To be embarrassed by MIL behaviour at cafe?

[Amethyst13]

My mum came up to visit from down South last weekend, and we don't often see her as she doesn't drive and we wanted to take her out for lunch on Saturday. We went to a pretty local village that my mum likes to visit with my DH and MIL. There is plenty of parking in the village for a couple of pounds for the day, but my MIL was huffing and puffing about how she hates to pay to park and insisted she knew a better spot where we could park for free. I found this very irritating but my DH listened to her (he was driving) and we ended up parking about a km outside the village and had to tramp across a field and down a country road to get there.

My mum is in her 70s and has some mobility issues due to arthritis so I knew this wasn't ideal for her, but she didn't want to make a fuss and just went along with it. I was very annoyed with DH and MIL at this point for making such a big deal over saving two quid but my objections were brushed off.

After wandering the shops and galleries for a bit we stopped at a nice cafe for an afternoon tea and had very attentive table service from a lovely young lady.

My DH paid for the meal and when we were preparing to leave we left a few pounds on the table as a tip. My MIL was aghast at this and started flapping loudly about how she never tips at a cafe and that we were tipping too much, carrying on about it. I'm sure the server and other diners heard her. My mum was clearly very embarrassed by all this. DH is used to this tight behaviour from his mum so he just ignored her, but I shut it down and explained we had good service and I wanted to leave a tip.

We began our trudge back to the car and as we reached the car my MIL sidled up to my DH and proudly handed him back the £4 tip that she had actually swiped off the table! I couldn't bloody believe it. My mum was mortified, DH annoyed and I was seething. I'm still absolutely furious. Her stinginess is so annoying, it's like her main personality trait. She's proud of it and never misses an opportunity to moan about the price of something.

AIBU to absolutely refuse to go out to eat with MIL ever again?

But surely it became clear when DH actually parked? At that point just say no, we get back in car and go to original car park.

Obviously there was a simple drop off/pick up solution to the parking issue but why is your Mum embarrassed by the behaviour of another adult?

Shes not responsible for the MILs behaviour, why would that affect her, tbh she sounds a little like a wimp

Thats a separate issue to the MIL who clearly isn't a very nice person, why does your husband go along with it?

No one is coming out of this particularly well imo

Just avoid going out with her again if it bothers you so much. She isn't going to change. It was a bit unfair on your own Mum not to speak up and say the walk would be difficult for her.

Absolutely you should have got your DH to drop you and your mother off in the village and picked you up there afterwards. What were you thinking letting her walk all that way? Re the cafe, you or your DH should just have taken the tip back, and said sorry, he forgot to leave it. Your MIL is still your MIL, it's stupid to think you can refuse to go out with her without causing problems between you and your DH but you don't need to pander to her nonsense.

You need one conversation with DH. Never again or you will simply stop entertaining his mother at any time.

Next time he does want you want, tells his mother no, and dismisses any further discussion.

If he doesn't back you up you will just withdraw from days out with him and his mother. You and your mum can have lovely days out without them!

No, it wasn't clear. We hadn't reached the village yet before she insisted we pull off and park down a lane. We were told it was just a "short walk over that way" which turned out not to be the case.

YANBU - I would never eat out with someone who behaved like this. Horrifically rude and mean. And the parking thing is supremely selfish. Your poor mum.

1st mistake - only the driver decides where to park. If that involves paying, so be it.

2nd mistake - bringing your opinionated MiL along!

That is how I see it.

If you have plans to eat in the cafe again, you could always pop in when the girl that served you is working and say that you're aware that no tip was left but you did value her services so you want to give her £5 or whatever.

Definitely don't mix in-law socialising.

You and your husband need to grow a backbone, your poor mum. You could have said yes park where you want but drop us in the village first as mum can’t walk that far. Your husband should then have gone back for the car and picked your mum up.

The tip is mean and stingy and I would have made a point of going back and leaving it. If MIL can’t behave stop going places with her especially when your mum visits.

