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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be embarrassed by MIL behaviour at cafe?

445 replies

Amethyst13 · 10/06/2023 09:27

My mum came up to visit from down South last weekend, and we don't often see her as she doesn't drive and we wanted to take her out for lunch on Saturday. We went to a pretty local village that my mum likes to visit with my DH and MIL. There is plenty of parking in the village for a couple of pounds for the day, but my MIL was huffing and puffing about how she hates to pay to park and insisted she knew a better spot where we could park for free. I found this very irritating but my DH listened to her (he was driving) and we ended up parking about a km outside the village and had to tramp across a field and down a country road to get there.

My mum is in her 70s and has some mobility issues due to arthritis so I knew this wasn't ideal for her, but she didn't want to make a fuss and just went along with it. I was very annoyed with DH and MIL at this point for making such a big deal over saving two quid but my objections were brushed off.

After wandering the shops and galleries for a bit we stopped at a nice cafe for an afternoon tea and had very attentive table service from a lovely young lady.

My DH paid for the meal and when we were preparing to leave we left a few pounds on the table as a tip. My MIL was aghast at this and started flapping loudly about how she never tips at a cafe and that we were tipping too much, carrying on about it. I'm sure the server and other diners heard her. My mum was clearly very embarrassed by all this. DH is used to this tight behaviour from his mum so he just ignored her, but I shut it down and explained we had good service and I wanted to leave a tip.

We began our trudge back to the car and as we reached the car my MIL sidled up to my DH and proudly handed him back the £4 tip that she had actually swiped off the table! I couldn't bloody believe it. My mum was mortified, DH annoyed and I was seething. I'm still absolutely furious. Her stinginess is so annoying, it's like her main personality trait. She's proud of it and never misses an opportunity to moan about the price of something.

AIBU to absolutely refuse to go out to eat with MIL ever again?

OP posts:
Rightiothen13 · 10/06/2023 09:44

and we don't often see her as she doesn't drive

you don’t visit her?

Original poster
Amethyst13 · 10/06/2023 09:44

I did say I wanted to park in the village and they dismissed me, insisting it wasn't that far and it was a nice walk etc. It got quite tense in the car bickering over it. My mum doesn't like to make a fuss and waved me away as well and insisted she would be fine, and I also think she's a bit embarrassed by not being able to walk far so she downplays it. I was made out to be unreasonable and lazy for not wanting to walk basically.

OP posts:
Rightiothen13 · 10/06/2023 09:45

tense bickering

**was made out to be unreasonable and lazy for not wanting to walk basically.
**

you all sound like a group of year 10 enemies. Your mother aside

Notimeforaname · 10/06/2023 09:45

My ex's mum did the same thing one day,took the tip!!!! She had paid for our meal, I put down the tip when she wasn't looking bit she saw it and proceeded to loudly tell me about the service change and how the tip wasn't necessary and took it back.

She'll never change, avoid going anywhere with her OR you open you mouth every time.

If she and your husband want to park miles away you say "let us out here and you can drive around finding parking" you dont have to quietly go along with everything she says???

If are out for food tell her in no uncertain terms not to decide what you do with your money. Tell her she is controlling.

Groutyonehereagain · 10/06/2023 09:45

Oh goody, it’s another MIL one.

Shoxfordian · 10/06/2023 09:46

Your dh sounds thoughtless, surely he knows your mum has mobility issues so he could have dropped her (and you) off if needed. I wouldn’t go anywhere with that mil again either. I do feel vaguely sorry for your mum but she should speak up for herself as well

DeflatedAgain · 10/06/2023 09:46

She swiped £4 off the table?!

Omg, that is so embarrassing 🤣

Sparkletastic · 10/06/2023 09:46

No more outings with DH and MIL in that case. Just lovely relaxing mum and daughter outings.

JMSA · 10/06/2023 09:47

What a bloody awful woman. My mouth was agape when I read about the tip!

Rightiothen13 · 10/06/2023 09:47

I’m guessing you and are DH have a shit marriage generally?
I am guessing you generally don’t like your mil and vice versa
i am guessing your dh and your mother don’t like each other

shudder

IDontWantToBeAPie · 10/06/2023 09:47

'Oh dear well now I'll have to go back and give them £10 for the embarrassment' - said with a sad face.

