To be embarrassed by MIL behaviour at cafe?

[Amethyst13]

My mum came up to visit from down South last weekend, and we don't often see her as she doesn't drive and we wanted to take her out for lunch on Saturday. We went to a pretty local village that my mum likes to visit with my DH and MIL. There is plenty of parking in the village for a couple of pounds for the day, but my MIL was huffing and puffing about how she hates to pay to park and insisted she knew a better spot where we could park for free. I found this very irritating but my DH listened to her (he was driving) and we ended up parking about a km outside the village and had to tramp across a field and down a country road to get there.

My mum is in her 70s and has some mobility issues due to arthritis so I knew this wasn't ideal for her, but she didn't want to make a fuss and just went along with it. I was very annoyed with DH and MIL at this point for making such a big deal over saving two quid but my objections were brushed off.

After wandering the shops and galleries for a bit we stopped at a nice cafe for an afternoon tea and had very attentive table service from a lovely young lady.

My DH paid for the meal and when we were preparing to leave we left a few pounds on the table as a tip. My MIL was aghast at this and started flapping loudly about how she never tips at a cafe and that we were tipping too much, carrying on about it. I'm sure the server and other diners heard her. My mum was clearly very embarrassed by all this. DH is used to this tight behaviour from his mum so he just ignored her, but I shut it down and explained we had good service and I wanted to leave a tip.

We began our trudge back to the car and as we reached the car my MIL sidled up to my DH and proudly handed him back the £4 tip that she had actually swiped off the table! I couldn't bloody believe it. My mum was mortified, DH annoyed and I was seething. I'm still absolutely furious. Her stinginess is so annoying, it's like her main personality trait. She's proud of it and never misses an opportunity to moan about the price of something.

AIBU to absolutely refuse to go out to eat with MIL ever again?

I would ask if your MIL is from Yorkshire, but even my dad wouldn't remove a tip I'd left.

I know! The cheap MIL, the permanently embarrassed passive-aggressive DM, the judgmental OP, the DH like a deer in headlights. Hilarious!

Personally, I would have asked for you and your mum to be dropped off and picked up by the cafe and your charming MIL could walk 2km for the free parking.

I don't control or have authority over three other adults. My mum said "No, really, it's fine I'll walk" several times and would have been angry with me if I had insisted she wasn't capable. Same with walking back, she insisted she was fine. Who am I to decide for her? How would you like it if people treated you like you were feeble and unable to make your own decisions?

Stop pretending to know anything about me, my mum, my husband or that state of my marriage and get a collective grip.

I did speak up, so I don't know where that narrative has come from that I didn't say anything.

My mum is 71 and my MIL is 66, they aren't 90 year old fragile little old ladies. My mum enjoys my MIL's company and they get on well, which is another reason my mum didn't want to make a fuss. She sees MIL as a friend and would have been mortified and her day would have been ruined if I had kicked off and forced MIL to march back to the cafe or whatever it was I supposedly should have done.

Do you all rule your extended families with an iron fist? I doubt it.

So why mention it at length in your OP?

You mother seems totally cool with the walk

and you are totally cool with her being cool about it

so confused why you went in to such detail about it

I made a one line throwaway comment about my mum having arthritis. The main point I was making with the parking situation was about my MIL's cheapness, but you know that and just want to take a pop at me for whatever reason. Hope it gave you a little thrill.

Shame this thread has gone a bit weird with people going into detail of how far away the car park was etc. etc. The question was about MIL’s behaviour at the cafe. It was absolutely awful of her to steal a cafe worker’s tip off the table. I’d find it hard to spend time with someone who harps on about the cost of things on a day out like she does, and goes as far as to steal a few pounds from a low paid worker. I certainly wouldn’t want to go to a cafe or restaurant with her again.

Turns out her cheapness suited 3/4 of the group

How so?

MIL wanted to walk
Dh said he was fine to

DM said she was fine to walk

3/4 were ok with the stinginess re parking and the walk

Sounds like DM was just being polite.

And?

Once again, I mentioned it to provide more context about her stinginess. The question was never about walking to the cafe. You're being purposely obtuse.

You’re brave

This. I'd never have taken my mum out with my MIL

Out of interest, whose money actually was it that went onto the table? Whose pocket/wallet did it come out of?

DM’s.

Omg now totally unclear what the post is about as OP is now arguing that nothing is wrong. Don’t really understand the purpose of the post at all 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

No, that's not accurate. The post was always about A) MIL being annoying and getting us to park far away from the village to save £2 on parking and B) MIL stealing the tip that DH put on the table as we left the cafe and handing it back to him when we got to the car as she thought we shouldn't tip at a cafe.

It was never about my mum walking to the cafe and back. That was a sidenote.

Some of us understand what you're getting at @Amethyst13 . There's an awful lot of derailing threads recently and bunfights between people replying, and general goadyness and pretending not to understand the question. Seems to be getting worse.

OP just clarified it was her DH - which makes it look like the MiL, in her own head, was 'rescuing' her son's money back from OP and her DM and their spendthrift ways.

If that makes sense? Which is really not on, as she stole it from the table. But loads of posters have said that anyway.

Do you all rule your extended families with an iron fist? I doubt it.

Absolutely not, but I’d also not let them bully me into doing something I didn’t want to do, I’d also call them out on something I felt was inappropriate behaviour and I’d definitely say I’m driving and we are taking MY MUMS MONEY back to the cafe.

I don't drive, I did call her out and it wasn't my mum's money.

Irrelevant of who wanted to walk and who didn't, or might not of wanted to, or didn't care a jot if they walked or not, even if it's just 10 minute walk each way, to save £2 it puts a value on your time of less than £3 per hour.

My dad sounds exactly like your mil. Hes well off, spent his life preretirement on a far above average hourly rate, and now that he's retired will drive to a different grocery store that's an hour round trip away to save himself less than a fiver, and he says "I don't mind doing it"
Also he won't leave tips "this is great Britain" apparently means that he doesn't see the need.
If he ever removed my tip from the table, I would kick off massively about it.
Maybe it's a generational thing, or a too much time on their hands thing?

Even more so with people adding sh*t the OP didn’t say but was from other posters who couldn’t be bothered to read what OP has said. If you’re not going to be bothered to read past the first post, what’s the point of posting?

OP, I can understand where you’re coming from. Your mother didn’t want to make a fuss and you respected her choice even though you didn’t agree with it or your MIL’s behaviour. Your mother is also an adult and could have said something herself and chose not to and that isn’t on you whatsoever.

You know whether or not, you want to go through such an ordeal with MIL again and if you choose to, how to handle her next time.