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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed I'm being blamed for the rift.

236 replies

KP1993 · 10/06/2023 10:16

This is my first time posting, so will try and be concise, but apologies in advance, but could do with other opinions.
This happened last Sunday. We generally visit my husbands grans on a Sunday for a few hours, most Sundays so kids can see her, and his mum, her partner and his sister commonly appear during the day, and depending on work commitments his uncle, aunt and cousins may stop by.
His mum and partner do collection for ironing lady on a Sunday afternoon, and they use her partner's van as the run can be quite large.
So past Sunday, they go out, van won't start, I go out expecting it to be battery, it's not even turning. (Turns out it was starter motor.)
Her partner contacts RAC, hubby asks if he alright to run his mum home to pick up a car to start the run. I say yeah. (He is only named driver on the insurance, and we have both interpreted that he needs permission to use said car.)
What should have been maybe 25 minutes/half hour turns into and hour and half. Txt him, no response, ring him - he's helped his mum with the first few collections in our car, she asked. A few collections being enough to fill the back of our estate and the back seat.
This is where the issue starts, our insurance is SD&P only. I did rip him for not letting me know what was going on. I am an anxious person, coupled with he only got his license back February just gone ( he lost it driving with no insurance 10 years ago, stupid teenage stunt, he admits so please don't slate him). The entire family know we don't have business insurance, so in my opinion she shouldn't have even asked, considering she won't risk her own car and license (they have 2 cars - one with business and one without). He didn't realise that had he been pulled over using the car for business without appropriate insurance the car would have been impounded (expect it would have cost at least £400-£500 to get back - we really don't have anywhere near that sort of money spare), fines, court and because he had previous the possibility of loosing his license again, as he wasn't officially insured, similarly had there been an accident. There would have been no offer of assistance as 'it's not their problem' as she has said in the past.
Fast forward to the late afternoon/evening, we had words, I went out to cool off as I was still livid. When I got home, I sent his mum a message on WhatsApp. I wasn't rude, but I was direct and it's obvious that I am pissed. I have since been told, that because I sent a message I have caused a rift in the family, I am over reacting, 'the likelihood of being pulled over is very low' (to me not the point), and should learn more 'tact' (without recognising that I have been biting my tongue for weeks as she runs down 'council' estates and the people that come off them, knowing full well that I grew up on council estate), and because I can say no to use of the car I am manipulative (this coming from his gran). I maintain that the rift was caused when his mum risked hubby license and our insurance, he admits had he known the implications he wouldn't have done it, but is owning his part. He is nieve with regards to insurance, I have dealt with car insurance for about 12 years, as well as pet insurance etc, so probably didn't go through his head. I have taken it that her behaviour is unacceptable, but I have to deal with it and shouldn't say anything, but when I call her out, she gets pissed at me, and instead of telling her her behaviour wasn't acceptable, her mother (his gran) is coddling her. When I met my husband, his mother made a big deal out of him driving without insurance, and now it's acceptable if it benefits her. In my opinion NO.
We have solved any concerns over manipulation, he has standing permission to use the car within the confines of the insurance, and if he is unsure to ask.
YABU - just let it go, he didn't get caught and it is your fault
YANBU - shouldn't have taken that risk with someone else's car/insurance/license, you are within your right to be pissed, and it isn't your fault

OP posts:
momtoboys · 10/06/2023 15:14

I can’t figure out why you messaged your MIL. This was a massive overreaction.

Billyho · 10/06/2023 15:18

OooPourUsACupLove · 10/06/2023 15:13

Interesting isn't it that OP had to chase them to find that out? You'd think, knowing OP was expecting them back in 25 minutes or so, they'd have dropped her a text or something to say they'd be longer than expected because they'd decided on a new plan. You know, shown her a bit of respect rather than her having to chase to find out what's going on. It's these details that suggest this was more than just a practical solution, at least for the MIL.

Show quote history

Controlling people chase people all the time…… they then spin it round as “I was worried” etc, it’s a very obvious trait.

think of the controlling man and his partner is shopping, but she s been too long in his opinion, he’ll chase, dressed up as concern.

KP19933 · 10/06/2023 15:18

Billyho · 10/06/2023 15:12

How did he address it once you’d told him what had been said?

Because if he said nothing, that’s another sign of him being spineless!

Show quote history

This is something he is working on, and he admits that he is spineless with his mother. He is not one to upset the apple cart. I am more a bull in the china shop.
But he is an excellent husband in so many ways, and an amazing father.

Screwballs · 10/06/2023 15:18

OooPourUsACupLove · 10/06/2023 15:13

Interesting isn't it that OP had to chase them to find that out? You'd think, knowing OP was expecting them back in 25 minutes or so, they'd have dropped her a text or something to say they'd be longer than expected because they'd decided on a new plan. You know, shown her a bit of respect rather than her having to chase to find out what's going on. It's these details that suggest this was more than just a practical solution, at least for the MIL.

