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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how to get over inheritance resentment?

286 replies

catslovelife · 10/06/2023 07:43

I know this is a very sticky subject on this board.

I really try and don't want to care, but all around me there are people who are inheriting large sums of money through inheritance, allowing them to live comfortably and do things that people who never inherit would never be able to do.

A lot of these people have inherited by default from aunts or uncles who don't have children, rather than through their parents. Sometimes from people they didn't even bother with when they were alive, so it seems crass they are profiting from their death.

I will likely never inherit a dime, and I have made my peace with that, it's only money at the end of the day and we can't take it with us. We will all end up in the morgue no matter how much is in our bank accounts. It is better to have your loved ones living than dead to give you an inheritance. But lots of my peers are relying on inheritance to fund their retirement / pay off their homes which puts a bit of panic in me as I will be funding this myself somehow. I sometimes think I would rather die before retirement as I don't think I'll be able to fund it.

I think inheritance creates a very unequal society as poor people will likely have nothing to leave, making the gap between rich and poor even wider.

OP posts:
BellaJuno · 10/06/2023 07:48

So if you got an inheritance, you’d refuse it or give it away so as not to be unfair to others who won’t get one?

Icanbringmyselfflowers · 10/06/2023 07:50

Goodness that’s very extreme and unusual, you’re surrounded by people inheriting large sums of money, enough to fund retirement, from aunts uncles and folks they hardly know. Wow.

FiveShelties · 10/06/2023 07:52

The ones who are looking forward to the inheritance to cover their own retirement may be shocked to learn how quickly it reduces when a relative is in a care/nursing home at a cost of GBP1,000 or more.

I have no children so it possible that nephews and nieces may benefit from my will - what would you suggest I do with my money when I die?

mrsblueskyeye · 10/06/2023 07:54

So everyone who owns their own house or has saved like mad all their lives does what? Just gives it all to charity? And so their family has to struggle because you will? If a family member died with no children they can decide who to give it to, including the local cats home. Life isn't fair, about time you realised that!!

katmarie · 10/06/2023 07:54

I'm not likely to inherit anything from my parents, they have nothing to leave. All my aunts and uncles have their own children. So I'm probably never going to receive any kind of substantial bequest. But I've known that all my life. So I started paying into a pension as soon as I started work at 18, and I've made all my financial decisions based on the knowledge that it's me paying for it. Not sure what else you can do really. Being resentful over something that absolutely isn't going to change seems like a waste of energy.

MinnieEgg · 10/06/2023 07:54

I think inheritance creates a very unequal society as poor people will likely have nothing to leave, making the gap between rich and poor even wider

Society has always had richer people and poorer people. I don't think I know anyone who had inherited money from a rich aunt or uncle they hardly know.

I don't see how society could function without people having the choice to leave their money to who they want to leave it to.

Original poster
catslovelife · 10/06/2023 07:55

FiveShelties · 10/06/2023 07:52

The ones who are looking forward to the inheritance to cover their own retirement may be shocked to learn how quickly it reduces when a relative is in a care/nursing home at a cost of GBP1,000 or more.

I have no children so it possible that nephews and nieces may benefit from my will - what would you suggest I do with my money when I die?

That's up to you but I know many people who are like vultures around wealthy childless aunts and uncles, yet don't bother with the penniless ones. If you get on with your nieces and nephews and are close then that's another story, but if I had money and my nieces and nephews were not close to me I would leave to charity personally.

OP posts:
saraclara · 10/06/2023 07:55

Icanbringmyselfflowers · 10/06/2023 07:50

Goodness that’s very extreme and unusual, you’re surrounded by people inheriting large sums of money, enough to fund retirement, from aunts uncles and folks they hardly know. Wow.

Sounds like you're troll hunting. But that can be very real. I also have friends who've inherited from random single aunts and uncles that they had little to do with. Bizarrely one of my friends has had TWO large inheritances this way. And I'll admit to having had twinges of envy.

KnitMePurlMe · 10/06/2023 07:58

You’re right - that’s why inheritance tax is so important to share the wealth. Inheritance in this generation will make society more and more unequal as so many people have made huge sums on property values and this will filter down creating a much wider inequality gap than ever before.

No answer to it but I get you.

FiveShelties · 10/06/2023 07:59

catslovelife · 10/06/2023 07:55

That's up to you but I know many people who are like vultures around wealthy childless aunts and uncles, yet don't bother with the penniless ones. If you get on with your nieces and nephews and are close then that's another story, but if I had money and my nieces and nephews were not close to me I would leave to charity personally.

Show quote history

You certainly know some really awful people.

Flatandhappy · 10/06/2023 07:59

We all have different circumstances, being resentful of others just makes yourself miserable in the long run. It does sound though like you have an underlying fear of ending up poor in your age which might be something you could face and try and plan for. A friend of mine was over generous all her life and often taken advantage of. She was confident that when her wealthy father died her subsequent inheritance would allow her a comfortable old age. For various reasons the money she ended up with was a fraction of what she thought she would get and at 60 her future now looks insecure and rather frightening tbh. There are no guarantees with inheritance.

