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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be embarrassed by MIL behaviour at cafe?

445 replies

Amethyst13 · 10/06/2023 09:27

My mum came up to visit from down South last weekend, and we don't often see her as she doesn't drive and we wanted to take her out for lunch on Saturday. We went to a pretty local village that my mum likes to visit with my DH and MIL. There is plenty of parking in the village for a couple of pounds for the day, but my MIL was huffing and puffing about how she hates to pay to park and insisted she knew a better spot where we could park for free. I found this very irritating but my DH listened to her (he was driving) and we ended up parking about a km outside the village and had to tramp across a field and down a country road to get there.

My mum is in her 70s and has some mobility issues due to arthritis so I knew this wasn't ideal for her, but she didn't want to make a fuss and just went along with it. I was very annoyed with DH and MIL at this point for making such a big deal over saving two quid but my objections were brushed off.

After wandering the shops and galleries for a bit we stopped at a nice cafe for an afternoon tea and had very attentive table service from a lovely young lady.

My DH paid for the meal and when we were preparing to leave we left a few pounds on the table as a tip. My MIL was aghast at this and started flapping loudly about how she never tips at a cafe and that we were tipping too much, carrying on about it. I'm sure the server and other diners heard her. My mum was clearly very embarrassed by all this. DH is used to this tight behaviour from his mum so he just ignored her, but I shut it down and explained we had good service and I wanted to leave a tip.

We began our trudge back to the car and as we reached the car my MIL sidled up to my DH and proudly handed him back the £4 tip that she had actually swiped off the table! I couldn't bloody believe it. My mum was mortified, DH annoyed and I was seething. I'm still absolutely furious. Her stinginess is so annoying, it's like her main personality trait. She's proud of it and never misses an opportunity to moan about the price of something.

AIBU to absolutely refuse to go out to eat with MIL ever again?

OP posts:
RachelGreensHair · 10/06/2023 09:30

From now just take her to cheap places. And don't take her with your mum, I'd leave DH at home too and have a lovely mother and daughter somewhere nice.

Testina · 10/06/2023 09:30

I’d have gone back to the café with the tip to make a point - did you? (I know you were 1km away, you could have driven back past it and dropped in)

Tbh I can’t believe you left your arthritic mum to do that walk without speaking up for her! Even if you wanted to indulge MIL’s nonsense, your mother could have been dropped off first. Why did you and your husband let her suffer, because you won’t say no to his?

EsmeSusanOgg · 10/06/2023 09:31

Oh god, that's awful. It isn't even her money!

Look, I understand saving money where you can. But was the hassle of a difficult walk for your mum worth £2? Or was your mum's comfort worth more than £2?

And to steal a tip you have already put down. That is outrageous. It wasn't her money to take. Utterly disgusting. I'd have asked her why she stole the money?

HeadacheEarthquake · 10/06/2023 09:32

I'd have taken the 4 quid off her and flung it across the carpark! Let her scrabble for it.

But I'm an Aries (asshole)

survivalmodemum · 10/06/2023 09:32

Oh dear, yes this is embarrassing! I don’t think you can never got out to eat with her again, but I would definitely take your mum out separately next time. I would also speak with DH before hand and set expectations such as parking despite what MIL tries to say.

WhatHaveIFound · 10/06/2023 09:33

YANBU.

I haven't eaten out with my parents since we took them & our DC out for a pre Christmas meal a couple of years ago. We paid for everything so close to £200 and mum said she'd sort out the tip.

Lovely meal and exceptional service at a local restaurant but she left £5!

CantFindTheBeat · 10/06/2023 09:33

Why didn't you ask your DH to get the car and pick you and your mum up on the return?

Absolutely no reason for you both to go tramping cross country.

Changingplace · 10/06/2023 09:34

God that’s awful, and instead of traipsing back over fields I’d have remained at the cafe and told DH and MIL to drive back and pick you up, don’t go along with this nonsense another time.

primoseyellow · 10/06/2023 09:34

If my mum had mobility issues, or even if she just said I don't want to walk I would politely ask to be dropped in the centre of the village and anyone who wants to save £2.00 can walk. I obviously wouldn't be rude but a simple quick 'Oh actually its easier for us to walk so if you drop us here we will catch up in the cafe, thanks'.

The tip thing I would be embarrassed about and would go back and put money down.

