To be pissed I'm being blamed for the rift.

[KP1993]

This is my first time posting, so will try and be concise, but apologies in advance, but could do with other opinions.
This happened last Sunday. We generally visit my husbands grans on a Sunday for a few hours, most Sundays so kids can see her, and his mum, her partner and his sister commonly appear during the day, and depending on work commitments his uncle, aunt and cousins may stop by.
His mum and partner do collection for ironing lady on a Sunday afternoon, and they use her partner's van as the run can be quite large.
So past Sunday, they go out, van won't start, I go out expecting it to be battery, it's not even turning. (Turns out it was starter motor.)
Her partner contacts RAC, hubby asks if he alright to run his mum home to pick up a car to start the run. I say yeah. (He is only named driver on the insurance, and we have both interpreted that he needs permission to use said car.)
What should have been maybe 25 minutes/half hour turns into and hour and half. Txt him, no response, ring him - he's helped his mum with the first few collections in our car, she asked. A few collections being enough to fill the back of our estate and the back seat.
This is where the issue starts, our insurance is SD&P only. I did rip him for not letting me know what was going on. I am an anxious person, coupled with he only got his license back February just gone ( he lost it driving with no insurance 10 years ago, stupid teenage stunt, he admits so please don't slate him). The entire family know we don't have business insurance, so in my opinion she shouldn't have even asked, considering she won't risk her own car and license (they have 2 cars - one with business and one without). He didn't realise that had he been pulled over using the car for business without appropriate insurance the car would have been impounded (expect it would have cost at least £400-£500 to get back - we really don't have anywhere near that sort of money spare), fines, court and because he had previous the possibility of loosing his license again, as he wasn't officially insured, similarly had there been an accident. There would have been no offer of assistance as 'it's not their problem' as she has said in the past.
Fast forward to the late afternoon/evening, we had words, I went out to cool off as I was still livid. When I got home, I sent his mum a message on WhatsApp. I wasn't rude, but I was direct and it's obvious that I am pissed. I have since been told, that because I sent a message I have caused a rift in the family, I am over reacting, 'the likelihood of being pulled over is very low' (to me not the point), and should learn more 'tact' (without recognising that I have been biting my tongue for weeks as she runs down 'council' estates and the people that come off them, knowing full well that I grew up on council estate), and because I can say no to use of the car I am manipulative (this coming from his gran). I maintain that the rift was caused when his mum risked hubby license and our insurance, he admits had he known the implications he wouldn't have done it, but is owning his part. He is nieve with regards to insurance, I have dealt with car insurance for about 12 years, as well as pet insurance etc, so probably didn't go through his head. I have taken it that her behaviour is unacceptable, but I have to deal with it and shouldn't say anything, but when I call her out, she gets pissed at me, and instead of telling her her behaviour wasn't acceptable, her mother (his gran) is coddling her. When I met my husband, his mother made a big deal out of him driving without insurance, and now it's acceptable if it benefits her. In my opinion NO.
We have solved any concerns over manipulation, he has standing permission to use the car within the confines of the insurance, and if he is unsure to ask.
YABU - just let it go, he didn't get caught and it is your fault
YANBU - shouldn't have taken that risk with someone else's car/insurance/license, you are within your right to be pissed, and it isn't your fault

@KP1993 I don't think driving your family member's laundry as a one off is considered business? Was your partner being paid to do it?

I think the main issue here is catastrophised thinking. You are very much getting stuck on the 'what if's' but those aren't grounded in reality. He's your partner, you knew he had the vehicle, he was helping family. I'm not sure what the issue was. The level of control in some of your statements is concerning and absolutely can cause relationship problems.

I think this is one of those situations where you can admit your thoughts/fears went too far, you can send an apology to his Mum and let this go.

Oh my god you just love the drama. What a ridiculous message you sent to his mum. Huge overreaction.

Aye,🙄 right.

How many people struggle to say no to their parents, I am incredibly lucky that my dad wouldn't ask me to take that risk.

Jeez. Nothing happened, nobody died.

I’d have probably been “oh shit, we forgot about the insurance, better make sure that doesn’t happen again” and let it go.

it was a one off. The insurance probably didn’t even occur to them. We’ve all fucked up shit like this before.

calm down, tell them next time to remember the car isn’t a business vehicle, and move on.

Your mil won't risk her insurance but she will risk yours? Yanbu she literally has another car she could have called her insurance and updated the policy to include the car while she got the van sorted

I was brought up to know right from wrong, whatever the situation, not to hide behind others and accept responsibilities.

I also married a man with a backbone.

How many people struggle to say no to their parents, I am incredibly lucky that my dad wouldn't ask me to take that risk.

He's an adult. Don't point the blame to her when it should all be on him. He made the decision and could have said no. He's not a little child.

Honestly, both you and your DH need to grow up @KP1993

Your issue was with your DH. Texting his mum to complain was childish.