Then go back and give them a fiver.

Notimeforaname · 10/06/2023 09:47

I did say I wanted to park in the village and they dismissed me, insisting it wasn't that far and it was a nice walk etc

Well you need to insist more that youll be doing what YOU want, just like they do what they want.

You need to be assertive here op. Stop going along with them.

sonjadog · 10/06/2023 09:47

Your DH sounds like a dick as well now. Presumably he knows about your Mum's health issues?

MsRosley · 10/06/2023 09:48

sonjadog · 10/06/2023 09:47

Your DH sounds like a dick as well now. Presumably he knows about your Mum's health issues?

Yeah, I've got to say my DH would get an absolute roasting about letting his mother behave like this. He wouldn't be doing it again.

Testina · 10/06/2023 09:48

So what did your husband actually say to his mother when the £4 came back his way?

Honestly, you and he are not coming off well here either.

FloofCloud · 10/06/2023 09:49

I'd also have got DH to drop me and my mum off and let him and his mum park, and same on return too!
I'd also have gone back to the cafe and given the £4 back.
I'd also never invite MIL out again! She's horrible!

CurlewKate · 10/06/2023 09:50

Yes-embarrassing. Why did your DH go along with your mother having to walk all that way? Why didn't you say "No, I don't fancy the walk-let's part in town" which wouldn't have been your mum making a fuss. And if she did walk one way, why didn't your DH say "You wait here-I'll just go and get the car" after lunch?

Setting · 10/06/2023 09:51

Is your DH always like this or just around his mother?
I wouldn’t want to go out with her again either. And all the suck it up she’s your MIL/oh a goady MIL thread posters can take her out.

Iwantmyoldnameback · 10/06/2023 09:52

I think your mum is much nicer than me I would have complained every step of that walk and refused to go back that way. Either Id have got picked up at the cafe or got a cab back to yours. I'm not a martyr and I don't get caught out twice.

CalistoNoSolo · 10/06/2023 09:52

Rightiothen13 · 10/06/2023 09:47

I’m guessing you and are DH have a shit marriage generally?
I am guessing you generally don’t like your mil and vice versa
i am guessing your dh and your mother don’t like each other

shudder

It sounds joyful all round. No wonder OP's mother doesn't visit very often.

2chocolateoranges · 10/06/2023 09:54

mortified!

that would be the last time she was invited anywhere.

I would also be more vocal with dh, yes we park in the centre because it makes walking easier for my mum and yes I’ll leave a tip if I want . I would have demanded he drove back to cafe to drop tip off.

SallyWD · 10/06/2023 09:54

I'd be furious too. How dare she?! It was your choice to leave a tip, your money!
Her poor behaviour is not your responsibility though so don't feel embarrassed. She only embarrassed herself not you. Next time (if there is next time) put a very generous tip directly in the waitresses/waiter's hand and thank them profusely. That will have her seething!

Lonelybutnotalone38 · 10/06/2023 09:55

Sounds like you all let MIL be the boss and she loves it!!

Leftbutcameback · 10/06/2023 09:56

What a horrible thing to do. The waitress had earned that tip with her good service and your MIL is a nasty person. I think I would be refusing to go anywhere with her again.

Original poster
Amethyst13 · 10/06/2023 09:56

Rightiothen13 · 10/06/2023 09:47

I’m guessing you and are DH have a shit marriage generally?
I am guessing you generally don’t like your mil and vice versa
i am guessing your dh and your mother don’t like each other

shudder

Wrong, our marriage is good and we all like each other well enough. MIL is fine as long as money isn't involved.

I didn't know how long the walk would really be until we were well on our way - MIL is not good at determining distances it turns out. DH and I are not as familiar with the village so didn't know exactly how long the walk was. DH was flabbergasted with her when she handed the money back but we didn't want to make any more of a scene in front of my mum. The atmosphere was already poor and we didn't want to spoil her visit even more.

She doesn't have much space for guests and is retired so usually visits us.

OP posts: