To be embarrassed by MIL behaviour at cafe?

[Amethyst13]

My mum came up to visit from down South last weekend, and we don't often see her as she doesn't drive and we wanted to take her out for lunch on Saturday. We went to a pretty local village that my mum likes to visit with my DH and MIL. There is plenty of parking in the village for a couple of pounds for the day, but my MIL was huffing and puffing about how she hates to pay to park and insisted she knew a better spot where we could park for free. I found this very irritating but my DH listened to her (he was driving) and we ended up parking about a km outside the village and had to tramp across a field and down a country road to get there.

My mum is in her 70s and has some mobility issues due to arthritis so I knew this wasn't ideal for her, but she didn't want to make a fuss and just went along with it. I was very annoyed with DH and MIL at this point for making such a big deal over saving two quid but my objections were brushed off.

After wandering the shops and galleries for a bit we stopped at a nice cafe for an afternoon tea and had very attentive table service from a lovely young lady.

My DH paid for the meal and when we were preparing to leave we left a few pounds on the table as a tip. My MIL was aghast at this and started flapping loudly about how she never tips at a cafe and that we were tipping too much, carrying on about it. I'm sure the server and other diners heard her. My mum was clearly very embarrassed by all this. DH is used to this tight behaviour from his mum so he just ignored her, but I shut it down and explained we had good service and I wanted to leave a tip.

We began our trudge back to the car and as we reached the car my MIL sidled up to my DH and proudly handed him back the £4 tip that she had actually swiped off the table! I couldn't bloody believe it. My mum was mortified, DH annoyed and I was seething. I'm still absolutely furious. Her stinginess is so annoying, it's like her main personality trait. She's proud of it and never misses an opportunity to moan about the price of something.

AIBU to absolutely refuse to go out to eat with MIL ever again?

If MIL is in good health (of sound mind) and there are no concerns about this as a new behaviour, say, then what was stopping anyone from speaking to her about it and asking her to stop? This can also be done after the fact anytime you like.

Dh who was driving could easily have pointed out that the suggested parking wasn't what he imagined and wasn't suitable, and driven back. Any of you including your mum could easily have put a foot down or politely but firmly said "we are choosing to leave a tip, you do not have to contribute MIL and we would appreciate you not mention it again" etc.

Very anti-social behaviour by her yes but equally ridiculous to go along with it, especially when it means someone with a medical condition is having to walk unnecessarily as a result.

If the tip bothers you/your mum to the extent you say it does then presumably you've made attempts to forward it on to them since? Again, easily done.

It's one thing being tight with your own money (unappealing character trait, but their money, their choice) but this is being tight with other people's money. I would no way have allowed her to dictate that your elderly mum trudge across a field. Either make it clear you're paying the parking or ask to be dropped off.

I have arthritis and poor mobility and I totally empathise with your mother's embarrassment.
Part of it is the heartbreak of not being able to do things that were once so easy.

You need to find your inner daughter-bear and stick up for your mother. I looked after my mother for 20 years and no-one would have dared to behave like this around her. She was loved and cared for (though she also drove me crazy)
But she was MY mother and I stood my ground fir her with all the organisations and doctors etc.
I know my daughter always has my back too.

Why didn't you let them walk & then drive yourself & your mum & pay to park.

Your husband sounds as bad as MIL tbh.

Are you also as embarrassed of his behaviour?

I'd have given her the £4 and told her to use it to pay her bus fare home, tight fucker she is!

YABU just from the point that you did not have to accept this, does your DH always take what his DM says over you? Sounds like you have a mammys boy for a husband.

if things are so bad you that you can’t even have a say in where you park to assist you disabled Mum I would having a serious make or break conversation.

I'd just refuse to have your MIL in the house again. And I wouldn't be seen in public with her either. Imagine what the staff said about her when you left.

Taking the tip is absolutely outrageous. I would not make plans with your MIL in the future which involve spending money.

I went out with a group of friends, I left a tip on the table for the waitress as one friend insisted we split the bill but not include a tip. I saw her take the tip when she thought I wasn't looking. Will never forget it.

I haven't read all the replies, but all your posts OP.

Firstly, having a DD myself with a job in a restaurant, please go back with the tip. This is basically all they are earning. The daily rate is minimal. I makes it quite real just how difficult that job is for very little money once you have a child doing it.