Show quote history

Honestly, if no one was in a bloody rush, what did it actually matter? He was with his mum, not on a secret piss up. They go to his nans every Sunday for the day, if it was 2pm and they don't usually leave till 5pm, then what the hell difference is it if they take an extra 45 minutes. It's hardly like he's dissappeared for a day. God, I thought I was controlling, but I don't go round expecting minute by minute blows of DPs delays

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 10/06/2023 15:18

Interesting isn't it that OP had to chase them to find that out? You'd think, knowing OP was expecting them back in 25 minutes or so, they'd have dropped her a text or something to say they'd be longer than expected because they'd decided on a new plan. You know, shown her a bit of respect rather than her having to chase to find out what's going on. It's these details that suggest this was more than just a practical solution, at least for the MIL.

I'd expect a husband to do that, but not the MIL. It's not down to her.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 10/06/2023 15:20

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 10/06/2023 15:18

Interesting isn't it that OP had to chase them to find that out? You'd think, knowing OP was expecting them back in 25 minutes or so, they'd have dropped her a text or something to say they'd be longer than expected because they'd decided on a new plan. You know, shown her a bit of respect rather than her having to chase to find out what's going on. It's these details that suggest this was more than just a practical solution, at least for the MIL.

I'd expect a husband to do that, but not the MIL. It's not down to her.

And also I'd only expect it if he knows she'd flip a lid if he's not back directly on time. Otherwise what does it matter that he's 90 minutes instead of 25?! They weren't in a rush

Billyho · 10/06/2023 15:23

Strangely my friend would not bother updating her OP
if she was going to be late because she’d moan than and then again when she got home, so it was a double whammy!

Controlling people are unreasonable!

OooPourUsACupLove · 10/06/2023 15:24

Billyho · 10/06/2023 15:18

Controlling people chase people all the time…… they then spin it round as “I was worried” etc, it’s a very obvious trait.

think of the controlling man and his partner is shopping, but she s been too long in his opinion, he’ll chase, dressed up as concern.

Show quote history

Sure. And non controlling people whose DH has been gone for 90 minutes on a 25 minute errand also chase and may reasonably be worried. Especially if they were already visiting someone else and he just popped out to run said errand.

Billyho · 10/06/2023 15:26

OooPourUsACupLove · 10/06/2023 15:24

Sure. And non controlling people whose DH has been gone for 90 minutes on a 25 minute errand also chase and may reasonably be worried. Especially if they were already visiting someone else and he just popped out to run said errand.

Show quote history

I wonder if OP had a tracker on his phone….. you know for safety reasons and to stop her feeling anxious?

So DS goes out with DM somewhere, I’d assume they’d stopped for coffee somewhere! Wouldn’t assume illegal laundry collection or an accident!

KP19933 · 10/06/2023 15:26

Billyho · 10/06/2023 15:23

Strangely my friend would not bother updating her OP
if she was going to be late because she’d moan than and then again when she got home, so it was a double whammy!

Controlling people are unreasonable!

You have decided I am controlling. Your choice. I was brought up, running late, drop a message save any worry. I still do it if we are running late to his grans, my dad's or his mum's.

OooPourUsACupLove · 10/06/2023 15:29

Screwballs · 10/06/2023 15:18

Honestly, if no one was in a bloody rush, what did it actually matter? He was with his mum, not on a secret piss up. They go to his nans every Sunday for the day, if it was 2pm and they don't usually leave till 5pm, then what the hell difference is it if they take an extra 45 minutes. It's hardly like he's dissappeared for a day. God, I thought I was controlling, but I don't go round expecting minute by minute blows of DPs delays

Show quote history

The extra time doesn't matter as long as DP gives OP a quick heads up, or at least replies when she asks. Me and my DH have the least controlling relationship you can imagine, but if one of us tells the other a plan then realises they'll be a lot later of course we'd send a quick text, because that's just basic respect.

Billyho · 10/06/2023 15:36

OooPourUsACupLove · 10/06/2023 15:29

The extra time doesn't matter as long as DP gives OP a quick heads up, or at least replies when she asks. Me and my DH have the least controlling relationship you can imagine, but if one of us tells the other a plan then realises they'll be a lot later of course we'd send a quick text, because that's just basic respect.

Show quote history

So

DH is disrespectful as well
as spineless?

so why is MIL getting shitty texts?

He is the issue but OP is saying he’s a great husband and father?

PiffleIsTakingThePiss · 10/06/2023 15:41

This all seems quite odd. And why, having N/C halfway through the thread, are OP posts not showing as highlighted? OP made a new account? Halfway through a thread on her first time posting? I don't understand.

