To think casual sex with men can be quite dangerous

[LadyH846]

I'm just making this post to vent. I'm a single woman who is nearing 40.

I've had a bit of casual sex with people in the past I met on dating apps and with friends/acquaintances. When I was in my 20s, no-one seemed to be into rough sex but I noticed when I was in my mid 30s, the men I met on dating apps were dominating me physically in a way that didn't feel good, e.g. grabbing me roughly by the neck during sex to the point where it felt a bit much, without us discussing beforehand if that was going to happen. I didn't like it and stopped them to explain this. No harm done, apart from how fricking weird it was to have my neck grabbed during sex.

I didn't have casual sex for a few years. Had sex with a friend of mine and thought maybe it would become a friends with benefits thing. Turns out he was into rough sex and didn't tell me. During the first encounter with no warning, he pushed me face down on the bed, really hard. It hurt. I remember I could hardly breathe and felt like I was being smothered. I asked him to stop. I noticed afterwards I seemed to have pulled a muscle in the area of my ribs. Several days later I had to go to A&E because the pain was so bad and I couldn't breathe very well.

Turns out I've got a badly bruised rib, which the doctor said only happens through trauma or an accident. Obviously it happened that night because nothing else has happened to me that could have caused it. This guy was over 6ft and a big, strong guy. I am only 5ft and very slight. I don't think he tried to hurt me, but still.

The sex obviously won't be happening again. I feel like I've been assaulted.

I now feel stupid for not discussing beforehand rough sex and what my limits are, given that I've been grabbed by the throat on numerous occasions in the past.

But why do I have to have this discussion? 20-25 years ago, no-one was doing this.

I don't know why I have encountered men being rough during sex over the last 5-10 years or so. Sex never used to be about this.

I feel like I'm done with casual sex.

Do you understand that was rape?

Yes, of course it was rape.

it's not just men. Women are claiming to enjoy this, all over social media.

Yes, women are conditioned to be people pleasers and to just do whatever anyone else wants them to do.

One of my daughters is 19 and is at university. When she came home, she shared with me that she thinks she's asexual. But when I had more conversations with her about this, I think she's actually afraid of what men might do to her. And that's sad.

@LadyH846

I'm sorry this happened to you.

but do you know what worries me more? The fact that very young teenagers think this (& anal) IS 'normal' sex.

I'm in the unenviable situation of hearing teenagers discuss sex, amongst themselves. (They discuss it openly & loudly in a place where they have no expectation of privacy.) & it's all so casual.

I suppose it's always 'a bit more' generation to generation, but this is a giant fucking leap from what sex was for me at their age.

I'm 54. I'm currently in a FWB situation, he's just turned 59. Luckily he's as 🤨 about all the violent stuff as I am. I'll probably end up 'dating' again in the future, I'll certainly be checking they're in the same page as me before anything much happens. It shouldn't be necessary, but it appears it is. Mind you, previous FWB is a lot younger & it's not something he would do either, so there is hope!!

When I think back to my student days I do wonder what the hell I was playing at - meeting random men in bars and going back that night to their dodgy flat, without having told anyone and staying the night

But I actually think women are more in danger these days - there’s a lot more incel type men, a lot less Tonga around casual sex and kinks are now fairly mainstream. I wouldn’t dream of a ONS now, similar age to you OP.

*stigma not Tonga 🙄

My theory is that it's got something to do with the large amount of extreme/violent porn nowadays that's available with a few clicks nowadays.

Men think that the average woman enjoys what a porn star "enjoys"

Of course it's dangerous. Men are dangerous to women. Everyone knows that.

I dread my daughter getting older and having relationships. What a world!

This is fucking terrifying. Basic sex ought to be promoted to teens etc, not all this choking, anal etc. My teens have had school lessons about anal sex - how to make it hygienic. I mean wtf, they'd have been better off telling them, look, have sex when you have build up a relationship and trust and then just do a bit of foreplay and missionary!

If I had a daughter I would definitely be having a talk with her about the prevalence of men thinking that rough sex is normal and desirable. And that one needs to discuss this before sex, seeing as men are prone to doing it.