Secondly, I think we could have the same mil. Luckily mine is an ex now though. I would not go out with her in the end as see point 1.

And then, there is just no way I would allowed my own mother to be treated like this. You and she could have been dropped off closer (and collected) and they go park and walk.

I do think your dh could have stepped in here and confronted his mother.

Was MIL invited because you all usually get on/have a nice time?

Didn't you want to have a day out with just your mum?

Bloody hell, I'd have been disgusted by all of her behaviour but you're entitling this by not speaking up.

My cousin (tightfisted cow and very well off) once proudly boasted about how she stole a tip off someone else's table in a restaurant. Typical of her behaviour really

YANBU and in future just don’t take her when you are going out with your mum and let your husband take her out on his own in future .

DH and I learned early on to see our respective parents seperately. They each have their own quirky behaviours and it's just much easier that way!

This gave me cringe flashbacks to an incident concerning my tightfisted, henpecked relative and his loudmouthed, opinionated and extremely arrogant partner. 16 months on...I'm still mortified, and haven't bothered to catch up with them since. Plus side is it has been added to the family folklore collection 😎

Why on earth did you let your mum walk back to the car? I'd have insisted in staying in the cafe and getting picked up. You didn't stand up fir ger at all.

Don't go out with her again..tell dh he can take her out but you and your mother won't be there. My mil is very embarrassing when we take her anywhere, she doesn't know how to behave properly in public, its very strange. So I avoid the situation where possible.

Not much you can do about the tip, but you can be clear about parking next time - get dropped off outside the venue if you are with your mum.

Also you or your husband should have spoken up and said due to your mother's mobility we need to park close.

I'm surprised at this, too. It would have been the kind thing to do.

As someone else said, MIL will come away from the day feeling validated as no one pointed anything out to her. Speak up for your mother next time, OP.

Firstly, if I knew she was tight-fisted and she had referred to the tip I wouldn’t have given them the opportunity to take the tip from the table. I’d have left behind her or handed it to the server.
Secondly, how long have you been married? Unless you hardly know the woman which I presume is not the case, what did you say to her and your DH? There’s no way that I would not have challenged her when I saw her handing the £4 to my DH?
Finally, I’d have got the £4 and visited the cafe again with MIL, when they brought the bill I would give a huge tip just to piss her off.

I woud have driven back and dropped the tip in and said that MIL picked it up without realising it was a tip. You and DH need to make the point to her that she can do what she wants, but she is not to interfere with your choices or steal money from waiting staff.

Next time, give the tip directly to a server/the till.

Next time, get DH to drop you and your mum off in the village before parking and also pick you up again after they have walked back to the car.

Point out that it is your mum's mobility issues not laziness. Stand firm and stand up for her.

Jesus, that's awful. But you can't let her railroad like that again. Your poor mother trudging over that field - fuck - you need to be more robust and stand up to that shit.

If your mum is having issues with mobility, try applying for a blue badge from the local authority. If she’s not in receipt of any mobility component of DLA or PIP, she’ll probably have to pass the LA’s own assessment, but it sounds as though she’s in need of some concession. If she’s successful, the badge can be used for her convenience. If not, next time point out to MIL that your mum’s mobility needs have to be accommodated and if that means paying to park then that’s what you do.

I don’t think you can never go out for a meal or similar with MIL but I think your DH needs to call her out if it happens again. I’m all for being careful with money but her behaviour is just plain mean.

I know someone like this. I think it's actually a mental health issue from growing up in poverty. Despite being significantly more than comfortable it's an obsession.

You're not going to change her so you have to manage her.

If you did the same trip again for example, drive y your mum to the destination and get out with her and leave dh and mil to park and tramp about to their content.

Either tip by card or tip after she's left.

But yeah try and do cheap/ free things with her. If you're going out for an ice time she'll probably have a better time. Unless she's one of those who enjoys a grumble best.

I sympathise. My MIL has tried similar strokes over the years. I now say what I think.

"that's mean"
"don't criticise others in a loud voice - has form for saying things like 'the fatties behind us'"
"Well I'm paying with my money, so I'll buy what I want"
"There's more than enough food to go round, so please stop counting it"
"When you've grandchildren called Whacko and Smacker (not their names but their names are dreadful), I wouldn’t criticise dn1 for calling his dd Arabella if I were you"

No, I don't like her very much. Mainly because she isn't very nice.