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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think casual sex with men can be quite dangerous

325 replies

LadyH846 · 09/06/2023 12:51

I'm just making this post to vent. I'm a single woman who is nearing 40.

I've had a bit of casual sex with people in the past I met on dating apps and with friends/acquaintances. When I was in my 20s, no-one seemed to be into rough sex but I noticed when I was in my mid 30s, the men I met on dating apps were dominating me physically in a way that didn't feel good, e.g. grabbing me roughly by the neck during sex to the point where it felt a bit much, without us discussing beforehand if that was going to happen. I didn't like it and stopped them to explain this. No harm done, apart from how fricking weird it was to have my neck grabbed during sex.

I didn't have casual sex for a few years. Had sex with a friend of mine and thought maybe it would become a friends with benefits thing. Turns out he was into rough sex and didn't tell me. During the first encounter with no warning, he pushed me face down on the bed, really hard. It hurt. I remember I could hardly breathe and felt like I was being smothered. I asked him to stop. I noticed afterwards I seemed to have pulled a muscle in the area of my ribs. Several days later I had to go to A&E because the pain was so bad and I couldn't breathe very well.

Turns out I've got a badly bruised rib, which the doctor said only happens through trauma or an accident. Obviously it happened that night because nothing else has happened to me that could have caused it. This guy was over 6ft and a big, strong guy. I am only 5ft and very slight. I don't think he tried to hurt me, but still.

The sex obviously won't be happening again. I feel like I've been assaulted.

I now feel stupid for not discussing beforehand rough sex and what my limits are, given that I've been grabbed by the throat on numerous occasions in the past.

But why do I have to have this discussion? 20-25 years ago, no-one was doing this.

I don't know why I have encountered men being rough during sex over the last 5-10 years or so. Sex never used to be about this.

I feel like I'm done with casual sex.

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyH846 · 09/06/2023 12:52

Apparently the pain can take a few weeks to subside, and it's not a minor bruise I've got.

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 09/06/2023 12:54

I came here thinking you meant the amount of men who refuse to use condoms. You will get lots of people telling you it's to do with the internet and free porn and men being entitled. Hope you recover soon.

LouLou198 · 09/06/2023 12:55

Have you told him about the injury he has caused?
Sounds horrendous op.
I've been married for 20 years so can't really comment on the casual sex side
of things, but it seems very dangerous to me.

chilliplant634 · 09/06/2023 12:55

Sorry OP. That sounds terrible and I hope you recover soon. I would tell your "friend" about the injury he's given you and I wouldn't see him again.

I think casual sex with strangers has probably always been dangerous, but things are probably even worse now with the normalisation of violet porn. Keep yourself safe.

Original poster
LadyH846 · 09/06/2023 12:56

Bananalanacake · 09/06/2023 12:54

I came here thinking you meant the amount of men who refuse to use condoms. You will get lots of people telling you it's to do with the internet and free porn and men being entitled. Hope you recover soon.

Thank you.

That was the other thing. We didn't even have full sex because he refused to wear a condom.

To be honest, there wasn't a whole lot in it for me except a bruised rib!

OP posts:
gamerchick · 09/06/2023 12:56

He did assault you and you need to tell him he's injured you through his total disrespect for you.

Izzabird · 09/06/2023 12:56

It's a long time since I've been out there, but I imagine you're far from alone in experiencing this, alarmingly. How frightening and infuriating that choking and roughness have apparently shifted into the realm of 'vanilla'.

gamerchick · 09/06/2023 12:57

As an aside, a bean bag helps with bruised/broken ribs. It moulds into your body easily and give support.

MaxwellCat · 09/06/2023 12:58

yeah I agree and I’m sick of posts on here from people advising women to sleep with men on the first date, it’s constant on the relationships board. It’s actually really scary how many posters I see on here advising women to sleep with men on the first date, you are literally alone and naked with a stranger who could do anything to you since men can basically over power women.

HeckinBamboozled · 09/06/2023 12:58

Yes it can be unfortunately.

BUT if someone wants to have rough sex that needs to be negotiated. Rough sex with no discussion is assault - saying yes to sex is not saying yes to breath 'play' or being hit/grabbed/pushed. The world isn't their personal porn set. FFS.

These men are abusive assholes and you didn't deserve any of it

Original poster
LadyH846 · 09/06/2023 12:58

LouLou198 · 09/06/2023 12:55

Have you told him about the injury he has caused?
Sounds horrendous op.
I've been married for 20 years so can't really comment on the casual sex side
of things, but it seems very dangerous to me.

