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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed I'm being blamed for the rift.

236 replies

KP1993 · 10/06/2023 10:16

This is my first time posting, so will try and be concise, but apologies in advance, but could do with other opinions.
This happened last Sunday. We generally visit my husbands grans on a Sunday for a few hours, most Sundays so kids can see her, and his mum, her partner and his sister commonly appear during the day, and depending on work commitments his uncle, aunt and cousins may stop by.
His mum and partner do collection for ironing lady on a Sunday afternoon, and they use her partner's van as the run can be quite large.
So past Sunday, they go out, van won't start, I go out expecting it to be battery, it's not even turning. (Turns out it was starter motor.)
Her partner contacts RAC, hubby asks if he alright to run his mum home to pick up a car to start the run. I say yeah. (He is only named driver on the insurance, and we have both interpreted that he needs permission to use said car.)
What should have been maybe 25 minutes/half hour turns into and hour and half. Txt him, no response, ring him - he's helped his mum with the first few collections in our car, she asked. A few collections being enough to fill the back of our estate and the back seat.
This is where the issue starts, our insurance is SD&P only. I did rip him for not letting me know what was going on. I am an anxious person, coupled with he only got his license back February just gone ( he lost it driving with no insurance 10 years ago, stupid teenage stunt, he admits so please don't slate him). The entire family know we don't have business insurance, so in my opinion she shouldn't have even asked, considering she won't risk her own car and license (they have 2 cars - one with business and one without). He didn't realise that had he been pulled over using the car for business without appropriate insurance the car would have been impounded (expect it would have cost at least £400-£500 to get back - we really don't have anywhere near that sort of money spare), fines, court and because he had previous the possibility of loosing his license again, as he wasn't officially insured, similarly had there been an accident. There would have been no offer of assistance as 'it's not their problem' as she has said in the past.
Fast forward to the late afternoon/evening, we had words, I went out to cool off as I was still livid. When I got home, I sent his mum a message on WhatsApp. I wasn't rude, but I was direct and it's obvious that I am pissed. I have since been told, that because I sent a message I have caused a rift in the family, I am over reacting, 'the likelihood of being pulled over is very low' (to me not the point), and should learn more 'tact' (without recognising that I have been biting my tongue for weeks as she runs down 'council' estates and the people that come off them, knowing full well that I grew up on council estate), and because I can say no to use of the car I am manipulative (this coming from his gran). I maintain that the rift was caused when his mum risked hubby license and our insurance, he admits had he known the implications he wouldn't have done it, but is owning his part. He is nieve with regards to insurance, I have dealt with car insurance for about 12 years, as well as pet insurance etc, so probably didn't go through his head. I have taken it that her behaviour is unacceptable, but I have to deal with it and shouldn't say anything, but when I call her out, she gets pissed at me, and instead of telling her her behaviour wasn't acceptable, her mother (his gran) is coddling her. When I met my husband, his mother made a big deal out of him driving without insurance, and now it's acceptable if it benefits her. In my opinion NO.
We have solved any concerns over manipulation, he has standing permission to use the car within the confines of the insurance, and if he is unsure to ask.
YABU - just let it go, he didn't get caught and it is your fault
YANBU - shouldn't have taken that risk with someone else's car/insurance/license, you are within your right to be pissed, and it isn't your fault

OP posts:
strawberry2017 · 10/06/2023 11:10

You shouldn't have messaged. You should have spoken to your partner and left it at that.

lastminutewednesday · 10/06/2023 11:10

Op, with the best will in the world, it's highly unlikely that anyone stopping your husband is going to make a huge issue over clothes being in a car. And if they asked you'd just say 'I'm helping out with my mums ironing' which would be true.

You need to calm yourself re this.

And messaging his Mum was a huge overreaction.

I think you'd be best messaging them to apologise and explain your reaction was due to anxiety.

namechange1986 · 10/06/2023 11:12

Do you have any more examples of your behaviour? I've really enjoyed this one! I thought I was highly strung, but you are a clear winner!

evrey · 10/06/2023 11:13

Yabu to involve his mother in this. This should be no more than a passing comment to your partner about not making a habit out of it.
You have blown this out of proportion a lot. And cause an unnecessary rift.

Screwballs · 10/06/2023 11:14

KP1993 · 10/06/2023 11:06

Are you aware that hubby officially drove without insurance today. We do not have business insurance of any kind, and in our small print it states that permission must be asked for use of the vehicle from the policy holder. He asked specifically to take you back to get the car. That's what he was covered for. Had he been pulled over, the car would have been impounded and hubby would have lost his license again due to no insurance

Show quote history

So... What exactly were you wanting from this? Her to say sorry, would that have made it all better?

This is an epic tantrum OP. If my family received this, we'd all honestly have a right giggle. How postiviely ridiculous.

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 10/06/2023 11:14

KP1993
Are you aware that hubby officially drove without insurance today. We do not have business insurance of any kind, and in our small print it states that permission must be asked for use of the vehicle from the policy holder. He asked specifically to take you back to get the car. That's what he was covered for. Had he been pulled over, the car would have been impounded and hubby would have lost his license again due to no insurance

Okay, definitely YABU.

Batalax · 10/06/2023 11:15

RJnomore1 · 10/06/2023 10:55

I’m still at the point where your partner has to ask explicit permission every time he uses the car. Bonkers.

This

It was a small error of judgement. Your partner agreed he wouldn’t do it again. It should have been left there.

