To be embarrassed by MIL behaviour at cafe?

[Amethyst13]

My mum came up to visit from down South last weekend, and we don't often see her as she doesn't drive and we wanted to take her out for lunch on Saturday. We went to a pretty local village that my mum likes to visit with my DH and MIL. There is plenty of parking in the village for a couple of pounds for the day, but my MIL was huffing and puffing about how she hates to pay to park and insisted she knew a better spot where we could park for free. I found this very irritating but my DH listened to her (he was driving) and we ended up parking about a km outside the village and had to tramp across a field and down a country road to get there.

My mum is in her 70s and has some mobility issues due to arthritis so I knew this wasn't ideal for her, but she didn't want to make a fuss and just went along with it. I was very annoyed with DH and MIL at this point for making such a big deal over saving two quid but my objections were brushed off.

After wandering the shops and galleries for a bit we stopped at a nice cafe for an afternoon tea and had very attentive table service from a lovely young lady.

My DH paid for the meal and when we were preparing to leave we left a few pounds on the table as a tip. My MIL was aghast at this and started flapping loudly about how she never tips at a cafe and that we were tipping too much, carrying on about it. I'm sure the server and other diners heard her. My mum was clearly very embarrassed by all this. DH is used to this tight behaviour from his mum so he just ignored her, but I shut it down and explained we had good service and I wanted to leave a tip.

We began our trudge back to the car and as we reached the car my MIL sidled up to my DH and proudly handed him back the £4 tip that she had actually swiped off the table! I couldn't bloody believe it. My mum was mortified, DH annoyed and I was seething. I'm still absolutely furious. Her stinginess is so annoying, it's like her main personality trait. She's proud of it and never misses an opportunity to moan about the price of something.

AIBU to absolutely refuse to go out to eat with MIL ever again?

Probably wasn’t a side note to your mum OP. Especially if she was in pain.

Then she should have said so! She was asked and said she was fine.

So many posters here who get off on being goady and argumentative. Quite a sad little hobby.

No, I don’t want to be hostile OP. You were in a tricky situation. I just think in future you could perhaps prioritise your mum with regards to not being forced to walk long distances. Some people find it hard to ‘be the awkward one’ who says no.

Your Mil sounds like she likes value for money. There is nothing wrong with that. We have generally become too wasteful nowadays, so good decent people look out of place in comparison.

Being cheap doesn't equal value for money

Do good, decent people snatch tips away from waitstaff?

I wouldn’t even bother responding to
some of these idiots. There is nothing ‘good value’ about not leaving a tip, and just bloody rude to steal a tip left by someone else!
Presumably your MIL also knows your mother suffers with her hip etc, so her and your DH being so keen to walk to save £2 was thoughtless.
honestly k think people on here arguing with you are just bored and nasty. Best ignored.
mmaybe turn off commenting

I thought you liked her and generally got on well?

Their comes a point in life where by spending time with people who don’t bring you joy is just a pointless waste of time that you can’t get back…don’t go with her anymore!

Reads to me like OP is pissed at MIL, happy to be bold in here but wouldn’t stand up to MIL when it really mattered. Grow some ⚽️⚽️⚽️ maybe OP?

Isn't that the case for many threads on this site - to have a place to vent (and if youre lucky get no judgement!?).

I agree your MIL is an embarrassing tightwad. Reminds me a bit of my own MIL who didn't 'believe' in tipping and was generally rude to waitstaff. I hated going to cafes etc with her and just avoided it in the end.

I have arthritis, I am not "a cripple" nor am I eligible for a blue badge. I can walk on the flat but I would struggle in a field for any distance, especially if I was wearing nice shoes as we were going to a nice cafe. Maybe that's why I think making your mum walk back is the most important issue here.

@booomshackalack totally agree, it is a place to vent. But OP seems to be disagreeing with anyone that has a view even if it agrees with theirs. Seems only OP can be critical.

Sometimes our parents don’t like drawing attention to the fact they aren’t their youthful sprightly selves anymore, feel very sad to read that OP was happy to allow MIL to make mum walk that distance with arthritis. For some with even mild arthritis, walking over a flat surface can be painful. Not surprised OPs mum doesn’t want to visit often.

Hope you took the tip back, but I understand its awkward to make a fuss in the middle of it all.
But I'd definitely chat with DH before next time, if there is a next time, that your mums mobility comes first and tips are not for stealing

One of the more bizarre OPs I can recall in recent times.

All the follow up posts from the OP about how her mother “should have said something” if she didn’t want to walk. Added to which, who would want to speak up when you’re in a “very tense” car with people you rarely see.

the fact the op says she has a happy marriage and otherwise fine relationship with her MIL despite thinking her behaviour indicates she is neither a “good nor decent person” and the pair of them “brushed aside” the OP’s objections and made her feel lazy.

I could go on. But all very odd. And the OP seems generally a very pissed off person when remotely questioned. No wonder the atmosphere became “very tense”

Your poor DM, I'd have insisted on parking where it was easier for her.

"AIBU To be embarrassed by MIL behaviour at cafe?"
No, YANBU. I would be embarrassed by this level of stinginess too. I'm careful with money, I have to make every penny count. But this is on a whole other level. This is just being a miser.

To those giving the OP such a hard time - people can still like each other, have good relationships, but still find a single characteristic about those people annoying and embarrassing.

I have a relative I love. We get on well, have shared lots of happy times, lots of giggles as well as deep and meaningful conversations. She's important to me and I, on-the-whole, like and love her a great deal. But one of her characteristics I find insufferable and embarrassing is the way she treats waiting staff. She's not had a good visit to a restaurant unless she's given the waiting staff a hard time. We've stopped going out to eat with her now. It was causing issues if any of us dared to say how rude she was being, as she'd always find some reason to justify the diva-esque behaviour. She's an adult and makes her own decisions, and we can't force to be anything else. We now just choose not to put ourselves in the situations where she behaves in this way. But still, I love her and I won't be cutting her off for this character trait I don't personally like. She will remain in my life. She's not an inherently terrible person, she has a myriad of other good qualities and traits that outweigh this one unlikeable trait.

The OP, yet again on Mumsnet, is being unnecessarily ripped apart and blamed for someone else's poor behaviour.

Your husband sounds a right weak one putting up with this. Never again would I put up with this sort of behaviour. I would have a word with him and tel him she is not acceptable.

MIL is a cheapskate, and DH is a wimp for not standing up to her insistence that she saved him a pound or two by parking too far away from the cafe, AND for having the stones to STEAL the server's tip!!! She would NOT be invited to the next outing!!!