I would have taken the £4 and walked back to the cafe to give them the tip. But honestly stanf up to your MIL more, and your husband crikey 🤦🏼‍♀️

It never ceases to amaze me how people can get to that age (and I'm old!) without learning how - and how not - to behave. I have a friend who is similarly totally unaware of what is and isn't OK. Your MIL - even if SHE didn't mind walking/didn't want to tip - should have the awareness that other adults might feel differently. I don't feel it's my duty to train my friend who is BU. But she and your MIL should've learnt by now. What's the answer? Sounds as if your DH is used to it. Maybe he should try to explain? She sounds awful though and maybe it's too late to make her listen, but worth a try?

Next time you all go out to a cafe, you, your DH and your DM eat in the cafe and send MIL out the back to eat out of the bins. Then smile, clap your hands in excitement and tell MIL you’ve saved £12.

Yes, I’m joking, of course, but your MIL is ridiculous and taking saving money to the extreme. Your DH is at fault for not considering your mum and parking by the cafe. You should also have driven back via the cafe to return the tip. In fact, I’d have doubled the tip and shown MIL I was doing so. There’s a difference between being careful with money and being stingy and mean. Your MIL sounds like she’s the latter.

You need to stand up to this selfish bitch now or you are going to be absolutely trampled by her if/when you have a baby.

I would have said in the car: I’ll have to insist on using the car park due to mum’s mobility.

don’t let her keep doing this.

when she presented the tip, I’d have said: (with these words): what the fuck - I was giving that to the server for great service and I’ll be taking it back to her now.

If you dh is too lily livered to do this, tell him you’ll be driving. He seems to take his mum’s orders - so don’t let him drive. Then he can’t.

I told my husband on our first date that he should know I have no issues about ‘making a scene’ if I feel like someone is behaving like an arsehole.

If more people put themselves and loved ones above idiotic behaviour and being scared of being embarrassed things would be far better.

There is a degree of you enabling this sort of thing OP and to your DMum's detriment.

You need to find your voice. Just shutting up with the excuse that you didn't want further upset is what people like this rely on day to day.

When MIL got home and went over the events of the day in her head, she was validated at every point by you and your DH so as far as she is concerned, she was right in everything that went on. This is how these awful personalities survive and thrive and their egos get inflated bit by bit over the years.

I know it's tiresome as hell but each tiny bit needs calling out and not agreed to. No-one wants to be the asshole whisperer but with a family member like this, you have no option.

I have gone NC with my sister as I could not be bothered to keep trying to get her to see her perverse attitude to life was wrong. I found it easier to cut her out. I'm not suggesting you do this but you do, at least, need to protect your Mum from her horrible ways.

Whatever you think about this scenario your mother should never be put in this position again with regards to forcing her to do something painful and difficult for her.

I agree with this and your mum sounds too nice to stand up for what she needs. You also sound nice, but you’re going to need a hard edge to deal with your bitchy mil.

Well you and your husband are both a little to blame here. You for allowing your mother to struggle 1km and your husband for not telling his mother that he's driving/paying and that this is what is happening today.

I think the tipping culture in the UK is excruciating; minimum wagers expected to tip waiting staff? The sooner it falls away the better but that said, your mother in law's behaviour about the money given for a tip wasn't hers and she should have been told, by her son to knock it off.

Sorry but that day out would have been better not to have happened - for everybody.

MIL isn’t someone I would ever want to go out with, because of her thoughtless, rude and downright nasty behaviour.

certainly don’t subject your poor mum to her again.

Fair enough you didn’t know in the beginning but on the way back he could have picked you up from the village. You & your mum should have waited while DH & his trekked back to the car.

Well, I think there is no point blaming and getting angry over it all now. But there are definitely lessons to be learnt about how to approach day's out in future!

Your poor mum was made to walk back to the car?! Why the hell did you not ask your FH to come and pick you up from the village?
Simply, your mil acts like this because you all enable her. This is what happens when people are scared to 'cause a scene'. I would have put my mother's needs first and I wouldn't be afraid to stick up for her.

Tell her you are sending double the money back to the café by way of apology for her appalling behaviour.

I’m incensed by your MIL’s behaviour and I don’t even know her!

@Testina

I’d have gone back to the café with the tip to make a point

I would definitely have done that, and spoken sternly to MIL in front of everybody, and if she turned on the waterworks, just rolled my eyes. I have form for speaking up like that. Life's too short.