He has always struggled with his mum. I am the same, right is right, wrong is wrong. But I also know a lot of people who struggle.

I expect in the extremely unlikely event there was an issue with the insurance, then if he said well my mummy made me do it, they’d say fine, given him a lolly to cheer him up and sent him
on his way……

oh wait, he’s a responsible adult!

Well that really won’t work in the event of an issue…..mummy told me to do it, is not a defense!

so best you start asserting yourself?

Get a grip! We joined our two cars under one policy and I hadn’t realised the second car (mine) had had business use removed. I’d been driving for work for about 6 months. I was pissed off dh didn’t check but he called up and sorted it. (Dh deals with insurance).

your dh drove to help his mum as a one off. If it was a weekly thing then maybe it’s an issue but you need to recognise your anxiety makes you controlling and that’s not okay to be like that to another adult.

I can't get over that message you sent to his mum.

Have a think about why you did this and where your controlling nature comes from. You owe her an apology.

You sound like a drama queen your talking about clothing in a car. He was doing a favour for his dm and you've caused chaos. I can't believe you had ago at his poor mum for him helping her. I'd be livid if my dh did this.

It still doesn't mean you need to give permission or your dh needs to ask for every journey/use unless you are a control freak.

As plenty of previous posters have said, to be using your car for a business you have to a) have a business and b) use the car regularly for the purpose of the business. Your partner was helping his mum out on a Sunday afternoon in an emergency. There is no need to worry about the insurance. You do not have to give him permission every time he uses the car and frankly it's bizarre that you think this would be acceptable.

I don't know what crime your DH committed while driving uninsured, but it's not normal for someone who is caught driving without insurance to be banned for 10 years. The standard penalty for driving without insurance is a £300 fine and 6 points on your licence — so you're not giving us the full story here.

https://www.gov.uk/vehicle-insurance/driving-without-insurance

You need help to deal with this anxiety and controlling behaviour. It's a dreadful environment in which to bring up children and for their sake you need to turn yourself around.

I was going so say that if I saw my son being treated in this way by his wife I'd ask if he needed an escape route from a controlling relationship — but I suspect that you've left a lot of information about him and his past out. You need to work on this, OP.

I don't think that I can add more than one quote, so ...
Mummy made me do it isn't an excuse, but then family shouldn't manipulate, harass or take advantage.

I think regardless of what I say I will be 'controlling' or 'crazy.'

Agreed! Ridiculous behaviour, you cannot hide behind others.

Me too
That is completely over the top. I'm absolutely astonished at what I'm reading......

I think you went too far texting his Mum, yes.

However with his driving history, and the fact his Mum KNEW damn well he was not insured to do what she asked him to do (unarguable, she bloody knew, thats why she was being taken to collect a car that was insured) - and she presumably knows about his historic ban and the reason for it...

She is way out of order - however that was for HIM to deal with, and frankly the fact he doesn't 'understand' insurance is ridiculous too. You do, he should, no excuses!

So YANBU for being pissed off with him for his stupidity, and pissed off with his Mother for encouraging/setting him up to do something illegal.

YABU for texting her, he should have had it out with her, not you.

You need to get help with overthinking / dooming.

I would not tolerate such ridiculous behaviour if I was your partner!

He was within the first 12 months of license, so 6 points is equivalent to 12 points, hence license lost. He wasn't banned for 10 years. So it is obvious that people are not reading all posts.
As already mentioned I am already getting help. I expect very few people know what it feels like to deal with high anxiety continuously, and controlling situations can be a coping strategy, controlling people is completely different. As for making accusations about him without reading the posts, knowing anything much about him is rude and put of place.

Are you OP, if so you’ve had a name change fail, which means it’s difficult for people to read all your posts, so they don’t know everything you’ve said. Which is not their fault.

You were wrong, apologise to your MIL, accept you’ve caused the rift.

MiL could have used the second car which presumably didn’t have business insurance - no different to OP’s car. But she didn’t. OP’s DH could have taken MIL or her partner (a driver) for the second car. MiL asked for the lift. She didn’t insist her son returned to granny’s while she picked up the ironing, did she?
So it’s okay for her son to take risks, but not her, yes? She put herself before her son, before granny and the weekly visit, before the concerns of her DiL.
I call out a CF, a manipulator, an unscrupulous woman who pushes people’s boundaries. OP knows this which is why she texted. It does seem to emasculate him but OP knows he won’t make a stand about insurance. He’s shown this twice.
On occasion - as some Mumsnetters acknowledge - sons struggle with the demands of domineering mothers. This has happened to me a few times in the last 34 years. I’m not ashamed to say I put my foot down with my MiL when her son and husband were passive, when she pushed and pushed. Nor should I be ashamed.
Insurance companies are fastidious about compliance to terms and conditions. Remember that before you bash her.