To ask how to get over inheritance resentment?

[catslovelife]

I know this is a very sticky subject on this board.

I really try and don't want to care, but all around me there are people who are inheriting large sums of money through inheritance, allowing them to live comfortably and do things that people who never inherit would never be able to do.

A lot of these people have inherited by default from aunts or uncles who don't have children, rather than through their parents. Sometimes from people they didn't even bother with when they were alive, so it seems crass they are profiting from their death.

I will likely never inherit a dime, and I have made my peace with that, it's only money at the end of the day and we can't take it with us. We will all end up in the morgue no matter how much is in our bank accounts. It is better to have your loved ones living than dead to give you an inheritance. But lots of my peers are relying on inheritance to fund their retirement / pay off their homes which puts a bit of panic in me as I will be funding this myself somehow. I sometimes think I would rather die before retirement as I don't think I'll be able to fund it.

I think inheritance creates a very unequal society as poor people will likely have nothing to leave, making the gap between rich and poor even wider.

My MIL has an obsession with "leaving my boys my house". As a result she refuses to sell it to fund proper care for herself. She has been lying in her bed 23 hours a day with carers and family visiting since the start of the pandemic as she had a bad fall and has never recovered.

People have begged her to move into a care home, have told her that they couldn't care less about any inheritance. She refuses to listen. It's a miserable life, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. All so her sons can get some money when she dies.

OP, you really aren't 'surrounded' by people in this situation. You are surrounded by people in exactly the same situation as you. You are just homing in on the ones who are lucky and focusing on them and (understandably) feeling jealous.

Can you reframe it and fee. immensely proud of what you have achieved - owning a home from your own hard work in the current housing situation is a huge sign of your success.

If there are things they can do which you'd like to do, narrow them down, focus on a couple of key ones, research the most budget way you can achieve them and then save for them.

I’m very sorry for your loss. My brother died in his 40s, and it broke my mum so I see how heartbreaking it is to lose a child.

I was referring people inheriting from elderly relatives. For many people, life does prepare us for losing our parents. I lost my dad but he was very sick and I could see it was a relief for him to go. The death of my mum’s son, my brother, was very different.

I am unlikely to inherit anything, but I want my children to inherit my money after I go....the way I see it is that I have already paid tax on this income, and inheritance tax is really just taxing that money again.

The only times I feel inheritance is very unfair is when children are denied their inheritance due to step parents leaving everything to their own biological children once their spouse has died and they have inherited their estate. I have seen this happen more than once amongst my friends and it causes great hurt.

You sound very bitter. Lots of things in life arent fair. You sound like a passenger in life. You say youd rather money go to charity...ok...so have you actually made a will and specified that? Because if not then anything you have (and I may he more than you think if you die young and an employer pays death on service) will be subject to probate and may very well go to the family you appear to resent so much.

Perhaps if your aunt were to bypass your dad and you were to inherit you would say no thanks, send it to charity. Yes?

People shouldn’t be relying on inheritance to fund their retirement, care homes may take all the money. We are likely to inherit a reasonable amount in the future, hopefully a long way off. But we aren’t relying on it, we pay into both our work pensions, are overpaying the mortgage to pay it off quicker and are building up savings and investments so that we will be able to be comfortable in retirement without an inheritance.

When I was a young child we were poor, due to DM’s divorce etc. A great uncle of hers who she was close to came to stay when we were DCs and saw first hand how we lived.

We had no idea but he left us the vast majority of his estate including 2 trust funds for me and DB.’

My DM wrote to him, visited and helped nurse him when he had cancer. Her much younger half sisters weren’t close to him. He was also a widow with no DC. His brother (my DM’s DF) expected to be treated very well ( he got a nice lump sun) in his will and also be left a pretty seaside cottage, this didn’t happen and cottage was sold and bought by close family friends of my great uncle.

This all caused resentment in the family as people felt my DM had influenced her uncle but not the case, they were just close, she saw him a lot and he actually considered adopting her abc sending her to private school as a child.

You sound very bitter and with a "if i can't have it, it's wrong!" attitude.

I'd rather have my parents back than any of the inheritance. No amount of money would make that loss better.

I agree with this completely.

OP- I'll give you a perspective from the other side. I lost my mum young. She never got to see me get married, meet my children and my dad passed away not long afterwards. I have no other family apart from my own kids. I cant tell you the amount of people who told me I was "lucky" to inherit in a jealous tone. Lucky? really? I'd give it all back in a heart beat to see my mum for just an afternoon again. I appreciate you say that these were from distant relatives but please be careful with how you word this to others if you do, because its extremely hurtful to be told you're lucky when you have lost someone you dearly loved.

I also find it hard to believe that you know SO many people who have inherited loads from people they dont care about. This smacks to me of confirmation bias where you are looking for things to confirm your jealousy. As a PP said, if you inherited would you give it to charity due to not wanting an unfair society to continue? Sorry but I dont believe you would.

My children are likely (care costs obviously could thwart this) from my parents (20% each) and brothers (50% each), unlikely to get anything from their dads side as everyone has children and housing is much cheaper so once shared 3 ways there's unlikely to money for the next generation. Is this fair on those who do not inherit? Well no but life isn't equal, my parents and brothers have worked very hard to have the equity in their homes and investments, and the fact neither of my brothers married or had children means that my children are set to be beneficiaries of 4 people plus us their parents (divorced). I'm sure my parents would have loved more grandkids! By the way my children are adults and one has saved the deposit for a house herself, by 23 by hard work

You never know. I know of a single man who died too young and left everything to his next door neighbour (including his house!). They were friendly but not best mates. Who knows what might happen in the future?