I will also be chatting with any future partner about this before having sex. I can see now that it is 100% necessary, unless a person wants to be randomly choked or assaulted.

What a world, indeed.

I'm 30, 31 this summer and have been out of the dating game for a very long time....but had casual sex encounters in my early 20's.

The guys were pretty focused on my pleasure which was a good thing, not violent or aggressive...

However one guy who was focused on my pleasure also hit me in the face....with his penis. 😕

I literally forgot about it until a few years ago...

I mean I take it that's assault? But I don't even think he meant it in that way....

Hi op, this is the very reason I don’t have casual fwb/ hookups or one night stands. The problem with skipping the dating phase is that the huge majority of men will respect you a lot less than if they had to date you and get to know you and actually make some effort to get you. Most men tend to see casual sex as a ‘meaningless’ act where they don’t feel the need to respect you which I find very cold in itself and will then use it to their advantage to act out their sordid fantasies which they probably wouldn’t dream of doing with a wife or girlfriend. Once they got what they wanted, they don’t really care and will happily move onto the next one without thinking much about it or even caring about how they treated you. They probably then go out to the pub on a Friday night and discuss all the gory details with their mates about what they did to a random they had sex with and how much of a ‘laugh’ it was!

I'm sorry that happened 💐 You definitely aren't alone. In fact they're getting a reputation in Europe and America. I know several sex workers who won't go near British men because their experiences with them have been so rough and unpleasant. One porn star I knew moved to America to avoid ever working with them again.

Im so sorry this happened to you OP.
I have a young daughter and her school contacted us about lessons surrounding personal boundaries. (Like sex education , but way milder and age appropriate). The amount of parents who were mortified by this was overwhelming.
I, for one encourage anything (age appropriate of course) that will teach our kids from an early age that our bodies,are just that-OURS. This goes for boys and girls , and hopefully will teach them to respect personal boundaries ,and the fact that its ok to say no.

Also to add to that, I remember a few years ago where i overheard a conversation whilst on the train between a group of young 20 something year old men about their night out they had and how one of them took a girl home and ‘banged her’ (his words) and went into detail about this explicit encounter he had with her and then thought it was hilarious that he woke her up at 3am and told her to get out of his house! I don’t think he even knew or cared how she got home! And this group of young men all thought it was hilarious!!

You said he is/was a friend. Have you shown him the bruising (photo not in person) he caused? Told him categorically that this is what he did to you, it is assault and that he REALLY needs to rethink his attitude to women?

You could still decide to talk to the police about this.

I can see why you want to discuss it here. It seems utterly ridiculous and yet here you are, bruised by a man who did nothing he thought unusual.

I am reconsidering ' get thee to a nunnery' should I become single again

Yeah, it's awfully sad how things have become nowadays. Kids aged 15 at our local private schools were having threesomes and filming it.

What on earth?!

Ah. I missed this. I'll backtrack a bit.

I can't see how you'd be able to treat him normally after that!

This guy wasn't British. And I've had the unwanted throat grabbing stuff from men of varying nationalities.

Hi op, this is the very reason I don’t have casual fwb/ hookups or one night stands. The problem with skipping the dating phase is that the huge majority of men will respect you a lot less than if they had to date you and get to know you and actually make some effort to get you. Most men tend to see casual sex as a ‘meaningless’ act where they don’t feel the need to respect you which I find very cold in itself and will then use it to their advantage to act out their sordid fantasies which they probably wouldn’t dream of doing with a wife or girlfriend. Once they got what they wanted, they don’t really care and will happily move onto the next one without thinking much about it or even caring about how they treated you. They probably then go out to the pub on a Friday night and discuss all the gory details with their mates about what they did to a random they had sex with and how much of a ‘laugh’ it was!

What you're describing here is a Madonna / Whore complex. Not new. And women should not be made to carry responsibility for this behaviour or told it was because they skipped the dating phase.

I agree with you. However, this guy was my friend. I thought mutual respect was established.

I've had the slap on the face with a penis as well. Men find it amusing. Again, it comes from porn.

There is no external bruising. The bruising and swelling is internal.

I don't know how I'm going to treat him normally after this, either.