouldn’t have messaged his mum , he’s an adult and your issue is with him not his mother .

Original poster
KP1993 · 10/06/2023 11:01

It's in the small print. Apparently it is quite common, my dad is on his partners and that says the same. They have a 'standing permission' rather than having to ask, provided it's within the confines of the insurance. This is admittedly new, so didn't think of it like that.

OP posts:
Sunnyfeelgood · 10/06/2023 11:02

RJnomore1 · 10/06/2023 10:55

I’m still at the point where your partner has to ask explicit permission every time he uses the car. Bonkers.

Oh my gosh I completely missed this! Wow, OP, the named driver doesn't need permission from the main driver every time the drive the car. The permission is implied by the fact the main driver has added the named driver to the insurance policy.

I really feel for you OP, I am not being mean or sarcastic. To be so worried all the time must by exhausting.

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 10/06/2023 11:03

What did your message say?

Darknightsahead · 10/06/2023 11:04

I’m also in the YABU majority.

Talk about an absolute drama over nothing. Your DP helped his mum out. Wasn’t technically being used for business, not even sure the insurance company would have cared(I worked Car Insurance for 10 years)

Think you have a wee bit of control issues here OP.

youwouldthink · 10/06/2023 11:04

You're really overreacting here. And you were way out of order contacting his mum about it and creating drama where there was none.
Nothing happened. You could have simply said to your partner that he shouldn't do again re insurance...but seriously...relax!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 10/06/2023 11:05

PP are wrong, if there was an accident the insurers would ask about the reason for driving, where you were going etc. And he would either have to lie and commit fraud, or advise he was helping out a business which could be deemed as driving on business and therefore uninsured driver and I believe insurers would pass this on to the police. So yes the police are not out looking for people driving on business. But they are obviously interested in details insurers pass them about fraud or uninsured drivers. So there was a risk (if there had been an accident).

Your issue is with your husband though. People will ask him to do daft stuff all his life (go on, have one more drink Dave! Or send money to a Tunisian prince to release a prize etc). Its up to him to say no, or ask for help if he doesnt realise that he might be implicated in something dodgy. Not for you to go and give the people asking a bollocking.

Why didn't you just leave him to deal with his mum or just say to her that he didnt realise he wasnt insured and doesnt ever want to be in that position again

Screwballs · 10/06/2023 11:05

Jesus christ, yeah YABU. Your reaction is way OTT and I really don't like your language around your husband asking permission etc you sound very controlling.

I'd be livid if OH text my mum to have a go at her, you complete overstepped the mark. So yeah, you absolute did cause this, you should be apologising to his mum ASAP.

Original poster
KP1993 · 10/06/2023 11:06

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 10/06/2023 11:03

What did your message say?

Are you aware that hubby officially drove without insurance today. We do not have business insurance of any kind, and in our small print it states that permission must be asked for use of the vehicle from the policy holder. He asked specifically to take you back to get the car. That's what he was covered for. Had he been pulled over, the car would have been impounded and hubby would have lost his license again due to no insurance

OP posts:
Darknightsahead · 10/06/2023 11:07

KP1993 · 10/06/2023 11:06

Are you aware that hubby officially drove without insurance today. We do not have business insurance of any kind, and in our small print it states that permission must be asked for use of the vehicle from the policy holder. He asked specifically to take you back to get the car. That's what he was covered for. Had he been pulled over, the car would have been impounded and hubby would have lost his license again due to no insurance

Show quote history

I cannot believe you sent that to his mum. Honestly OP give your head a wobble.

JohnnyYenSetHimselfOnFireAgain · 10/06/2023 11:08

Do you mean "pissed off"?

Newusernameaug · 10/06/2023 11:09

Talk about creating a huge drama and rift over nothing!!
your poor DH and family.
don’t be surprised if they don’t want to know you

MRex · 10/06/2023 11:09

When you need to explain insurance rules, then you explain it to your DH, and you don't give him the car if he can't be trusted. It has nothing at all to do with his mum. When you're 5, it's really common to tell on someone to their mum. Your DH is a grown adult, treat him like one and don't make his issues into an issue with his family.