I’m surprised people are being so touchy about this! Obviously it’s a bit shit that some people have large sums of money handed to them without working for it, which makes their lives so much easier… I say this as someone who did inherit a significant amount from a random great aunt who I barely knew (died when I was 5).

In the eraly 90s I inherited a one-seventh share in an uncle's house, and made the great mistake of telling people about it. Only five grand, but, boy, all of a sudden everyone was my friend, and there was a strong implication that I was tight if I didn't treat folks, buy rounds, extend 'loans', etc. If I ever inherit a more substantial sum, I'll keep absolute schtum except for DH and kids, and they will be sternly advised to do likewise.

In my case DB and I expect to inherit from DM but slightly strange as stepdad owns house with DM. It’s expected to be sold when DM dies and money split three ways. I already have a house and DB and family have a flat but no house yet.

It is your own fault really, you should have made sure your parents siblings were child free by a bit of judicious cousincide.

A push off the top of a slide, rough horse play in the swimming pool, mushroom gathering in the forest, a game of chicken run across the motorway. How do you think the rest of us managed to get our inheritances? I have no truck with whiners who have lost opportunities by their own indecision and squeamishness.

Be careful what you wish for.

🤭

I had an inclusion session at college and the trainer made a point about people with privilege refusing to acknowledge how they have benefited from their privilege.

I think we are seeing some of that here. No one is saying the loss of an older relative isn’t painful. But it’s naive to not see that a sizeable inheritance makes loss easier in many respects. It allows you to grieve without worrying about the rent/mortgage/bills will be paid.

A lot of these people have inherited by default from aunts or uncles who don't have children, rather than through their parents. Sometimes from people they didn't even bother with when they were alive, so it seems crass they are profiting from their death.

DH and I (retired) have no children, so our wills are drawn up to divide our estates between our nieces and nephews on second death. What else are we supposed to do with it? None of them can have a lot to do with us because of geography, and inevitably some make more of an effort than others.

At the moment, it is divided equally - no distinction. I’m considering the possibility that the ones who take on power of attorney for us get a chunk first and then an equal share of the remainder - to reflect the commitment they’ve made to supporting us. Since that would be in the will, which is obviously made while we have capacity, they may get that chunk without ever having had to do any work. Or they may have spent 10 years managing our affairs while our estate dwindles - so in that scenario, they would have first bite at what remains. Seems reasonable to me. It’s also reasonable to assume they will be inheriting from their parents. Their situations - both the parents and the nieces and nephews - vary widely. Will our siblings make different provisions for their children, or treat them differently? That’s up to them.

At the end of the day, though - it’s our money, so our choice what we do with it. My father looked after 3 of his elderly aunts and his parents, and inherited from each of them. Good on him, I say. He managed to spend most of it, and since he’s died my mum has spent the rest. So it depends what happens to my mum - pops her clogs suddenly, there’s 1/4 of the value of a house coming my way. Long decline in care - there might be nothing.

It’s irrelevant, though - because I’ve made my way in life with no idea of what size of inheritance would be coming, or when it would come. Circumstances change. It’s not a good idea to plan your life on the basis of a future inheritance which may never come.

Don't blame you for feeling resentful I do too. Our only hope of owning a home would be from the inheritance of my mil but she is in care home costing thousands a week. She doesn't even want to be here it's bloody unfair.

My parents, born in the 30s, came from nothing. They met,fell in love worked hard and saved to scrape together the deposit for a house. Neither had good jobs so it was a hard slog.
Others of their peer group chose a different route. They had a great social life, holidays, a car etc. Lived in a council house ( not saying that is a bad thing).
My dad died in his 60s, mum died a couple of years ago after a short period in a care home. So the house was sold and myself and siblings inherited some money.
So what I am saying is, to all who think this is unfair, why should we whose parents worked hard to buy property, hand over inheritance money to those whose parents chose the other route?
Not a cat in hells chance !!!

Yes it can be unfair sometimes.

But my grandparents worked extremely hard (12 hour shifts/7 days a week) in a car factory & nan a dinner lady in order to pay off his mortgage and have security. I fully appreciate not everyone is in a position to achieve this for many reasons, but for those who do - it’s a sense of pride that they can leave something for their kids and generations ahead of them. They both came from very poor backgrounds so didn’t inherit anything themselves.

I very much feel that people should spend the money they have earned while they are alive and if there is any left over, then fine, people will inherit it. They certainly shouldn't be having miserable final years so that they can leave people their cash.

At the same time it's best not to raise their kids' expectations that they will leave them lots of cash – in case that doesn't happen. It's also much better to plan on not inheriting anything – then you can make plans regardless. I'd hate for my retirement plans to be reliant on other people dying or not going into a care home.

I don't know anyone who has inherited huge amounts from childless aunts and uncles. I'm sure that is unusual. I did have two rich uncles and it never occurred to me that they would leave me money when they died. Unless people are particularly close why would they? I'm sure people have friends or probably charities they would rather leave the money to.

I’m one of the ones who inherited early. My mum died just as I became an adult. By the time I was 33 I had no parents, grandparents, aunts or uncles. I miss them every day and my life seems to have a huge chunk missing that can’t be replaced.