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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be embarrassed by MIL behaviour at cafe?

445 replies

Amethyst13 · 10/06/2023 09:27

My mum came up to visit from down South last weekend, and we don't often see her as she doesn't drive and we wanted to take her out for lunch on Saturday. We went to a pretty local village that my mum likes to visit with my DH and MIL. There is plenty of parking in the village for a couple of pounds for the day, but my MIL was huffing and puffing about how she hates to pay to park and insisted she knew a better spot where we could park for free. I found this very irritating but my DH listened to her (he was driving) and we ended up parking about a km outside the village and had to tramp across a field and down a country road to get there.

My mum is in her 70s and has some mobility issues due to arthritis so I knew this wasn't ideal for her, but she didn't want to make a fuss and just went along with it. I was very annoyed with DH and MIL at this point for making such a big deal over saving two quid but my objections were brushed off.

After wandering the shops and galleries for a bit we stopped at a nice cafe for an afternoon tea and had very attentive table service from a lovely young lady.

My DH paid for the meal and when we were preparing to leave we left a few pounds on the table as a tip. My MIL was aghast at this and started flapping loudly about how she never tips at a cafe and that we were tipping too much, carrying on about it. I'm sure the server and other diners heard her. My mum was clearly very embarrassed by all this. DH is used to this tight behaviour from his mum so he just ignored her, but I shut it down and explained we had good service and I wanted to leave a tip.

We began our trudge back to the car and as we reached the car my MIL sidled up to my DH and proudly handed him back the £4 tip that she had actually swiped off the table! I couldn't bloody believe it. My mum was mortified, DH annoyed and I was seething. I'm still absolutely furious. Her stinginess is so annoying, it's like her main personality trait. She's proud of it and never misses an opportunity to moan about the price of something.

AIBU to absolutely refuse to go out to eat with MIL ever again?

OP posts:
Thebigblueballoon · 10/06/2023 11:08

Honestly? I would have lost my shit and would have flung each pound, individually, into the nearby grass.

I’d then drive back to the cafe and give the waitress a tenner.

Violasaremyfavourite · 10/06/2023 11:16

My mother grew up as poor as it was possible to be. She wasn't mean like that.

oakleaffy · 10/06/2023 11:16

@Amethyst13 That’s appalling behaviour from your MIL.

I wonder though if she has ever known want or poverty?
it seems so bizarre to be that tight - But then I thought “ It’s not even her money” that she’s kicking up a stink over.

I got told off by Dad once for taking his mini pots of marmalade from breakfast ar Liberty’s - He was shocked, but I said “ You paid for them!”

I was after the pretty little jars to put stuff in, but Dad found it “ Embarrassing “.

oakleaffy · 10/06/2023 11:20

red78hot · 10/06/2023 10:43

I'd have given her the £4 and told her to use it to pay her bus fare home, tight fucker she is!

In a rural location??
She’d be waiting forever, so bad are rural bus services.

But I get the point you are making.

oakleaffy · 10/06/2023 11:25

Eddielizzard · 10/06/2023 10:45

Taking the tip is absolutely outrageous. I would not make plans with your MIL in the future which involve spending money.

I went out with a group of friends, I left a tip on the table for the waitress as one friend insisted we split the bill but not include a tip. I saw her take the tip when she thought I wasn't looking. Will never forget it.

Oh my word- That is just shocking.
Some people have zero morals.
Did you say anything?
I certainly would have called that out ( Total theft from the donor and waiting staff.)

Nanny0gg · 10/06/2023 11:26

Amethyst13 · 10/06/2023 09:44

I did say I wanted to park in the village and they dismissed me, insisting it wasn't that far and it was a nice walk etc. It got quite tense in the car bickering over it. My mum doesn't like to make a fuss and waved me away as well and insisted she would be fine, and I also think she's a bit embarrassed by not being able to walk far so she downplays it. I was made out to be unreasonable and lazy for not wanting to walk basically.

So have you had it out with your DH since?

I wouldn't tolerate that

Hayliebells · 10/06/2023 11:26

YANBU. I'd be giving her a very wide birth, DH can visit her on his own etc, and I'd most certainly not go out in public with her again. She sounds infuriating, and mean.

sweetdreamstenasee · 10/06/2023 11:26

Embarrass her next time. Hand the tip in the foldable wallet that bills are usually presented in directly to your waiter and say ‘tip in here for you, I’d leave it on the table but we can’t trust MIL here, she swiped it back from the table last time so we better be safe than sorry!’ in a light hearted jokey manner.

Yanbu obviously but I don’t think you need to make a point if never eating out with her again, seems like it would cause more issue down the line. Talk to you DH and tell him to speak up and put his foot down next time as it’s his mum.

Batalax · 10/06/2023 11:27

Easily sorted. You go and park for free and don’t leave a tip to places like Mac Donald’s with mil, and go to nice places with your mum and do it properly.
No more combining days out. Solved.

Eddielizzard · 10/06/2023 11:28

oakleaffy · 10/06/2023 11:25

Oh my word- That is just shocking.
Some people have zero morals.
Did you say anything?
I certainly would have called that out ( Total theft from the donor and waiting staff.)