IhearyouClemFandango · 10/06/2023 11:15

KP1993 · 10/06/2023 11:06

Are you aware that hubby officially drove without insurance today. We do not have business insurance of any kind, and in our small print it states that permission must be asked for use of the vehicle from the policy holder. He asked specifically to take you back to get the car. That's what he was covered for. Had he been pulled over, the car would have been impounded and hubby would have lost his license again due to no insurance

Show quote history

Bloody hell.

diddl · 10/06/2023 11:16

I think that you are overthinking this although it's perhaps understandable with your husband's track record!

I don't think that you should have messaged his mum.

It was fine for his mum to ask-up to him to say no.

Screwballs · 10/06/2023 11:16

namechange1986 · 10/06/2023 11:12

Do you have any more examples of your behaviour? I've really enjoyed this one! I thought I was highly strung, but you are a clear winner!

Me too!! It's a proper grower, I was a bit outraged initially, now I'm highly amused!

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 10/06/2023 11:17

Sorry op, its a yabu from me too. The business use thing is a bit grey, he wasn't profiting, he was just giving his mum a lift. None of this is sounding healthy to me and you are treating him like a child. If I was his mum I would be furious with you.

booktokbear · 10/06/2023 11:17

"Are you aware that hubby officially drove without insurance today. We do not have business insurance of any kind, and in our small print it states that permission must be asked for use of the vehicle from the policy holder. He asked specifically to take you back to get the car. That's what he was covered for. Had he been pulled over, the car would have been impounded and hubby would have lost his license again due to no insurance^"

OMG op, you sound deranged!^

Whinge · 10/06/2023 11:17

KP1993 · 10/06/2023 11:06

Are you aware that hubby officially drove without insurance today. We do not have business insurance of any kind, and in our small print it states that permission must be asked for use of the vehicle from the policy holder. He asked specifically to take you back to get the car. That's what he was covered for. Had he been pulled over, the car would have been impounded and hubby would have lost his license again due to no insurance

Show quote history

None of that has anything to do with his mum. Your partner is an adult, and therefore responsible for the decisions he makes and the actions he takes. If he chose to drive the car then he needs to be the one taking responsibilty for any consequences, not his mum. I honestly can't believe how ridiculous this stituation is, stop infantisling your partner and trying to pass the blame to someone else.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 10/06/2023 11:19

KP1993 · 10/06/2023 11:06

Are you aware that hubby officially drove without insurance today. We do not have business insurance of any kind, and in our small print it states that permission must be asked for use of the vehicle from the policy holder. He asked specifically to take you back to get the car. That's what he was covered for. Had he been pulled over, the car would have been impounded and hubby would have lost his license again due to no insurance

Show quote history

Ummm.

Why on earth did you think that was in any way appropriate?

booktokbear · 10/06/2023 11:19

It doesn't look like you'll be acknowledging any of the YABU posts, despite asking for advice. Obviously because you won't like the answers you've got.

Please try to be less controlling and fixated for all your sakes.

KingOfThieves · 10/06/2023 11:19

You’ve made a mountain out of a molehill and messaging his mam was really rude and not appropriate. I think you need to apologise to her

Prettypaisleyslippers · 10/06/2023 11:19

Massive over reaction

Iwantcakeeveryday · 10/06/2023 11:20

I think you are perhaps overreacting and definitely should not have sent the message. Perhaps apologise for overreacting and in future ket husband deal with his own family if need be

CountessWindyBottom · 10/06/2023 11:21

YABVU. You also sound extremely controlling and I should imagine you won't like that the majority of people have voted that yes, you are being completely unreasonable. You shouldn't have texted his Mum and yes, you will cause a rift unless you sort it out. But I have a feeling you won't actually listen to anything you don't agree with.

AllyCart · 10/06/2023 11:23

@Sunnyfeelgood

If the police stop the car would they care about lots of clothing in the back seat?
If they cared would they then contact the insurance company to find out the kind of insurance?
If they found out it was SD&P and not business would they care?
If they cared they would then need to prove the clothing was part of a business and not just someone moving house.

Believe it or not, 'yes' to all of the above.

They regularly check with insurance companies as to the exact cover that applies on a vehicle and they do take action if the cover isn't correct.

I saw one of those traffic police documentary programmes not long ago where they were stopping random cars at rush hour to check whether the driver had commuting cover. All they were using as proof that they were commuting was asking the driver where they were going. Not many could come up with a good alternative reason for wearing a shirt and tie at 8am.

For actually carrying goods in the vehicle they absolutely would be checking for business cover.

It's very standard to check this stuff.

WimpoleHat · 10/06/2023 11:24

I think you’ve massively overreacted. Apart from anything else, your DH wasn’t using his car for “business purposes”. He was giving a lift to his mum. She is the one doing “business”; he is running a personal errand.

Mumuser124 · 10/06/2023 11:24

Its all very dramatic,He picked up a few loads of ironing with his mum. Do you honestly believe the police would impound the car?

You sound like you wanted to deliberately cause an issue because you were annoyed you were made to wait.

TheApplianceofScience · 10/06/2023 11:24

The drama, the drama……..

LookItsMeAgain · 10/06/2023 11:25

What country are you in that a named driver needs to ask permission to be able to drive a car? You are allowed (at least in my jurisdiction) a small amount of driving for business purposes (something like 5k per year).

I'm not saying this to pile on but I do think there are areas that you should worry about in life in general but this isn't one of them.

Hoppinggreen · 10/06/2023 11:25

While I completely agree with your stance on the insurance you should have made your feelings clear to your H, there was no need to contact his Mum about it too.
His family sound like a pain in the arse so let him deal with them