He knows it might have been him and is quite upset about the possibility. I didn't know for sure until the Dr told me this is only caused by physical trauma. I don't know what to say to him, but I definitely won't be seeing him again for sex.

OP posts:
Feduplandlord · 09/06/2023 12:58

Was assault by the sounds of it.

x2boys · 09/06/2023 12:59

gamerchick · 09/06/2023 12:56

He did assault you and you need to tell him he's injured you through his total disrespect for you.

Yep ,just because it happened during sex it doesn't mean he didn't assault you 😥

user1483387154 · 09/06/2023 13:00

this is not ok, sexual fantasies should be talked about before interocourse. Naturally when life moves on faster than this rule, you have to speak up , porn naturalises, many sexual festishes. Please if you feel he abused your boundaries, leave and never look back

Original poster
LadyH846 · 09/06/2023 13:00

Izzabird · 09/06/2023 12:56

It's a long time since I've been out there, but I imagine you're far from alone in experiencing this, alarmingly. How frightening and infuriating that choking and roughness have apparently shifted into the realm of 'vanilla'.

I find it infuriating, too.

I discussed this with a friend of mine and he said, how shit is the sex if people are grabbing each other by the throats and assaulting each other?

Personally, it's just so far from what I see good sex as being about.

OP posts:
Sapphire387 · 09/06/2023 13:02

I think I would genuinely report him to the police tbh.

Tooyoungtofeelthisold · 09/06/2023 13:03

Tbh, I do think that this is because point is so extreme now.
It's like, because it's quite prevalent on the Internet, that it's just expected. A bit like anal was about 12/13 years ago.

I'm sorry that this has been your experience.
I hope to god I never have to date again because its fucking dire.

Original poster
LadyH846 · 09/06/2023 13:03

The fact that I've never once had one of these men who grabbed me by the neck or assaulted me, discuss rough sex or their tastes beforehand shows how normalised it has become. It's not just a few people either that I'm talking about. I think some men must think this is what women want.

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyH846 · 09/06/2023 13:05

Sapphire387 · 09/06/2023 13:02

I think I would genuinely report him to the police tbh.

He probably deserves that because it was an assault, but realistically I'm not going to. I'm going to let him know it was definitely him who has hurt me and distance myself from him.

OP posts:
Followill · 09/06/2023 13:06

It's porn isn't it? Porn normalises this type of behaviour and of course lots of men learn how to have sex through porn, so they assume that it's normal.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/06/2023 13:09

I think some men must think this is what women want.

I don’t actually think it’s that - I think it’s more that they think women will accept it.
I don’t think they actually care if women want it or not.

Men that care if you want it or discuss it first, or at least ask “how rough do you like it?”. Those they go straight into it don’t care.

It’s far more prevalent now for men to assume roughness is ok amongst the casual sex hunters that attend swinging clubs (there is a difference between them and genuine male swingers) as well. It’s everywhere.

Grumpigal · 09/06/2023 13:11

Well this is because of the endless, unfiltered, instantly accessible hardcore porn which has been pumped into society for the past 15 years or so.

What would have been seen as fringe (BDSM etc) has been mainstreamed and men have been completely desensitised to violent sex. Young women also believe this to be the norm.

Same with threesomes, anal, filming / recording - used to be something more aligned to a kinky fantasy, now are almost expected!

Nothing wrong with any of these things if discussed and boundaries agreed mutually before the act.

Unfortunately that is just not what society is being told these days

CoreyTaylorsSoggyTshirt · 09/06/2023 13:11

Men who watch porn believe this is what women want, and they aren't emotionally mature enough to have the discussion beforehand.

In any other situation in life you wouldn't think it's OK to randomly grab someone by the throat so it's definitely not OK to do it while having sex, unless it has been discussed and agreed beforehand.

I noticed a massive shift in this kind of stuff after 50 shades was released and romanticised abuse during sex.

I'm sorry that happened to you op, it's 100% his fault. He will definitely make himself the victim in this though, they always do.

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 09/06/2023 13:13

Followill · 09/06/2023 13:06

It's porn isn't it? Porn normalises this type of behaviour and of course lots of men learn how to have sex through porn, so they assume that it's normal.

I’d say there ase so many misogynystic and abusive men put there, now jumping with glee that they can abuse women under ’being kinky’.
And sadly plenty of pick-me’s support this shit…

Rainbowqueeen · 09/06/2023 13:19

I don’t think men think women want that. I think men want that.

This guy is not a nice man. If a man refuses to wear a condom then that’s the cue to leave. The lack of interest in both your sexual health and unwillingness to protect you both against pregnancy would make me so uncomfortable that I wouldn’t be able to enjoy the sex.

I hope you recover quickly

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