Show quote history

To my shame, oaleaffy, I didn't. I was so shocked I couldn't believe what I'd seen. I'm aware now though, and head that sort of thing off in advance. I won't let her get away with that again

Justalittlebitduckling · 10/06/2023 11:32

She stole from the servers at the cafe.

User8907 · 10/06/2023 11:34

I would have asked your DH and MIL to go and get the car and pick you up from the cafe in the first place, as at that point you would have known the distance. Also, you should have definitely made a point of returning to the cafe - if you don't want to make a scene, say you left something there and on return to the car, great that we could also leave the tip now.

Rightiothen13 · 10/06/2023 11:34

Eddielizzard · 10/06/2023 11:28

To my shame, oaleaffy, I didn't. I was so shocked I couldn't believe what I'd seen. I'm aware now though, and head that sort of thing off in advance. I won't let her get away with that again

Show quote history

You remain friends with her? This is totally baffling

Rightiothen13 · 10/06/2023 11:35

Wrong, our marriage is good

bloomin heck op you have low standards.

he was dismissive, rude, made out you were lazy, didn’t care about your mother.

He sounds like a catch 🤔

oakleaffy · 10/06/2023 11:38

Eddielizzard · 10/06/2023 11:28

To my shame, oaleaffy, I didn't. I was so shocked I couldn't believe what I'd seen. I'm aware now though, and head that sort of thing off in advance. I won't let her get away with that again

Show quote history

@Eddielizzard I can understand you being struck dumb by the bare faced cheek of that woman- Sometimes we think “ What did I just see?”

I was on the Tube and saw a man in his thirties leaning heavily into a woman as the train rocked about.
I was looking at him as if to say “ Are you a pervert?” But he was big and strong- and stared right back in a threatening way.

Sadly when he’d got off the woman he was leaning into said she’d been robbed .

The Scrote had his hand in her bag. Her plane tickets, money had gone.

That was 20 yrs ago, and I still wish I’d said something.

TheHandbag · 10/06/2023 11:40

This is what I would have done:

  • Asked dh to drop me & dm at cafe
  • Drop dmil at car park 1 km away and make her walk to the village
  • Knowing her stinginess, I'd have called the waitress over, thanked her profusely & directly given her the tip
  • Watch mil's face twist, order another coffee & instruct dh & mil to collect me & dm from cafe
  • Enjoyed my coffee
TheHandbag · 10/06/2023 11:40

This is what I would have done:

  • Asked dh to drop me & dm at cafe
  • Drop dmil at car park 1 km away and make her walk to the village
  • Knowing her stinginess, I'd have called the waitress over, thanked her profusely & directly given her the tip
  • Watch mil's face twist, order another coffee & instruct dh & mil to collect me & dm from cafe
  • Enjoyed my coffee
RudsyFarmer · 10/06/2023 11:41

So she stole money? That’s completely out of order and would be enough for me to start a blazing row that would probably cause a decade of resentment.

CoffeeCantata · 10/06/2023 11:42

Oh dear, OP - she sounds horrible. I agree that the only course of action is to avoid going anywhere with her in future.

For a start - there's no such thing as 'free parking'. Someone, somewhere will be paying - whether it's local residents in their council tax or someone else for road maintenance. Free parking is an illusion!

The behaviour over the tip was disgraceful. I wonder if she felt really good about depriving a hard-working young person of a small sum given in appreciation? I just can't get my head around how some people sleep at night.

I would refuse to accompany her anywhere for a very long time, and frankly (I don't usually seek confrontation, but...) I'd tell her that she embarrassed me and that her behaviour had made me ashamed.

PuppyMonkey · 10/06/2023 11:45

MIL sounds like a twat. You sound a bit odd feeling like you can’t speak up in front of your close family and being embarrassed rather than just plain annoyed at your MIL being a twat.

rainbowstardrops · 10/06/2023 11:45

Your poor mum! I wouldn't be taking MIL anywhere any time soon and definitely not at the same time as your mum!
Incredibly rude behaviour but your DH should have stood up to her. Awful.

fireflyloo · 10/06/2023 11:46

She sounds horrible and your husband is facilitating it. You need to be more assertive did yourself and your dm. No way would I also someone to bully me about parking especially when my dm has mobility issues. I'd have told dh to drop us in the village and they can park and walk if that's their preference. The £4 tip was pretty poor anyway for good service. Our mil was horrible to take it. I'd have gone back and gave it to the server.

Eddielizzard · 10/06/2023 11:51

Rightiothen13 · 10/06/2023 11:34

You remain friends with her? This is totally baffling

Show quote history

'Friends' is a loose term, Rightiothen13. I only see her a couple of times a year as part of a larger group. She was a closer friend until then!

tuvamoodyson · 10/06/2023 11:52

No need for bickering! ‘Stop here and let mum and I out…thanks!’

BungleandGeorge · 10/06/2023 11:52

It must be quite a large village for parking to be 1km outside! Your dh could have dropped you and your mum off in the village. Some people are just more careful with money than others and often it is because they’ve been short of it. The out of order part is taking the tip. It wasn’t her money, not her decision and pretty rude. Does she see you as an irresponsible spender, spending her sons money?