To ask how to get over inheritance resentment?

[catslovelife]

I know this is a very sticky subject on this board.

I really try and don't want to care, but all around me there are people who are inheriting large sums of money through inheritance, allowing them to live comfortably and do things that people who never inherit would never be able to do.

A lot of these people have inherited by default from aunts or uncles who don't have children, rather than through their parents. Sometimes from people they didn't even bother with when they were alive, so it seems crass they are profiting from their death.

I will likely never inherit a dime, and I have made my peace with that, it's only money at the end of the day and we can't take it with us. We will all end up in the morgue no matter how much is in our bank accounts. It is better to have your loved ones living than dead to give you an inheritance. But lots of my peers are relying on inheritance to fund their retirement / pay off their homes which puts a bit of panic in me as I will be funding this myself somehow. I sometimes think I would rather die before retirement as I don't think I'll be able to fund it.

I think inheritance creates a very unequal society as poor people will likely have nothing to leave, making the gap between rich and poor even wider.

It sounds like you’ve had a rough time from your family OP, and it can be tough when you know people who are inheriting big chunks of cash and you aren’t… but getting bothered about it in this way is hurting only you.

Life is unfair - it’s a cliche but it’s true. I think this is something you are getting obsessed with because of other experiences you have had. Look up a low cost counselling service or if you can’t afford that get your GP to put you on the waiting list.

This is not to say that there aren’t inequalities in society that need to be addressed because there are.

I don’t want to inherit. I intend to fund my own retirement. I’ve told my mum she should spend all her money on making her last years as happy and comfortable as possible, because it’s her money not mine.

I would support IHT being much higher, to give a more level playing field rather than some people having huge advantages in life due to being fortunate enough to be in a wealthy family.

@Icanbringmyselfflowers please don’t tell @saraclara to fuck off. She’s one of the most caring, compassionate, sensible, intelligent people on Mumsnet and helped me greatly with a problem I had in the past (possibly under a different username).

@saraclara

You can do nothing but shrug, really. But it seems unfair when money is a worry. Those same friends were already independently much better off than me before those inheritances, so irrationally, it felt unfair that they each suddenly each had a several hundred thousand pounds drop into their laps (neither of them liked their parents much either! So it wasn't like grief factored in much)

There is usually a reason people 'don't like their parents'.

I'm likely to inherit something, I've already been helped a lot by my family financially. I'd rather have had better parents. There is a different sort of grief and sadness that comes from this.

@HerbsandSpices

That’s unfair to the PP, she wasn’t responding to someone who’d lost a child but who’d lost a parent - and while the latter is extremely sad, we all have to die sometime, so while she was rather sharp, she is correct in that it isn’t rational thing to say.

I’m extremely sorry you lost your son.

She didn’t really tell her to fuck off. The response was to thread policing by saraclara.

OP, it isn't fair. Life isn't unfair. Some people are born beautiful, and some ugly, some are rich, some are poor, some are super intelligent, many aren't. We all, in our own way, have to come to terms with what we have and what we don't, and realise that none of them have anything to do with being happy and leading a fulfilling life.

Thanks @continentallentil , appreciate the neutral response.

The entitlement to other people’s money never ceases to amaze me.

My parents own their own house and I suppose that one day I stand to inherit half of it should they die. It won’t be worth a fortune but none the less. But personally I hope they spend the money on things they want. I certainly don’t think that I’m owed an inheritance and all this resentment of what other people have is just crass.

Question is what are you doing to improve your financial status?

I will never be rich. I have a disability as well as a long term health condition. But you know what? My eXH earns a six figure salary, and having lived the comfortable life where we have money I’m not bothered about not having it. There are far more important things in life than money.

Thanks for this. To be fair, the inheritance from my son was enough to cover the cost of the funeral and a bit of therapy for the siblings. It was a relief to get something to cover the funeral costs, even though we'd pay it many times over to have our son with us. We just don't have that kind of money floating around and it meant we didn't have to deal with being in debt for it at an already difficult time.

My grandparents died in their 90s (three of them anyway). That's not tragic. It's the natural order of things. It can be sad to lose them but it's not tragic. If anything, it's a celebration that they got such a full life. One died in his 50s. I would say that is tragic and the kind of lifespan where a person can find inheriting a painful and regretful thing.

Most of us would rather have the person than the money. As a general concept, I do think inheritance enhances inequalities but there are many things I'd rather have in life than a bit inheritance. Good health, happy healthy children the most important among them.

This

Yep. Life is unfair in multiple ways. If you are going to focus on all the unfairness in life then it will make you bitter AF. I suggest you dont go down that road because dwelling on it is the fastest route to misery I know.

I completely agree OP. Its a hard pill to swallow when you realise that no matter how hard you work, however much you sacrifice, you will have never enjoy the benefits some others recieve, unearned and undeserved. However, unfortunately life does not deal us a fair hand in any aspect really, health, relationships, success, so all you can do is play your own cards the best you can. Don't compare your life with other people, only with distance travelled yourself. Happiness and satisfaction comes in many forms, hand outs being just one of them. Focus on the others, value the deeper satisfaction of everything you do achieve being the result of your own efforts, and be proud of that.

