To be embarrassed by MIL behaviour at cafe?

[Amethyst13]

My mum came up to visit from down South last weekend, and we don't often see her as she doesn't drive and we wanted to take her out for lunch on Saturday. We went to a pretty local village that my mum likes to visit with my DH and MIL. There is plenty of parking in the village for a couple of pounds for the day, but my MIL was huffing and puffing about how she hates to pay to park and insisted she knew a better spot where we could park for free. I found this very irritating but my DH listened to her (he was driving) and we ended up parking about a km outside the village and had to tramp across a field and down a country road to get there.

My mum is in her 70s and has some mobility issues due to arthritis so I knew this wasn't ideal for her, but she didn't want to make a fuss and just went along with it. I was very annoyed with DH and MIL at this point for making such a big deal over saving two quid but my objections were brushed off.

After wandering the shops and galleries for a bit we stopped at a nice cafe for an afternoon tea and had very attentive table service from a lovely young lady.

My DH paid for the meal and when we were preparing to leave we left a few pounds on the table as a tip. My MIL was aghast at this and started flapping loudly about how she never tips at a cafe and that we were tipping too much, carrying on about it. I'm sure the server and other diners heard her. My mum was clearly very embarrassed by all this. DH is used to this tight behaviour from his mum so he just ignored her, but I shut it down and explained we had good service and I wanted to leave a tip.

We began our trudge back to the car and as we reached the car my MIL sidled up to my DH and proudly handed him back the £4 tip that she had actually swiped off the table! I couldn't bloody believe it. My mum was mortified, DH annoyed and I was seething. I'm still absolutely furious. Her stinginess is so annoying, it's like her main personality trait. She's proud of it and never misses an opportunity to moan about the price of something.

AIBU to absolutely refuse to go out to eat with MIL ever again?

Don’t want to be “that” poster, but my MIL got agitated about a tip we were leaving in a cafe shortly after being diagnosed with Alzheimer’s (we managed to distract her and leave the tip!)
Has your MIL always been this way?

Been there with relatives and friends and now make it very clear that they don't dictate and if they don't like it then tough! Too many instances of how being stingy sucks the joy from a moment and not something I am willing to put up with any longer.

I know some pretty tight people, but your MIL is next level. What would have happened if you’d put your foot down and said “drop DM and me off by the door, it’s too far for DM to walk with her dodgy knee/back/hip etc. We will get a drink and have a chat if you two want a walk.

What do you think DHs reaction would have been, if you’d said in private when you got home, “It’s fine if your DM doesn’t want to contribute to a tip”, but next time can you please tell her not to take the tip me and DM have left . It’s not for her to decide whether we want to tip or not.

You owe your mother an apology and a nice day out.

I like my MIL, who is kind and generous, but if I had yours I'd be tempted to stick to homemade cheese sandwiches and a cheap packet of crisps on a park bench from now on. Maybe even those crisps which are so cheap you have to pour the salt on yourself - can you still get those? "Oh we know you don't like eating out and this is much cheaper". And then I'd brag about the 20p packet of crisps.

You are not being unreasonable op. She sounds like a nightmare. I would have parked where I liked and if dh was driving and insisted on parking miles away I would have made him drop me and my 70 yo mother off. I would also have taken the tip back. I doubt anything you can say to your mil will change her but you can always refuse to follow her lead.

So after the long walk to the village no one thought to stay with your DM while DH and MIL walked back to the car and picked you up? My DH is always doing that for me and I'm 50 but have arthritis but can't imagine nearly as bad as your poor DM.

🤣 Excellent plan!

People, particularly women, often are embarrassed at having to reiterate their disability to fully grown, self centred adults who should be more considerate.

But you knew how far it was back to the car and still put your mum through that.
And you just meekly took you £4 back. Which as you’d left it for someone else was morally stolen.
No spine at all.
All this nonsense about not making a scene: be more MIL! She doesn’t care.

I've got arthritis and a km walk across a field and back (more painful when it's an uneven surface) would cause me a lot of pain and discomfort. I understand your DM's reluctance to make a fuss but surely at least for the return your DH could've gone and got the car to collect you and your mum.

oh god, take some agency next time this happens
So if MIL is telling your DH to park far away, tell him that he can drop you and your mum at the café and then he and MIL can park and hike. Reverse for the way home - that way your mum is not inconvienienced by batshit-MIL (your DH should have suggested this)
Swiping the tip? I would have turned round and given the waitress a fiver. and told DH to pick me up on his way home

And in future? when your mum comes MIL isn't invited since she is coming to visit you (and DH if he isn't going to be a twat about it)

Use your words and advocate for your mum.

That is super stingy of your MIL. People like that really annoy me and they are generally OK financially. I had a friend like that, she would regularly avoid her round of drinks and take money out the tip as her change. She is no longer a friend.
The parking, I would have insisted on the £2 parking if it was easier for your mum. I agree with posters who said you should have taken the tip back. It was your money.

I don't think you have to humiliate MIL. OP just has to be firm with her.

it would be lovely if OPs DH would engage brain too.

She probably thought that was very generous - my (not tight at all, but typical of her generation and social background) mother certainly would. She wouldn't dream the meal came to £200 either. I think you are being a bit mean to your DM here.

Tell me you're a MIL without telling me you're a MIL.

Er, isn't that the whole point of 'chatboards' as you call them?

So you had a poor reason for not insisting that you and DM be dropped in the village ie you didn't know how far away you were but there was absolutely NO reason afterwards to not say to your dh, you and mil get the car and we'll wait here. Why dh didn't offer to do that in the first place is beyond me. Your dm should be upset with all of you not just mil (who sounds crackers). And yes, dh should have driven via the cafe to take the tip back.

She's mortifying. Don't know why some people are so cheap. Take her nowhere, that'll save you money!

Yes, I insisted to FIL that they get in our car ( in the paid for car park) and drive to where he had parked for free as MIL was clearly struggling. Put your foot down - your DM would have felt awkward. You should have said no very clearly to your DH.

As for the tip she should have been told that you will pay it back next time you’re there. Again, FIL has tried to give me back some of a tip I’ve left on a table saying it’s too much and I’ve put it straight back down again in front of him and made sure I was last out of the restaurant . Stand your ground - firmly but politely.

Ugh, she’s vile. And I can’t believe your stupid husband pandered to her to the point of making your poor mum schlep across a damn field so the parking was free. 😳

I'm not. Tell me you're a bit of a non-thinker without having to say so?

I would have taken the money off her, driven the car back to the village, paid for the car park and taken the tip back to the cafe. How dare she decide on how your money is spent. I would have also parked I. The car park. I got sick of other people deciding where I could and couldn’t park years ago.

YANBU in that your MIL was completely unreasonable, though YABU because refusing to eat with her is an overreaction. You did right to say you think a tip was deserved and to shut down further discussion, but with someone whose behaviour is so extreme, you probably need to be blunt and just say that you're embarrassed by her stinginess. At least if a similar thing happens again you can refer back to this occasion: (loudly) "please do not steal the tip this time MIL - it's for the service, not for you."

Yawn