Original poster
catslovelife · 10/06/2023 08:05

"You certainly know some really awful people."

Maybe but money brings out a really ugly side in a lot of people. I have even seen this with my own father and his elderly childless aunt. He has persuaded her to cut everyone else out of her Will bar him, because he has made himself invaluable to her. She knows he is after her money but she is so dependent on him now.

OP posts:
saraclara · 10/06/2023 08:07

But yes, inheritance feels like a lottery sometimes. Both my mum and my MIL had every penny of their savings and house values go straight to the cost of care. My mum's costs £6,000 a month. My MILs was about £4,500. So no inheritances here. My oldest friends have had two big inheritences, each of them being only children of parents who only needed a few weeks/months of care at the end of their lives.

You can do nothing but shrug, really. But it seems unfair when money is a worry. Those same friends were already independently much better off than me before those inheritances, so irrationally, it felt unfair that they each suddenly each had a several hundred thousand pounds drop into their laps (neither of them liked their parents much either! So it wasn't like grief factored in much)

Icanbringmyselfflowers · 10/06/2023 08:10

catslovelife · 10/06/2023 08:05

"You certainly know some really awful people."

Maybe but money brings out a really ugly side in a lot of people. I have even seen this with my own father and his elderly childless aunt. He has persuaded her to cut everyone else out of her Will bar him, because he has made himself invaluable to her. She knows he is after her money but she is so dependent on him now.

Do you not feel it’s bringing out an ugly side in you. The resentment and envy you feel?

Icanbringmyselfflowers · 10/06/2023 08:11

saraclara · 10/06/2023 07:55

Sounds like you're troll hunting. But that can be very real. I also have friends who've inherited from random single aunts and uncles that they had little to do with. Bizarrely one of my friends has had TWO large inheritances this way. And I'll admit to having had twinges of envy.

Show quote history

Odfod

KnitMePurlMe · 10/06/2023 08:13

@Icanbringmyselfflowers wow! Why the aggression?? Do you not believe people who say they know others who’ve had large inheritances? You sound very angry for first thing on a Saturday morning 😬.

Alexandra2001 · 10/06/2023 08:13

I inherited and it enabled me to retire just about, though i may have to get a pt job..... poor me.

Personally i think the inheritance tax rates should be far more graded, say starting at 5% for smaller ones and increasing every 50k or so, loop holes need to be closed for the very wealthy.

I didn't have to pay any tax (well under threshold) and it does seem a bit wrong & no i wont be making a voluntary payment!

However, looks like all IHT is going soon, regressive really.

Ylvamoon · 10/06/2023 08:15

Why don't you start searching for that rich aunt, uncle or other childless rich relatives in your family?
You can then plan for that all important inheritance...

Everydayimhuffling · 10/06/2023 08:15

It does breed inequality. I think inheritance tax should be much higher on large amounts for this reason.

It can be really hard to watch others get that "windfall", but try to focus on the things you are glad to have in your own life (I've had to do this recently too) and plan for the future.

Aslanplustwo · 10/06/2023 08:15

What the hell is wrong with everyone at the moment?? So many posts about non issues. Life isn't fair OP, maybe it's time you learned that and just got on with your own life instead of being jealous of others.

Original poster
catslovelife · 10/06/2023 08:17

I can only assume the people having a go are people who have benefitted from large sums of inheritance.

OP posts:
Almahart · 10/06/2023 08:18

I completely understand, it's human nature to feel that way. My next door neighbour is very wealthy now, he was an only child and had parents and an aunt with houses in London. Of course I would have liked to have inherited that amount of money, who wouldn't?

honeygirlz · 10/06/2023 08:18

You cope by detaching yourself from people who talk about their inheritances.

I and my other siblings won’t inherit anything because my one sibling has illegally put the family home in their name. It’s a London property and worth a good amount. I’m NC with the sibling.

My mum doesn’t want me to do anything. I’ve made my peace with it and just concentrate on building my own life.

MintJulia · 10/06/2023 08:18

Society is unequal in every way.

I'm one of six siblings and my df was on minimum wage. And was keen on beer and betting. The chance of me inheriting anything is nil. Just as I was a free school meals child, never went on a school trip, never had new clothes, never had a bike or a foreign holiday. I could go on.

I can either get all twisted and angry and let it spoil my life, or I can thank my lucky stars that I am healthy, solvent and in employment. That my ds is equally healthy. The sun is out, it's the weekend and I'm about to do parkrun because my pulled muscle has finally healed. 🙂

If you can't change something, you just have to move on. If not, the only person you are hurting is you.

KnitMePurlMe · 10/06/2023 08:19

@Alexandra2001 who has proposed abolishing IHT? That would be a sad backwards step.