Uh?
So your dad is practically extorting money from his aunt, and then… what are you going to do if/when some of that residual wealth passes on to you?

That's life.

My mam worked really, really hard (career woman who sacrificed to fight her way up) and unfortunately died very young (before retirement age) and as such I got over 100k in her will from shares, pension, savings etc... (the physical estate house, furniture, car etc... went to her husband). My mam prioritized financial security and dedicated her life to securing it. I grew up just me and my mam with no family really and wished I had had a big family. I would honestly rather have my mam (my whole family) back than the money.

My friends mam was lovely too. She unfortunately died a few years ago too and my friend inherited nothing. Friends mam didn't prioritise money at all but prioritized 'community'. Her mam never 'officially worked' (although she took in and cared for dozens of kids the system gave up on with no financial help from the care system) and she lived in a council house so there was nothing to inherit. My friend now has a MASSIVE family (not all blood) who support each other through these years since the loss but no one received inheritance.

Good people don't always get 'rewarded' with money but thats not the people who dos fault. That doesn't mean they didn't get 'anything' though they likely do realise they inherited something other than finance from the loved ones lifestyle.

I don't know anyone who has ever inherited from aunts/uncles/grandparents in real life... that seems to just be a mythical forum thing.

@Testina it won't... I have replied upthread about where all my father's money goes.

Thing is, inheritance tax is usually only paid by the less/mid wealthy. Anyone with serious money to leave has usually been employing a specialist tax solicitor for years to make sure they/their heirs avoid paying. I have a good friend who makes a very very good living from this. That’s the rub, the super wealthy usually don’t pay! Eg, to protect farmers from losing their family farm you can pass agricultural land down with no tax - so they just buy enormous estates and hand these on….

One thing I'm against is elderly people with huge wealth not using that wealth to fund their care when they get older. Yes, maybe exclude the family home - with a limit. There is no need to be sitting in a huge expensive house while the state picks up the cost. Yes, they have worked hard for it (maybe) but having the means to fund your care should be one of the benefits of having worked hard and amassed wealth. If they have to sell the house to fund it, sell the house. Don't hold onto it just to leave an unearned inheritance to your children.

Inheritance is supporting a very unequal society and propping up house prices - it's how most ( that's not all ) people get on the housing ladder

I still think it's a opportunities to raise taxes , enable a more equal meritocracy, without directly harming the people who worked for their money

That said - what a small inheritance could do for me personally would be lovely

The way I see it is that there are worse inequalities in the world than me not inheriting and my friends inheriting. It’s just life. So I just think carefully about retirement and savings and have done since the day I started working.

I also know more than a couple of people who also inherited from childless great aunts and things so it’s not unheard of, to those doubting the OP. It was (middle class) friends at university. Large sums too in some cases - tens of thousands - which they could even access at that age and spent, in part, on things like travelling around the world. I would have loved to have gone to just one of the countries as a student/graduate.

Despite seeing this difference when still fairly young, I don’t think about inheritance (in the same way I’m not relying on state pension - God knows how old I’ll be when I get my pension and what it’ll be). Mainly because for me to inherit (if I even do - caring fees are high!), it’d mean life without my both parents which I don’t want to think about. I come from a WC/poor family so that’s the only way I’d possibly inherit. I know some people though who see inheritance as a justification for getting a bigger mortgage or not really worrying about savings. I could never take such a gamble personally.

This is all kinds of weird. My parents need financial support rather than the other way around. We won’t get a dime either. It is what it is.

I get what you're saying. I inherited from a parent. Not a massive amount in the grand scheme of things, but enough to hugely help towards a small house and leave me with an affordable mortgage. I will be forever grateful and cannot imagine the position I'd be in without it (divorced with young children when I bought). I look at today's mortgages and rents and I don't know how people manage. I know this doesn't help you, but I completely understand your frustration and resentment and know I would feel the same. We don't have lots left over for holidays/many material things these days and sometimes I get envious of people with huge wealth. Money can't buy happiness or health though, and in the end you have to take pleasure in things like the company of friends and family, walks in lovely places, growing plants etc!

I can reasonably guess that I'll be in receipt of at least three significant inheritances (not "retire now" money but "put myself in the position to retire at 55" money.

I have still acted as you have done - because that's what the people I will probably inherit from have done!

Most of the people I know with generational wealth are the same. They're not rich as croesus - they've just been cautious with assets.

People who don't get an inheritance have to deal with the loss of their parents too. Its not like grief is reserved for beneficiaries of wills. I'm sure there's many people who would forego inheritance to have their loved one, but that's not on the table. Its lose them with an inheritance or lose them without. And I can assure you that having the money not to worry about funeral costs or lost income for any caring you did, and having some peace of mind about your own financial future is a lot easier than not.

It's not a non-issue (like how many times you change sheets). As others have pointed out, it perpetuates economic inequality. And can be challenging emotionally if your on the wrong side of it. We all know life isn't fair...does that mean never discuss any aspects of unfairness? Daft comment.

Yes I think the main issue is housing. It is very hard to get on the housing ladder and gather a deposit unless you receive money from family in the form of a gift, or inheritance. If housing was affordable for people from earning a wage without having to receive help, things would be much more equal.