OooPourUsACupLove · 10/06/2023 15:42

Billyho · 10/06/2023 15:26

I wonder if OP had a tracker on his phone….. you know for safety reasons and to stop her feeling anxious?

So DS goes out with DM somewhere, I’d assume they’d stopped for coffee somewhere! Wouldn’t assume illegal laundry collection or an accident!

Show quote history

That's an odd jump to suggest a tracker. Most people who respect each other just keep each other in the loop with a quick text if plans change.

It's pretty normal to tell someone expecting you at a certain time if you'll be noticeably late, firstly so they don't worry and secondly so they can make better use of the time than hanging around waiting for you.

And if for some reason you didn't get a chance or forgot, which is also fine, and get a message from them asking what's going on, most people would think "oh bother, I should have let X know plans have changed, I'll drop them a quick note now" rather than ignoring it.

Billyho · 10/06/2023 15:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

HurdyGurdy19 · 10/06/2023 15:53

"His mum and partner do collection for ironing lady on a Sunday afternoon, and they use her partner's van as the run can be quite large."

Is it just the way you've written this, or are they collecting/delivering on behalf of someone else who is the ironing lady that is actually doing the ironing? Because that would be another step back for your husband. from the actual business.

Ironing lady > Mother in law/partner (doing the collecting) > your husband (doing the collectors a favour)

I get what you're saying about the insurance, and yes, if you do already have issues with anxiety, I can see how this would trigger you. But really, unless your car was so piled high with clothing that you couldn't see out of the windows or use the rear view mirror, the chances of being stopped are very low. And even then, if I am correct and it's not even your mother in law who is doing the ironing, then it's just someone going around collecting clothing.

HurdyGurdy19 · 10/06/2023 15:53

Don't know why the strikethrough appeared. It wasn't supposed to!

KP19933 · 10/06/2023 15:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Because she shouldn't have asked, knowing full well we don't have suitable insurance, and yes she did know.
No one is perfect, so maybe look in the mirror, because more what I see is a bully who has attacked my husband and took the piss out of mental health (many people suffer with anxiety) amongst other things including looking for an argument.

KP19933 · 10/06/2023 15:59

HurdyGurdy19 · 10/06/2023 15:53

"His mum and partner do collection for ironing lady on a Sunday afternoon, and they use her partner's van as the run can be quite large."

Is it just the way you've written this, or are they collecting/delivering on behalf of someone else who is the ironing lady that is actually doing the ironing? Because that would be another step back for your husband. from the actual business.

Ironing lady > Mother in law/partner (doing the collecting) > your husband (doing the collectors a favour)

I get what you're saying about the insurance, and yes, if you do already have issues with anxiety, I can see how this would trigger you. But really, unless your car was so piled high with clothing that you couldn't see out of the windows or use the rear view mirror, the chances of being stopped are very low. And even then, if I am correct and it's not even your mother in law who is doing the ironing, then it's just someone going around collecting clothing.

They collect for someone else. We have an estate that was full in the back, so started on back seat, so large amount.

HurdyGurdy19 · 10/06/2023 16:05

Does the ironing person pay your mother in law and/or partner for collecting for them? Because if not, then your car surely wasn't being used for business purposes? Just helping someone out?

KP19933 · 10/06/2023 16:06

HurdyGurdy19 · 10/06/2023 16:05

Does the ironing person pay your mother in law and/or partner for collecting for them? Because if not, then your car surely wasn't being used for business purposes? Just helping someone out?

Yes they are paid.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 10/06/2023 16:26

I’ve been driving for over fifty years, both as a policy holder and a named driver. I’m now the named driver on DH’s policy and we’ve never asked each other for permission to use the car. Being named on the policy implies permission to use the car has been given.
It’s time your fella educated himself on car insurance policies: comprehensive, third party fire and theft, Sd&P and Business.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 10/06/2023 16:33

Sunnyfeelgood · 10/06/2023 10:34

I think the fact that you are 'an anxious person' is the main problem here. If we follow the fear to the end.

Who is stopping the car?
The police?
If the police stop the car would they care about lots of clothing in the back seat?
If they cared would they then contact the insurance company to find out the kind of insurance?
If they found out it was SD&P and not business would they care?
If they cared they would then need to prove the clothing was part of a business and not just someone moving house.
Where would the evidence be?
Do the police (who see horrific extreme crime on a regular basis) really want to be such a jobsworth that they try to take down a middle aged woman doing a bit of ironing?

There are real criminals in this world and the police are stretched enough trying to sort them out.

The thing is, you are making a huge deal out of nothing, which is why it has caused a rift, as no one else can understand the issue (apart from your DP as you have caught him up in your anxiety).

This

TolkiensFallow · 10/06/2023 16:44

op if you are for real your behaviour is really weird

Throwncrumbs · 10/06/2023 16:55

He lost his licence 10 years ago because of no insurance and only just got it back?