I remember being in India and a woman id just met on a tour thingy was arguing with an elderly rickshaw driver in 38 degree heat about 50 p. I knew she was wealthy, I went back and gave him a proper tip.

People being careful with money fine, but tightness I can't stand.

BreviloquentBastard · 10/06/2023 09:34

Honestly both you and your husband should have done something sooner, more your husband than you as it's his mother. Your poor mum shouldn't have been made to walk so far because neither of you are capable of sticking up to ms penny pincher.

Nevertheless what's done is done now. I don't think you'd be unreasonable to not want to go out anywhere to eat with her.

Also if you can I'd to back to the cafe and make sure the young girl got her tip. The service industry can be so thankless.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 10/06/2023 09:35

CantFindTheBeat · 10/06/2023 09:33

Why didn't you ask your DH to get the car and pick you and your mum up on the return?

Absolutely no reason for you both to go tramping cross country.

I think I would have done this too, especially as your DH listened to your MIL about where to park. I would have sent them both off together.

And you do know that your MIL has made it clear that she's not to be invited again? If you can't behave, you don't get to go to nice places Wink

Redshoeblueshoe · 10/06/2023 09:35

Why did you even take MIL ? Your DH is just as bad as her for saying nothing

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 10/06/2023 09:35

Yanbu but also you should have made a fuss to DH about the parking when his mum was going on about the other place. I'd have said "no we are not parking there as it's too far for DM to walk and walk back to". You need to be more direct

Hellocatshome · 10/06/2023 09:36

From now on I would be having days out with my DM only. DH can deal with MIL by himself.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/06/2023 09:36

You and your husband are both to blame for being such doormats. It's high time your mother-in-law was put firmly in her place.

Mouthfulofquiz · 10/06/2023 09:38

Well, really I think you should have insisted on parking in the village rather than making your mum walk further than she was comfortable with.
and I wouldn’t be taking your MIL out again. That is now firmly a DH job.

IkeaMeatballGravy · 10/06/2023 09:39

My MIL did the same thing at a restaurant we regularly go to. We turned around and took the tip back.

In your situation I would have waited with my DM in the cafe for DH to trudge back through the field and bring the car around. It was out of order for him to put MIL's penny pinching over your DM's mobility issues.

FOJN · 10/06/2023 09:40

That is appalling behaviour. I would have driven back to the cafe to give the staff the tip and I would make her pay for her own meal next time. It wasn't even her money so she has a real mean streak to her.

sonjadog · 10/06/2023 09:40

The obvious thing would have been for you and your Mum to be dropped off and picked up in the village and for them to go and park. I would also have swung by the cafe on the way home to give them the tip, to make a point. Your MiL sounds like a pain, but you and your DH need to stop being so spineless.

Bearpawk · 10/06/2023 09:41

Time to put your big girl pants on.
I'd have told MIL we need to park closer because of my mums arthritis, I'd pay for is so the money isn't an issue,
no argument.

I'd have made a point of snatching the £4 back off her, telling her firmly that's not her decision to make, and going to give it back and apologising that she removed it, to make her look stupid.

You need to firmly pull her up; every. single, time.

CalistoNoSolo · 10/06/2023 09:42

Can't believe you allowed your mil and husband to force your mother to walk that far. At the least you should have told them to drop you off/pick you up in the village, they could have parked and walked to meet you. The rest is stuff I couldn't tolerate. Can't stand ungenerous people, and I would leave your husband and mil off the guest list the next time you see your mother. Or next time, you drive, you pay and you directly hand the tip to the staff.

Rightiothen13 · 10/06/2023 09:42

This sounds like a profoundly unpleasant trip out. Every member of the group wandering around with a cats bum expression on their face

Rightiothen13 · 10/06/2023 09:42

And not a spine between

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 10/06/2023 09:43

sonjadog · 10/06/2023 09:40

The obvious thing would have been for you and your Mum to be dropped off and picked up in the village and for them to go and park. I would also have swung by the cafe on the way home to give them the tip, to make a point. Your MiL sounds like a pain, but you and your DH need to stop being so spineless.

Exactly what I was going to write but you saved me the trouble!

mumu54 · 10/06/2023 09:43

If you think so little of your mother that you made her walk so far I'm surprised she visited you at all. I suffer from similar issues and am always dropped off at venue if parking is a distance away. Your MIL needs some manners.

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